With Arnold Furious still on G-1 25 duty, once again I get lumbered with the three-hour wooden spoon that is Raw. Three weeks on the bounce now, which is too much for any sane person to endure. Last week’s effort was a miserable affair up until the solid main event and the manly performance of John Cena, broken nose and all. The week before was pretty damn good. This week sees the return of Brock Lesnar, so I have higher hopes than usual going in.
We start with the all too familiar sight of the roster assembled on the stage to commemorate the passing of a fallen idol. This is in tribute to the late Roddy Piper, who died aged 61 on Friday. We have lost some real greats recently. It was only a few weeks ago that WWE did the same thing for Dusty Rhodes. Childhood heroes are passing with an upsetting frequency. WWE follow the customary ten bell salute and playing of Piper’s theme music with a moving tribute video, which must bring a tear to the eye of any fan who grew up with the WWF in the eighties and nineties. RIP Roddy, you were one of the best. Promo Time: Seth Rollins We start out with another regular sight: Seth Rollins coming out to run his mouth in the opening segment. The sound of the opening strains of his entrance music causes a mass of booing from a rowdy San Jose crowd. Let’s see how hot they are in three hours time, shall we? Seth decides he is his own worst enemy, claiming to be too sympathetic for his own good. He cites last week’s Cena nose break as an example of this, and cuts to multiple slow-motion replays. “Thank you Rollins,” chant the crowd. That’s a little harsh. I understand why people hate Cena, and I was one of them too once over, but he has won me over this year with a string of remarkable performances. “I felt his nose shatter,” says Seth, prompting more cheers. We get some more shots of Cena’s destroyed nose, leading to a collective “oooh” from the crowd. Seth complains that the match should have been stopped and he awarded the United States Championship, blaming his sympathy for Cena’s plight as the reason he ended up getting beaten. It’s an interesting spin on it. I wonder what they would have done if Cena hadn't broken his nose. Seth throws out a challenge to Cena for a title versus title match at SummerSlam and the crowd approve. As do I. Though, I am not crazy about the double title situation. It undoes all of the good work Cena has done with the US Title by making it a secondary strap. I guess the winner could defend both. Seth moves on to tonight, reminding everyone that he won the WWE Championship in this very city at WrestleMania, and that John Cena did his first US Title Open Challenge here too. That gives Seth an idea: a WWE Championship Open Challenge which starts right now! Good stuff. A strong promo from Seth for a change, and it’s about damn time. JoJo hits the ring and randomly asks Seth if the open challenge is legitimate, to which Seth responds in the affirmative... with two conditions. His opponent has to be under six-feet tall and under two-hundred pounds. “So, you’re talking about a match with El Torito?” JoJo is a sharp one. Seth says yes and calls out the little bull, as my hand reaches for the remote... Instead of El Torito we get Neville, who fits the requirements for the match. However, WWE booking him as such does rather send a message that he is one step away from a midget. I don't care for Neville being portrayed in such a manner, but at least the match should be good. WWE World Championship Seth Rollins (c) vs. Neville It’s nice to see Neville back doing something meaningful after having been treading water for weeks. They really need to do some tweaking to his character though, because some of the things he does at the moment are killing his reaction. The awful music needs to change for one. Another thing I could live without is the cape. While we are at it, Neville is the worst superhero name in the world, and seeing as WWE are pushing Neville as a comic book star, they should really come up with something better. Call him Gravity Man and have done with it. As you might expect the pace is quick from the off, with Neville flying around and Seth giving him plenty of offence. Neville gets all of his big flying spots in early, including an insane corkscrew plancha off the top to the outside. It’s all Neville as we go to commercial, but when we return it’s chinlock city. Neville fights back as Rollins continues to give him plenty of the match, and a reverse rana scores Neville a near fall. Neville continues to dominate, drilling Rollins with a series of dead lift German suplexes for more close calls. Seth desperately avoids the Red Arrow and hits a clothesline to buy himself some time, but Neville is able to counter the Pedigree into one of the closest near falls you will ever see. The crowd are furious and yell “three!” at the ref. Seth goes up top but takes too much time, and Neville catches him with a ridiculous top rope rana. He connects with the Red Arrow and the ref counts three, but notices at the last split second that Rollins’ foot is on the rope. The crowd bought it as the finish. Hell, so did I. It was a perfectly executed spot. San Jose chant “one more time”, and Neville obliges, but he crashes and burns then immediately falls victim to the Pedigree. Outstanding match, and a real strong showing from Neville. He won himself a lot of new fans here. Final Rating: **** The Lucha Dragons & Los Matadores vs. The Ascension & New Day The Prime Time Players join the commentary team, as they are feuding at a distance with all four of these duos, who all want to become tag champions. This match is very typical of WWE booking strategy, with everyone involved in a program just dumped into a match. The guest commentary spot was done to death last week too, and indeed over the past few months. WWE needs some fresh ideas to spark interest in its issues. Titus cracks me up again, mocking Byron Saxton for his inert presence. “You don't do nuthin!” That’s a fact. Titus was in the news this week because of a heart-warming tale where he took a bunch of homeless people out for lunch, with the announcers unable to resist making a big song and dance about it. It’s really not all that honourable to do charity work just for the adulation, which isn't what Titus was doing at all, but the way WWE go about championing it makes it seem like a publicity-seeking news story. Titus is dismissive about it, saying he was just doing his bit the make the world a better place. What a great guy. Attention turns back to Saxton, rather than the clusterfuck in the ring, when he tries to play hip cat by throwing out PTP catchphrases. “That was awful!”, is the PTP verdict. I have no idea what is going on in the ring because it has all been secondary to the commentary. It’s nothing to write home about anyway. New Day win it thanks to Kofi pinning Kalisto. A TV time-filler of a match if ever there was one. Final Rating: ¾* The Bellas vs. Charlotte & Becky Lynch Before things get going we are forced to endure an insert promo from the Bellas. In her irritating sing-song voice she declares the Divas revolution began when she first won the Divas Title, and I truly believe she thinks that too. Alicia and Brie are allocated two lines each. “Team Bella is the brand to be.” I hate that over-used word brand. I disagree with the notion that a person can be a “brand”. It’s such phony corporate speak, and it sounds even more ridiculous coming from those three half-wits. Paige, Charlotte and Becky Lynch get an insert promo too, which is also not good. They deem themselves the Submission Sorority, which is actually a pretty decent name. I still think the whole assigned teams thing is hot nonsense though. Once again all hopes of WWE “getting it” this week are out of the window due to the seemingly omnipotent Bellas’ presence in the match. They engulf this division, and it will never, ever prosper while they are around. And they will always be around, because of whom they are married to/doing. The talent of Charlotte and Becky makes this slightly better than most Bellas matches, but not much. Brie is absolutely dire, unable to comprehend the most basic of spots. Watching Lynch try and lead her into things is hard work. Sometimes, Brie seems like she has never seen a wrestling match before, and that it is her first day on the job. They do the most convoluted cue of all time to go to commercial, with Becky taken out on the outside and all three of the Team Bella bints standing over her and posing. After commercial... chinlock. My god. Becky takes a long and dull heat, with the Bellas clueless about what to do in a long match. And make no mistake, this has been a long match. Anything over three minutes for the Bellas is too much time for them. Charlotte gets the hot tag and goes to town, Becky hits a t-bone on Brie to take her out, and Charlotte counters a few times into the Figure Eight for the submission win over Nikki. Good, but like last week, does it mean anything? Credit to WWE because they keep putting the new girls over, but we all know when it comes down to it, they will lose in the title match with Nikki and that will be that. No one will care anymore. Final Rating: *1/2 Backstage, Naomi challenges Paige to a match tonight, then brings up Ronda Rousey. Naomi says he is not the baddest woman on the planet, Team B.A.D. are. Okay, love. They walk off, with Tamina giving JoJo a look like she just farted right there in front of her. Miz TV: Kevin Owens and Cesaro Before we get to the storyline, or rather what loosely passes for a storyline these days, Miz totally babyfaces himself after years of being an insufferable twat, putting over Piper’s Pit as the wrestling talk show originator and the inspiration for Miz TV and many others, then giving his own shout out to the late ‘Hot Rod’. I don't care if what he said is true, a heel shouldn't do that. It totally takes you out of the moment, especially when Miz then goes back to be a dick heel right away. Can you imagine if Christian Bale had taken a moment out during The Dark Knight to pay his respects to Heath Ledger, only to then immediately slip back into being Batman? No, because the premise is absurd. The more WWE do illusion-shattering things, the harder it is to take anything they do seriously. It’s like openly admitting that everything is in on the fix. Owens is far too amiable with Miz, a character that his no-bullshit persona should ordinarily despise. Cesaro cuts off the pleasant chat quite quickly, which irks Miz because he thinks he should announce him. Owens says Cesaro is jealous of him, because for all of his hard work and sacrifice he will never be as good as him. Cesaro thinks his theory is bullshit. He tells Owens he is ashamed of him because of his tendency to walk out on matches, which he finds disrespectful, and calls him an embarrassment. Owens stands up to retort, but in a case of unfortunate timing the chair he was sitting on gets caught in his shorts and comes for the ride. Cesaro cannot resist pointing it out, but Owens completely no sells it. “You know what I think is embarrassing? That I have accomplished more in three months than you have in three years.” Cesaro wants a fight, which gets Miz excited. They both tell him to shut up, scaring him out of his chair. “Why don't you let the two guys who can actually fight handle this, hey bud?” - Owens. Once again Owens goes to leave, but gets goaded back into the ring for a brief brawl. He shoves Miz into Cesaro and goes for the powerbomb, but Cesaro counters into a giant swing attempt. Owens skips out, and that’s the segment. This was fine. At least WWE are doing something to promote the match rather than having them wrestle each other every week to the point of exhaustion. They have a problem with each other and conflicting opinions as to who is right, and they want to fight about it. It’s not that hard is it? More of this. After commercial we go to a Ronda Rousey quote about Roddy Piper, and brief footage from her post-fight victory speech on Saturday where she paid tribute to the man who give her the nickname “Rowdy”. WWE using UFC footage - with credit - in 2015! I am shocked. Even more so given the idiotic comments made by Dana White prior to the show, where he dismissed wrestling as “fake shit”. He should realise by now, regardless of how much he likes to deny it in public, that half of his audience are wrestling fans. Rusev vs. Mark Henry Ah, a Vince McMahon fetish match: two behemoths rumbling. He is the only person in the world who enjoys bouts like this. The match sucks of course, but at least it is super-brief. Rusev wins with a superkick after around two minutes tops, then gives Henry another after the decision. Final Rating: SQUASH After some Network shills and the customary mocking of the PPV audience who pay $54.99 to watch, we go to a Wyatt Family promo. They hype the lazily booked six-man tag with Dean Ambrose, Roman Reigns and Randy Orton tonight, then Sheamus appears on camera. A stranger, from the outside, ooooh! Wyatt tells Sheamus that the enemy of his enemy is his friend, and that tonight he can consider them friends. This has novelty value seeing Sheamus in the Wyatt setting, but it was merely a hype vehicle for the main event. Not good, not bad. Just there. Zack Ryder vs. King Barrett This has “filler” written all over it. JBL comes over all excited at the prospect of Barrett, making intentionally wild claims that Barrett is the reason for England getting the rugby world cup. “Are you feeling alright, JBL?” - Saxton. Barrett does the kind thing and lets Ryder throw in a couple of moves, before finishing him with the Bullhammer. Another squash. Final Rating: SQUASH Promo Time: Paul Heyman Heyman reminds us that it was Undertaker not Brock Lesnar who rebooted the rivalry between them, citing his attack at Battleground. He cuts to footage from the show. We also get highlights from the epic brawl two weeks ago, then Heyman introduces Brock. The response he gets makes it clear that this is an all-babyface program. Lesnar takes his anger out on the ring steps, the top of which he hurls effortlessly into the ring. He can’t help himself can he? If he sees something loose, he just has to throw it. Lesnar uses the stairs as a pulpit, standing on them mid-ring while Heyman does the talking. It’s an odd visual. Heyman claims Undertaker begged Vince McMahon for a match with Lesnar at WrestleMania 31, which apparently he refused. Well, he should have entered and won the Royal Rumble shouldn't he? Heyman says Undertaker interjected himself into Lesnar’s business to force WWE’s hand, and now Brock is going to take him to Suplex City at SummerSlam. Heyman points out the numerous injuries Taker suffered when he last met Brock, showing more passion in selling the mach than anyone else in the company shows about anything. See, Miz, that is how you play a character. Another great promo from Heyman, but as usual the way WWE use Brock is questionable. Why was he even here? Heyman could have cut this promo without him standing there gurning. Lesnar is on a limited schedule, make his appearances mean something rather than wheel him out to stand around. They could have achieved the same thing with a cardboard cut-out. Paige vs. Naomi #DivaRevolution? More like #SameOldShit. It’s literally the exact same division, only with three NXT girls added to the main roster, and more time allocated to them on Raw. What is revolutionary about Paige vs. Naomi? Nothing. Which probably explains why the crowd is so silent for the match. It’s fairly useless viewing too, which is the other reason. As usual in Naomi matches, the most exciting thing about watching her is seeing what colour the lights in her boots go. These longer matches are a nice idea in theory, but the reality is most of the girls who were already on the roster struggle to fill three minutes with anything worthwhile. When they get more time, they go to rest holds and protracted heat sections. The announce team are on autopilot throughout, with Cole using the exact same comments to describe many of the moves as he does every week. “That looks familiar,” he notes in a bored tone when Paige hits a fallaway slam. He is referring to JBL, who used to use the move, but after over a year of Paige doing it I think we get the picture. Paige wins with the PTO, as the Divalution continues to flatter to deceive. Final Rating: *1/4 Backstage, Stardust does a promo with his wife Eden, who looks at him with a mixture of confusion and disgust. Stardust does his usual quirky promo on Neville, then sends another message to Stephen Amell of Arrow. It seems the actor has already made his decision and via Twitter says he will be at Raw next week. If Stardust (and Neville, as mentioned earlier) were properly portrayed as super heroes, they could have some fun with his appearance. Unfortunately, I am already resigned to it being a segment filled with lame attempts at humour and the celebrity giving the heel a kicking. Roman Reigns, Dean Ambrose & Randy Orton vs. Bray Wyatt, Luke Harper & Sheamus I really dislike main events like this, because they are so uninspired. It’s the usual WWE trick of throwing two feuds into one throwaway bout, a practice they have employed since Raw began. I find it to be lazy, the mark of a creative team lacking ideas about how to progress issues. Can you imagine if the WWF had done this in the nineties, and shoved H***n (sorry, I am following WWE’s lead) and Warrior in throwaway tag matches in the weeks before WrestleMania? It would have killed all interest in seeing them finally face off. WWE do that every week with every rivalry they have going. I realise I am like a broken record with this, but it must change if WWE ever wants to draw decent Monday night ratings again. This is every pointless WWE six-man tag you ever saw, with a boring heat in the middle where a boring heat doesn't need to be, and the now commonplace dead end of show crowd. Thankfully, both the action and the audience pick up a notch or two towards the end, once the finishers and counters start coming thick and fast. It’s a frenetic few minutes and leaves a more positive memory of the bout. Sheamus is the one sacrificed because he has the briefcase, which in WWE logic means he has to lose every week. Reigns pins him following the spear, and the babyface trio celebrate as if they have achieved something other than a routine win. See, this is what I dislike about booking these matches; they mean nothing. The result doesn't matter a jot, so you can’t get invested in who wins or loses, because who cares? Mundane bout, with a hot finish that carried it through. Final Rating: **1/2 THE RAW RECAP: Most Entertaining: Neville. He was the star of the show tonight. Least Entertaining: The Miz. He wasn't terrible in the Miz TV segment itself, but his kayfabe breach was ridiculous. Leave personal tributes to a non-kayfabed environment, don't undo all the work you have put into your character by dropping in and out of the role on Raw. Quote of the Night: “Byron is about as popular as a lion hunter in Zimbabwe” - JBL. A topical reference from JBL! Match of the Night: Seth Rollins vs. Neville. By a mile. Summary: This is the new WWE formula: put two great workers in there together and give them twenty minutes to do their thing, then fill the rest of the card with played out rivalries, half-assed booking and the new fad of two Divas matches. It has been the same for the past few weeks. I tune into Raw every week hoping they will finally recapture the formula that once made the show so vibrant, but each week I shut off the TV feeling exhausted. Even with the good shows. This was a so-so show, nothing bad, a few things worth seeing, but with far too much that was unimportant. Filler kills wrestling shows, and every edition of Raw at three hours is chock full of filler. The noticeable lack of The Authority, Kane and The Big Show was pleasing though. That, I do approve of. Verdict: 50
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Promo Time: The Authority
