So much for the power of the internet. The #CancelWWENetwork movement was a bust, with WWE garnering a truck load of sign ups from their free November, the Rumble and the night after, leading to them hitting the fabled one million subscribers number. Seconds later they sent out a press release to gloat about the fact, and make no mistake, that was a big "fuck you" to all of those who talked about cancelling. It was WWE saying, "Your protests are ineffectual and you are a minority voice," and even more ammunition for why they won't listen to the vocal section of their audience.
So, SmackDown then, the first ever episode of the show that HoW have covered. This will not be a regular thing, believe me, because usually this is a tiresome show to sit through. Nothing ever happens! Literally, nothing at all. I am covering this episode due to Raw having been cancelled. My expectation is, everything that would have went down Monday will happen here. Maybe. Promo Time: Triple H The show is already beating Raw due to an absence of Stephanie and her dulcet tones. Triple H is in full gloat mode, championing the WWE Network and its million subscribers (a good number, sure, but not one that makes the whole exercise worthwhile just yet) and thanking everyone for buying it, like a babyface. He notes that, "When people tell us we can't do it, we're gonna do it," which is another way of saying: "Roman Reigns? Deal with it." Proving that nothing changes, Hunter then makes semi-dated references and cock jokes, though because we are PG they are actually "balls" jokes. They are even lamer now than they were eighteen years ago. Then he gets serious. He mentions "controversy" in WWE as of late, and brings up Sting. Ah, he is back to heel again... He rambles on and on and on, taking an age to spit out every goddamn sentence, then reveals he will confront Sting at Fast Lane. WE KNOW! It was announced on Raw! I hate it when they do a big slow reveal to announce something... that they have already announced. Hunter brings up further controversy at the Royal Rumble, but notes not the event itself, which was "spectacular". He puts over the triple threat as one of the greatest matches he has ever seen, and says the Rumble match itself was the problem. We see footage of Reigns winning and Hunter says he will deal with the controversy with an announcement that will shake the foundations of WWE on Monday. Wait a minute... What controversy? There was no actual storyline controversy whatsoever! Reigns won, fairly (though I suppose Rock helped, but he didn't touch Rusev), the only controversy was that the fans hated the booking and let WWE know about it. Admitting to the supposed "controversy" and not explaining what was so controversial makes no sense, and only really reveals that wrestling is all booked. Of course we all know that, but don't break the fourth wall! As far as the announcement? Don't get your hopes up. Bryan is going nowhere near that main event this year, and all it is likely to be is Reigns getting put in a handicap match with Kane and Big Show with his shot on the line, something like that. Stack the odds against him and have him overcome, the classic babyface booking. I don't see it as being much more. Reigns comes out to more apathy than boos, and quite rightly wants to know what the controversy is. Hunter doesn't answer, instead just telling Reigns, "You did win that match (Zuh? Then what are you going on about!?), let's see if you win this one..." This whole segment meandered in too many directions, and none of them made any sense. And my god, does Hunter love the sound of his own voice. Roman Reigns vs. The Big Show I feel like I have seen this before. It's their usual match, which is not a good thing. Show dominates, making Reigns look far less human than someone about to wrestle an unbeatable monster in the biggest show of the year. Reigns should be the one who dominates. The commentary is interesting here, with the announcers discussing how fans wanted Bryan to win, and Lawler noting that Reigns isn't the problem, the fans just didn't want him to win. "It's not like Reigns didn't do anything in the Royal Rumble," defends Cole, before throwing out some stats. What a dumb thing to say. It feels like forced justification. It is also strange that they keep mentioning Bryan and Ziggler being the fan's choices. Either Reigns is going heel or they have something up their sleeve. Or, y'know, the commentators and WWE just have no real idea what they are doing. Big Show tries to do an anklelock and it is woeful, like, backyard wrestling bad. Then he takes a hilarious bump over the top a'la Jim Neidhart at WrestleMania II to further prove why he has no place in wrestling in 2015. A tepid brawl on the outside does little to inspire. Back in the ring, Show blocks the Superman punch with a chokeslam, but Reigns kicks out. The crowd is mainly quiet for his comeback, though there are more cheers than boos. Naturally, at the chosen one, he goes over clean with a spear. They are trying to make him strong him for 'Mania, but I still think a massacre a'la Goldberg would have achieved far more. Pretty dull match overall. "One way to silence critics is to win and to win big," says Cole, apparently forgetting about John Cena's existence. Final Rating: 3/4* Vince McMahon, looking like a Madame Tussauds waxwork, re-announces that the Network is free in February. You know, all the people who ordered it from the start have a right to be fairly miffed about this. What is the reward for the loyal customer? In another break announcement that they already announced on Monday, Arnold Schwarzenegger is going into the WWE Hall of Fame. The whole deal is purely reciprocal, a thanks from Hunter because Arnie is putting him in his International Sports Hall of Fame. Promo Time: Seth Rollins Seth gloats about injuring Lesnar at the Rumble, and reminds everyone that even though he didn't win the title, he still has the briefcase. He issues an open challenge to anyone in the building to fight him. He should learn from other heels of the past; this kind of grandstanding never ends well. Oh, never mind, it's only Ryback who answers. It's not even a match, just a three-on-one mugging from Rollins and his security team. Erik Rowan and his unfathomable music is next out, he gets a kicking too. These babyfaces suck. Finally Dolph Ziggler heads out to reunite the fired babyface trio from Survivor Series. The point of all this? I have no idea; Seth and his cronies just bail. I figure he will do something similar on Raw and Randy Orton will answer, setting up their inevitable WrestleMania program. Kane cuts a horrible promo backstage from behind a casket. It's corny in a bad early nineties way. You can only see his top half, leading me to wonder if he is wearing pants. See, now it is creepy. Jey Uso vs. Tyson Kidd Standard WWE booking here, with Kidd going over one half of the tag champions in a singles match to no doubt illogically set up a tag title match on Raw. I wrote the previous sentence before the match had even started, that's how predictable and unwavering this company is in the way it does things. Super quick here too, played in front of silence, with Kidd getting the expected win thanks to the Moss Covered Three Handled Family Credenza. This didn't nothing for anyone. Final Rating: 1/2* More Kane, this time he is staring longingly into a casket, perhaps thinking about Katie Vick. Yeah, he is definitely not wearing pants. Promo Time: Rusev Quick rant from Rusev about how he should have been the Royal Rumble winner and facing Lesnar at WrestleMania, which would have been great, then John Cena comes out. Cena does his finest Dusty Rhodes impression, delivering his lines as if he just rolled in from the hood. "I'm the face of the place," he reminds us, as if we needed reminding. I am looking forward to the fiftieth round of Rusev vs. Jack Swagger matches once Cena gets done ruining Rusev's career in the next two months. These two will get it on at Fast Lane next month, as announced on Raw. Oddly enough, when WWE made that announcement they mentioned it was originally supposed to happen at WrestleMania, which it was, but that was never announced anywhere except the dirt sheets. Is kayfabe just completely out of the window now or what? At Fast Lane, Paige will wrestle Nikki Bella for the Diva's Title. That naturally leads to an immediate confrontation backstage, some bullying from the Bellas (be a star!) and Paige getting a meaty forearm to the face. Goldust & Stardust vs. The Ascension The Ascension do an insert promo and are so twitchy and hokey that they make me laugh. Nervously that is, worried that someone will catch me watching this shit and think I am an idiot. They are awful! They have a tedious match too, not helped by both teams being heel. Goldust gets a hot tag to no response, which goes nowhere, then Stardust gets pinned with the Total Elimination deal. Stick a fork in the Ascension, they're done. Final Rating: 1/2* Backstage, Kane closes his casket. That's not a double entendre. "No air!" wails Lawler randomly. Elsewhere backstage, a magician from some show fits right in with WWE's recent odd behaviour, revealing his secrets to the world. He shows Miz a trick involving a gimmicked egg, which turns into a real egg. Miz doesn't buy it so the magician breaks it over his head. Mizdow is amused. Bray Wyatt does his black room Titantron promo deal, saying he fears no-one. The way they are using him, I think Undertaker is imminent. Casket Match Kane