The theme for tonight’s show is “first time ever”, and boy are they going to ram that concept down our throats all evening. We start with a “major announcement”: SummerSlam will run for four goddamn hours! This promotion does not understand the concept of “less is more”. Triple H reminds us that this evening is arbitrarily a night of firsts, then announces a bunch of awful matches. The Big Show vs. Dean Ambrose! Kevin Owens vs. Randy Orton! All I can do is slap my head in frustration at the prospect of these two encounters. If that is WWE’s idea of “fresh” and “new”, then it speaks volumes about this company. Steph, the mother hen of the Diva’s division, announces two women’s matches, and guess what? One of them features Nikki Bella. Back I go to the head slapping. I guess WWE’s idea of a Divas revolution is booking an extra match each week. Seth gets a turn on the stick and rambles on with his usual snivelling promo, putting himself over while managing to say almost nothing of note. Thankfully, the arrival of John Cena (“one of the all time greats”- Mackle) prevents him from talking nonsense for too long. Cena is furious with Seth’s declaration that he is the greatest WWE Champion ever, believing it to be an insult to Hall of Famers everywhere. Yeah, guys like Randy Savage, Bret Hart, Ric Flair, some guy who wore yellow that we no longer talk about... “I think you’re a joke,” snaps Cena. I agree, Rollins is a terrible champion, though I’m not sure how wise it is for Cena to point that out. Cena wants a title match tonight, but Rollins won’t have it. He tries to explain himself, but the headmistress takes over the segment and throws it to the audience. The crowd want to see the match, which makes Stephanie so excited that she starts doing her Daniel Bryan impression while pulling her face into a contorted disaster. Fifteen years ago Stephanie was hot, these days here uneven face looks like a Picasso painting. She heels on the crowd -after two weeks of playing adulation-seeking babyface - saying the match won’t happen. She is so inexplicably giddy about her bitchiness that I am convinced she is high. Hunter decides to make the match, but for Cena’s belt rather than Seth’s. Oh yes, booking the SummerSlam title match on a free television show seems like a swell idea. That way, when the PPV comes, nobody will be bothered about seeing it anymore. You can’t fault WWE, they are on the ball... Dean Ambrose vs. The Big Show The announcers are over-hyping this as “the first time ever” that these two have wrestled. So fucking what!? How can anyone get excited about a Big Show match against anyone? Unless it was a double retirement match against The Miz, I suppose. Speaking of that trout-faced geek, he is donning the headset and providing his whimsical insight for this. The match sucks, then it gets ridiculous when Big Show uses the most pathetic excuse for an ankle lock you will ever see. Ambrose escapes by... untying his bootlace. Show shoves him off, then Ambrose sits quietly in the corner and waits while Show slowly reties it. What the hell are they doing? There isn't even a payoff, he just does it up and carries on! Ambrose goes to a sleeper, which is paint drying territory, and eventually hits a DDT. He unloads with kicks and chops, but Show prevents the Bossman clothesline with a chokeslam. That gets two, so Show hits a second and nearly wins on count out. “Superkick” from Show, which sends Ambrose back outside, followed by a spear, as Show makes an attempt to hit every finisher he can think of. Ambrose again breaks the count at the death, leaving the giant sweaty one looking cross. After making it heroically back to the ring, Ambrose comically tumbles back out again for no reason. Show throws him back in, as this becomes a bit of a joke. Ambrose suddenly rallies, completely no-selling everything that just happened. It is horrible psychology -something he is often guilty of - but gets caught with a knockout punch when he tries for a topé. Show quite happily takes the count out win from that, because he doesn't win matches on television via pinfall these days. Post match, Show decides to charge at Ambrose, who moves, sending Show crashing through the barricade like a big bumbling oaf. I have no idea what they were going for here, but it was hellishly boring. Final Rating: ½* Fandango vs. Neville “The Man That WWE Forgot: Neville” I knew it wouldn't take long for WWE to get bored of him. What a waste of a world class talent. Fandango does more than one move (two moves), causing Cole to have a little wrestlegasm about how impressive he is looking. It’s lies. Mind you, his tights tonight are impressive, and by that I mean nineties-tastic and garish. After nothing really happens for two minutes, Neville finishes with the Red Arrow. Final Rating: SQUASH Post match, kooky Cody Rhodes appears on the Titantron and talks nonsense. It’s an even more asinine promo than what Bray Wyatt usually delivers. Neville wears an expression like he wishes he was back in NXT. “The WWE Universe just loves the way the Divas division is going at the moment.” - Paige. Name me one person, Paige. Seriously, name me one. I know WWE scripted this line for her, which means they genuinely think they are doing a good job with their so-called revolution. They don't get it, they really don't. “Don’t you know that Stephanie McMahon is the one who made the revolution happen.” - Sasha Banks. Yeah, that about sums it up really, doesn't it? It’s also the reason it won’t work. Paige vs. Sasha Banks This could be the best women’s match on Raw so far this year. Sadly, they start with the protracted Goldberg-Lesnar lock-up spot from WrestleMania XX, which is an interesting choice. It doesn't fill me with confidence. It might help the match if the announcers showed some enthusiasm, rather than talking about it in monotonous tones. They sound like Tim Robbins reading The Great Gatsby. They go a little “Indy” at first with mirror spots, ending with a double dropkick and a standoff. Paige takes over and works the arm for a while, then sends Sasha out of the ring and hits a crossbody on all of Team B.A.D. as we go to commercial. When we return, Sasha is working a... chinlock, very good. She is fully converted to the WWE way now. During commercial, Paige and Sasha’s teams were both sent to the back, leaving us with less distractions. A welcome decision from the referee. Sasha takes her turn to control the bout, but it’s all rather generic. Paige mounts a comeback with a series of short arm clotheslines and a superkick, then looks for the PTO. “Incredible match,” says the bereft of all credibility Michael Cole. Paige loudly calls some spots - as always - they have a communications breakdown in the corner, then Sasha finishes with the Bank Statement. I wanted this to be so much more, but it was disappointingly drab. Final Rating: *3/4 Backstage, Rene Young is with a special guest. “Please welcome...” Advert break. Swell production there, WWE, just top notch. Promo Time: Rusev & Summer Rae Summer’s facials are so blatantly phony that she comes across like a plastic gameshow prize pointer. Imagine my amusement then, when I see that Rusev has boxes of presents. “Let’s see what you could have won!” Rusev gives Summer a gift: a puppy. Because it is ugly, has skinny legs, and pees on itself, he names it Dog Ziggler. Oh, snap. Next, Rusev pulls a headless fish out of a box, calling it Lana. He has Summer wave it around to demonstrate his point. Lana comes down and points out for the slow folk in the audience who didn't get the subtlety last week that Rusev is dressing Summer like her, and that he stared at her while kissing his new fancy woman. Summer starts getting mouthy, so Lana takes her down with a leg kick and rubs her face in the fish. A bunch of women in the locker room who dislike the phony Summer absolutely loved that. Rusev just stands there and watches helplessly, because this is the PG Era and a man cannot lay a finger on a woman. If this was the Attitude Era, she would have been hurled off and thrown in the Accolade. Lana slaps Rusev, and walks off pleased with herself. The Lucha Dragons vs. Los Matadores Prime Time Players do commentary, and Titus is great at it again. This is one colourful match-up. Wonderfully so. These guys have the Indy bug too it seems and do a standoff at the start, though it is really messy. The rest of the action is incredibly fast-paced and full of flashy offence, though there are a few botches here and there, which is standard fare with these two tandems. Los Matadores slow things down with some rest holds, playing the heel role due to their less interesting style and slight size advantage. Kalisto is his usual bouncing ball self, though he barely connects with most of his stuff. During his fire, The New Day skip to ringside with a sign reading, “Real Mega Dad of the Year”, which points at Kofi. It’s a diss of Titus, who won a real award for being father of the year. Hell, it’s the reason he received this current push in the first place. Amidst the distraction, Kalisto scores the win to catapult The Lucha Dragons into the tag title picture. Theoretically. In reality they will likely lose on SmackDown to New Day, who will get yet another run with the PTP. Final Rating: *3/4 Promo Time: The Wyatt Family These days, when Bray Wyatt speaks, I don't even hear the words he is saying anymore. I do listen. I listen intently, but it’s the same vaguely clever-sounding, but ultimately-nonsensical drivel that he always spouts. This time he tells a story about having released his pet into the wild, but the pet returning after seeing the outside world, never running away from him again. The idea being, Luke Harper is the pet. Harper gets to speak, and blames the fans for him being the way he is. “When you pray for the rain, you best be prepared for the mud.” Yeah, that means nothing. Charlotte & Becky Lynch vs. Nikki Bella & Alicia Fox The problem with putting Charlotte and Becky in the same team is that they can’t wrestle each other. Instead, they get lumped with the talentless duo of Nikki Bella and Alicia Fox. Becky leads Nikki through a bunch of chain wrestling, and it is like watching Bambi learn to walk. Nikki shows no aptitude for the intricacies of what she is doing, lying in an arm bar with her arm folded like an amateur. How does that hurt you, you ditzy cow!? If she was bending her arm to prevent the hold it would be fine, but she is selling it. She doesn't have a clue. Charlotte runs a sequence with Alicia, and the latter ends up landing on her head from a bump because she doesn't know what she is doing either. It gives her a concussion. Alicia has been with WWE for approaching a decade, yet she still cannot master a simple bump. They do another bit later where Alicia does a zany submission, and it just falls apart. Becky tags in and kicks Alicia’s ass, then finishes with the Disarmer. They keep putting the new girls over, but where is it going? It’s just wins for the sake of wins each week, without any purpose or real change. This benefitted from Nikki not doing much, but both of the Team Bella girls were out of their depth. Final Rating: *1/4 Michael Cole hypes Tough Enough, noting how the competitors endured a tough week. Yeah, they found out one of their judges was a dirty great racist. Anyway, isn't a show called Tough Enough supposed to be taxing? Kevin Owens vs. Randy Orton I like Kevin Owens, but I have little interest in seeing this match. Owens has been ruined for me since he banged his head on the WWE glass ceiling and came crashing back down to earth as yet another midcarder. Randy is over-protected, so there is little hope for Owens here... except for the fact that Sheamus is situated at the announce desk. It’s the third guest commentary spot of the evening, which is too much. How about a few fresh ideas? Naturally, he is involved in the finish, kicking Orton in the face for the DQ. “Are you not entertained?” NO. Kevin Owens = Dean Ambrose #2: Yet another guy who stands in the vicinity while the main eventers do programs around him. Sheamus attacks Orton after the match, Cesaro makes the save, but Owens drills him with the pop-up powerbomb. This was yet another dreary encounter on a really bland show. Final Rating: *1/2 WWF United States Championship John Cena (c) vs. Seth Rollins Mackle reminds us that John Cena is a fifteen-time World Champion, one reign away from tying Ric Flair’s record. Well, the WWE version of his record, at least. I have no doubt in my mind that Cena will do it before he winds down his career, and to be honest I can see him hitting twenty. Tangent: WWE’s new thing is smashing records, determined to completely erase their past so they can promote the current crop as the greatest of all time. In recent years they have ruined a number of long-standing Royal Rumble records on a whim (I am still furious that The Warlord’s record went by the wayside), next year they are going to announce WrestleMania 32 outdrawing WrestleMania III (irrespective of whether it does or not), and Ric Flair’s sixteen title runs is quite obviously next if the announcers are directly referencing it. They don't have the nous to come up with factoids like that on their own. They never say anything without prior approval first. It’s one of the reasons the commentary feels so robotic and one-track all of the time. Little happens in the first phase of the match prior to commercial. When we return, Seth is running heat to crowd silence. Cena’s brief comeback wakes them up, and they run a nice sequence where Cena goes for his trademarks and Seth escapes using smart wrestling. When Seth cuts him off with an enzuigiri, the places drops completely silent again. Cena fires back again with a swish tornado DDT, but Rollins escapes and scores with a topé. Seth hits a top rope flying knee to the face, but Cena gets his hands up far too early and it looks totally fake. “Listen to the matches we have seen tonight for the first time!” bellows Cole suddenly, before reeling off the list of mundane matches we have had to endure tonight. Don’t remind us of it! The two combatants engage in a slugfest, ending when Seth dives at Cena with a flying knee that would have stopped most UFC fighters. It sure makes up for the crappy top rope knee a minute ago Cena doesn't get his hands up at all this time, so Seth connects directly with his nose, smashing it open. Blood pours from Cena, but he has no interest in waiting for the doctor to clear him to continue, or to stop the bleeding, and he carries on like a champ. Cena doesn't pussy out of anything, and I wouldn't have blamed him if he had, quite frankly. A doctors eventually jumps in to check on the injury (it’s a broken nose, I can tell that from here) and stop the bleeding (boo). For some reason, the ref doesn't don gloves like they usually do when blood is involved. The matches continues, and Cena takes a bunch of moves from Seth, then comes back with his wacky Stunner (which Seth barely sells) and tries for the AA. Seth flips out and connects with a superkick to the side of the head for a near fall. The crowd thinks it is awesome, but I am not going there again this week. It’s a good match, the blood makes it better, but it is not awesome. It approaches that when Cena scores with a super surprise AA for a near fall, and Seth comes back with a superplex and a sitout jackhammer in a great sequence. During that we get a close-up look at Cena’s nose, and it is an absolute mess. It’s on the wrong side of his face! Cena manages to survive Seth’s onslaught and locks on the STF for the win. The match wasn't anything close to Cena’s epics with Kevin Owens and Cesaro, but the fact that he worked the last five minutes at full tilt with a broken, bloody nose is impressive. Kudos to the man for saving the show once again. Final Rating: ***1/4 THE RAW RECAP: Most Entertaining: John Cena. Another superb performance from a man who has turned me from a hater into a fan with his remarkable workrate in 2015. Least Entertaining: Nikki Bella. She belongs in a different profession. Quote of the Night: “Don’t you know that Stephanie McMahon is the one who made the revolution happen.” - Sasha Banks. Match of the Night: John Cena vs. Seth Rollins Summary: Man, oh man, this was a boring show. The “first time ever” aspect added nothing, with the matches failing to deliver up and down the card. The only real angle was the bizarre situation involving Rusev, Summer, Lana and a headless fish. It was like a skit from Tuesday Night Titans. Without Brock Lesnar, The Undertaker and the weekly Cesaro classic, the show was severely lacking. After last week, this was a major comedown. WWE repeat this pattern constantly. They do something good, they get plaudits, then the following week they present the most mundane tosh imaginable. A real slog to endure other than the main event. Verdict: 27 Usually, Arnold Furious and I take turns with these Raw shows, in part because it makes the long three hours a little more bearable when done every fortnight. However, he has decided to undertake the mammoth task of covering every G-1 25 show, every day for the next few weeks. Thus I have agreed, with some gentle persuasion, to take on this post-Battleground episode of Raw.
Promo Time: The Undertaker We are not wasting any time getting to the biggest talking point from last night’s show: the surprise return of The Undertaker, and his attack on Brock Lesnar. Rather than let us enjoy the increasingly rare spectacle of Undertaker’s entrance, Michael Cole has to talk over it. He has three hours to ramble on about bullshit, we don't need him talking now. Taker is bathed in a blue light, basking in the crowd’s adulation before he utters a word. This is the first time he has spoken on WWE programming since before WrestleMania XXX, and indeed not since The Streak ended. Taker says he is remorseless about what he did last night, blaming Lesnar’s constant bragging about ending his as the motivation. Aww, his feelings are hurt. Poor phenom. “Last night was my true resurrection,” he claims. Yeah, if you count one match to spike Network numbers as a resurrection. Taker challenges Lesnar to a match, promising to conquer that which cannot be conquered. Backstage, Triple H and Stephanie mark out over the return of Undertaker, then announce that the match is taking place at SummerSlam. I guess Undertaker forget to mention that little fact. Steph says she will get the promotional ball rolling, while Hunter says he will call Paul Heyman and tell he and Brock not to bother showing up, in case there is an incident with Taker. It’s a creative way of explaining why he is not on the show, I suppose. Then, disaster. Michael Cole hypes two matches announced for the show tonight. The first a six-man tag featuring a bunch of guys who wrestled last night, one of whom is John Cena. That means no U.S. Title Challenge, which is annoying because it is always the most entertaining part of the show. Furthermore, Cole tells us that “Stephanie McMahon revolutionised the Divas division last week,” which is maddening. Giving Steph credit is bad enough, but the fact they think anything has changed at all is the bigger issue. This is not a revolution! The women are still scantily clad, the Bellas are still around, they are still called “Divas”. The list goes on. Even worse still is that tonight’s match will see Charlotte against Brie friggin’ Bella! If they wanted to make an impact right off the bat, they should have put Sasha Banks in a singles match with either Charlotte or Becky Lynch, and given then twenty minutes. A shitfest with Brie Bella does nothing for anyone involved or the “Divalution”. Charlotte vs. Brie Bella Team B.A.D. join commentary, which is another move that cheapens the action. Having anyone do guest commentary in any match tends to be a detriment, because the focus becomes about them rather than what is going on in the ring. Brie comes out to her ear-polluting theme tune, and does her usual smiling and winking pose on the top of the stage. She is a heel, but she acts like a babyface. Both she and her sister have no clue what they are doing. They are like pre-programmed vacant automatons. Kinda like Michael Cole, who keeps referring to Tamina as “Tina”. “Are you part of the change, or part of the problem?” asks JBL to Naomi. She is stumped. She says he wants change and wants it on her terms, which is hilarious because Mother Hen Stephanie assigned them all to set teams last week: the Total Divas team, the workrate team, and the all-black team. Don't try and pretend that isn't the reason. This is WWE we are talking about. The first few exchanges are not up to much, and then we have a horrible Brie botch right before commercial when she moves out of the way of a Charlotte dive, then falls down and sells it anyway. Either she was supposed to take it and screwed it up, or... well hell, I have no idea what else she could have been doing. After commercial, I am greeted with the aural assault of Nikki and Alicia chanting, “We love Brie Mode,” like a pair of annoying marks. Get these cunts off my fucking television! In the ring, Brie dominates Charlotte with Daniel Bryan kicks and a boring chinlock, with Charlotte being made to look like a bit of a jobber. She is like all of the NXT guys who came up and worked with Cena, supposedly overmatched against the “experienced pro”. The crowd are actually far more into this than most women’s matches, showing they are willing to give this Divalution a chance. How long that will last is anyone’s guess when WWE keeps doing the same thing every week. Charlotte makes a comeback and goes for the Figure Eight, but Nikki jumps on the apron for the distraction. Charlotte launches her with a kick, then doesn't fall victim to the distraction roll-up, but rather hits a spear and locks on the Figure Eight for the win. At least the awful Brie Bella didn't go over. Like last night though, this wasn't as good as it needed to be in order to facilitate a positive change in attitudes towards the division. It wasn't even close. Final Rating: * Backstage, Triple H and Paul Heyman argue on the phone. Hunter shouts at him to get a set of balls and tell Brock he is not allowed to come to the show. The Miz is there during all of this, desperately trying to get Hunter’s attention so he whine about getting punched in the face last night. Trips dismisses him and books him against Big Show. Miz pouts, obviously, because that’s what he does. Los Matadores vs. The Prime Time Players I was pleased to see PTP retain last night, even if the booking has made little sense. I do hope this isn't the start of a title program with Los Matadores. It’s not that they are a bad team or anything - though I do despise the bull - but where have they been for the past few months? Why would they suddenly warrant a title match? After a brief shine, Young gets his ass handed to him by the comedy duo. When Titus comes in he looks great, again, chucking Los Matadores around with casual ease. Cue the arrival of New Day, who spout some shit and cause Titus to fall victim to a Back Stabber and get pinned. Please! Enough with the fucking distraction finish every single goddamn week! Raw is boring enough without every finish being the same! I detest WWE’s booking philosophy. What benefit is there to having the tag champs lose to a joke team? Final Rating: *1/4 The Miz vs. The Big Show Show was a babyface in his interaction with Miz last night, so I am counting that as turn number, whatever the hell we are up to now. Forty one? “The whole Marine franchise is at stake here!” - JBL. Well doesn't that just give this match so much more meaning. Show mauls Miz and ends him with an elbow drop from the middle rope in short order. Shite. Final Rating: SQUASH Post match, Show cuts a heel promo (forty-two!) and yells at Miz for last night saying he had been missing since the Attitude Era. To be fair to Miz, he did have a point. Show yells about wanting the IC Title, then cuts a promo on the Tough Enough cast! Who cares? Really, who in the world cares? Backstage, Triple H and Steph spy Paul Heyman. Their reaction is great. “Paul, get back in your box!”. Okay, they didn't say that, but they should have. Heyman defends his presence as merely being so he can give Brock’s retort, and that Lesnar isn't here. Hunter and Steph don't believe him and decide to increase the security on the show. After commercial, Hunter and Steph address the locker room from on a stage. It looks like a low-rent play. Steph bollocks the roster, because exerting her power over men gets her off, and Hunter tells them that their livelihoods depend on preserving the SummerSlam main event. This was so weird. Not only because rivals and opponents later in the night were co-mingling, but because the staging of it was so unusual. Promo Time: Paul Heyman Heyman reminds everyone why Brock Lesnar isn't the WWE Champion, noting that Brock and Taker coming face to face last night fifteen months after their WrestleMania match was a monumental occasion. I guess. Heyman defends his constant hyping of Lesnar ending The Streak, asking why he wouldn't brag about it. He has a point. To me, Undertaker just comes off as a sore loser in all of this. It is not like Lesnar beat him unfairly. Heyman hypes the Taker-Lesnar match, tremendously as ever, then decides to further get under Taker’s skin with more gloating about Taker losing to Brock. “You might have sold your soul to the Devil, but Brock Lesnar owns your ass.” Heyman proceeds to shit himself when the dong hits and the lights go out, then come back on to reveal Taker standing in the ring. He threatens the advocate, but before he gets his hands on him Lesnar’s music hits and he steams to the ring. I guess he is here after all! Cole and Saxton are terrified and both run away, which is a nice touch. The crowd goes apeshit as the two brawl, then a swarm of rent-a-cops hit the ring to try and keep them apart. “Let them fight,” chant the crowd. Taker batters the security folk holding him back, and Lesnar does the same to his, and they go at it again. Hunter sends the majority of the roster down, including guys like Cesaro, Kevin Owens and Sheamus, though conspicuous by their absence are Randy Orton and supposed company man John Cena. I guess their absence and the presence of those mentioned sums up their respective statures these days. The visual spectacle is amazing, with the ring absolutely full to bursting point, and even then the entire roster can barely keep the pair apart. Lesnar gets creative in evading them, running around the ring to fight Taker on the apron, and for his part Taker breaks loose and continues the fight as well. Eventually, after a few minutes of this and the crowd chanting about how awesome it all is, Lesnar gets hauled away, screaming, “I’m going to kill you!” as he is removed. In the parking lot after commercial, the fight continues! Again, the roster is utterly useless, but then they are all on an entirely different level to these two. Lesnar hurls a table at a bunch of referees on route to flying at Taker, once again showing that he could have been an Olympic thrower, and probably still could be. Finally Lesnar gets backed into a corner by cops and agrees to let them cuff him and march him away, but warns them not to touch him. One does, and the look Lesnar gives him probably caused his heart to skip a few beats. This was awesome as well. Now that is how you build a main event. What a segment this was. Easily the finest match build of the year, and probably the best angle on the show in 2015 as well. Lesnar vs. Taker II (in Lesnar’s second run at least, they had a hatful of matches in his first) should be quite the event. Backstage, Steph questions Hunter about Brock getting arrested, but Hunter says he is not pressing charges, he simply wants him to cool off. Seth Rollins turns up and asks for interview time so he can get some things off his chest. Christ, there has been a lot of talking tonight. Bray Wyatt does his usual promo, with Luke Harper back by his side. “Anyone but you, Roman,” “It never stops,” etc. We know the drill. Luke Harper vs. Roman Reigns Dean Ambrose heads out to even the numbers for this, as WWE presents us with their fresh idea of the week: a truncated version of the very successful Shield vs. Wyatts feud. It’s not the worst thing they could do. I am certainly pleased that Harper has rejoined Wyatt at the very least, because I think it helps both of them. This is the first proper match on the show in ages, and unfortunately it’s rather boring. For some reason, Byron Saxton spends the whole match stood up behind the announce desk, which is incredibly distracting. What on earth is he playing at? Oh, Bray Wyatt has taken his seat. Couldn't they have found him another one from somewhere? They had three spares out there earlier when Team B.A.D. were commentating! Reigns takes a pasting, at one point getting hurled to the outside and landing on his already storyline injured arm. Harper targets the dodgy appendage, though he uses far too many rest holds to make it interesting. Reigns fights back with one arm, then loses focus and goes after Wyatt at ringside instead of finishing the match. He socks him one and hits a double Drive By on both of the Wyatt Family, though Wyatt recovers enough to pull Reigns out of the ring and draw the DQ. It all breaks down with a fracas on the outside, which the Wyatts win out on initially. Dean Ambrose makes a comeback after having been hurled into the timekeepers table, taking out Harper with a clothesline. Wyatt catches him for Sister Abigail, but Reigns decks Bray with a Superman punch to give the Shield boys the win in the battle. Both Reigns and Ambrose’s music play afterwards, which is quirky. Drab match, but a great post-match fight. Final Rating: * Promo Time: Seth Rollins I hoped we had been spared this tonight. I am not sure how many more Seth Rollins promos I can tolerate. Seth is a man without direction at the moment. The main event program at SummerSlam is by far Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar, and Seth doesn't have anyone left to work with that either hasn't done before, or that makes sense. The way Brock mauled him last night really hurt him too, and he was struggling to be taken seriously in the role as it was. All I want to hear about from him is where he went when Undertaker’s magic made him disappear last night. Instead, he rags on everyone for disrespecting him, and for thinking he was going to get his ass handed to him last night. But, he did get his ass handed to him last night! Seth thinks he got robbed of his moment at Battleground, denied the chance to pin Lesnar because of Undertaker’s actions. Yeah, after taking thirteen German suplexes, barely registering any offence, and having been hit with an F5, she sure looked like he was on route to a win. Where is this going? He is dwelling on a feud that is, for now, done with. Seth asks Lillian to the ring so she can make the announcement of last night’s match. All that does is remind everyone that Seth technically lost the bout via DQ. John Cena has heard enough and heads to the ring for a chat. He observes that both he and Seth won their respective titles on the same night, yet while he has been a fighting champion and a true representative of the title, Rollins has been a joke. Cena basically buries Seth’s title reign, which is counterproductive, though what he says is true. The go to throw down, but there has already been a shed load of brawling on the show tonight, so WWE saves them getting physical until next week. For anyone unclear, this is the WWE Championship program at SummerSlam. Cena makes sense in the respect that he has been on a roll of late, and if Rollins beats him it could be good for his waning credibility. However, I cannot quite understand why WWE kept the United States Championship on Cena last night based on this booking. All they do by having United States Champion Cena go after the WWE Championship is devalue the U.S. belt. Cena has been putting it over for months, almost above the WWE Championship, so for him to suddenly want the big belt again doesn't fit his character’s drive and ethos over the past four months. There is no way defeat to Owens at Battleground would have hurt Cena, but it sure would have helped Owens and the future prospects of the WWE Championship, now that Cena is mingling with main eventers again. Sasha Banks & Naomi vs. Paige & Becky Lynch Your eyes don’t deceive you, this is in fact the second women’s match on the card. It’s also by some way the finest match on the show so far, given nearly fifteen minutes to get over, and despite the presence of the blank Bellas on commentary. Still, I would take Nikki Bella behind the announce desk above in the ring any day. It’s not like her commentary is much worse that Michael Cole’s anyway. The crowd was fairly into this, not to NXT levels or anywhere close really, but more so than almost every Divas match on the show this year. Sasha and Lynch are head and shoulders above the other two girls in both fire, charisma and general ring presence, and that is very much evident here. Paige and Naomi are not too bad, with the latter’s light-up boots still a thing of beautiful genius, but they are not as good as some seem to think. They have simply been made to look better than they are because of the low standard of girls they have previously worked with. The potential is there though, and working long matches week in, week out against talented grapplers will only help. If you ignore the commentary, where Brie casually no-sells having lost twice to Charlotte in two nights, and Nikki claims the Bellas are happy with the change to the division, completely oblivious to the fact that they are its key problem, the match is a lot of fun. Part of that is down to the novelty aspect, but they do hold together a fifteen minute bout far better than Reigns and Harper did earlier. Lynch is explosive, a firecracker at times with quick execution of her moves, hard-hitting offence and excellent selling. In my eyes, she will be the star of this Divalution. She reminds me of Lita, only with actual wrestling ability. It is the other Raw newcomer, Sasha Banks, who scores victory tonight however, tapping Paige with the Bank Statement. I enjoyed this. Final Rating: **1/2 Backstage, Renee Young interviewed Lana regarding Dolph Ziggler’s health status. She says he is talking again, and they are waiting for the all-clear from the doctors. Summer Rae turns up dressed as Lana, with her hair tied back and everything. She imitates Lana’s mannerisms, making them really irritating because Summer is really irritating, then Rusev walks in. He is blown away by how beautiful Summer is, and plants a big kiss on her right in front of Lana. Mid-kiss he opens one eye and stares a hole through Lana, with the suggestion being that he is clearly still hung up on his ex, and is trying to remould his new girlfriend to look identical to her. “Lana, you don't look so good,” he laughs before walking off. Summer gives her a big slap before she departs, just to emphasise what a bitch she is. I found this little ordeal strangely captivating, and a tad uncomfortable, which is good. It was better than corny, half-baked comedy. John Cena, Randy Orton & Cesaro vs. Kevin Owens, Sheamus & Rusev The line up is a bit of an odd one. You have two guys who are protected at the expense of all others, two who have had their pushes killed by Super Cena, one constantly over-pushed despite never getting over anywhere near the level expected, and another criminally under-utilised despite consistently outperforming nearly everyone on the roster. The latter, which is of course Cesaro, is getting big-time over again, close if not equal to the levels he was at in early 2014. He is so good that even his exchanges with Sheamus manage to be interesting. Yes, Sheamus! Interesting! However, he is also the most expendable of the babyface trio in the eyes of WWE, so naturally he takes the heat. Pleasingly, the pace is quick, making this a rare instance where the Raw multi-man main event isn't a colossal bore. Sheamus and Owens end up getting into a disagreement when Owens accidentally clocks Sheamus, leading to Sheamus bailing on the match. The Heel Union is broken! Moments later, Owens falls out with Rusev, then hits him with a superkick and leaves. What is going on here!? It makes the match dichotomy bizarre for the final sequence, especially when Cesaro, who has two team mates to fall back on, makes the hot tag. Rusev is left alone fighting the odds again, just like last week. WWE are totally babyfacing him without even realising it. Lana chooses this moment to wander to ringside and confront Summer Rae, throwing a shoe at her face and taking her to the mat. All this is missing is Joey Styles screaming “Catfight!” Lana rips out Summer’s bun and walks away to big pops. The faces finish off Rusev by hitting their finishers, with Orton hitting his RKO from a Cesaro slingshot after the giant swing. This was really over for a Raw main event, because usually after three hours, the crowd are dead. I guess it shows what a good episode this was. Final Rating: **3/4 THE RAW RECAP: Most Entertaining: Brock Lesnar and The Undertaker. Both deserve to share the plaudits for their tremendous pull-apart brawl. Least Entertaining: The Bellas. Their presence, their wooden, dead commentary, their voices, their phony faces, their attitudes, their wrestling ability. Pray for the cancellation of Total Divas. Quote of the Night: “I’M GOING TO KILL YOU.” - Welcome to the decidedly un-PG world of Brock Lesnar. Match of the Night: Sasha Banks & Naomi vs. Paige & Becky Lynch. I may not have rated it as highly as the main event, because it wasn't quite as good, but I enjoyed it more because it felt like progress. Summary: This was a great show. Naturally, the superb pull-apart between Brock Lesnar and The Undertaker was the most memorable aspect of the broadcast, but there was plenty of other stuff to enjoy too. It was certainly a much easier watch than the majority of Raw episodes this year. The main event and the women’s tag bout were both enjoyable, even with the wacky booking, and horrible Bellas commentary. It’s a step in the right direction from WWE across the board, and SummerSlam is already feeling like the mid-year equivalent of WrestleMania, which is what they have wanted for years. Hopefully they can keep this going in the next few weeks, and don't run out of steam getting to the big event like they did with WrestleMania. Verdict: 69 Sheamus vs. Randy Orton
Ten seconds. That is how long it took for my interest in this pay-per-view to diminish significantly. It’s the proverbial kick in the crotch of show-opening matches. Randy is over big, because we are in his hometown, though as usual Sheamus invokes only apathy. What can this match offer that we haven't seen from them dozens of times already? Even the best match I have seen between these two was boring. What is the issue between these two anyway? It’s one of the programmes where they supposedly dislike each other, but there is no reason as to why. They don't like one another because they are booked in a feud, that’s it. “Now it’s at a pace Sheamus likes,” says Mackle. He means slow. After an age of mundane Sheamus offence, they have a lethargic slugfest that Randy gets the better of, then spill to the outside to carry on the fight. Randy dumps Sheamus on the announce table, which doesn't break, and I’m glad. A table bump in the match would be silly. The pace ups a little as they both attempt to hit trademarks and finishers, which Sheamus comes out on top of with White Noise. Is that a finisher? It is hard to tell with Sheamus because he has half a dozen generic moves with unnecessary gimmicky names attached. Randy kicks out anyway. After some more uninspiring exchanges, Orton hits a superplex and his draping DDT, then whips the crowd into a frenzy hot-dogging to set up the RKO. He dicks around for so long that Sheamus nearly catches him with a roll up, then gets knocked silly with the Brogue Kick. For once, he hits it in the mush. Sheamus doesn't cover, instead locking the Texas Cloverleaf to try and get the submission. Poor psychology. Orton fights the hold for a while before reaching the ropes, then connects with the RKO... outta nowhere for the win. Sheamus has the MITB briefcase remember, so of course it makes sense to beat him week in, week out. “What a match tonight,” reckons Cole. I thought it was shit. I mean, the action was fine if you had never seen a Sheamus-Orton match before. I have seen around a hundred, so it was more of the same, repetitive sequences I have seen them do countless times before. Tough one to rate really. Final Rating: *1/2 “You are tiny, I feel like the Big Show,” says Stephanie to her interviewer Jo-Jo. You sort of look like him too! Steph gets herself over in St. Louis with cheap pops, even referencing Sam Muchnik’s Wrestling at the Chase. I wonder who fed her that line. After that she promises more from the women’s revolution, and reveals there will be a triple threat match between a member each of the respective gangs that she assigned on Raw. Hell, that means at least one Bella will be wrestling. What if they do Brie Bella vs. Tamina vs. Paige? Oh, the humanity. WWE Tag Team Championship The Prime Time Players (c) vs. The New Day Based on the booking from Raw the past five weeks, the challengers should be going over here because they have been getting their asses routinely handed to them. In WWE mentality, they are due a win to even things up. PTP are wearing their shiny pay-per-view pants tonight, and they look ridiculous but brilliant. Much like the opener, I have seen this match repeatedly over the past few weeks, so it holds little appeal. Kofi seems eager to get the match over, bumping around in an animated fashion in the early going. He gets too cocky for his own good and starts slapping Titus across the head, so the massive Titus responds with some delightfully vicious chops. Pretty soon it descends into standard tag formula, with Young on the receiving end of New Day double teams. Big E hits a painful looking splash on the apron followed by an abdominal stretch, using Young’s exposed chest to clap with and start a “New Day sucks” chant. In theory at least. St. Louis don't play along. Titus is a runaway train on the hot tag, running through New Day like they are not even there. He gets the audience right behind him, only to get cut off by Kofi. Young comes back in and hits a sweet belly-to-belly on Kofi, then decks Woods on the outside for good measure. He runs a smooth sequence that sees Big E crash into the post, Kofi miss Trouble in Paradise, and Young hit his reverse lung blower gimmick, then Titus finishes off Big E. Well, that makes all of the booking on Raw confusing. Maybe WWE have turned a corner with the even steven bullshit. Final Rating: ** Backstage, Becky Lynch, Charlotte and Paige share a moment. Lynch wants to rebuild the entire Diva’s division, but that’s a pipedream. While Total Divas exists, the Bellas and their ilk will always be around. Roman Reigns vs. Bray Wyatt There is little I despise more than Michael Cole reading out gimmicked wrestler tweets. When he does it for a character like Wyatt, it’s all the more galling. Despite having been almost ignored since WrestleMania, and certainly not forced down people’s throats like he was prior to the supercard, Reigns remains unpopular with the crowd. They start out with the protracted lock-up spot that Goldberg and Brock Lesnar made so infamous at WrestleMania XX, then take turns clobbering each other. When Wyatt gets on top it’s a bit bland, because he doesn't have particularly interesting offence. Reigns counters with an impressive Samoan drop which sends Wyatt rolling to the outside, then he does something dumb: he runs around the ring attempting a spear or something on Wyatt, who moves, and he crashes into the stairs. It doesn't sound all that dumb, but the way they executed it made it seem like Roman charged himself up like a rhino, then got stuck on rails and ran slowly into some steps. It wasn't good. Back to Wyatt control, and again it is cumbersome. Bray does a lot of walking around between moves, and then a lot of stomping before he does anything else interesting. Wyatt takes a page out of his father’s playbook and sits with a chinlock applied for an age. It’s like watching paint dry. Reigns finally escapes with a backdrop, then mounts his comeback. Nobody cares. He goes for his Drive By dropkick, but Wyatt counters with a vicious clothesline while Reigns is in mid-air. Wyatt follows with a senton on the outside, but the useless director manages to miss it. The camerawork in WWE these days is awful. Back in the ring, Wyatt goes for a superplex, only for Reigns to escape and hit a powerbomb. “Roman Reigns just won’t go away,” says Cole. Indeed. Wyatt blocks the Superman punch and they both jockey for position, then end up on the outside again where Reigns this time manages to hit a version of the Drive By. Back inside he tries for the Superman punch again, but once more gets blocked, this time into Sister Abigail. Reigns won’t learn. The match rumbles on, with Reigns hitting Superman punch for the near fall. “This is awesome,” chant a handful of retards in the crowd. How I wish that overused, now-meaningless chant would just fuck off. Wyatt returns fire by avoiding a spear and hitting his dad’s old Write Off clothesline, but Roman kicks out again. Wyatt tries for Sister Abigail and plants Roman with a kiss, which raises his homophobic ire and he gives Bray a shoeing. He can’t finish him though, and Wyatt ends up in possession of some chairs. He intends to use them on Roman, but gets stopped. Then suddenly Reigns loses his temper and starts throwing chairs into the ring. While he is dicking around doing that, Luke Harper turns up under a hoodie and hurls Roman into the post, then follows with a superkick. Wyatt takes him back in the ring and finishes him with Sister Abigail., because Roman Reigns is the modern day Lex Luger and always loses the big matches. The announcers play it off like they don't recognise Harper, though the big fucking beard rather gives it away. When he takes his hood off, the crowd strongly approve of the Wyatt Family reunion. As do I. This was very, very long. Final Rating: ** Backstage, Team B.A.D. have had a slight name