vs. Daniel Bryan Daniel Bryan is considerably more over than the chosen one Roman Reigns. The thing is though, no matter how much the fans yell "Yes", WWE just think the chant is over rather than Bryan. That's their mentality, they always come up with an excuse for why they don't want to push him. This is Vince McMahon we are talking about after all, he is never going to truly get behind someone who doesn't eat meat. This match is unlikely to make it onto Daniel Bryan's highlight reel because like everything else on the show, it's astonishingly dull. It's like a Royal Rumble just on one side of the ring. Lots and lots of teases, not a great deal else. Kane is real tough to watch, especially without all of the smoke and mirrors of his mask, entrance, etc. Bryan tries but the fans just don't care at all. He eventually bundles Kane into the casket using the Yes Lock after twenty minutes, and does the chant and pose on top of the cheap plastic casket after the win. The crowd play along, but based on tonight there is absolutely no chance that WWE are going to change direction. Final Rating: * THE SMACKDOWN REPORT: Most Entertaining: No-one. Everyone was boring tonight, Deathly boring. Least Entertaining: The Ascension. I can't even look at them without cringing. Quote of the Night: "The WWE, and Triple H, we have never had a problem with balls" - Triple H still loves his Johnson. Match of the Night: They all sucked. Verdict: This is why I don't watch SmackDown. It is boring, so boring. Sure, it is far snappier (see: shorter) than Raw and thus easier to forgive, but still, never again. The people who watch this show every week must really love WWE. Despite having essentially lost a week with the cancellation of Raw, I expected something meaningful to happen tonight. Instead I got Triple H announcing an announcement and then a bunch of fluff to get the bigger stars on the show without them actually doing anything. Jesus Christ was this a boring show! Rating: 19
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Coming hot off the heels of one of the most divisive pay-per-view shows in company history, the 2015 Royal Rumble, is this much-anticipated episode of Raw live from Hartford, CT, the home of WWE. Only, it's not. So appalled was Mother Nature with WWE's booking of the Rumble match and their handling of Daniel Bryan in particular, that she sent a monstrous snow storm. Thus, Raw in its standard form is cancelled, replaced by a special presentation of the show from the WWE studios. Lucky they were in the area, really. What a way to avoid the guaranteed backlash against their future direction. Chaos on the post-Rumble Raw is becoming something of a tradition now. The original planned Raw will take place on SmackDown this week instead, so I guess we will have to cover that too! I am hoping for something akin to World Championship Wrestling from TBS Studios with tonight's replacement broadcast...
Hosts are Michael Cole and Booker T. We open with footage of the storm and Governor Malloy's declaration that no-one in the state is allowed to travel. It's the first time the weather has lampooned a WWE broadcast in this manner since the Beware of Dog pay-per-view back in 1996. We cut to JBL on the roof of the building, cold and dressed inappropriately for such inclement weather. He has little of note to say. Cole reveals that the broadcast will feature both the triple-threat title match and the battle royal from Royal Rumble in full! Wow, those "stupid" people who ordered last night on pay-per-view who didn't want refunds sure will now! I can't imagine Sky here in the UK are thrilled either. There goes every single replay buy. Cole promises that we will find out the main event of WrestleMania tonight, as if Reigns winning the Rumble and Lesnar retaining was a surprise. Maybe it would have been if they hadn't already showed stills of the results in the opening montage! We open with the title match, which Arnold Furious covered in his Royal Rumble review. Seeing as I agree with everything he said, here it is: WWE Championship Brock Lesnar (c) vs. Seth Rollins vs. John Cena Cena predictably gets abuse from the moment his music kicks in. There’s no doubt the Philly fans prefer Lesnar to the other two options. Lesnar destroys everything from the bell, including J & J Security. It might as well be a handicap match as he mashes both Cena and Rollins without breaking a sweat. It’s like a suplex exhibition! Cena & Rollins have to team up, it’s the only way to stop Lesnar. FU for Lesnar but he kicks out at ONE and just goes back to destroying both guys. They manage to get Lesnar down on the outside to set up Cena running through his spots to heat only for Brock to come back in and destroy him again! Rollins has to use the ropes to stand any chance along with a stick and move offence. Meanwhile Cena tries to butt heads with the champion, clearly not learning from his previous matches. F5 for Rollins, after he was caught coming off the top in another freakish display of strength, but Cena saves. That gets him destroyed with more suplexes. At this point Brock realises he needs to eliminate one guy to stop the pinfalls being broken up and preps the Spanish table. Cena promptly hits him with THREE FU’s and Rollins breaks the pin. CURB STOMP for Lesnar and Cena breaks that up. Lesnar gets up first so Cena spears him through the rail. Lesnar has now taken five big spots consecutively. If there was ever a chance for one of the other two, it’s now but Brock won’t stay down! Cena has the look of Ivan Drago in Rocky IV. He is made of iron! Cena bashes Lesnar with the ring steps to set up Lesnar on the Spanish table and up goes Seth; SAVAGE ELBOW THROUGH THE ANNOUNCE TABLE! Rollins and Cena have a few tricks left up their sleeve and Rollins flips out of the FU only to get planted with a sitout powerbomb. Rollins innovation mixed with Cena’s power is a great match up. Cena has it won with the STFU but Mercury & Noble save, because there’s no DQ in a three-way match. Meanwhile EMT’s are working on Brock Lesnar. This leads to Cena fighting the odds and numbers game of Seth Rollins. DOUBLE FU ON J & J! FU for Rollins…for 2! Rollins escapes the FU again, twice and hits the CURB STOMP…for 2. Rollins figures he needs something different and goes for the PHOENIX SPLASH but LESNAR IS BACK UP! MORE SUPLEXES! Seth hits him with the briefcase but runs into the F5 and Brock retains in glorious fashion. Insane match. Will very probably be WWE’s match of the year. Best three-way match since TNA’s ones from 2005. It was made believable by Lesnar’s dominance and then injury break. I was expecting a good match but I got epic. Final Rating: ****3/4 * Note, the match loses quarter of a star from the above rating when aired on Raw due to the incessant commercials, which do a swell job of taking you out of the moment every five minutes. Sit-down Interview Time: Seth Rollins "My performance last night at the Rumble will speak for itself." Okay, interview done then... ...Oh, he is still talking. See, this is why you shouldn't speak in clichés like a Premiership footballer. Michael Cole is the quizmaster here, asking Rollins a number of inane questions about some of the things he did in the match that we just watched. Rollins is broody about his defeat, and admits he underestimated Lesnar, but says the one thing he has that Lesnar doesn't is a Money in the Bank briefcase. That kind of talk defies logic. Lesnar is the champion, the thing the briefcase holder wants to be. Why does Lesnar care if you have a dented briefcase with a garish paint job? He has the belt! Rollins takes offence to Cole wrapping up the interview because Lesnar is up next. He claims he isn't going anywhere and Lesnar will have to kick him out of his chair to move him. Wouldn't it be hilarious if Rollins tried to cash in tonight in the studio? They could have a crazy brawl around the building a'la Jim Duggan and Harley Race at the 1987 Slammy Awards! This interview was largely pointless, just necessary filler to pad out the show. When we return from commercial, Rollins is still sat there. Lesnar turns up and tells him to shift. Rollins does, though throws the chair over in a fit of petulant rage. All talk but ultimately a weasel, like a good heel should be. Sit-down Interview Time: Brock Lesnar Lesnar confirms Cole's report that he broke his rib last night, but says he got through it like he always has. If they are not turning him fully-fledged babyface then they really are completely lost. The way he has been booker the last three times he has been on television has screamed babyface, but I am not sure they know the difference anymore. Cole creates his own narrative with a theory that Lesnar is at odds with the Authority, but Paul Heyman immediately pooh-poohs that notion. Cole changes tact and brings up the Undertaker's streak being broken at WrestleMania, then in a current and relevant question, asks him how he managed to overcome Taker's mind games. Who cares!? That was a year ago! We have moved on to a much darker time since then. "You're now on a collision course with last night's Royal Rumble winner Roman Reigns..." says Cole, giving away the already given away result of a day old show that they were trying to keep as a surprise. Does that mean we can just skip the rigmarole of sitting through the hour-long abortion again? "Maybe I will meet this guy later," says Brock, much to my amusement. Royal Rumble Match I have better things to do than sit through this again. Once was bad enough, and the gall of WWE to show it again is remarkable. Arn did a grand job covering the whole thing in his show review, so I will just offer a few notes: * Miz and Truth being numbers #1 and #2 really rather set the stage for the worst Rumble match that I can remember. A skinny aloof imbecile and a long since irrelevant throwback to the year 2000, entering to the sound of complete apathy. * If Michael Cole says, "Oh my..." once more I might be forced to garrotte him. * Bubba Ray Dudley's return was a genuine surprise and I was delighted to see him. But boy, was his fat! He had got into such great shape as the awesome Bully Ray in TNA, yet in WWE he looked to have piled on fifty pounds in just a few weeks. Maybe it's the gear. Actually, Bully Ray was a far stronger persona than Bubba and it would have been good to see him combine that with the Bubba stuff, but hey, no real complaints. This for me, was the highlight of the entire match. It was a one shot, but the pop he got might get him rehired permanently. * Truth was clearly only in the match because he is black, and thus could serve as a fake shemp D-Von Dudley. Philly were slow on the uptake in asking for tables, and Bubba had to lead them into the chant, like an Indy guy. * There were a lot of staredowns with little follow up in the early stages. * Surely, judged on the reaction and the way Harper and Rowan have floundered of late, the Wyatts should be reunited. Of course, that would rely on WWE listening to its audience, which we all know is a laughable notion. * I like the Boogeyman, and I am not sorry. * The way Bray was dominating here, the logical payoff appeared to be a big fat "DONG" (ahem) and the arrival of The Undertaker to throw him out. That was the direction that screamed out at me, at least. Instead, he lasted until the end then got dumped out, pointlessly. I am fairly convinced that Taker won't be wrestling at WrestleMania based on this. (Though as I write this, Undertaker had just tweeted a WrestleMania logo) * Daniel Bryan is the most over guy in the company. He has been for over a year. But then, you all know that, everyone knows that. Only Vince McMahon and his band of idiots don't know that. * DDP was a fun entrant, though did his back ever look like it was giving him hell after all those Diamond Cutters. I hope he brought his yoga mats with him. The good news is, the guy is so overwhelmingly positive that he probably consoled poor Roman Reigns after the show and made him feel better about himself. * And there goes Daniel Bryan, and with him, at least a few hundred if not thousand WWE Network subscriptions. I actually think the #CancelWWENetwork movement was a brilliant idea. You can shout and holler all you want at WWE's decisions, but the only thing that resonates with crazy old Vince is the almighty dollar. Hit him in the pocket where it hurts, and changes will come. Cancel it for the next generic pay-per-view Fast Lane and reorder for WrestleMania. They get their numbers real time these days, so it could well force their hand. * This match is now worthless. The air has left the building thanks to Bryan's elimination and the crowd HATE everything. Literally, everything and everyone. Kofi? Hate him. Goldust? Hate him. Adam Rose? Hate him. Roman Reigns? LOATHE HIM. * When your audience, the people who buy tickets, not just those on the internet who like a rant, but the paying public turn on what they are seeing and chant "Bullshit" and "We want refunds" that is not just a few people trying to get themselves over. They are giving you a message, they are actively telling you what they want to see and what they are willing to pay and see. They are also making it very clear what they don't want to see, yet that is the exact thing you give them. Why? Arrogance? Refusal to accept that anyone else is right? Bull-headed determination and balls the size of grapefruits? No, it is sheer, unadulterated stupidity. WWE has held a wrestling monopoly on a global stage (yes, NJPW and others exist, but nothing has the international exposure of WWE) since 2001, they should be MUCH bigger than they are. Wrestling is cyclical, they say, but WWE hasn't been truly hot since 2001. It has had moments, but not sustained eras. Bryan, genuinely, could be the guy to change that. Of course in this hyper-managed, PG, ultra-dull and screamingly generic era, WWE can never be truly huge again. There are too many Vince idiosyncrasies that have turned into baffling doctrine ("WWE Universe", use of writers, every set looking identical, every TV format being identical, emphasis on roid guys, etc) for anything to change. * I feel bad for Roman Reigns. I thought he was great in the Shield, he genuinely was the next breakout star. People would have been behind him if his character hadn't become a John Cena facsimile overnight. His horrible promos and cheesy Rocky Maivia-esque grin have killed him. As well as his not being Daniel Bryan. Reigns is not the problem, he is not the target of the hatred, he is just the one on the receiving end of the fans' resentment towards WWE's way of doing things because everyone knows he is the chosen one. The hatred is absolutely vicious, so sustained that it sounds like vuvuzelas. * Big E is horrible. People used to yammer on about how good he was before he got called up, but I think he looks like he is suffering a seizure every time he comes to the ring. The way he gyrates and judders is not natural! * The Mizdow stuff was okay, but the endgame will no doubt see him punished for daring to get over with a silly comedy gimmick and he will become 2015's equivalent of Fandango. * Remember when Jack Swagger was World Champion? It really happened! * JBL claims Lex Luger is the only person to win the Rumble who didn't go on to win the WWE Title. Except Jim Duggan. And John Studd. I barely count the "World Title" as a real belt either, which eliminates another half. * Kane beat Shawn Michaels' total eliminations record. Why? Now all the record holders are crappy. Rey Mysterio longest time? It should be a stamina guy like Greg Valentine or Ric Flair. Kane most eliminations? For what purpose? Roman Reigns most eliminations in one match? Contrived. * They even tried to break the one-second quickest elimination record with Titus O'Neill in this match, but their golden boy, Dean Ambrose and Titan combined to make an arsehole of it. Instead of one second, Titus went in four. I mean, wow. * I bet CM Punk is genuinely thrilled that his name is now codeword for "We hate this product" when chanted by fans. It is somehow fitting. * Is there anything more distressing than the sight of the Big Show as a main event guy in 2015? * Other than Kane as a main event guy in 2015? * Hey, remember that time when Kane and Big Show combined to eliminate everyone on the roster with a shot at being a future star in the company? It's Vince McMahon Booking #101. * When The Rock gets booed (and yes he got cheered briefly first) then you know there are problems. Having him wheeled out to endorse Reigns is a complete waste of time and money from a company that can barely afford to squander resources so flagrantly. * Listening to the announcers after Reigns wins is comical. It is as if they are commentating on something occurring in a parallel universe, because what they are saying doesn't match what is on the screen whatsoever. They push Reigns' win as a great ascension, his crowning glory, but the hatred aimed at him is inescapable. I guess he is just "polarising" like John Cena now. * I hate all of the pointing that goes on at this time of year. "Look, it's a sign... Oooohhh". Rumble winners are all like those little green aliens in Toy Story, wowed by the simplest of things. * Where were all the NXT guys? Any of them would have been better than the likes of Titus O'Neill, Curtis Axel, Fandango... Well, pretty much the entire roster, actually. * On that note, where was Randy Orton? He should have been involved really, because this match showed how little depth there is in this roster. Actually that is not true, they have a great roster, it is just horrendously utilised. * Sting was teased earlier on in the show. While we are at it, why wasn't he at the show? I don't care who wins and who loses, it's all just nonsense anyway. What I do care about is that a company can be so blind to what its audience wants and so unwilling to give even an inch. They have done it for years with Cena, they are going to do it for years more with Reigns. That, combined with the numerous other idiotic booking decisions, the horrible use of talent and the overuse of talentless, plus the generally tedious nature of the whole thing means this is the first negative star Rumble I have ever seen. Final Rating: -* Back in the studio, JBL thinks he saw Roman Reigns come of age last night. Which means, that in Vince McMahon's head, that's what he thinks happened. Sit-down interview time: Roman Reigns Byron Saxton gets the honours this time. To WWE's credit, they do tackle the issues of the tough crowd (Roman says they paid for a ticket and so can boo and cheer whoever they want, but really, what else would he say?) and that he has been handpicked for success. Though, that second question is one of those bizarre quasi-shoot comments that doesn't make sense in a kayfabe context. Reign's, who comes across far better here than in his Vince-scripted bullshit on the usual TV, says "thank you for the opportunity" before saying he is still the one who has to perform and deliver, regardless of what opportunities are