change, and rather than the acronym standing for “Best at Dominating”, which is a terrible name, it is now “Beautiful and Dangerous”. Much better, though it doesn't apply to Tamina. Sasha Banks vs. Charlotte vs. Brie Bella Two super workers in here, then the ongoing shit-fest that is Brie Bella. Oh Jesus, she is the worst option on that horrible team. Couldn't the Bellas team have just decided to sit this one out? “Man, things have changed in the matter of just six nights in the Divas decision, haven't they?” - Cole. Not really. They have simply plugged good workers into the same tired formula. The problem with this match is that every time it looks like Charlotte and Sasha might do something interesting, Brie is there to ruin it with her awful offence, awful selling, awful voice and awful psychology. Sasha gets plenty of the match, and spends a good portion of it mocking Charlotte. She does some cool stuff, and Brie actually stays away for a while “selling”, or in other words, leaving the wrestlers to wrestle. Charlotte hits her suplex neckbreaker on Sasha for a near fall, but Brie breaks it up and starts firing off moves of her own. She throws in a Daniel Bryan tribute with kicks while both opponents are on their knees, but gets taken out with a Charlotte spear that was intended for Sasha. The real wrestlers do an overly complex spot leading to a neckbreaker, then get caught by a Brie double dropkick. She goes to down with running knees, then starts screaming like an irritating banshee. She gets dumped, then a dive sequence follows, starting with Brie getting dropkicked off the apron and completely overshooting Alicia and Nikki, who fail to catch her. She head spikes it on the outside, and she is lucky not to be injured. Sasha and Charlotte do dives, then back inside Sasha locks Charlotte in the Bank Statement. Brie breaks it up, but Charlotte blocks her crappy X-Factor into the Figure Eight for the win. I’m thrilled that Brie didn't win, and she had a few moments of competence in there against all the odds. Maybe the good workers can drag the appalling Bellas to some good matches. This was much better than any Nikki Bella match from the past, oh I dunno, year, but that is a low benchmark to surpass. A reasonable start, though hardly revolutionary. It’s a step in the right direction at least. Final Rating: ** WWE United States Championship John Cena (c) vs. Kevin Owens The burning question then: will WWE do something bold and make a new star, or will the phenomenal Kevin Owens be just another Cena victim? Of note is that this is the fourth match on the show that we have seen a couple of times before, though the standard of their last two bouts was remarkable. It gives them a tough act to follow because they have set the bar so high, and I worry that there is little else they can do to differentiate this from the others. One notable difference is that St. Louis is majorly into this, far more so than the crowds were for their previous two bouts. Don't get me wrong, the previous PPV matches they had were very well received, but this crowd is raucous from the off, and totally behind Owens. Jerry Lawler gets all worked up about the “Cena sucks” chants that have now been commonplace for a decade, and starts into a rant that he has no idea how to finish. The end result is something that sounds like a sentence falling down a flight of stairs. “He’s a good person,” stammers Lawler. Owens hits a bunch of stuff early, such as a spinning DVD neckbreaker and a senton, then Cena responds with a dropkick. JBL buries it, even though it wasn't that bad, saying it was, “not very high, but effective.” Why would you say that? A “not very high” dropkick is a bad dropkick. Cena hits his top rope Rocker Dropper and gets amazing height, then Owens counters with the most vicious DDT I have seen in years. Cena bumps it squarely on his, erm, square head. They continue to forgo a slow build of typical match pacing and throw in big move after big move, which is great but might leave them with nowhere to go later on if this goes for a long time. Owens starts hitting Cena moves, better than Cena, then “big match John” fires back with a sitout face buster. Into the STF, but Owens escapes and hits a backbreaker. Wait, are we still allowed to call it that? The pace of this has been frantic. It is already far better than everything else on the show. The first German suplex of the night comes courtesy of Owens, though I have a sneaky suspicion it won’t be the last. Owens follows with a cannonball, then turns to Michael Cole and shouts, “Are you calling this like you should, Cole?” Ooh, dangerous. He is leaving himself susceptible to the deadly distraction roll-up finish there. Cole showers himself in glory by referring to Cena as having an “innovative style” when he hits the Code Red, which is hilarious after a decade of him doing the same act. He has been great in 2015, but that’s still a dumbass thing to claim. Cena hits the AA “for the win”, but Owens kicks out. This whole match has been one long finish sequence. Y’know, that’s fine. There is no need for a feeling-out process in a rubber match. To the top where Cena goes for a superplex, only for Owens to counter with his terrifying fisherman’s brainbuster. Cena counters the pop-up powerbomb into a rana, but Owens counters back again by hitting the AA and STF. Wonderful. Cena makes the ropes, then hits a tornado DDT out of nowhere for another close fall. The “this is awesome” chants rain down again, and for once they are probably accurate. He follows up with the still-hilarious springboard Stunner, which Owens doesn't even bother to sell because it is so rubbish, and immediately hits a fighting spirit clothesline. More head drop goodness from Owens with a fisherman buster onto the knee, then Cena comes back immediately with an AA out of the blue for a two count. There should probably be more selling for some of these vicious moves, but it is so entertaining that it barely matters. Owens hits the pop-up powerbomb, and now it is Cena’s turn to kick out of a finisher. These guys are going to need some new finishing moves at this rate. Cena ups his game with a frankly insane AA from the top, and Owens kicks out! Holy shit, that looked like the finish. Cena sells the kick out with a look of utter disbelief. I am not surprised. Cena doesn't know what do to, and his procrastinating nearly costs him when Owens catches him in a cradle. Cena kicks out and puts on the STF, then pulls Owens back centre ring when he nearly makes the ropes. This time it gets the job done when Owens taps. Hmm. That’s a really flat ending. Congratulations WWE, you’ve done it again. Kevin Owens has got over quicker than anyone in recent memory and has put in a series of world class performances, and he should have been rewarded for it. I don't blame Cena, he does what he is booked to do, but how can Vince McMahon not see that the time was right to pull the trigger on Kevin Owens? Classic match though, which lived up to the expectations and then some. It was probably my favourite of their series. Final Rating: ****1/2 Promo Time: The Miz What is this mind-numbing twat here for? I thought we had been spared having to suffer through this pathetic excuse for a wrestler. Worse than seeing him wrestle, we have to hear him ramble on like a whining little dick. He does say two things I agree with though, the first that Big Show “has been missing since the Attitude Era”, and that he should do what everyone wants him to do and retire. It is interesting to me that WWE are willing to acknowledge that their fan base are so fed up of one of their performers that they want him to quit the business. When someone has X-Pac heat like that, it is time to put them on the shelf. In the most predictable piece of booking of the year, Show turns up, knocks out Miz, then leaves. This was as worthless as any segment you will ever see. WWE Championship Seth Rollins (c) vs. Brock Lesnar Seth’s tactic from the off is avoidance and picking his shots, but all he does is annoy Lesnar. It takes over a minute for the first German to come, then it turns to a downpour. Jerry Lawler shows his senile side by trying to sing a little ditty about Suplex City, which is completely inappropriate for a main event. The guy needs putting out to pasture. Seth takes five Germans then decides he has had enough and tries to bail through the crowd, but he forgets that Brock is a goddamn horse, hurdling the barricade and bringing him straight back to the ring. Brock hits a sixth German, but Seth flips out of a seventh and hits a flurry of quick offence. Five superkicks gets him nowhere, and Lesnar easily prevents the Pedigree with an F5 attempt. Brock tumbles to the outside where Seth hits a brace of dives, but Lesnar counters a third by scooting into the ring and hitting a belly-to-belly. Rolling Germans from Brock now, as the count reaches ten, then eleven. Brock is dripping with sweat as he slaps Rollins and hits a twelfth suplex. Rollins slaps him back, but Brock ignores it and powers him into the F5. That would be it, but then the lights go off and the unmistakeable opening strains of Undertaker’s theme hit. When the lights come back on, Taker is stood in the ring with Rollins and the referee both having magically disappeared. He gets an immense reaction, and the crowd fully support him destroying Lesnar with a chokeslam and a pair of Tombstones. It’s about time Undertaker addressed losing to Lesnar at WrestleMania. No finish here, then, just Taker walking away as the show fades to black. A non-finish in the main event of a pay-per-view isn't really acceptable, but I am pleased that Lesnar didn't actually lose. Final Rating: ***1/4 Summary: It’s a very run-of-the mill show aside from two bouts. Once again, just as every week on Raw, John Cena’s match carried the wrestling side of things. Remarkable really, given the abuse he receives from the fan base. There were other positives in the slight progress in the women’s division, and the surprise appearance of the Undertaker was a memorable one. Make no mistake though, his early return is down to either Vince reacting to terrible Raw ratings, or Vince reacting to disappointing Network numbers. Lesnar-Undertaker II will probably be a horrible match, but I am sure it will do strong business. With regards to this show, it is a thumbs up because of the Owens-Cena contest and the fun main event, but you can skip the rest. You have likely seen on Raw every week for months on end anyway. Verdict: 65 Last week’s show was mundane for the most part, but saved by two cracking segments: Brock Lesnar versus a car, and the splendid Cena-Cesaro main event epic. It felt like a go-home show to the pay-per-view, and it would have been a decent one. With that being said, I am curious about how WWE will manage to fill three hours pushing issues that have already been wringed for every drop of interest on the preceding four weeks of television since the last pay-per-view.
Promo Time: Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar Usual Heyman promo at first, with lots of ranting and raving about Brock’s various strengths, and how overmatched Rollins is. Seth cuts him off, flanked by Kane, even though the champ ran away from Lesnar last week and is supposed to be terrified of him. Suddenly Seth is full of confidence, promising to wipe the smile off Brock’s face at Battleground. Seth flubs his lines like a chump and gets mocked by the crowd and by Brock for it, once again proving that promos are not his strong point. “You talk about it like it’s a symbol of what I’m going to look like after Battleground,” says Seth of the knackered Cadillac which is sitting next to the stage. A silly thing to say, given Brock hasn't spoken a word of it. Seth weaves a nonsensical metaphor about burning Suplex City to the ground, so Brock offers him a trip there tonight. Kane is having none of that, and promises... a main event contract signing! How original. Kane tries to tell Heyman that if Brock does anything violent in the signing then he will be in trouble, but Heyman cuts him off. “Are you about to threaten Brock Lesnar?” he asks, incredulous. After mocking Kane for being Undertaker’s baby brother, Heyman says Lesnar will come to the signing with “peace and love”. Here’s a question: why would Rollins be willing to step into a ring with Lesnar for a signing, with only one man as backup? It makes no sense because it has been established that he is petrified of Brock. Ryback & Randy Orton vs. The Big Show & Sheamus The Miz is on commentary, which is good because it means that everybody in WWE who is overexposed and boring is kept in one place. Not so good that I have to suffer through this match, mind you. An interesting stat revealed in recent days was that Sheamus won his two-hundredth televised match on Raw last week, more than anyone else in company history. That is a remarkable, and sickening statistic. How can anyone want to see the guy wrestle ever again? What more is there that WWE can do with Sheamus? We have seen him work with everyone to the point of monotony. He has reached his glass ceiling, and nobody cares anymore. There is a reason his matches more than anyone else’s get the inane chant treatment. “I’m the toughest guy in the WWE, have you seen The Marine 4?” says Miz. There are some problems with that statement. The pouty weed is one of the least convincing wrestlers I have ever seen. He reminds me of Andy Kauffman when he was pretending to be a wrestler and beating up women. At least Kaufmann knew he was a comedy act and not a real tough guy. Miz seems to think he is a real wrestler! And as for the Marine 4 statement? No, nobody has seen The Marine 4! Nobody watches anything that WWE Films produce! I am specifically avoiding mentioning a single thing in this match because it is white noise. I would genuinely rather watch television static. Honestly, I would be overjoyed if all four of these guys, and Miz, received their future endeavours. It is not even that any of them, well, Big Show aside, are that bad in the ring. It is more than I have seen all of their routines over and over again for years on end without any respite. They have thirty-eight combined years in WWE between them! After two commercial breaks, the match still continues. Ryback gets a hot tag and cleans house, Miz starts doing the same shitty commentary he did last week and irritates everyone, then fleas from Show. Sheamus goes to finish Ryback, but Orton hits the RKO and Ryback hits a big splash from the top for the win. I despise Sheamus, but I cannot fathom WWE giving him MITB and having him lose every week. This was fifteen minutes of abject shite. Final Rating: DUD Backstage, Seth and Kane have a chat, but they don't say anything of interest. Dean Ambrose vs. Bray Wyatt Oh wow, I have never seen this match before. “This is definitely Bray Wyatt,” observes the ever-aware JBL. Well no goddamn kidding, genius. Who else is it going to be? Bray blows his lantern out and Roman Reigns turns up behind him then delivers a beating. Dean Ambrose takes a seat and enjoys the fun. After a brief tussle, Wyatt decks Reigns with his lantern and walks off. Helluva use of Dean Ambrose. Why not have Bray scheduled to wrestle literally anyone, and do the angle beforehand? Why waste Dean’s spot on the card? Final Rating: N/R Give Divas A Chance The entitled Nikki Bella, accompanied by Brie and Alicia Fox, gets to speak! Oh, have mercy! In her grating, dumb drawl she reckons she has done everything possible and is “the Total Diva”. Everything except learn how to work something that resembles a wrestling match. Nikki wants some real competition, which brings out Stephanie McMahon to interrupts and belittle Nikki and her pals, which for once is amusing rather than annoying. Though, wasn't Steph supposed to be friends with Nikki after SummerSlam last year? “There is a revolution in women’s sport right now,” says Steph, referencing women’s football, UFC and tennis. Wait, tennis? Nothing has changed in tennis for well over a decade. It’s just the Williams sisters taking turns being dominant. Also, the Women’s World Cup was hardly a revolution; people watched it because there was no real football on. Agreeing that the division is in need of a revamp, Steph brings out... Paige. It’s a decision Nikki is baffled by. “I don't even understand why she is out here! How many times has she failed?” Must be getting into the hundreds by now. Steph admonishes Nikki for running her mouth, scalding that Paige is out here because she wants her out here. But Paige isn't the only one, because Steph then brings out NXT starlet Becky Lynch! Steph observes that the numbers still aren’t fair, so brings out Charlotte too. Excellent... Sort of. I am not sure I want to see these super-talented wrestlers lose every week in three minutes matches against the awful Nikki Bella. For the record, Alicia Fox’s “pouting angry face” is a thing of rich unintentional comedy. She doesn't even look human. Naomi interrupts and says she has worked her ass of and deserves a spot, Steph quite rightly agrees, but she happens to know someone else who wants one too: Sasha Banks! Poor NXT. A mass brawl occurs between all nine of the women out there, ending with Charlotte, Sasha and Lynch taking out all of the Bella clan with their respective submission holds. This was pretty damn great, despite the presence of the Bellas and Steph. I can’t quite understand why heel bitch queen Stephanie McMahon was being the babyface here. Surely Paige could have brought the NXT girls out? Obviously, Steph wanted to have a hand in something that fans would be in favour of. It’s all about self-serving ego gratification. Enough of the negative though, this was a memorable moment and the best thing involving “Divas” on Raw in some years. The New Day vs. The Prime Time Players & Mark Henry After a typical New Day promo, we get this unfathomable match. The New Day and the Prime Time Players are wrestling at the pay-per-view, what logic is there to having them wrestle tonight? Or indeed, every damn week in the build up. Also, what is Mark Henry’s problem? One week he is a heel, the next he is a babyface. I am also convinced that he is only teaming with the PTP because they are all black. That’s how WWE do things. Nothing match, which the babyfaces win thanks to Mark Henry pinning Xavier Woods after the World’s Strongest Slam. The New Day are definitely regaining the belts at the pay-per-view based on how WWE do things. They have lost every week since dropping the straps. Final Rating: * King Barrett vs. R-Truth Why does this infernal feud continue!? Barrett beat WWE’s resident jester cleanly last week, the issue is done. In WWE’s mind this is an epic rivalry, in everyone else’s it is a piss break match. It is matches like this which make Raw such an absolute chore to watch every week. It’s the same thing over and over again until it loses all meaning and makes you actively hate everyone involved. Truth wins, cleanly, so almost certainly we are going to do this again. This program is wrestling groundhog day. Afterwards, Truth finds his fake cape, plunger sceptre and crown under the ring. Why would it be there? Why does Barrett even care that some nut job is stealing his gimmick anyway? It’s not like he is a real king, is it? Are we supposed to believe he thinks he is? Does that not make him just as deluded as Truth is pegged to be? I feel violated having watched this. Final Rating: -* We get footage of Dolph Ziggler getting hit in the throat by Rusev last week, and Cole tells us he is out indefinitely with a “bruiser trachea”. Ooh! John Cena Open Challenge Rusev answers the challenge, which is a shame. Rusev has easily been Cena’s worst opponent of the year. “Big Match John” has been on a roll in 2015, and the quality of his matches has been off the charts, but his feud with Rusev was pretty bad. Also, having Rusev lose in his Raw return match is totally counter-productive. Kevin Owens comes out to try and put a stop to it, because as he has said many times, only he is taking the US Title from Cena. Rusev isn't happy, and the two would-be challengers engage in a slanging match. Cesaro heads out to make his claim to the shot, and the three contenders engage in a skirmish. Cena watches on, bemused by it all. Turns out we are not having a US Title match yet, as first we are having a three way to decide who gets the match. Rusev vs. Kevin Owens vs. Cesaro The winner gets Cena later on, which isn't really fair is it? All three are supposedly heels, but Cesaro is the clear fan favourite, and Owens is popular amongst most in the audience. All three men have interesting move sets, and there are some creative spots such as Owens hitting a Codebreaker on Cesaro and landing a senton on Rusev at the same time, but the crowd is surprisingly quiet. Byron Saxton theorises that Rusev’s downward spiral started with his defeat to Cena at WrestleMania, and isn't that the truth. A tower of doom spot finally wakes the crowd up, and suddenly they decide the match is awesome. That chant is annoying and cringe-worthy. It means nothing. This is a good match, but at this stage it is far from awesome. A triple German suplex spot with Cesaro as the thrower nearly changes my mind though, especially given the size of those involved. Very impressive. Cesaro continues to shine, taking out both with a corkscrew plancha, but Owens prevents the giant swing on Rusev with a superkick. Owens hits a moonsault onto Rusev’s face, then gets shitcanned by Cesaro. Rusev goes for the Accolade, but Owens takes him out with a superkick too. Rusev fights out of an Owens powerbomb attempt with an Alabama Slam and locks on the Accolade, but Cesaro stops it and hits an impressive stalling suplex on the massive Bulgarian. Owens makes the mistake of running his mouth and slapping both guys, so they team up to give him a shoeing. Owens decides to take a walk and wait until Sunday, which makes him look like a bit of a fanny. We are left with a straight singles between Cesaro and Rusev, who are obviously working a chinlock after we return from commercial. It’s the law. Rusev hits a suplex from the outside