given to him. It's a strange old answer for a strange old question given the context. Reigns discusses his family ties (every wrestling Samoan and The Rock, is the gist) and says he is looking forward to meeting Lesnar. I actually think that will be a good match, I just don't think it is the right match. It just feels so force-fed. Hell, I have known that it was likely he WrestleMania main event since around SummerSlam. Perhaps concerned about the spate of Network cancellations, WWE has moved Rusev vs. Cena forward from WrestleMania to Fast Lane, which is strange. Either they do a copout finish or they do Even Steven booking and kill the program. Or maybe they will do Cena and Hogan teaming against Rusev and whoever at Mania. Golly. On that note, Hunter and Sting are going to have a face to face "confrontation" at Fast Lane too. Swell. In other news, Arnold Schwarzenegger is going into the celebrity wing of the WWE Hall of Fame. What, for a handful of guest appearances on Raw and SmackDown!? Meanwhile, a doped up Dean Ambrose has hitch-hiked to headquarters with the message that he is going to make it to WrestleMania. Sit-down Interview Time: Daniel Bryan The beautiful Rene Young hosts this, which should be an interesting insight into where things are going. "The people have the power," says Bryan, which is the ironic statement of the night. "They were disappointed because Roman Reigns won, but not because Roman Reigns won, but because it wasn't me," he offers truthfully. He outlines how good a match him against Lesnar would be, and he is right. He blames himself for not winning the Rumble, which is a tactic to stop the fans blaming Reigns and booing him, but it won't work. They can have him cut all of these little speeches as much as they want, but the only thing that will stop the booing is the one thing they won't do. On Thursday Bryan is wrestling Kane, again, this time in a casket match. Who cares!? Really, who cares at all about that? Roman Reigns meets Brock Lesnar This is another face to face, with Reigns and Lesnar sat side by side as Cole conducts the interview. Paul Heyman steps in and takes over from Cole as the question master, giving this segment a chance. Heyman says he has known Roman's family longer than he has, and goes over his history with them throughout the years. Nice personal touch. Heyman puts Samoan workers over big, and says he is proud of Reigns. But then he notes that in 2002, Brock beat Rock to win the WWE Title for the first time. That is something WWE rarely acknowledge, primarily because they wanted to do it again. I guess they are not going in that direction again anytime soon then. Heyman says Rock never asked for a rematch because he couldn't beat Brock, and that Reigns has no idea what he is in for. "You can't beat Brock Lesnar," explains Heyman calmly. Reigns turns to Lesnar for his response, and cuts a calm, intense and really quite excellent promo at him. Lesnar jumps out of his seat, Reigns follows and they staredown. "Unlike him, I don't respect you" - Lesnar. "But you will" - Reigns. This is really good actually. It is probably a blessing in disguise that the Blizzard of 2015 has hit because this show has done far more for Roman Reigns than his horribly scripted live promos in front of a hate-fuelled audience ever could have. Based on tonight, it seems very, very clear that they are going with this regardless though, fan revolt or otherwise. THE RAW RECAP: Most Entertaining: Brock Lesnar. For his performance in the triple threat. Least Entertaining: The Big Show and Kane. Two guys who need to retire. Quote of the Night: "The people have the power" - Daniel Bryan. Oh, but they don't. Match of the Night: Triple Threat. Which now, as wrong as it may be, will without question be the Raw match of the year. Verdict: It is a tough show to rate due to the nature of it, but it is certainly a unique one. I think many aspects did more for the guys involved than the regular live show would have. WWE seems set in its decision and is sticking to its guns, so let them do what they want to do and suffer the consequences as a result. I actually don't hate the idea of Reigns-Lesnar as much as I did before the show, so in that sense I guess it is a success. The full re-airing of the two biggest matches from Royal Rumble is one that might get them some heat though, and could see fans wanting their money back. We shall see what happens. The non-Rumble portions of this are worth checking out because of how different they are from the norm, though they could have had a lot more fun with the unique setting than they did. An opportunity missed perhaps! Rating: 48 We’re in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Hosts are Michael Cole, JBL & Jerry Lawler.
This is the first PPV I’ve ever watched on the WWE Network. This includes the “Royal Rumble Kick-Off”. The basic replacement for Sunday Night Heat. The mentions of Jim Duggan, along with the “hoo” references in recent weeks, makes me think he’ll be a surprise entrant. Renee Young also points out The Rock is in Philadelphia. See, I stay off social media and WWE.com and all that business and the WWE still puts this on TV! HEY, THERE’S A SURPRISE LATER! You’ll be so surprised, or you would have been if we hadn’t told you. Who books a promotion this way? They probably figure they can’t ignore social media, because they’re in love with Twitter, but just analyse the damn matches. Idiotic stuff. The panel go with Bray Wyatt, Roman Reigns, Rusev (that was Booker T) and Daniel Bryan. Booker T rather surprises me by referencing a recent UFC fight with regard to upsets. Are the WWE officially saying the UFC aren’t competition here? That’s always been the company line but CM Punk and Alberto del Rio both had UFC listed in their no-compete clauses. Interesting. There’s a Shawn Michaels interview on here too, where he makes comparisons between his 1995 and 1996 years and Daniel Bryan’s 2014 and 2015. The New Day vs. Masters of the WWE Universe The Philly crowd is already hot and Cesaro gets a lot of love just for tagging in. Just the suggestion of the Giant Swing gets them on their feet too. Always a good sign for an exciting event. The lack of push for Cesaro has been mystifying during 2014 after the big battle royal win at Wrestlemania XXX. He’s been having great matches though and the Philly fans appreciate that. They’re also, with Chicago (and sometimes New York), the crowd that’s most likely to heel on a face team that doesn’t appeal to them. Soon we hear “New Day sucks” and heat for Big E. He does manage a cool spear on Cesaro off the apron, as if he was going for a tope. Even Kofi gets heat for landing spots on Cesaro, which reflects his popularity. Kofi somehow kicks out of the superplex/Savage Elbow combo. They throw in a lot of near falls for an opening match that isn’t even on the PPV. Cesaro belts Kofi with the uppercut and Tyson wins with the Moss Covered Family Three Handled Credenza. I’m almost shocked the WWE put the right team over, rather than the one they’d invested time into. It’s a booking decision that gets the crowd amped for the PPV. Good match. A lot better than I was expecting. Final Rating: ***1/4 Back at the WWE’s “Social Media Center”, the previously fired wrestlers; Ryback, Ziggler and Rowan answer questions from the fans on Twitter. Ryback says stamina is important. Rowan sulks off because he’s not in the Rumble match. Ziggler looks confident. As we head into the Rumble, the feeling is that it’s a match and event where the WWE can right the wrongs of the last six months of booking. The result of the free-for-all match reflects that. Finally Vince McMahon has tweeted “all in the family”, in an attempt to be all cryptic, complete with a photo of the Rock. I bet you’ll be so surprised when he appears later! PPV Begins. The New Age Outlaws vs. The Ascension Outlaws run through their old shtick. It’s still over. Speaking of over; the Ascension are not. I don’t really understand the WWE’s booking of the team. They invested a lot of time and energy into them on NXT only to bury them as Roadwarriors wannabes as soon as they hit the main roster. To add injury to insult they were then beaten down by a bunch of old guys on Raw. Cole immediately annoys me by pointing out this isn’t for the tag titles. Why would it be? Is he going to point out every other match isn’t for the tag titles too? Incidentally the match absolutely kills the hot crowd because the Ascension, booked badly or not, aren’t very good. It’s weird how the booking here reflects the booking when the Outlaws first hit the tag scene, badmouthing the Legion of Doom. Only they were entertaining doing it. The Ascension are just death. Chinlocks and boredom. The whole ‘heels can’t be entertaining’ thing is bullshit. Billy Gunn looks really good, as good as he’s ever looked, but after the hot tag the Ascension pick him off with the Fall of Man. Really boring match. This could easily have been dumped on the pre-show and switched with the excellent tag match they put on there. Final Rating: * Video Control goes to the Authority who are confused how Sting managed to get into the building on Raw. Oh, logical thought processes? Whatever next? Steph points out this is the House of McMahon, which brings in Paul Heyman for a chat. He’s SERIOUSLY over because this is Philly. The solution to his problems so far has been Brock Lesnar so that should be the solution to Hunter’s Sting problems. Obviously the WWE is angling for Hunter vs. Sting at ‘Mania. The idea they’d try and swerve us with Lesnar vs. Sting is patently ridiculous. WWE Tag Team Championship The Usos (c) vs. The Miz & Damien Mizdow Three tag team matches to start the show? Somebody needs a lesson in running orders. I criticise Indies for this! Mizdow is getting really over but everyone hates Miz so they’re about to split and feud. The trouble is; will Mizdow be over without the mockery of Miz? Will he carry on doing it? The Usos are an ok team, which rather reflects how weak the WWE’s tag team division is. They stand out without much effort at all. They get a few laughs here by doing silly moves just to see how Mizdow apes Miz. It’s really weird that the match is basically ignored and everyone is watching Mizdow messing around on the apron. It almost allows the fans to not notice all the mistakes Miz makes, like bumping clotheslines way early or missing the guy he’s supposed to be catching on a dive. Skull Crushing Finale gets 2. How the mighty have fallen. It’s amazing to think Miz used to be a main event guy and now he can’t beat a tag guy with his finisher. Mizdow hits Skull Crushing Finale and again Miz can’t get a pin. The WWE has an alarming amount of finisher killing nowadays. Miz gets powerbombed and hit with the Superfly Splash and that’ll do it for the champs. Match was ok but largely because of Mizdow goofing around. The interesting aspect of all these tag matches is that the Cesaro & Kidd vs. New Day on the Kick-Off show was far better than both tag matches on the PPV itself. Final Rating: **1/4 Video Control takes us backstage where Joey Mercury explains the Immortals game to Jamie Noble. Seth Rollins isn’t happy about that and points out he’s not the future he’s the “right now”. Big pop from Philly for that. The WWE has two options here; Lesnar or Rollins. Brie & Nikka Bella vs. Natalya & Paige This is the wrestlers vs. the reality stars who are with wrestlers. It’s also completely pointless and only really exists to further the booking of Total Divas. Women’s wrestling, in the WWE, has shown improvement (Charlotte vs. Sasha Banks springs to mind) but when you’ve got the Bellas on one side of the ring the match is always going to struggle. They attempt to make it a wrestling match but it’s slow motion stuff compared to the men and the bored crowd drift easily. The Bellas are just too inexperienced and ineffective to work a long PPV match (at 8 minutes). It must be frustrating for Nattie and Paige as they’re capable of more. Not only that this is the fourth straight tag team match on this show and tag formula heat was dead in 1995 and here it is, 20 years later, still scraping along, dredging the depths of wrestling boredom. The Bellas win by grinding heat to death and isolating Nattie until she gets pinned. So, so, boring. This show is dying. I know it was only a two match card to begin with but the undercard has been dire. Final Rating: DUD WWE World Heavyweight Championship Brock Lesnar (c) vs. John Cena vs. Seth Rollins Cena predictably gets abuse from the moment his music kicks in. There’s no doubt the Philly fans prefer Lesnar to the other two options. Lesnar destroys everything from the bell, including J & J Security. It might as well be a handicap match as he mashes both Cena and Rollins without breaking a sweat. It’s like a suplex exhibition! Cena & Rollins have to team up, it’s the only way to stop Lesnar. FU for Lesnar but he kicks out at ONE and just goes back to destroying both guys. They manage to get Lesnar down on the outside to set up Cena running through his spots to heat only for Brock to come back in and destroy him again! Rollins has to use the ropes to stand any chance along with a stick and move offence. Meanwhile Cena tries to butt heads with the champion, clearly not learning from his previous matches. F5 for Rollins, after he was caught coming off the top in another freakish display of strength, but Cena saves. That gets him destroyed with more suplexes. At this point Brock realises he needs to eliminate one guy to stop the pinfalls being broken up and preps the Spanish table. Cena promptly hits him with THREE FU’s and Rollins breaks the pin. CURB STOMP for Lesnar and Cena breaks that up. Lesnar gets up first so Cena spears him through the rail. Lesnar has now taken five big spots consecutively. If there was ever a chance for one of the other two, it’s now but Brock won’t stay down! Cena has the look of Ivan Drago in Rocky IV. He is made of iron! Cena bashes Lesnar with the ring steps to set up Lesnar on the Spanish table and up goes Seth; SAVAGE ELBOW THROUGH THE ANNOUNCE TABLE! Rollins and Cena have a few tricks left up their sleeve and Rollins flips out of the FU only to get planted with a sitout powerbomb. Rollins innovation mixed with Cena’s power is a great match up. Cena has it won with the STFU but Mercury & Noble save, because there’s no DQ in a three-way match. Meanwhile EMT’s are working on Brock Lesnar. This leads to Cena fighting the odds and numbers game of Seth Rollins. DOUBLE FU ON J & J! FU for Rollins…for 2! Rollins escapes the FU again, twice and hits the CURB STOMP…for 2. Rollins figures he needs something different and goes for the PHOENIX SPLASH but LESNAR IS BACK UP! MORE SUPLEXES! Seth hits him with the briefcase but runs into the F5 and Brock retains in glorious fashion. Insane match. Will very probably be WWE’s match of the year. Best three-way match since TNA’s ones from 2005. It was made believable by Lesnar’s dominance and then injury break. I was expecting a good match but I got epic. Final Rating: ****3/4 Royal Rumble Match #1 is The Miz. #2 is R-Truth. So much for someone getting pushed for being first in. #3 is Bubba Ray Dudley! Former TNA world champion Bully Ray making his first WWE appearance in 10 years (last was ECW One Night Stand in 2005) and it’s in Philly where the Dudleys were made. Truth replaces D-Von in the Dudleys spots; 3-D ON MIZ! He’s out. #4 is Luke Harper. Truth is out. #5 is Bray Wyatt. He’s the first big gun and he pairs up with Harper to throw Bubba out. #6 is Curtis Axel but Eric Rowan jumps him and steals his spot. They tease Harper turning on Bray, which is a cool idea but immediately abandon it and Wyatt throws both of them out. #7 is the Boogeyman. Well, that’s certainly unexpected. Bray is probably the only guy who wouldn’t be freaked out by him and they have a ‘weirding out’ competition. That does not last long and Bray throws Boogeyman out, thus officially establishing himself as the ‘early Rumble dominant guy’. So he’s getting a big push for ‘Mania. #8 is Sin Cara II. He gets Sister Abigail and Bray continues bossing the Rumble. He’s got the whole world in his hands. #9 is Zack Ryder. He doesn’t last long. #10 is DANIEL BRYAN! Business is about to pick up! #11 is Fandango. I love Bryan leading the fans in a YES chant at the same time as the countdown. It’s fantastic crowd participation. Bryan even busts out the airplane spin on the newcomer. It’s not over like Cesaro’s giant swing. Pity. #12 is Tyson Kidd. #13 is Stardust. Bryan puts Kidd out. Bray goes through the ropes so Bryan hits him with a tope. JBL stops off to call Mil Mascaras a “dummy” (referencing the 1997 Royal Rumble where Mil eliminated himself by hitting a dive off the top). #14 is DDP! WWE looking to bust out the surprises tonight. I like it. DIAMOND CUTTER for Stardust. Shame about the spastic camerawork, which is the WWE’s attempt to ruin every single ringside shot. CUTTER for Fandango. CUTTER for Bray! BANG! #15 is Rusev. He blocks the Diamond Cutter and throws DDP out. Fandango too, as a virtual afterthought. Bryan working Bray and Rusev is fantastic stuff but then Bray throws Bryan out and the crowd do NOT like that. He was only out there for 10 minutes. #16 is Goldust and the fans turn on the match. And it had been going so well up to this point. LOUD “Daniel Bryan” chants follow. #17 is Kofi Kingston and even he gets booed because the WWE have really fucked up on the Daniel Bryan booking. BOOOOOOOO. That’s all the crowd are doing. It doesn’t help that the match grinds to a halt. Lots of rope hugging. #18 is Adam Rose. The purpose is obviously so the Rosebuds can help Kofi and they do that spot immediately with Kingston getting thrown to them and being carried around the ring back in. Rose is thrown out by Rusev and you’d think the Rosebuds would catch their own guy but no. Having done his ‘spot’ Kofi gets thrown out by Rusev. #19 is Roman Reigns and predictably Philly hate him as he’s the ‘chosen one’. I don’t know what the WWE was thinking here and the fans, who’d already turned on the match just shit all over it. Worse than last year. You pushed Roman too hard, too fast and nobody wants to know. #20 is Big E. BOOOOO. #21 is Damien Mizdow. Miz stops him, drawing a tonne of heat and Mizdow shows some wonderful conflicted emotions before entering. So obviously, they’ve got someone over, and Rusev throws him out. Mizdow stops off to mimic the angry Miz for one last pop. I have no idea what they’ll do with Mizdow because he’s gotten really over but there’s nowhere for him to go. #22 is Jack Swagger. The crowd have stopped aimlessly booing now, perhaps interested to see where the WWE is going with this and hoping it’s not Reigns. #23 is Ryback. He gets heat until he clotheslines Reigns. The big question is now; have the WWE learned anything from last year's debacle? The crowd switch to chanting for “CM Punk” to show their dissatisfaction. That’d be highly unlikely. #24 is Kane. Too many guys in there, not much happening. #25 is Dean Ambrose. He