to the apron, which looks dangerous. Rusev is blowing. In a remarkable and surprising moment of competent refereeing, there is no count out because technically it is still a triple threat match, and there are no count outs. Back inside, Rusev counters a superplex with a facebuster, but Cesaro avoids a splash from the top and locks in the crossface. Rusev escapes using power and hits a urinage for a near fall. Rusev is too strong for the Sharpshooter and escapes, hitting a big spinning kick and a flip senton, but Cesaro breaks the Accolade and manages the giant swing. Sharpshooter applied, but Rusev makes the ropes. Taking advantage of the rules, Rusev crawls to the outside, though that doesn't stop Cesaro, who hits a tope and an uppercut. Rusev comes straight back by throwing him off the ropes, then hits a superkick to the neck for the win. I don't agree with the booking, because it is the worst possible Cena match up, but Rusev certainly earned his shot. When the crowd were chanting that the match was awesome, it wasn't, but it was certainly getting there by the end. Helluva wrestling match. Final Rating: **** WWF United States Championship John Cena (c) vs. Rusev Now, all this does is make Cena look like an utter bastard. Rusev has just come through a tour de force, now he is against a fresh John Cena. It makes Rusev look like the babyface. Cena is kind to him, putting on a headlock to let the knackered Rusev get his breath back. It doesn't make for enthralling viewing. Cena is too casual and gets caught in the Accolade, which is pretty much Rusev’s only spot so far. Cena tries to power out, but gets locked in the hold again. Then comes the expected non-finish when Owens runs in and kicks Rusev in the head. Once again, that is the problem with announcing Cena’s PPV title defences in advance. It means he either wins or we get a non-finish like this. The match lived down to the low standards set by previous Cena-Rusev bouts, though it was short. Final Rating: ½* Promo Time: Lita Zuh? Yes, Lita. Apparently she is a coach on Tough Enough. I wouldn't know, because like everyone else, I don't watch the show. Lita is looking pretty damn fine for a forty year old. She gives us the names of everyone on the show’s cast, they all wave, and that’s it! Michael Cole calls Tough Enough “hard-hitting reality”, just when you thought his credibility couldn't sink any lower after all these years. What a waste of time. Lita should have been involved in the women’s segment earlier. She would have been a better choice than Stephanie to bring out the NXT girls. We get a backstage promo from the returning Stardust, with Neville the target. I was hoping WWE might drop the gimmick in light of Dusty Rhodes’ death and have him go back to being Cody Rhodes, but no such luck. The pop his appearance gets suggests that might have been the right thing to do. This is the usual oddball Stardust promo, but he appears to have made a few adjustments to the character, including a new catchphrase (“embrace the strange”), and it was less annoying than usual. The Stardust-Neville match is next, and to promote it WWF have two fantastic cartoon renderings of the pair in place of the usual photos they use. They should use these every single time. Neville vs. Stardust Stardust is wearing silver, blue, and black, which is his best attire yet. Neville goes for a handshake, but Stardust is not interested and kicks his ass. The match is utterly heatless, because the crowd don't want to boo Cody at all. I couldn't understand them keeping the Stardust gimmick if it was over before, but it never was. The match is worthless, with Stardust scoring the win with a tights-assisted roll up. Neville has reached his WWE glass ceiling already. Final Rating: ½* Main Event Contract Signing: Seth Rollins and Brock Lesnar Seth is not scared of Brock Lesnar anymore. Apparently. Well, that’s a 180 without any reasonable explanation. If anything, he should be more fearful of Lesnar than ever. Seth and Brock pull up a pew at the signing table, where the former sneers and the latter has a good chuckle. Heyman promises that Seth will get his ass kicked at Battleground, which he will, though I don't think he will lose the title. He should of course, absolutely, because he has been a terrible WWF Champion. But the way he has been booked in recent weeks suggests to me that he will be going over. It’s the WWE way! Heyman is suspicious of Seth, and is proven right when Lesnar flips the table and reveals what he has been hiding: a bat. Seth shits himself at being caught, but Lesnar couldn't care less, placing the bat on the table for Seth to take, and sitting back down. Seth becomes confident again and wields the weapon, but gets a table thrown in his face for his troubles. They have a brawl, and for a moment Seth and Kane are on top, but not for long. Lesnar ends up ramming Seth into the barricade and wiping out Kane with an F5. Seth runs away again - so much for not being scared - so Lesnar tries to break Kane’s ankle with the steel steps. When Lesnar leaves, Rollins returns to the ring and starts growling that he will beat Brock, which is tough talk from a man who was legging it only two minutes earlier. After saying he is going to cut Lesnar in half at Battleground (!), Rollins turns on Kane and starts ragging on him. He blames him for tonight going wrong, then stamps on his destroyed ankle. Odd ending. Is Kane going face? Are they feuding now? I guess the point is that Seth will be alone against Brock at the PPV. Again, overall Lesnar is booked far stronger than his opponent, which as noted usually means defeat at the pay-per-view. Anything other than a Lesnar win at Battleground will be an unmitigated disaster though. It would undo two years of great work building him as WWE’s biggest, and hottest star. THE RAW RECAP: Most Entertaining: Cesaro. For the fourth straight week, Cesaro dragged the show out of the doldrums with an excellent performance between the ropes. What a wrestler. Least Entertaining: R-Truth. He is a contender for worst gimmick of all time. Watching him makes me question whether I want to remain a wrestling fan, and certainly makes me think twice about watching when anyone else is around. Quote of the Night: “Tough Enough is hard-hitting reality.” - Michael Cole. Match of the Night: Cesaro vs. Kevin Owens vs. Rusev Summary: Much like last week, Raw was a snoozefest other than two memorable segments. The first was the arrival of NXT’s three finest female workers Charlotte, Sasha Banks and Becky Lynch, which could be a sign that WWE is finally taking it’s women wrestlers seriously, though I remain sceptical. WWE has never treated its female performers right, and I can see this being a fad that ultimately hurts NXT more than it helps WWE. The second was Cesaro’s performance. Once again he proved that he is head and shoulders ahead of almost everyone else on the roster when it comes to actually wrestling, and it appears that WWE are finally realising that. Whether they will pull the trigger on him as a top guy remains to be seen, but for now he is the star of the show. Verdict: 45 It’s been one hell of a wrestling weekend with both the WWE Network special “Beast in the East” and New Japan’s PPV “Dominion” both bringing superb wrestling and storytelling. It’s always rewarding as a fan to get these moments after months of building up to them. It’s a reward for everything bad you have to sit through. Am I including several episodes of Raw in this? Yes, yes I am. Here comes another 3 hour presentation of the worst wrestling show in the world at the moment.
Video Control takes us to last week where Seth Rollins lavished gifts upon the Authority’s muscle for their help in him beating up Brock Lesnar the week before. We’re in Chicago, Illinois (I adore Chicago, it’s one of my favourite wrestling crowds). Hosts are Michael Cole, JBL and Byron Saxton. Cole and Saxton were particularly good on the Beast in the East show as they weren’t being produced as much as they are when they’re live. It gave them the chance to actually talk about wrestling. Who knew Cole actually knew stuff? Promo Time: Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar Heyman is a microphone master and puts over Lesnar huge here calling him a god of violent retribution, and promises this “sword will pierce Seth Rollins’ shield”. Heyman controls the crowd, riding the boos for mentioning the end of the streak, and recounts Brock’s victories. When it comes to Seth, Lesnar not only doesn’t respect Rollins he actively disrespects him. Uh oh, that’s fighting talk. Heyman recounts Seth’s acts of disrespect, cashing in at ‘Mania, pissing Brock off the night after and attacking Lesnar last week. “The beatings and the suplexes begin tonight” in this “cathedral of retribution”. Heyman is a wonderful orator, who bends the English language to serve his requirements. Heyman ends by telling us that Lesnar is going nowhere and awaits Seth Rollins tonight. The Big Show vs. Ryback I don’t get why they keep pairing up these guys, seeing as they’ve got a PPV match at Battleground. Surely you’d want interactions limited to tag matches and such. Another singles match benefits no one. To make matters worse The Miz is ringside and has the house microphone. “OOOOOOHHHHH, hit him one more time Big Show”. If we’re looking at positives, at least it isn’t Xavier Woods but Miz is one of the promotions most irritating individuals. Miz actively makes the match harder to watch, which is a skill. It might be a good match, I have no idea, as Miz is so distracting and the production is so awful that I can’t tell. Which is what I really loved about Beast in the East, as it eased up on the Kevin Dunn nonsense and the terrible camerawork and just presented a wrestling show from a wrestling venue, where you could see stuff. It was brilliant. Compared to that, this is borderline unwatchable. The cuts come at the worst possible time, taking us out of the action and switching angles to make it more “interesting”. Miz runs in for the DQ to make it all irrelevant anyway. Turns out everyone hates Miz so he gets double laid out and Ryback stands tall as we finish this segment. Final Rating: * Video Control catches up with J&J who are driving around in the Cadillac that Seth Rollins gave them. Their visit to Wrigley Field is a disappointment because it’s a dump. Brie Bella vs. Paige At least it’s not Nikki vs. Paige again but this series of Bella vs. Paige matches is never-ending. If they pull Twin Magic with Alicia Fox, I’m refusing to cover divas matches anymore. There’s not much to talk about in this one as Paige faces off against a numbers game and eventually falls afoul of it, courtesy of an X-Factor. The Bella group take her out with finishers after the match to stand tall. Paige needs pals. Final Rating: ½* Roman Reigns vs. Sheamus They booked this on my last Raw show too, with neither guy able to job (Roman because he’s a top tier wrestler and Sheamus because he’s Money in the Bank). While it was a decent match it went to an inevitable non-finish involving Bray Wyatt. Much like two weeks ago it’s a solid physical contest and both wrestlers are fairly evenly matched in terms of size and athleticism. I can see why they keep trying to showcase the match. Chicago is probably not the best place for theatrical babyface stuff like the Superman Punch and rather predictably the crowd hate Roman for even attempting it. Luckily Sheamus counters it into a backbreaker so the crowd can get their jollies. When Roman does eventually punch Sheamus in the face it’s as a counter, not a theatrical spot. So that works too. Bray Wyatt interrupts, with Roman punching out a fake, and Reigns gets counted out…again. Like last time this was quite good, even though the match was in a holding pattern, waiting for Bray’s interruption. While Sheamus is celebrating out comes Randy Orton for a fight. That’s a match (Orton vs. Sheamus) that I never want to see, ever again. Final Rating: **1/2 Video Control takes us backstage where Triple H has a chat with the champ, Seth Rollins. The champ thinks he’s got “Battleground in the bag” so Hunter tells him to avoid Lesnar this evening or do something totally unexpected. From that Rollins decides to call out Brock Lesnar because nobody would ever expect it. That makes no sense! Not sure that was good advice from the Tripper. Promo Time: Rusev He calls Summer “calm and submissive”, which is how he likes it. If they start re-enacting Fifty Shades of Grey, I walk. Rusev is a bit angry about the way the fans have accepted Lana. Rusev’s grasp of the English language comes across as tenuous here despite his vocabulary. “Don’t waste your precious words hot Summer”. With the segment going nowhere Dolph Ziggler, wearing the ‘interesting’ fashion choice of a blazer and a t-shirt, comes out here with Lana. Dolph makes out with Lana, which rather predictably pisses off the Bulgarian Brute and Rusev destroys him with crutch shots. That’s what you get for not signing a new contract Dolph! Bo Dallas vs. Dean Ambrose Crowd is really hot for Ambrose and he reciprocates by demolishing jobber Bo in short order. Dirty Deeds finishes. Glad to see Dean’s main event run hasn’t diminished his popularity. The way he was booked was not terrible during that run but the way he eventually lost to Seth Rollins was quite weak. It seems the build is what people are remembering, which is good news for Ambrose. Final Rating: SQUASH R-Truth vs. King Barrett R-Truth has taken to dressing up like a King of the Ring to wind Barrett up. Truth is both a jobber and a joke by this point, might as well use him. The great thing about Truth is he’s completely job-proof. He could never win again and he’d still be the same guy. In fact him being a loser makes him more popular as he can get near falls on the likes of Barrett but Cole sums it up when he says “how embarrassing would it be for Barrett to lose”. That’s how much of a scrub Truth is but Cole shouldn’t say that, ever. It shouldn’t be embarrassing for one wrestler to lose to another. There should be a creative reason for why the loss takes place but it should never be embarrassing. Focus on the victory, not the defeat. That’s why Barry Horowitz never got over. They just focused on Skip losing. Truth gets a few chances to win but gets knocked out with the Bull Hammer and that finishes this brief rivalry over the King title. One that Truth had no claim on anyway. Final Rating: *3/4 Seth Rollins Calls out the Beast The Cadillac that J&J have is going to get destroyed. In my head I see Brock giving the car an F5. That’s how my brain works. Just jacking that car onto his shoulders and introducing it to Suplex City. Seth’s rambling promos are increasingly like Triple H’s when he was on top. Which is a bad thing. He’s the go-to guy to kill twenty minutes with talking and I was sick of it a long, long time ago. There are few people who can be interesting, especially when gloating, on a week to week basis. Paul Heyman can do it. Seth Rollins cannot. He does punctuate this with a great line about how he thinks Lesnar is “Paul Heyman’s bitch”. Seth and his cronies are all armed with bats so Brock decides to take it out on the Cadillac instead. Why would you even bring that car out here? When Joey goes to make the save, on his car, Brock introduces Mercury to Suplex City. Seth, plan having gone somewhat awry, legs it. The New Day vs. The Lucha Dragons Tag champs the Prime Time Players join commentary, eyeballing potential contenders. Kalisto has some timing issues with both Big E and Kofi. He’s sensational when he’s on form but Kalisto has some ghastly mistakes in the locker. That’s the risk of high risk. I can’t decide if Xavier Woods is the best heel in the WWE, outside of Kevin Owens, or the most irritating non-wrestler since Shane McMahon. He grates at my nerves. Titus O’Neil’s burial of JBL and taking over on the colour commentary is magnificent. He just dismantles JBL and won’t let him back into the argument. It’s a thing of beauty. Admittedly Titus doesn’t have anyone barking orders into his ear but he’s “rough, tough and entertaining”. Both the Dragons crash and burn attempting dives and the numbers game allows double teaming New Day to score the win. Some of the early going was bumpy with Kalisto attempting difficult moves but they got on the same page as the match went on and it was ok. The show was stolen by Titus O’Neil though. He was outstanding on commentary. 2015 has been a big year for him. Final Rating: ** Video Control stops off to shill WWE2K16 for those who enjoy such things. We follow that with footage of Finn Balor winning the NXT belt from Kevin Owens in Japan this past weekend. Great match. John Cena US Championship Open Challenge Cena is out here for the main event and, wait just a doggone minute, with 30 minutes left on the show? Surely they won’t give the main event 30 minutes? Cena puts over Chicago as being a raucous crowd. Ain’t that the truth! Kevin Owens answers the challenge but calls this “the worst part of Raw” and Cena’s promos “the usual garbage”. It seems as if Owens is taking Cena on for the strap, which is odd because he’s due a title shot at Battleground. Cesaro interrupts him, blaming Owens for his failure to tap Cena out on Raw last week. Owens totally backs down and leaves Cesaro to the challenge. This whole piece of business was unusual. Not sure what to make of it. WWE United States Championship John Cena (c) vs. Cesaro Vince McMahon seems to think that Cesaro doesn’t connect with the crowd but he’s surely aware that Cesaro is an outstanding professional wrestler. I’m sure he felt the same way about a dozen top workers over the years. The great thing about Cena’s US title run has been his willingness to put over people. Not by losing to them but by allowing them to dominate him. Cesaro does so with an assortment of fun power moves and sublime counters. Cesaro’s freakish strength isn’t just doing planned moves like the squatting, stalling suplex but also moves where he just catches Cena and manhandles him out of the air. It’s astonishing. Cena is his usual persistent self. The double Five Knuckle Shuffle bit is cute, with Cena showing the kind of cockiness he’s not demonstrated as a face for many years, only for Cesaro to counter him down into a crossface. The storytelling from both men is exemplary. We’ve seen a lot of Cena’s moves countered over the years but Cesaro is flawless in the way he picks holes in Cena, logically, as a worker. The little pauses, the theatre, the pandering to the crowd. Cesaro uses all of this to his favour. Cena has found out new ways to use his body weight too and he breaks out a DDT to escape a Giant Swing, working around the mechanics of the move with sheer power. Honestly, both these guys are operating at a level far above the usual Raw card. Why can’t more matches get showcase time like this? Cena deserves as much praise as all his opponents during 2015 because he’s not just been determined to be a fighting champion, because that’s nothing new, but he’s been determined to learn new tricks to hang with the next generation. He’s not going to be out-performed, damn it! There are so many great spots where Cesaro breaks out a fantastic counter or Cena does that listing them all off would be pointless. The only bad thing about the match is this nagging irritation that they have this stacked roster and could put on matches like this every week…so why are they so sparse? I understand that great matches would be less special if they happened all the time but NJPW putting on ****+ matches on every show doesn’t dilute the ***** belters when they do happen. It just makes the shows more palatable. What is really cool about this match is the lack of reliance on finishers that tends to be the WWE’s go to during big matches. But also the sheer number of times where Cena looks absolutely boned, totally outclassed by wrestling holds. Whether it’s the Giant Swing, the Sharpshooter or the Crossface. Cesaro outwrestles Cena, over and over again. Cesaro even gets to power out of the STFU into a dead weight suplex. It’s amazing and showcases what a special and unique talent Cesaro is. Cena blots his copybook by botching the Springboard Stunner but the way it counters into Cesaro’s Neutralizer tells the story of Cena overreaching. Even the mistakes make sense. What’s really, really phenomenal about this match is how it keeps on going. They have moments that feel like finishes and it just keeps going. Part of the joy of watching mid 90s All Japan was how frequently they’d be able to tease a finish and over a period of 20 minutes or so. It’s exceptionally hard to do. Cena and Cesaro do it during this match. Cole calls the match “a classic” and he’s not wrong. It builds to the point where both men are tussling over a top rope spot and after a long fight up top Cena gets the Avalanche AA to retain. Say what you like about Cena, and indeed the Chi-Town natives hate him, but they’re still standing applauding at the end. Because John Cena might want your applause but that’s because, at times, he thoroughly deserves it. Tonight was one of those nights. I was thrilled to have watched it. Final Rating: ****1/2 THE RAW RECAP: Most Entertaining: John Cena Least Entertaining: Xavier Woods. The Miz. Randy Orton. Quote of the Night: “My client Brock Lesnar is the god of violent retribution” – Paul Heyman Match of the Night: John Cena vs. Cesaro Summary: What a weekend for wrestling! Great special event in Tokyo, a phenomenal PPV from New Japan (a contender for best PPV of the year, I’d wager) and a Raw that delivers one of the best Raw matches of this, or any other, year. A massive, awesome main event match compensates for any drab card and this was no exception. The undercard on Raw was completely forgettable but not without effort. Reigns-Sheamus, Barrett-Truth and the Dragons-New Day matches all contained enough effort to make the show feel worthwhile. The big segments, before the main, were dominated by Brock Lesnar just being Brock Lesnar and destroying things. The main event puts this one over the top. A wildly enthusiastic thumbs up! Verdict: 72 4th July 2015.
We’re in Tokyo, Japan at the Sumo Hall. Known in Japan as the Ryogoku Kokugikan. The building is one of the largest wrestling venues in Tokyo with the kind of capacity the WWE normally looks for. The only thing above this is the Tokyo Dome. Normally Japanese promotions run Korakuen Hall, a much smaller building that holds roughly 2,000. Sumo Hall is reserved for bigger events like the G1 Climax final. I love that this show has been built around Finn Balor’s triumphant return to Japan. I’m sure they were originally intending on booking the show around KENTA but Prince Devitt was a big deal in Japan. He sort of turned face just before he left too, leaving Bullet Club in the hands of AJ Styles. Hosts are Michael Cole and Byron Saxton. Chris Jericho vs. Neville Jericho had a cracking match with Finn Balor on this tour and he’s definitely a popular figure in Japan where he spent a lot of time touring (FMW, WAR, New Japan) before breaking America. Neville also made a breakthrough out here working for Dragon Gate (which Cole even mentions). Good move putting these guys on first because not only are they great wrestlers but also guys with Japan experience. It helps massively with your crowd reactions in Japan if you’ve been there before. Although WWE shows are a bit different and we get duelling chants, which isn’t normal. The great thing about Jericho is that he doesn’t need to wrestle. He just does it because he loves it, to make some shows special for the fans. Jericho looks a little sluggish, which you could forgive based on his age, but he’s good enough that Neville can helpfully get into positions for the big spots and it all works. Credit to Jericho for even attempting to wrestle the way he did when he was a lot younger and, for the most part, pulling it off. It’s a perfect choice for the opening match and Neville seems to be enjoying himself throughout, looking to outshine a genuine Hall of Famer. It’s certainly a unique match. As it progresses they even slip into a little strongstyle, which the fans are completely into. Jericho absolutely nails a Lionsault, which gets a big nostalgia pop. It’s sending a message to Neville that he too can fly. Jericho pulls out all his tricks with the Walls of Jericho coming up short and the Codebreaker catching Neville in mid-air in a great spot. Not sure why Jericho feels the need to delay a cover as it telegraphs a kick-out. Throughout the match Neville goes looking for the Red Arrow. After two failures a third one gets knees and Jericho finishes with the LIONTAMER. Not the Walls of Jericho, the high-angle, kneeling Boston crab. Fantastic opening match with bags of effort from Neville and a retro performance from Jericho. Final Rating: **** WWE Divas Championship Nikki Bella (c) vs. Paige vs. Tamina Naomi was originally billed in this match but is replaced by Tamina due to a family bereavement. Tamina is not an improvement. Cole, in an attempt to get over Japanese stuff, references Bull Nakano and pronounces her name wrong. Nice try, Maggle. Incidentally Cole & Saxton is a far better pairing without the irritating JBL channelling the company line. Saxton genuinely seems to know his stuff. Tamina takes at least one badly botched bump, which is about average for her. She shouldn’t be taking bumps she’s not comfortable with and as a big lass should be more dominating. The crowd are quiet compared to the opener but enjoy Tamina executing a rugmunch bomb on Nikki, doing a superplex on Paige simultaneously. There’s certainly hard work from all the ladies and Nikki has shown some improvement recently but that’s only because she absolutely sucked before. Tamina gets some serious heat for breaking up the PTO. No matter the country the support is generally with Paige. At least until Sasha Banks gets called up. Nikki ends up flooring Tamina with an elbow combo to retain. Ok for a diva’s match. Final Rating: *3/4 Kofi Kingston vs. Brock Lesnar There’s a meme going around Twitter with this match announcement and an RIP Kofi tribute attached to it. He is going to die. Kofi tries to extend the match time by stalling. Just take your medicine, Kingston. Lesnar completely no sells everything Kofi does as the crowd “YAY” along with every Brock strike and throw. The suplexes are deadweight and it looks like Brock is filing paperwork. F5 finishes in a few minutes but it was never a contest. Kofi had himself an invitation to Suplex City. Brock throws Kingston around after the match just to emphasise his dominance. To my boundless joy the rest of New Day run in and get massacred too. Final Rating: SQUASH! NXT Championship Kevin Owens (c) vs. Finn Balor They have the full big match atmosphere here with ladies presenting flowers to the participants. Owens throws his away in a tremendous show of disrespect. STREAMERS FOR BALOR!! Awesome. That’s so cool. Balor is on fire from the bell as the crowd launch into an “NXT” chant. This isn’t surreal though Michael, this is hard work that’s produced results. Triple H must be proud. Given both men’s combined skills it’s an excellent contest. Owens is the best natural heel in the world. Balor’s explosive offence fills in for the John Cena role and they just go ahead and have that match again (albeit minus the finisher theft and countering). Which is fine because that Owens-Cena match was brilliant. Incidentally, Michael Cole is actually quite good on commentary when he’s not got someone barking in his ear. He still has stupid ticks (“for the win”) but he’s much better and Saxton is too. Owens brings a standard grating offence, which on a less charismatic man would be quite dull but it’s HOW he does it. “You’re not impressed. I don’t care. I hate this stupid country and everyone in it” – Owens. As the match continues they draw the crowd in and it starts to get noisy with the fans backing Balor. Slingblade gets a tasty pop as a tip of the hat to Tanahashi. Coup de Grace…gets 2. It didn’t feel like a finish because of the tame set up for it. The set up was a high kick. That was it. When Owens hits a Rolling Senton off the top, that feels like a finish but Balor kicks out, keeping the fairy tale alive. BLOODY SUNDAY from Balor! His New Japan finish and that gets a near fall. I was wondering if he’d use that, because we’re in Japan, and he did. It’s a nice tip of the hat to his previous life. The WWE fans wouldn’t get it but it wasn’t for them. Balor does a great flip over to escape the Pop Up Powerbomb. As if he’d done his home work and was ready for Owens’ best. This time a couple of low dropkicks set up the Coup de Grace and Balor takes the NXT title! The match had a tremendous slow burn build up and the right man won. This pretty much confirms Owens departure from NXT in record time. I’m sure everyone was happy with how this came off, apart from a slightly miserable looking Hideo Itami who knows it could have been him. Tatsumi Fujinami strolls out here to show Finn some legendary love. The match was good but the intangibles put it over the top into great territory; the streamers, the tradition, the crowd, even the commentary. Final Rating: ****1/4 King Barrett & Kane vs. John Cena & Dolph Ziggler Cole’s suggestion that they should “get rid of JBL” on Raw is a little close to the bone. Cole & Saxton have gotten better as the show has progressed. Wallowing in their creative freedom. If only they could keep Vince McMahon out of the announcers ears on a regular basis. Ziggler tries to take this opportunity to showcase that he’s capable of stealing shows with big matches on them. When he’s in there, it’s almost a worthwhile match. The rest of the time it’s just a plodding non-event. Cole gets so bored watching that he starts listing Japanese wrestlers who’ve wrestled in the WWE and Saxton bites by listing the WWE superstars who’ve wrestled in Japan. New Coach’s claim that Shawn Michaels worked there is a bit tenuous seeing as that was only in WWF co-promoted shows with SWS. Now they’ve got me doing it! Cena takes a lot of heat, which is less interesting than the big bumping Dolph taking heat. Mostly at Kane’s hands. I don’t get criticism of Kane deteriorating. He’s not deteriorated, he’s never been any good, now he’s just old. Plus as a heel he’s never been even remotely interesting since his first run in 1997. Hot tag to Ziggler, he gets in a couple of spots and they work heat on him too. I was right about Ziggler being more entertaining taking heat and in particular when he takes a massive powerbomb off Kane. The match is way too long though and feels like a bonus dark match that they stick on Raw and Smackdown tapings. It’s a house show main, on the B circuit. For anyone who’s seen these ponderous events this is nothing new and it’s a reminder of some of the worst half-assed attempts at wrestling in the history of the promotion. In that respect it is pretty Old School. At the end Ziggler hot tags Cena and the AA finishes. Thank God. Final Rating: ½* Summary: The show was all kinds of great until the main event rolled out and rolled on, and on, and on, and on, and on. If they had a lot of spare time could they not have showed one of the undercard matches somewhere? Obviously Balor-Owens will get all the plaudits and recognition for a well-executed, well-built title switch. The big surprise for me was how great Neville-Jericho was. Jericho turned back the clock in that match and made me wish the WWE had televised the Balor match too. Maybe as a bonus…instead of the main event? Anyway, main event aside, this show delivered on any promises the WWE made about Beast in the East. I’d love to see more house shows with odd match up’s thrown on TV. I know it was sold on the big NXT match but that’s why the IC title and US title should mean more. You could book events around big title defences, the same way NJPW does. Anyway, thumbs up. More two hour shows. Verdict: 83 Last week’s episode of Raw may as well have been subtitled “All Apologies”, as that was the running theme of the show. The two main eventers at Battleground were both at it, with Brock Lesnar having to suck up to Michael Cole, and WWE Champion Seth Rollins practically begging his pint-sized security team and his Authority nemesis Kane to be best buds with him again, because he is so scared of Brock. At least it ended well for the latter, when he and his new/old allies left Brock beaten in the middle of the ring following a four-on-one assault. Given that two of those are less than half his size, and one of them is Kane, I felt it was a bad idea. While having a babyface show vulnerability is fine, Brock Lesnar is an exception to every rule. People don't want to see Brock Lesnar being treated like everyone else.
Promo Time: Seth Rollins Seth is with his cronies and he brags about last week’s actions, which he seems to think means he has now “conquered the conqueror”. Hardly. Rollins says Brock won’t be here tonight, because he is... on a plane to Japan. Oh no, he is not out injured, or sat at home convalescing after last week’s assault, but on an eighteen hour flight. Well, that sure showed him? Seth brown noses his buddies and gives them some new Apple watches as a thank you, which they proudly show off in the most blatant and nauseating moment of product placement I have ever seen on a wrestling show. They are like kids at Christmas. Seth continues to spout bullshit, claiming last week’s Brock attack was the most epic in WWE history. He is delusional. Seth turns to Kane (“the glue who has held the WWE together”, apparently) and reminds us that he debuted in 1997, as if we need reminding that he has been around for eighteen years. After a brief history lesson about the state of the world in ’97, Seth gives Kane a present: a vacation in Hawaii. Cue Hawaiian lap slide guitar strains filling the airwaves, and a trio of lei-clad extras wandering to the ring. This is horrible. It also makes no sense, because why on earth would Rollins want Kane away on vacation when he is desperate to have him by his side in case Brock Lesnar turns up? Things get worse when Seth gives Joey and Jamie a brand new Cadillac, and the pair celebrate like they have just won the lottery. What the fuck is this, really? It’s the worst game show in history. Even Michael Cole seems appalled by it. I used to enjoy Seth Rollins, but of late I have dreaded the sight of him on this show. He has become irritating, but not in a heel way, more in a Miz way. He remains a great wrestler, but his goofy Cyril Sneer interviews are dire. The Big Show vs. Mark Henry And as if that wasn't bad enough, The Miz is on commentary. What is wrong with Vince McMahon? Surely after over thirty years of pitting fat guys against each other in always horrible matches, he has had his fill with this particular fetish. What is the appeal? At least it is short, because Show punches Henry in the mouth with his WMD punch after a minute or so to end the pain. Ryback charges down for a fight, and Miz is unbearable with his giddy shouting. He jumps in and gives Ryback a kick to the face, causing Ryback to call him out for a fight right now. Apparently they are already set to wrestle each other later on anyway, so can’t he just wait? Actually, why are they wrestling later? They are in a pay-per-view match together in mere weeks. Oh yeah, creative bankruptcy. I forgot. Final Rating: DUD Ryback vs. The Miz I guess Ryback cannot wait. The only interesting thing about this match is that they were both on the same series of Tough Enough together - though neither won - and I am amazed that the announcers don't mention that what with the new series of the show having debuted last week. They have little chemistry, though Ryback does delight me by doing a stalling vertical suplex and holding Miz up in the air for a good minute. It’s the sort of spot that would get a huge response on Indy shows and NXT, but this audience barely respond. Miz comes back with pouty-faced aggression, which is comical to observe because Miz is such a total geek. Miz uses kicks to the face to try and keep Ryback down, making me question why they are allowed, when the curb stomp is banned due to the ongoing farcical concussion class action lawsuit against WWE. When Miz fails to make any headway he decides to leave and get counted out, which renders this whole exercise completely worthless. This gets points only for the sweet suplex spot. Final Rating: ½* Paige vs. Alicia Fox As if this show hadn't been bad enough, now we have to endure the presence of the Bellas. Alicia Fox is now an honorary Bella, clad in the same attire as the twins and everything. If they try and do twin magic with Alicia I will hurl my shoe through the television. The only positive I can gleam from this situation is that at least it means fresh(er) matches, because frankly I don't think I can take another bout pitting Paige against the Bellas. The feud has been rumbling on for the entire year! This match is every lame Divas match on Raw, boring, heatless and full of crappy execution. Alicia’s attempts at putting on a chinlock is so inept that it’s funny. The match goes on forever, with Alicia running out of moves so sitting in a chinlock for a few minutes while she tries to come up with something. You can see the cogs ticking in her head. After an Alicia near fall which the crowd half respond to, Alicia struts around looking lost, so Paige loudly calls a back elbow to her. Back to the chinlock after that as my will to live begins to dissipate. Things finally become watchable when Paige takes over on offence with a flurry of dropkicks, then we get the novelty of the reverse distraction finish! It comes when fat Bella jumps on the apron and Alicia rolls Paige up, but Paige switches and steals a win. Michael Cole thinks it is an emotional night for Paige because of that win. Final Rating: DUD Byron Saxton calls tonight’s main event of Dean Ambrose & Roman Reigns vs. Kane & Seth Rollins a “battle for the ages”. He is developing nicely into a Cole-esque WWE automaton. WWE United States Championship John Cena (c) vs. Kevin Owens “You know what, on second thought, I think I will just wait for Battleground” - Owens. Well, thank you very much for wasting my time and getting my hopes up that we could see a good match, or indeed a good anything tonight. WWE United States Championship John Cena (c) vs. Cesaro Thankfully, Owens’ replacement is equally entertaining, and capable of having a great match with John Cena. It is nice to see Cesaro again, who was starting to get over once more in his team with Tyson Kidd, before Kidd suffered a freak neck injury in a dark match at the hands of Samoa Joe. I feared the worst for Cesaro, who hadn't been on television (Superstars doesn't count) since. Of course, the chances of him winning tonight are less than nil, because Cena’s Battleground opponent is already announced, and sat right out there. Cena’s U.S. Title invitational challenge gimmick would be more effective if his opponents weren’t announced going into the pay-per-view. It is not like it would have the buyrate/Network subscription count. I get why they have announced it this time, I am really more talking about the future. To the match then, which builds slowly, but explodes into life once it gets going. Owens pleases me by chastising Cole for talking over the match, which Cole responds to by asking a question unrelated to what is going on in the ring. The little cretin can’t help himself. In a Raw first, we rejoin the match after commercial and no one is sat in a chinlock! Cena goes for You Can’t See Me to boos, but Cesaro pops up and takes him out with a clothesline, giving Cole chance to use his special title match verbal tick “for the championship”. Cesaro goes for the giant swing but instead hits a slingshot, only for Cena to land on the middle rope and go straight into his wacky stunner. Helluva spot. Cena goes for the AA but Cesaro flips out and pops Cena high in the air for a super elevation European uppercut, which is something else. How can Vince not like this guy? He is awesome. Cena comes back with the STF, but Cesaro bites out of it and counters into his partner’s Sharpshooter, which is a great tribute. Finally the announcers and the crowd are both fully invested, and the match starts building to an incredible climax. Cesaro shows off his incredible strength with his freakish top rope suplex from the apron, but Cena fires back with a tornado DDT for two. Cole gets so excited that he throws all of his idioms in there, “for the win”, “big match feel”, and such. He is in his element. The two grapplers engage in a slugfest, then Cesaro channels early Kofi Kingston with a wild gimmick in the ropes, which he follows with a boot to Cena’s mush. A top rope crossbody is rolled through by Cena into a bizarre uranage face buster that I have never seen him hit before, which gets two. The crowd is going nuts now, and rightly so. Cena sells Cesaro’s awesomeness by sitting in shock, as Owens leaves his chair and starts mouthing at Cole for disrespecting him. Cena is distracted up top and gets dropkicked to the floor by Cesaro, then drilled with another uppercut. Meanwhile, Owens warns Cole not to disrespect him anymore, and Cole is all apologies. Well obviously, that is the theme around here at the moment. They two combatants go back-and-forth again, then Cena comes over all Amazing Red and hits the Kode Red for a close near fall. He goes for the AA again but gets countered into the Neutraliser for another heart-stopping close two count. Cesaro goes nuts with uppercuts, flips Cena the bird, then hits a few more. He finally hits the giant swing, but the spastic camera work ruins it by zooming in and out repeatedly, losing all feel of the move. Cesaro locks on the Sharpshooter again centre ring, but Cena never gives up so that won’t get the job done. Then, to the despair of all watching, Owens runs in and batters Cesaro from behind before drilling him with the pop up powerbomb. Owens takes out Cena too, just for good measure, then reminds everyone that he said the only person who would take the title from Cena is him. I hope this means Owens is going over Cena and then working a program with Cesaro, because that would be gold. Really flat, disappointing ending aside, this was one of the best matches on Raw in years. They just saved the show with this television classic. Kudos to John Cena, who is on the best run of his career for match quality, for giving up so much of the match to Cesaro and allowing him to do his thing. Surely now the folks in upper management will start viewing Cesaro as a genuine top guy. As far as I am concerned, he just grabbed one of Vince’s mythical brass rings. Final Rating: ****1/2 After seeing footage from last week’s Seth and friends assault on Brock Lesnar again, we go to a Bray Wyatt promo. He says something about always wanting to be his father’s favourite but getting thrown out like a piece of trash, which doesn't really work for me because I know his dad is I.R.S. and his brother is Bo Dallas. How could he not be the favourite? Nobody likes Bo Dallas, not even his own dad. More rambling nonsense here from the master of the drawn out promo. His one-trick act is becoming stale. The Lucha Dragons & The Prime Time Plays vs. Bo Dallas & The New Day Bo’s appearance here is simply an excuse to show footage from a house show in Boston this past weekend featuring an unannounced surprise appearance from The Rock, who gave Dallas a pasting. I have no clue what WWE were thinking putting a scrub like Bo anywhere near an icon like Rocky, but then, explaining almost anything they do is a headache. Kalisto is like a whippet as he flies around the ring and dominates Woods, and Sin Cara looks good too. Sadly, Bo Dallas finds his way into the ring and my enthusiasm fast turns to ennui. I despise him. Everything about him annoys me, from his man-child face, to his bitchy-voiced selling, to his useless gimmick. He is the shits. Darren Young baffles me by locking Bo in a chinlock and pulling his hair, like a heel. There is no need to use rest holds when there are eight guys on there to split the work. The babyfaces control the match, with Dallas playing face in peril. It’s very odd structure. After commercial, the New Day and Dallas are in control, and Woods has a chinlock applied. I told you the Cesaro-Cena match was an anomaly in that respect. We go right to the hot tag and some flying around from Sin Cara, then Darren Young uses the Andre the Giant butt splash on Big E., which he has already used twice tonight on Dallas. He needs some new moves. Biggie sends Young into the buckles where he goes up and over to the outside in a wild bump, and Dallas clotheslines him for good measure. Back inside, all of the heels stomp a mudhole on Young in the corner, and it is all legal because they keep tagging before the ref reaches his five count. Good spot, actually. Looks like we are into a second heat here, or a third if you count the beating Dallas took. It has been a long match, which probably wasn't the smartest idea after the epic twenty minute classic that preceded it. It would help if they weren’t all so chinlock happy, with Dallas being the latest perpetrator of the tiresome rest hold. Finally Titus gets in there and cleans house, then everything breaks down, as is tradition in multi man matches. Titus comes over all lucha and assists the Dragons in their dive, but nearly gets caught with a Kofi roll up for a close fall. Kofi comes at him off the top, but Titus catches a powerbomb for the win. Before this started I was expecting this would be a sub-five-minute affair, but it ended up going around fifteen minutes. It was okay, but fairly bland in places. They didn't have enough ideas to do a match of that length. Final Rating: **1/2 Dolph Ziggler and Lana “Go Public” I have no idea what this segment is all about. At least Lana is getting some real airtime again after weeks of being a wallflower observing from the stage. Both are full of giddy smiles, as Dolph reveals that at first Lana was using him to get back at Rusev, but the situation has changed. “I can’t believe Dolph Ziggler is saying this,” says Dolph. That’s what you get for stalling on your contract, pal. Lana says Rusev told her how to talk, dress and feel about America, but Dolph has changed her. They are more than just good friend, she reckons, but before she can say anymore, Rusev turns up. He brings the vapid, talentless Summer Rae with him, which makes me feel queasy. Summer Rae is the female equivalent of Bo Dallas. She is useless in every role she has even been in, and Rusev does not need an anchor like her weighing down his career. Rusev insults Lana so Dolph jumps in to defend her, threatening the still crocked Rusev that he will break his other leg if he doesn't back off. He does, then Summer gets hold of a mic! She reads her scripted lines without a hint of passion or