gets the crowd’s support and they’d buy him as a winner. #26 is Titus O’Neil. Urgh, what a waste of a slot. They even botch his elimination as the former Shield guys knock him out. #27 is Bad News Barrett. Way too many guys out there now. The Rumble has become a congested mess. #28 is Cesaro. He doesn’t get the reaction I was hoping for, which is disappointing. Maybe he should have gone after Reigns instead of Ambrose. Rusev gets rid of Big E. #29 is the Big Show. More booing from Philly followed by a “let’s got Ziggler” chant. Ryback goes, as does Swagger. #30 is Dolph Ziggler and a bevy of superkicks. One of which eliminates Barrett. GIANT SWING for Ziggler! It occurs to me NXT got shafted with no guest appearances. Cesaro goes out to little fanfare as Ziggler survives on the apron a few times. Show knocks Ziggler unconscious with his punch and he and Kane dump him. Crowd do NOT care for that. They dump Bray Wyatt out too as the booking goes completely into the toilet. FINAL FOUR: Big Show, Kane, Roman Reigns & Dean Ambrose. Crowd is so quiet it might set a new record for lack of decibels at this point in the Rumble. Ambrose gets quietly thrown out and the fans absolutely SHIT on the match. It’s a booking disaster. A repeat of last year, which was an abject failure on all levels. Predictably the crowd loudly chant BULLSHIT because it is. The aim is clearly to get the fans to cheer for the WWE’s chosen one, Reigns, but they’re not playing along and just hate everything. Reigns wins. BOOOOOOO. Do the WWE even have the faintest idea what the fans think of their product? Second year running they’ve botched the Rumble. But that’s not all because THE ROCK (what a surprise…that would have been if they’d not announced it) is here, by way of apology to the fans to hit moves on Kane. Rusev then magically appears as he never got eliminated. Reigns throws him out to confirm that Roman is going to Wrestlemania. Started great, went south in the middle and was just a disaster in the final third. Final Rating: *1/2 Verdict: Short version: Fantastic title match. Everything else is garbage. Long version: There were moments on the show where it seemed like the WWE had been paying attention to their own failures in the past. Cesaro & Tyson Kidd winning on the pre-show is an example. Maybe they are going to put the right people over in 2015. The undercard was largely worthless but the momentum was altered by an awesome, show-stealing WWE title match. If there’s a better match in a WWE (not NXT) ring this year I’ll be surprised. It had everything you’d expect from a big title match. Big spots, big performances and the right outcome. This match made Lesnar look indestructible. It made Rollins look like a main event guy in losing and it showed how John Cena could be used to get other guys over. Perfect booking all round. But they had to go and ruin all that good will with the Rumble match itself. What an unspeakable disaster it was. The fans had made it abundantly clear they didn’t want Roman Reigns to win. Abundantly clear. The vast majority of the fans wanted Daniel Bryan to win. When the vast majority of the fans want a certain outcome, it’s unwise to book against them. It’d be booking Hogan to not win the title when he was hot. Or Austin. Imagine the 1998 Royal Rumble if instead of going with the obvious choice, in Austin, the WWF had decided to put over someone who they really wanted to get over. Like Bradshaw. Or Mark Henry. It might sound ludicrous but that’s basically what they’ve done here. Last year they made a big mistake by assuming the fans would buy into Batista’s comeback but they wanted the guy they’d invested their time in; Daniel Bryan. WWE decided they knew better and booked Batista to win anyway and ended up having to fire-fight and back-track and get Bryan into the match and win it. It saved Wrestlemania XXX. Imagine that show without Bryan’s matches? But here we are, 12 months later, and the WWE has learned nothing at all. We want to push Roman Reigns. BOOOOOO. No, we don’t think you understand, we want to push Roman Reigns. BOOOOO. But look at him, he’s big and strong. BOOOOO. Well, fuck you, he’s winning anyway. BOOOOOOOOOOOO. The WWE’s stubborn desire to push big guys regardless of what the fans want is indicative of their inability to connect to a modern audience. Vince’s mentality, when it comes to main eventers, is stuck in the steroid-driven 1980s. It’s 2015. The fans don’t want that anymore. They’re aware wrestling is a work. They want good matches, not muscular dudes. The exception being guys like Brock Lesnar, who are both. This Reigns thing won’t end well and I feel bad for Roman because he’s a decent worker but he’s not ready for this spot. Rating: 55 It’s Martin Luther King Day so the WWE start off with a tribute to a man who didn’t want people to be judged by the colour of their skin. Which is exactly what WWE fail to understand. Their faction The New Day is a classic example of this, as it’s three black guys, in a stable together, because they’re black. Martin Luther King would have hated it.
We’re in Dallas, Texas. Hosts are Michael Cole, JBL and Booker T. This is the go-home show for the Royal Rumble. Tonight is also Raw Reunion, whatever that means, so a bunch of old-timers will be back. Promo Time: Paul Heyman & Brock Lesnar Brock shuts down Heyman’s usual introduction to call out Seth Rollins. Brock’s assertion that when he shows up it’s “business time” makes me chuckle, because it reminds me of the Flight of the Conchords song. Rollins doesn’t show up, but Triple H does. Lesnar threatens him so out comes Steph, Kane and the Big Show. That in turn is interrupted by Seth Rollins from the Titantron. “This will be between the adults, if you don’t mind” – Heyman. Paul goes to “spoil” the Rumble by saying Brock will win, but now out comes John Cena. His promo is deathly dull and he has to resort to cheap pops to wake Dallas up. Everybody talks some more and we eventually get to the point: if Cena wins at the Rumble then Ziggler, Ryback and the other guy get their jobs back. Hunter changes that, and tonight Cena has a match. If he wins the fired guys are back, if he loses he’s out of the title match at the Rumble. These twenty minute opening promos are so boring. It took them eighteen minutes to get to the point. I wouldn’t mind, but it’s been the same way every week, every year since Attitude. I hated it then and I hate it now. It only works when someone actually has something to say. Here it just came down t; Cena vs. The Authority… again. If that wasn’t spectacularly boring enough, Michael Cole explains how to install the WWE App on an Android phone. Bray Wyatt vs. Daniel Bryan Now this is how they should have opened the show! Great to see Bryan back in a WWE ring after his serious injury during 2014. Bryan dominates with kicks and hits a dive, showing he’s not scared of being injured again. Then Korporate Kane strolls out WITH HIS MUSIC PLAYING to watch. Why play his music? There’s a fucking match going on! The distraction allows "Idiotic Babyface Guy" to be jumped by the heel. Bray works the neck as Cole suggests Bryan might draw #1 in the Rumble, so that’s happening. The neck being the focus gives Bryan something to sell throughout and Bray amuses himself by smacking him with a massive LARIATOOOOOO. Despite the match being a touch off Bryan’s best, due to his slight rust after such a long absence, the crowd are still into it. Kane interferes and Sister Abigail finishes. I get they’re building a hill for Bryan to climb but you always worry where WWE is going with their booking. This made Daniel look weak. If a guy who hates the babyface is standing at ringside, then surely someone like Cena should know about it and wouldn’t let it cost him the match. I just hope they’re not building to Bryan vs. Kane at WrestleMania because that would suck. Final Rating: **3/4 Post Match: Bryan gets his heat back... by letting Kane pound the crap out of him for a while. The crowd will still cheer Bryan, WWE, regardless of how often you book him this weakly. The one positive is this at least logically builds to Kane vs. Bryan on SmackDown where if Kane wins, Bryan is out of the Rumble match. Not that the WWE would dare do that after hyping the Rumble itself based on Daniel Bryan being in it. Backstage: Triple H hangs out with Scott Hall and Kevin Nash, which is strange because they’re being faces but Hunter can’t be, and when Shawn Michaels comes in it’s even more palpable how awkward it is that Hunter is a heel. Damien Waltmandow completes the Kliq, only for the actual Sean Waltman to show up. The Miz doesn’t care for that. This segment was painfully forced. Damien Sandow was the only good thing about it. Royal Rumble Legends Panel Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair and Shawn Michaels are here to chat about the forthcoming Royal Rumble. I don’t envy them. Shawn gets blown up during his entrance, which is supposed to be funny but no one laughs because he’s clearly in far better shape than anyone else in the ring. The legends are quizzed on potential Rumble winners. Shawn’s pick for is Bray Wyatt (which draws heat). Hogan doesn’t agree and Michaels is all, “here we go, SummerSlam 2005, here we go BROTHER” before backing down, trying to follow on from the earlier joke to still no reaction. That is the problem with having the whole show pre-written. Hogan picks Daniel Bryan, jack (you can tell this was scripted from that alone). Flair picks Dean Ambrose and that gets the biggest