believability, then slaps Lana across the face. Lana sells it with shock at first, then dives at her. To borrow a phrase from Joey Styles: “Catfight, catfight, catfight”. I pretty much hated everything about this. The romance storyline was bad, the presence of Summer Rae was concerning, the delivery of her promo was awful, and the prospect of a Summer Rae vs. Lana match has me deeply worried too. I hope I don't have to cover that one! Neville vs. Sheamus For some reason the crowd isn't feeling this, probably because they are burned out from the awesome Cena-Cesaro match, the overly-long bout that followed it and that crappy Dolph and Lana segment. Before commercial Neville looks the better of the two, because he is, flying around with his usual verve and energy. Sheamus decides to take a breather to gather his bearings as we go to commercial, and... Neville is fighting out of a chinlock when we return. The silence continues to be deafening, which should surely tell WWE that nobody cares are Sheamus, and they were wrong to give him the Money in the Bank briefcase. How Vince can get behind Sheamus but not be a fan of Cesaro is a mystery. Sheamus is boring, and the Washington crowd agree with that assessment and chant it at him. He responds with a chinlock, rather proving the point. Neville gets back into the match with a superkick out of the corner, but Sheamus pops up and hits three “Irish Curse” backbreakers. Another thing to dislike about Sheamus: the over-abundance of gimmick named moves he has. It is just a backbreaker, it is nothing special. Neville comes back again with a multitude of kicks, then lowbridges Sheamus to set up an Asai moonsault. Still, Washington refuses to give more than a customary polite response. Neville mounts enough offence to put Sheamus down for the Red Arrow, but Sheamus kicks the top rope and sends Neville crashing onto his head. Sheamus goes for the Brogue Kick but Neville avoids it and nearly wins with a posh roll up, only for Sheamus to kick out and connect with the kick on the second attempt for the win. Usually I am in favour of the guys they are pushing actually getting to win now and then (see the case of Barrett, Bad News) but this is not one of those occasions because Sheamus shouldn't be getting a push at all. He has had his chance, and nobody cared about him. Give Neville a chance with the top guys and see how he does, rather than recycling the tried and tested (and failed) over and over. Final Rating: **1/2 Jack Swagger vs. King Barrett I had honestly forgotten that Jack Swagger even worked here. I wonder who he pissed off to receive such a demotion. When the next round of future endeavours comes, he will likely be at the top of the list of cuts. The crowd couldn't care less about this and barely utter a murmur throughout the brief duration of the contest. Barrett wins it within a couple of minutes with the Bullhammer, finally scoring a much-needed victory. Final Rating: ¾* No Disqualification Match Dean Ambrose & Roman Reigns vs. Kane & Seth Rollins There are no disqualifications so all four men start in the ring, pairing off to brawl. Seth gets dumped so Reigns and Ambrose pick their shots on Kane, who seems to have forgotten how to sell. Rollins then dumps Ambrose off the top to the outside, and baits dumb babyface Reigns into chasing him, and naturally he walks into a trap in the form of a Kane big boot. After commercial, shock of all shocks, Reigns is stuck in a chinlock. Jeez Louise. All of a sudden, the rules are now adhered to, with Ambrose - the “lunatic fringe” no less - standing patiently on the apron waiting for a tag. Why doesn't he just come in the ring? Ambrose get the tag and cleans house, but the crowd are hardly enthusiastic. They have seen so much tonight, some of it great, much of it crap, that they want to go home. WWE need to get the message that three hours is far too long for a TV show. It is a detriment to their product in so many ways. Ambrose decides that the rules no longer matter again and brings a table into play, but J & J Security drag it away. Rollins hits a superkick, “for the win”, but Ambrose escapes. Reigns makes a miraculous recovery from whatever the hell he has been selling for the last five minutes, and Joey Mercury smacks him with a kendo stick. Reigns is not amused, no selling it then breaking the cane over Mercury’s back. Everyone gets Superman punches, but before the spear of death, Bray Wyatt appears from the ethers and does a number on the chosen one. It is all legal of course, and a harem of referees can do nothing about Wyatt smashing Reigns into the announce desk with a Rock Bottom. The table doesn't break, ruining the effect somewhat. Reigns is incapacitated, leaving Ambrose on his own. He puts up a fight, but a chokeslam followed by the Pedigree are too much for him. Following the match, Rollins has designs on putting Ambrose through a table, but Reigns saves his ass. The numbers are too much for him too, but he keeps fighting, long after anyone has stopped caring. It is one of the drabbest beat downs I can remember. It is only saved by Rollins powerbombing Reigns through the table, though again the reaction to that is mild at best. Good powerbomb, mind. It continues even longer after that, as I begin to suspect this show will never end, when Rollins hits the Pedigree. Finally, it is over... Only it isn't, because Bray Wyatt turns up again. Oh my god, just end the damn show! Please! Final Rating: *1/2 THE RAW RECAP: Most Entertaining: Cesaro and John Cena. It wouldn't be fair to give this award to only one of them. Both were absolutely tremendous tonight. Least Entertaining: Seth Rollins. Horrendous opening promo, dull main event, and an even worse post-match beat down. There were others who could have claimed this award (Alicia Fox, Michael Cole and Summer Rae spring to mind), but I expect all of them to be the shits. Rollins, I expect much better from. He has really regressed as an entertainer since winning the WWE Championship. Quote of the Night: “You are like a cold fish. When I was kissing you, it was like kissing that ring post over there” - Rusev seems to be talking from experience. Match of the Night: John Cena vs. Cesaro. As if there was any doubt. Summary: This was very much a one match show. The first hour was the worst I can remember in recent memory, and the last hour was a never ending chore, but sandwiched in the middle was a glorious MOTY contender between John Cena and Cesaro. Both guys put on a performance that will long be remembered, and their match sits right up there with the finest ever on Raw. John Cena is the wrestler of the half year. He has had by my count, at least four ****1/2+ matches already in 2015. That the overall show still scored so lowly despite featuring that classic television match sums up what an awful episode this was without it. Verdict: 34 We’re in Indianapolis, Indiana. Hosts are Michael Cole, JBL and Byron Saxton.
Promo Time: Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar Might as well get right into the meat of the situation; Brrrrrrrock Lesnar is back! He now hails from Suplex City, bitch. Heyman addresses the fact that Brock is back, despite being “suspended indefinitely”. So the deal for Brock to return included an apology for his actions on the Raw the night after Wrestlemania. The crowd heel all over Cole and JBL and start chanting “Suplex City” again. It’d be great if Brock apologised for giving Maggle the F5 and then gave him another one. JBL looks about ready to shit himself when Brock offers a handshake. If JBL looks scared it’s nothing on Cole who stutters and stumbles and apologises himself. Brock’s apology is to put Michael in a headlock and ruffle his hair. That is an apology by Lesnar’s standards! Heyman gives it a lung full to tell us that Seth is a spoiled, pampered child that Brock Lesnar is going to destroy. Kane vs. Dean Ambrose The first of many things that are wrong with the WWE; the continued insistence at putting big man veterans in long, repetitious TV matches. Does anyone really want to see Kane work an 11 minute match in 2015? I didn’t want to see it in 1997. Kane should be a special attraction guy who only ever works short matches or tags. At most he should be working three minutes on Raw against people who he can squash. Speaking of which; with Kane getting so much time on Raw where is the time for the up and comers? And another question; considering the three hour run-time of Raw, how come the same wrestlers are filling that time every single week? Given the WWE’s massive roster you’d think that fresh matches would be easy to come by. They don’t even have a good finish here where Seth Rollins just walks out for the distraction, with his music playing and everything, and Kane beats the distracted Ambrose with a chokeslam. It’s a match that helps no one and achieves nothing. Rollins is working Lesnar at Battleground. Kane should not be going over main eventers. Even if Ambrose lost his main events. Final Rating: *1/4 Video Control take us backstage where Seth sucks up to Kane. Would that be because he needs everyone in his corner when he faces Brock Lesnar? Kane sees through the ploy and walks off. Why did Seth bitch and moan about Kane over the past couple of months? Why create that dissention among people who run the company? It just makes them look like a bunch of kids. The Prime Time Players vs. The Ascension The WWE’s tag team division, ladies and gentlemen. I don’t see why they can’t build a division, seeing as they’ve got a massive number of wrestlers on the books. Make the tag titles mean something, like the US strap means something now John Cena has it. If Cena and a random guy were tag champs they could build something like that. It’d be a much better use of Kane if he was tagging with someone regularly. And I don’t mean the bloody Big Show. The tag division means nothing because everyone in it either doesn’t want to be there, or isn’t good enough to be a big singles star. That all said Titus O’Neil is growing on the History of Wrestling scribes. He’s rapidly becoming a favourite in the office. The Prime Time Players are a prime example of taking two singles guys and making them into a worthwhile team. I know I keep moaning about Cesaro being too good for the tag team division but that’s because I know they won’t give him any singles work while he’s stuck there. Just because you’re in a tag team, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be a top singles wrestler too. The tag team thing needs completely rebuilding from the ground up. Prime Time Players win here, over the useless Ascension, as well they should do. I’m glad to see the tag champs weren’t jobbed out in a non-title match. The IC title curse doesn’t seem to extend to them. At least at the moment. Final Rating: * Sheamus vs. Roman Reigns Sheamus is another example of things the WWE consistently do wrong. He’s getting pushed because he’s tall and muscular. He’s boring in the ring and has been in the company for too long without significant character change. What is Sheamus’ character? He’s a tall Irish man with big muscles and a ginger Mohawk. He’s one of dozens of WWE wrestlers that desperately need the Jim Ross sit-down interview treatment. Although, credit the WWE for something, that’s exactly what they’ve been doing with Finn Balor on NXT, giving him detailed historical video packages to round the man out. Now the fans know who he is. Not just what moves he does. Roman on the other hand has been nicely developed through interviews and video packages and I know who he is and I like him because of it. Without those interviews he’d just be another big powerhouse guy, like Sheamus, who I’ve got no investment in. The weird thing is I’ve seen Sheamus work since Irish Whip Wrestling back in 2005. I’ve watched him develop for ten years and the only thing that’s changed is his muscles. The weird thing is he’s got a colourful past. He used to be a bodyguard and worked with U2 (there’s a promo that writes itself; Mr Money in the Bank “still hasn’t found what he’s looking for”). He played Gaelic football and rugby. He’s a tough, manly man but is this, or any other aspect of his personality put across on TV? No. Increasingly Raw is just so dry that it’s hard to invest in anyone. The level of expectation on Raw to deliver an in-ring program is so great that we get the same thing every single week. I know it’s hard to write TV, especially when the WWE has way too much TV, but nobody is thinking outside the box. We’re so stuck in the box here that Schrödinger isn’t sure if we’re still alive. With all that said, this isn’t even a bad match as Roman is working hard at the moment, trying to rebuild his shattered reputation. One destroyed before Wrestlemania by Vince McMahon’s clumsy writing. Sheamus works over Roman’s back in punishing fashion. As the match continues my thought processes start to switch to the possible legitimising of Sheamus here. A win over an already ‘injured’ Reigns would do wonders for his reputation. The trouble Sheamus has got is that he’s been trading wins with people who are genuinely midcarders trapped under the glass ceiling. It makes his Money in the Bank win all the more curious. As if there’s a bigger plan that we’re not privy to just yet. Seeing as Reigns is in a feud with Bray Wyatt part of me spends the entire contest waiting for the inevitable Wyatt distraction finish. It’s a pity that hangs over the match as it becomes a solid contest. The inevitable distraction comes in the form of Bray Wyatt having a tea party with Roman Reigns’ daughter, or it’s implied anyway as she’s not shown on camera. It’s really creepy. Roman runs to the back and gets counted out. Final Rating: **3/4 Video Control follows Reigns to the back where Bray Wyatt has assembled a freaky little shrine to Roman Reigns and his family. It’s borderline psychotic. If Wyatt could back his character up in the ring he’d be one of the best characters in the company. He needs feuds though and the likes or Ryback don’t suit him. Reigns is potentially better. It’s been good so far. Elsewhere Seth Rollins attempts his second apology of the evening by sucking up to J&J Security. Neville vs. Kofi Kingston Xavier Woods continues to grate at me with his juvenile screaming at ringside, which are so loud they drown out the commentary. “I’m gonna call gravity Neville”. The story of the match is that New Day outnumber Neville three to one so the Prime Time Players come down to back Neville up. The referee gets sick of the match being all about numbers and throws everyone out, which makes you wonder why the referee’s ever let New Day come down in numbers. Neville takes Kofi out with the Red Arrow for the win. Final Rating: *1/2 King Barrett vs. Zack Ryder Cole is even scoring points off Barrett’s pathetic win/loss record comparing him to Dudley Moore’s Arthur when JBL compares the King to King Arthur. Given that’s it’s Cole I’m surprised he didn’t reference the Russell Brand version. The match is three minutes long and Barrett manages to hook a chinlock in it. And that’s why he’s not getting pushed. Speaking of which; Zack Ryder is still over and the WWE still don’t care. Is it because he got himself over? Isn’t that what Vince McMahon complained about? Nobody reaching that brass ring? Barrett finishes with the Bull Hammer. Final Rating: ½* Video Control gives us Michael Cole’s chat with Kevin Owens recorded this week on WWE.com. Now this is more like it. It gives Owens the chance to put himself over and get his personality across. He particularly gets upset with John Cena’s offered handshake at Money in the Bank. Promo Time: John Cena Michael Cole calls the Money in the Bank match between Cena and Owens a “match of the year candidate”. Are the WWE actually acknowledging things like match quality now? Because they should. The Match of the Year should be a genuine WWE thing about the best wrestling matches. I know they tried to do that on WWE.com but mentioning stuff like that on TV can only help match quality. Cena addresses Owens attack on Machine Gun Kelly last week saying that “nobody knows” why he did it. I do. It’s because Kevin Owens is a wrestler and he hates non-wrestlers getting exposure on a wrestling show. Cena goes on to call Owens a “garbage human being” and shills their third encounter at Battleground. I would have been quite happy with Owens winning one match and then putting the feud on the back-burner but hey, the WWE loves flogging a good horse until it’s dead. With this feud they’ve taken what could have been an epic year-long feud and spooged it into two months. Cena calls out Owens and Kevin responds. He points out that Cena cares about the fans but Owens only cares about winning titles. Owens decides to heel himself up as an “evil foreigner” by speaking French. Cena responds by speaking French and Chinese. Who knew he was a cunning linguist? Despite this feud being rushed it’s still the best thing on WWE TV. Video Control takes us backstage where Seth Rollins continues his campaign of sucking up by talking to Triple H and Stephanie. The Tripper has an interesting take on the Kane and J&J situation. “Screw ‘em. You don’t need them. You never did” – Hunter. “You’re scared, you’re scared of Brock Lesnar because you’re smart” – Hunter, again. Despite the bagging on Triple H that we frequently do in the HoW offices he knows how to tell a story. I just wish he did it in small doses like this more often. The Bella Twins vs. Naomi & Tamina Tamina continues to look clumsy here and seems to have issues with Brie. She seems to move in too close to her opponents before taking a bump. It always looks weird. Byron points out the Bellas are the “Kardashian’s of the WWE” and doesn’t seem to realise it’s an insult and one the Bella’s completely deserve. Naomi tries to hold this together but has nothing to work with. Also, who’s the babyface here? I’ll tell you; no one. Everyone is heel, nobody cares. Nikki gets a ‘hot tag’ after some heat on Brie and it confuses me. Have they flipped the Bella’s face again? What the hell is going on? There’s one amazing botch in this where Tamina falls over the referee. It’s as hilarious as it is embarrassing. Nikki finishes Naomi with the Rack Attack. This match was an abortion. Final Rating: -* Mark Henry vs. Ryback The Big Show joins commentary, which is unwelcome. It serves to remind me the WWE is going ahead with Ryback vs. Show vs. Miz at Battleground. Because Show needs protecting, in 2015, and Miz is there for Ryback to pin. Some genius gives this six minutes and it’s basically two big guys lifting each other or attempting to. It’s The Gym: The Wrestling Match. Ryback wins with a splash off the top, in an attempt to diversify his move set. If he picked Henry up one more time he’d probably give himself a hernia. Final Rating: ¼* Video Control gives us a Tough Enough shill before Ryback makes a few comments about the match he just wrestled. “Don’t go calling me Flyback” jokes the Big Guy. He goes on to say his parents hadn’t spoken for fifteen years and got together to watch him wrestle recently, something he’s very proud of. Big Show turns up and Ryback gives him a beating. Dolph Ziggler vs. Adam Rose Rose calls everyone “mouth-breathing dullards” who don’t “get it”. Then he makes out with Rosa Mendes to show Dolph and Lana what love is about. “Are we going to have a wrestling match?” – Ziggler calls Rose on his nonsense. I’m actually pleased to see Rose because it’s nice to get a different match even if he’s a bland act who’s gotten less interesting since he ditched the Rosebuds. Now he’s just another guy. The more interesting man is Ziggler, someone who has been rumoured to be unhappy with his WWE role of late. If there’s any truth to his imminent departure it’s not evident in the match where he flies around, looking in decent shape and finishes with a superkick on the airborne Rose. Dolph makes out with Lana after the match and Rusev is shown looking very angry in the back about it. So much so he throws his crutches away and falls over. In an interesting moment Summer Rae hands the crutch back saying “Lana’s not worth it”. I’d rather they picked someone more useful for this role and ultimately I’d rather they’d not split Rusev and Lana to begin with but hey, at least things are happening here and we’re moving forward. Final Rating: *3/4 Promo Time: Seth Rollins This is the main event. Twenty minutes of talking. Seth basically wants to apologise to Kane and J&J as Triple H suggested he do in an earlier backstage segment. It drags quite a lot and the crowd spend most of it bagging on “Justin Bieber”. After about ten minutes of yacking Brock Lesnar shows up and stalks all four guys. Seth’s buddies leave but, like several other times they’ve done this, it’s a fake-out so they can jump Lesnar. I’m surprised Lesnar is dumb enough to take his eye off the threat. He overpowers everyone and the throw on poor Jamie Noble into the rail leaves him lying with broken ribs. It looked fairly innocuous but that’s wrestling for you. It’s a dangerous game. The crowd loves Lesnar throwing Rollins around but somehow Kane manages to chokeslam Brock. Why is Kane overpowering Brock Lesnar? This shouldn’t have happened when Kane was young and relevant but it certainly shouldn’t be happening now. Thanks to Kane giving Seth a numbers advantage Rollins is able to hit the Pedigree and stand tall. Honestly, I’d rather they’d not done that but the logic behind Lesnar getting beaten down is a numbers game. Personally I don’t think Lesnar should be beaten down by Kane and Seth Rollins, ever, as he’s an untouchable special attraction and the WWE doesn’t have many of those left. It’s pretty much just Lesnar and the Undertaker and the Dead Man only shows up once a year. THE RAW RECAP: Most Entertaining: Kevin Owens Least Entertaining: Xavier Woods Quote of the Night: “I offer a public apology in advance for what Brock Lesnar is going to do to…Seth Rollins” – Paul Heyman. Match of the Night: Roman Reigns vs. Sheamus Summary: I’ve said this before but Raw is just too long at three hours. Trying to fill it is becoming increasingly tiresome. And yet nobody is getting time for their matches apart from Kane and Sheamus. Two guys you don’t want to see in protracted matches. It’s madness. Oh well, maybe next week they’ll do something to try and improve the tag division, divas division and the undercard in general to try and make this show less awful. Nice to see Brock Lesnar and Kevin Owens. They’re both worth tuning in for. Everything else is a pass at the moment. Verdict: 39 I really hated Money in the Bank last night. I thought the main event was overly long, and the excess of spots borderline ridiculous. The lame finish where both Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins fell holding the belt, only for Seth to wrest it from Ambrose as they hit the mat was like something out of TNA at its Russo-led worst. Seth had destroyed him, there was no reason for him not to win decisively. He is the WWE Champion, after all. The MITB match itself was a real letdown, with an overabundance of lying around selling nothing, and a baffling choice of victor. Sheamus is a midcarder, he has had a run at the top and it didn't work. There is zero appeal to any program he is involved in. It’s not that he is bad, he has just wrestled everyone in the company a thousand times. Frankly, I would be more than content to never see him in a WWE ring ever again. There were other things that bothered be about Money in the Bank too. How about R-Truth, a man booked as a thieving pre-schooler, going over Bad News Barrett, the reigning King of the Ring. So much for that push. How about the utterly worthless Nikki Bella dominating the women’s division even though she is one of the most one-dimensional, unnatural in-ring performers ever to set foot inside a WWE ring. Don’t think for a second she will be losing that Diva’s Title until she has broken AJ Lee’s record reign, just to make sure WWE can erase her from their record books entirely. Then there was Kevin Owens vs. John Cena, a match I thought was even better than their Elimination Chamber epic two weeks ago, clocking in at ****3/4. It was almost perfect, apart from the utterly predictable conclusion of John Cena going over. What did that achieve? Owens victory over him is now rendered almost meaningless by the even steven booking. If Owens had won again it wouldn't have hurt Cena, but it sure as hell would have cemented Owens as a main event player. Sure, they did the post-match angle, but that was plastering over the cracks. He should have won and then done that. Cena could lose every week on TV for a year and it wouldn't hurt him at this stage, because he has been booked as invincible for a decade. WWE, one step forward, ten steps back every time.