pop. Big Show takes umbrage at not being mentioned and joins us. Shawn hiding behind Hogan is funny. Show accuses the legends of jealousness before calling them has-beens. Flair chops him for it and gets knocked out. Roman Reigns runs down for the save. I honestly thought they were going to do something monumentally stupid here (like Shawn, Hogan and Flair beat up Show for cheap pops. I even had the order figured out; superkick, leg drop, figure four). Instead they used the segment to put Roman over. He could have used endorsement from the legends (none of whom picked him), but this didn’t hurt. More importantly he didn’t speak, he just kicked ass. It was a very long segment but at least it ended with a fight and nobody from the active roster got buried. The biggest problem with the "chat" was how forced and scripted it felt. You’ve got three legitimate legends out there and all they’re doing is reading the same boring lines that everyone else reads. It is virtual proof that hardly anyone in wrestling history would have gotten over with this creative team behind them. Royal Rumble Possibilities: Seeing as they discussed possible Rumble winners, let’s take a look at that while we still can. Basically the WWE has three options and none of them are good. Option #1: Daniel Bryan This is the most likely plan as Bryan can provide WrestleMania with a much-needed over main event. He’ll always have that crowd love and, let’s face it, he should have won the Rumble last year. Having him win this year would be a way to atone for that. The problem is, they already did atone for that at WrestleMania XXX, so they’d just be re-treading their own fire-fighting with this option. Option #2: Roman Reigns This seemed like a no-brainer for a while. Reigns was really popular after the Shield collapsed and has the size, power and look that WWE is after. He was hand-picked to join the Shield and he’s the guy the WWE want as champion. The problem is, his momentum has waned, the fans have turned on him and the writing for him, promos especially, has been dire of late. If he wins the Rumble there’s a chance the crowd will turn on him. He’d be better off losing to Bryan, getting frustrated and turning heel. It’s a lot easier to buy a wrestler as a champion the first time around as a heel. The only stumbling block with that would be Seth Rollins. Option #3: Dean Ambrose This is the long shot, but the fact Flair mentioned him and got popped for doing so shows the WWE has a slight inclination to consider him. The problem with this choice is the booking has left Ambrose looking fairly useless of late. It might turn out to be their best option as he got over without the office’s help, but the booking has killed him. WWE has effectively painted themselves into a corner and then let Vince McMahon have the paintbrush. Bad News Barrett vs. Dean Ambrose I’d like to see the WWE use the IC title as a TV title and have it defended every week on Raw. It’d give the belt some much needed prestige, seeing as nobody cares about it as it is and the champion does needless jobs. Barrett’s title is not on the line. Ambrose sells the knee here, even though Barrett doesn’t go after it. Barrett instead goes after the Bull Hammer, which is blocked and Wasteland, which is countered into Dirty Deeds for Ambrose to win. Another job for the reigning IC champion. On the upside, at least they didn’t pointlessly beat Ambrose again. Final Rating: *1/4 The New Day vs. Masters of the WWE Universe Cesaro’s freakish power combines with Kidd’s flying to create the kind of double teams that Roderick Strong & Jack Evans used to innovate. The match is 99% Cesaro & Kidd, and they look great, but Kofi gets a fluke pin on Cesaro for the win. This was depressing. Final Rating: * Promo Time: nWo Kevin Nash, Scott Hall and Sean Waltman represent the faction. Apparently “three great gentlemen who changed this business” according to JBL. Yeah, I bet that’s exactly what he was calling them in the nineties. “…Hey, yo”. Nash whores himself out to shill the Network before taking credit for the entire Attitude Era. “We are probably responsible for everything great that has ever been created” – Nash. Their rambling is interrupted by The Ascension. Nash kills them with smirks and shrugs. You started out as a goddamn bodyguard. Show a little respect. JBL jumps up off commentary to BURY the Ascension. He pulls his shirt off to reveal an APA t-shirt and out comes Faarooq! That’s interrupted by the New Age Outlaws, cheap popping their way to the ring with Dallas Cowboys t-shirts. Ascension take a beating and WWE might as well release them now because they’re done. This was fun but at the expense of poor Konnor and Victor. Paige & Natalya vs. Summer Rae & Alicia Fox The girls, sorry “divas”, put in a decent shift. There are no botches and the Paige & Natalya team get to look good ahead of the Rumble. Incidentally they’re wrestling the charisma-void Bellas, whose monotonous commentary dragged this one down. Paige submits Alicia for the win. Final Rating: ¾* Rusev vs. R-Truth R-Truth is the linear WWE Champion* so we could be in for a significant title change here. Rusev mashes Ron Killings (on his birthday) and beats him with the Camel Clutch. Final Rating: SQUASH (Not rated) *The WWE linear title is determined by all singles match outcomes being title changes. Sometimes the actual WWE champion is the linear champion, but at the moment it’s R-Truth. Well, now it’s Rusev. Backstage: Brock Lesnar hopes Seth Rollins puts Cena out of the title match at the Rumble so he can get paid to take Seth out. Seth sells Brock like Arnold Schwarzenegger sold the Predator. Lots of sweating and heavy breathing. Jay Uso vs. The Miz JBL making fun of Cole for saying the Rumble might come down to Miz and Mizdow is good stuff. The best thing about watching the Miz is watching Mizdow selling the match better than Miz, only outside the ring. So much so that the camera focuses on him, and I don’t mind! Jay promptly beats Miz clean with a Superfly Splash. Hey, remember when Miz main evented WrestleMania? Final Rating: * Backstage: Hulk Hogan gets asked about John Cena’s chances tonight. He predicts Cena will win the WWE title, brother. So that’s what gonna happen, jack. Oh, and Ascension vs. Outlaws is actually happening at the Rumble. Good lord. John Cena vs. Seth Rollins, Big Show & Kane So if Cena wins, Ziggler, Ryback and Rowan are back. If he loses he’s out of the WWE title match at the Rumble. Naturally we get the standard “Let’s go Cena” chant from the kids and “Cena sucks” from the adults. The whole match is Cena fighting against the odds and is dominated by the Authority goons. It’s actually Triple H, watching from ringside who makes the headlines though, by accidentally making a little kid cry by being too much of a heel. Like Chuck Taylor. Hunter is quick to make amends and consoles the poor kid for his heelness. See, he’s a good guy. Kayfabe be damned! Shame about the match. Luckily Seth gets quite a lot of it and gets to look good at Cena’s expense. Even if he’s blatantly beaten clean with the FU only for Kane to pull the ref out. The match grinds to a halt though as STING appears on the Titantron for his first appearance on Raw. The distracted Rollins gets rolled up and Cena wins, thus reinstating the fired trio of wrestlers from two weeks ago. Final Rating: ** Post Match: Triple H gets the mic and yells at Sting while the crowd chant “YES”. “STIIIIIINNNG”. Hunter sold the shit out of Sting’s appearance here. Not quite like with Mick Foley being Cactus Jack, but that’s the importance of Hunter’s reaction. Brock Lesnar runs down to add to the misery for the Authority by laying out Seth and kicking his ass. F5 for Kane. F5 for Show. Rollins runs, Lesnar sets down a marker. Shame the WWE saved all the fun stuff on this show for the last three minutes or so. THE RAW RECAP: Most Entertaining: Daniel Bryan. Least Entertaining: Stephanie McMahon. Hunter redeemed himself selling for Sting, and Cena put in a decent shift in the main, so the only culprit for the opening twenty minutes of boredom is Steph. Quote of the Night: “When I show up it's business time, baby” – Brock Lesnar. Match of the Night: Daniel Bryan vs. Bray Wyatt. Verdict: James is of the opinion this was a better than usual Raw, due to the involvement of the "legends". I don’t quite agree with that. The booking on the show was weird. When bringing an assortment of high-profile names in, surely the aim is to enhance your existing talent and try to improve your product? So what did they do with Hulk Hogan? Shawn Michaels? Kevin Nash? Scott Hall? X-Pac? Dull in-ring talking where nobody got over and nobody on the roster got the rub. That’s five guys they brought in, probably at quite the cost, for nothing at all. The only guy who took a bump was Ric Flair and that was to put over Big Show, as if he needs it. The ongoing booking was bizarre too, as the last two weeks have meant nothing. Ziggler, Ryback and Rowan are all re-hired and Cena is still in the Rumble main event. It all felt like a bit of a waste. The bad overwhelmed the good. The opening twenty minute conversation with nothing happening and no confrontations was unbelievably bad. There was way too much talking on the show in general. The IC champion losing in a non-title match was a bad idea too. The IC champ shouldn’t be jobbing at all, for the good of a belt that’s been booked so badly. You don’t improve matters by booking the champion as a loser, again. Rusev is still being booked strong, but it’s gotten to the point where they don’t know where to take him, other than squashing people. Even the main event, which is the one time WWE got the reactions they wanted and the right results, was with the wrong guy. John Cena, again, two weeks after getting everyone fired and a week after failing to get them re-hired. Cena, Cena, Cena, Cena, Cena. Hey, tune into Raw next week to see what happens to John Cena! It’s gotten to the point where it’s a three hour weekly show to put over John Cena, and that’s working oh so wonderfully well for everybody over the age of twelve. Rating: 39 As of late the once vibrant and exciting Raw show, which once upon a time was must-see programming for all wrestling fans, has become a drab, uninspired chore. In an era where the success of television due to the revenue it generates means more than ever, WWE had managed to turn fans off its product in droves with repetitive, predictable programming, intensely dislikeable acts and a dearth of fresh ideas. Vince McMahon recently told his roster to reach for a brass ring and make a name for themselves, but the very nature of the micro-managed, overly-scripted world of Corporate Wrestling makes that an impossibility.