Promo Time: Seth Rollins Rollins is here alone to brag, and brings his usual Wario-esque snarly smugness. He declared Raw to be his show, and rechristens it Monday Night Rollins. Hardly original, but it does roll(ins) off the tongue. He gives a mock acceptance speech where he thanks himself, a lot, but tellingly doesn't thank Hunter and Steph. It’s because we are at the start of a slow burn program between them, you see. Seth can be the next big shot for Hunter to cut the legs off. Rollins burying the Authority is almost a babyface turn, though he is a great weasel-like heel, so that makes no sense. It makes far more sense than the Authority turning face though. Jesus, can you imagine that? Babyface authority figures; that would be something. Rollins gets great cheap heat for burying Cleveland and their local sports teams, which is fine for the 10,000 fans there but doesn't translate well overseas. That kind of thing should be saved for non-televised house shows. ‘Stone Cold’ Dean Ambrose has heard enough and heads out to confront Seth, looking entirely fine despite having taken multiple powerbombs into barricades, ladders, chairs and what not last night. He remembers he is supposed to be hurt and drags his leg along, briefly, but frequently forgets about it as they brawl. Rollins bails, so Ambrose decides to stage a sit down protest until he returns to finish the fight. After the commercial break, Ambrose is still in the ring. We cut backstage to Hunter and Steph, where Seth barges in demanding to know what is going to be done about Dean. Mum and Dad tell him it is taken care of, but Seth questions them. His disrespect is further seeds being planted for the eventual program with Hunter. Hunter and Steph talk down to Seth like an insolent child, and Hunter yells at him for implying that Steph is a liar. Yeah, McMahons never lie... Back to the ring, Sheamus and his bafflingly-won MITB briefcase turn up for some further talking. No one gives a fucking shit about you Sheamus. No one ever has. Will this infernal segment ever end? We have had thirty minutes of Raw, and not a match in sight. That changes when Sheamus decides he wants to fight, and Ambrose is happy to oblige. Dean Ambrose vs. Sheamus Like every Sheamus match, this is mostly boring. They just meander around doing little of note, certainly not enough to erase the memory of that three hour long opening segment. I have noticed of late that Sheamus can barely hit his Brogue Kick anymore. He connects with chest rather than face more often than not nowadays. I don't know if he has bad hips or if it is some newfangled McMahonian decree that kicking in the face is no longer allowed, due to the ongoing class action concussion lawsuit against WWE. Dean keeps fighting, showing fire with punch/chop combos, but Sheamus cuts him off. The lame Irishman does win a brownie point for stopping midway through his forearms in the ropes spot because the crowd count along with it, thus drawing him heat. A heel who wants to be booed, there’s a rarity in 2015. That plays nicely into the match too, with Dean turning the tables and hitting the same move on Sheamus. It’s a nice, organic spot. Ambrose rallies, and I assume the deal is that the adrenaline has nullified the pain in his leg, because he doesn't sell it anymore. Sheamus decides to leave, for whatever reason, but the arrival of Randy Orton with music prevents him. Oh, Jesus, do not feud these two! I can’t take any more of their awful matches. Orton’s presence leads to WWE’s favourite finish - and I shouldn't have to spell out what that is by now - which was a result I would have bet a fortune on before the bell rang. Dean lost last night, Sheamus won something important, so the guy who lost needs his win back on someone in WWE world. It’s everyone’s favourite even steven nonsense again. Orton gives Sheamus a beating after the match, but Sheamus avoids the RKO and bails. Somehow in the fracas he has managed to cut his head. This was really drab. Final Rating: *1/2 Backstage, Jamie Noble thinks Seth should defend his title at Battleground against Joey Mercury, since he beat him last week. Yeah, that really happened. Rollins laughs it off, so Mercury goads him, playing him like a fiddle. R-Truth vs. Bad News Barrett Isn't this just the rematch we have all been waiting for? Truth walks out dressed like a “king”, clad in a burger king crown, a bed sheet for a cape and with a toilet plunger as a sceptre. What is the acronym for this infantile promotion again? WCW? Underneath his toddler fancy dress garb he is wearing a suit, apparently thinking he is doing commentary. He is so dumb, he doesn't realise he has a match, you see. After almost amusing me by calling Byron Saxton “Coach” and quoting Diff’rent Strokes, he gets in the ring. Cole says Barrett was “humiliated and embarrassed” losing to Truth last night, practically flat out saying that Truth is a joke and he sucks. Which is all true, of course, but if they know that, why don't they just cut him? Barrett loses to another fluke pin after mere seconds, as I began to question why I even put up with this nonsense anymore. Seriously, what is wrong with this company? Why does winning a title or accolade guarantee defeat week after week. Barrett must have one of the poorest win-loss records of anyone this year, yet for the majority he has been either the Intercontinental Champion or the King of the Ring. It’s nonsense. Everyone is the same, everyone is the same, everyone is the same, everyone is the same. Final Rating: SQUASH Promo Time: Kevin Owens Finally, someone worth watching. Owen justifies why he attacked Cena after the match last night, claiming when Cena condescendingly gave him his approval and said “you belong here”, it was the most disrespectful thing he has ever heard in his career. He already knows he belongs here, he doesn't want Cena’s endorsement. It’s a superb character promo from easily the best natural heel on the roster. It looks like they are going with Cena-Owens #3, which might be over-egging the proverbial pudding, even if their matches together have been unbelievable. The problem is it risks killing the program by going too far, like they always do. If Cena wins again that is it for Owens; he becomes the next Rusev, Bray Wyatt, Bobby Lashley, Rob Van Damn, Nexus, Umaga, Alberto Del Rio or countless others. Owens wants the US Title next time they meet, which is all well and good but wasn't their program about more than belts? Because Cena isn't here due to “severe bruising” (ouch, eh?) he throws out an open challenge of his own. Dolph Ziggler accepts. His denim jacket is straight out of the eighties. He reckons he knows about sacrifice, but Owens is nonplussed and smiles dismissively. Owens accepts the challenge, but it turns out the belt is not on the line. Good. Nor should it be. The NXT title shouldn't ever be held by anyone on the main roster who isn't an NXT regular. Kevin Owens vs. Dolph Ziggler Why, oh why, did they turn Lana and stick her with Dolph? She has done absolutely nothing since splitting from Rusev. Okay, Rusev got injured, killing any program between Lana’s latest charge and her ex, but surely they could rebook and come up with something for her to do. I expect big things going in with Ziggler’s top notch selling perfect for Owens’ high-impact moves, but it’s actually all rather underwhelming. There are nice spots here and there, such as a dangerous Owens German and a sack of shit into the barricade, but an awful lot of it is chinlocks and grinding beatdown offence. Ziggler barely does anything, he just gets his ass kicked. The finish sees Ziggler avoid the pop up powerbomb and hit the Zig Zag, but Owens kicks out at two. The crowd finally begin to really bite, but right as they do, Owens hits the powerbomb for the win. Wow, they actually booked something right. A clean finish with no shenanigans. I didn't enjoy this all that much. It was okay, but the ad breaks and rest holds rather killed it for me. Final Rating: **1/2 Backstage, Paige gives a motivational speech stood atop a chair, trying to rally the random non-wrestling girls against the Bellas tyranny. Layla still works here? Fuck. I don't quite get what the Bellas have supposedly done wrong in Paige’s mind. If she wants Nikki to lose the title and not dominate the division, she should beat her. In kayfabe terms, that’s what it boils down to. The Bellas turn up and tell all the voiceless girls to side with Paige if they want too. They all walk off. Paige has a point about the Bellas running the show, but it is in a strictly creative sense and makes no sense in storylines. None of these other girls ever do anything on Raw. Surely they should side with her if the problem is levels of exposure? Whatever, my brain is fried now. This whole ordeal was utter shat. Randy Orton vs. Kane Oh come on, what is this now!? Who wants to see this match in 2015? Fiver says Sheamus gets involved in the finish... Oh look, here he comes now. Kane changes the match to no holds barred, Sheamus kicks Orton in the chest, and Kane wins. Terrible. Final Rating: DUD Seth and Kane argue backstage. Seth brings up Paul Bearer and Undertaker, which pisses Kane off to the point that he grabs him and threatens evisceration. Seth gets cross. They are really going with this as a PPV match down the line aren’t they? Miz vs. Show What better to follow a bad Kane match that a Big Show match? Ryback does commentary and calls Big Show the best big man in history. What an idiot. “Miz is awful,” chants Cleveland. Well, at least someone knows what they are talking about. Show plays possum with his leg and Miz falls for it like a chump, and gets chopped to hell as a result. Miz ends up on the outside and Show daintily follows, moving at around the same pace as the Iron Sheik at WrestleMania X-7. Show throws Miz into Ryback, who without missing a beat says, “I’ve got Miz all over me.” I thought this was a PG show? Miz wins on count out and celebrates like he just won the WWE Championship. It has been brought to my attention that Big Show never actually wins. It hardly matters if you win when you are seven foot tall though; you are still guaranteed top billing in this company. Ryback is shirtless and ripped like a mofo in the afters. He should always wrestle topless, rather than covering up his remarkable physique with an RVD-esque singlet. Final Rating: ¼* Promo Time: Roman Reigns Reigns says he didn't get much sleep last night after Money in the Bank because of what Bray Wyatt did to him, and he is so pissed off that he doesn't want to wait for Battleground to throw down. Wyatt turns up on the screen and starts rambling. Reigns tells him to shut up and come out to fight, but Wyatt laughs his impudence off. He says last night’s attack was because Reigns beat him to get into the MITB match, costing him a place in the bout and robbing him of his destiny. Hmm. Reigns was already in the match, he had to beat Wyatt to retain his spot. If Wyatt should be pissed off with anyone it is the Authority, who are the ones that booked it in the first place. Why doesn't he have heat with Sheamus for winning the thing? Wyatt says a whole lot of nothing for a while, but then suddenly the promo goes from mundane to several shades of great when Wyatt reveals he is holding a picture of Reigns and his daughter. He stares at it creepily, then starts singing ‘My Little Teapot’, a reference to a brief VT aired earlier showing Reigns singing the same song to his little girl. It’s delightfully sinister stuff. Paige vs. The Bellas This feud has been going on since before the concept of time was invented. You can add all of the star ratings of their matches together and would struggle to get a good match out of it. Nikki’s frequent exercising during spots is deeply irritating, as if she has even the vaguest hint of talent to think she can get away with such arrogant posturing. Mind, she needs the exercise. Seeing the Bellas together makes one thing quite clear; they look nothing alike. They barely look like sisters, never mind twins. The match is the shits of course, and Brie is even worse than Nikki. Her attempts at selling are hilarious. “Paige is going to knock off the Bella twins” says Cole, who obviously doesn't know what that really means. They deserve it for their crimes against wrestling. “We saw this last night,” says the gibbering imbecile as Nikki uses a punch, of all things. Fake tit slam from Nikki, and the Bellas win again. The women’s division will never, ever prosper while these two talentless phonies are on top. Final rating: DUD Concert: Machine Gun Kelly My ears! My motherfucking ears! Thank the Wrestling Gods for Kevin Owens. He appears on stage after that aural atrocity and sarcastically applauds. MGK gets all dickish and up in Owens’ face, so the wonderful bastard powerbombs him off the stage. Clever camera work hides the massive cardboard box and crash pad that he landed on. The New Day vs. The Prime Time Players & Neville I was very pleased to see PTPs recent good performances get rewarded last night. I am increasingly a big fan of Titus, who will likely feature highly in my year end award for Guilty Pleasure. I am not sure what business Neville has being out there with these guys, but I am sure it says something about where WWE consider his place on the card to be. Let’s put it another way: you wouldn't see Randy Orton or Roman Reigns slumming it in this spot. This is your standard Raw tag match, with the faces hitting their trademark spots before commercial and the heels controlling with a chinlock afterwards, which has now become so commonplace that it is almost an in joke. Wouldn't it be nice to just once return from commercial mid spot? It would definitely feel more natural. Once Neville gets the hot tag, things turn up a few notches. He is a veritable jumping bean, bouncing around all over the ring and completely evading the clutches of the New Day. The next few minutes are all Neville and they are so full of energy that it is great to watch. Darren Young heads back in to hit Kofi in his injured ribs with the Gut Check, then Neville finishes with the Red Arrow. That move is really getting over. Fun match in the end. Final Rating: **1/4 Backstage, Dean Ambrose throws darts at a picture of Seth Rollins, then Kane appears for a chat. Ambrose starts laughing, explaining to the confused Kane that he is laughing at the prospect of him being WWE Champion. He implores him to go back to his old ways, because he “kinda liked that guy”. I would probably be more tolerant of him as a performer if he was circa 1998 Kane. I kinda liked that guy too. Battleground Main Event Announcement The Authority come down for the main event promo, and Hunter immediately dismisses the notion of Rollins’ Battleground opponent being Jamie Noble, Joey Mercury, Kane or Dean Ambrose. That brings out Seth, who wears a large grin. He is amused, because he can’t work out who else it could possibly be. His character is a bit dim. Hunter says Seth needs to prove himself one more time so he can determine if he is a piece of coal dust or a diamond. He likes the metaphors. The place goes nuts when Brock Lesnar arrives, and Seth looks like he has just seen a ghost. The two square off, and Seth starts to visibly shake. Crikey. He stops short of shitting his pants, but does bail out of the ring and practically runs away. The Authority have protected Seth so far, but now the beast is out of the cage and this is Seth’s real test. It’s like the trials of Lion’o in Thundercats. I am thrilled to see Brock back, his presence is untouchable. Nobody else comes close. THE RAW RECAP: Most Entertaining: Kevin Owens. Great promo, decent match, great murdering of worthless “singer” Machine Gun Kelly. Least Entertaining: Brie Bella. Most sucked tonight, she was the worst. Quote of the Night: “I’ve got Miz all over me” - Ooh err, Ryback. Match of the Night: Kevin Owens vs. Dolph Ziggler, though it was only okay. Summary: There was some good on the show thanks to Brock Lesnar, Kevin Owens and Bray Wyatt, but the rest was a chore. We have said this countless times and will surely say it again, but three hours is far too long. It is impossible to do a good three hour broadcast, and WWE proves that week after week with mundane show after mundane show. Recently there has been a lot of very good wrestling to offset the terrible comedy, fake-sounding promos and samey booking, but not tonight. The angles and segments were the strongest part of the show, while the wrestling was severely lacking. The whole show needs a refresh from top to bottom, from the look to the mentality to the way feuds play out. Something must change, or WWE will remain in the stagnant state for years to come. Verdict: 30 |
AuthorJames Dixon and Arnold Furious. The poor sods have volunteered for this... Archives
January 2016
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