Hosts are the newly announced permanent announce team of Michael Cole, JBL and Booker T, with WWE having announced midweek that Jerry Lawler would now be on SmackDown! They have been looking to get him off of Raw for ages, though why they would choose Booker as his replacement is something I can't explain. Promo Time: John Cena And speaking of a lack of fresh ideas, here comes John Cena in the opening segment. Last week his decision to save Edge from Seth Rollins by bringing back the Authority resulted in his Survivor Series team mates Ryback, Dolph Ziggler and Eric Rowan getting fired. He cost three men their livelihoods. Tonight, naturally, he is all smiles, bouncing to the ring with the pep of a cheerleader. Apparently Triple H will only be remembered as a "slimy, power-hungry sociopath" because of his decision to fire the aforementioned trio. I am pretty sure most fans are going to remember him that way anyway. Cena thinks it is still December and invokes pantomime season by asking the fans to sing along answers to his questions. "Do you like Dolph Ziggler?" "Yeah!" "Did he deserve to be fired?" "Noooo!" What is this? Cena wants us to express our collective outrage by having the term "Authority Sucks" TREND ON TWITTER! Yes folks, on Twitter. Can you imagine Steve Austin in his pomp settling a score by trying to start a trend on social media? Hell no, he would grab a crossbow and go hunting. In fact, that is exactly what he did! Cena decides that he will win his three-way at the Royal Rumble and then... will fuck off and not turn up at WrestleMania, leaving WWE without a title match. Way to take a big fat dump all over the fans, dickhead. What a babyface. Bored of listening to Cena's endless ramblings which everyone knows are all hot air and no action, Smug and Smugger, otherwise known as the Authority, wander out for a confab. Steph, of all people, mocks Cena for the Twitter threat, which has to be a new low for Cena. Why does he agree to let himself be booked to look like such a complete moron? Hunter carries on the Cena burial, noting that he knew the terms of the Survivor Series stipulation so he has nothing to complain about. Which is true. Hey, why is Hunter getting himself over at the expense of the company's top babyface? Give yourself a point if you answered, "Because the writers are brown-nosing sycophants." Hunter tells Cena that he can nullify last week's firings if he wins his match tonight against Seth Rollins. Wow, ONE WEEK and they are already voiding their own stipulations. I guess we should be please that the Authority were off TV for as long as they were. Triple H amuses me by contradicting himself almost within the same sentence, telling us the match between Cena and Rollins is a simple one-on-one match... which is now a lumberjack match! So, not a simple one-on-one match at all. All of the heels come out to serve as the jacks and the match is taking place right now. Lumberjack Match John Cena vs. Seth Rollins Even though we have been at commercial break for three minutes, we still have to sit through Seth Rollins' entrance when we return. Couldn't they have just done that already to get it out of the way? If you took the entrances out of Raw, it would shave at least twenty minutes. Given that they are wrestling each other on pay-per-view in a few weeks, this is pretty basic. The story is the age old "lumberjacks favour the heel and attack the babyface", though at this point you could put Super Cena in a handicap elimination match against the lot of them and he would still come out on top. Nobody buys him being in any peril, and frankly no-one cares. I have never seen the response to WWE so tepid at this time of the year. Not just tonight, but for the past few months. There is every chance that WrestleMania will be an absolute washout unless they get their act together soon and make people care about the product again. Cena mounts his usual comeback and they do a fairly tasty sequence by WWE standards into the AA, but then Cena manages to undo it all by throwing two of the phoniest looking punches you will ever see when J& J Security jump on the apron to prevent the count. Honestly, there for feet rather than inches between his fist and their face. Cena brings the lucha with an unrefined top rope dive onto the jacks, which does actually get a reaction from New Orleans. They exchange near falls, then Cena cuts Rollins off up top with another lame punch. Rollins manages to switch again and powerbombs Cena into the buckles, and the real-life Superman responds with a sloppy powerbomb of his own for another two count. A trade of fisticuffs occurs which would be embarrassing for kids pretending to wrestle in the playground, then Rollins evades the AA and hits a standing sliced bread for a two. Cena recovers, again, and connects with the AA but gets pulled out by the lumberjacks. "It's a mugging," screeches Cole. It means nothing though because Cena immediately avoids the curb stomp and locks on the STF. The jacks get involved again and Big Show hits his knockout punch, which finally gives Rollins the win. Jesus Christ it only took a dozen guys. This was so sloppy that it was hard to suspend any disbelief whatsoever, and structurally it was all over the place. Just moves and then selling, but not in a dramatic way at all. Hey, let's take the positive from this: at least the firings still stand and might yet last longer than a week! Final Rating: *1/2 "Cena is not the hero tonight," laments Cole, but then happily reminds us that he will be back later on for a contract signing with Lesnar and Rollins. Great. The first forty minutes of the show have been all Cena, but by all means let's wheel him out again. Backstage, the Usos are stood with Steph. She tells them that any resentment they have towards the Authority for firing their friends should be directed at Cena, because it is his fault. "Is that it? No other punishment?" asks Jay like a naughty schoolboy pleased to have escaped from teacher with only a lecture. Steph says it is, but tells Jimmy to inform his wife Naomi that she will be wrestling tonight with one hand tied behind her back. In the middle of this, Dean Ambrose appears and waits his turn. He gets told off for being unruly and erratic. Dean plays innocent, but Steph introduces a doctor who is there to assess his psychological profile, warning he might be kicked out of the Royal Rumble. Ambrose, like all unhinged lunatics, listens quietly and meekly accepts his fate. Three emasculations of top babyfaces from the non-wrestling female heel in one segment? Impressive. Elsewhere, The Miz and Damien Mizdow impress put over the Slammys ahead of the Golden Globes. Now to Dr. Corbett and Dean Ambrose. Ambrose is told to relax, but a ticking clock causes him some sort of seizure and he stares into it unblinkingly while pulling a whimsical facial expression. A few months ago some were championing him as the next Steve Austin, a sure-fire main event star who could be the anti-hero of the Millennial generation. Those fools. The New Day vs. The Masters of the WWE Universe Time for the standard "generic tag match" that always gets put in this pre-channel hopping spot. At least it is screen time for the horribly underutilised Cesaro and Tyson Kidd. Hey remember this time last year when some were championing Cesaro as... Oh, forget it. The New Day duo today is comprised of Kofi Kingston and Xavier Woods! Yes, Woods gets to wrestle! The Masters have all the intangibles need to make a great team, and if WWE had any faith in either of them or a clue how to book tag team wrestling, they would flourish. I will be amazed if they are even still together in six months. Scratch that: three months. They do a sweet giant swing into a Kidd low dropkick, and a bunch of other neat double team stuff that shows great chemistry for a relatively newly formed team. Apparently they have been to the Performance Center all week working on new stuff, which is a creditable dedication to the craft. How are they rewarded for that? By losing cleanly to the anachronistic no-hope team. The New Day desperately try and get the crowd into their gimmick, but no one gives a tiny rat's ass. Not a single one. What even is their gimmick anyway? They are all black guys who dress in blue, and they shout the name of their team a lot while doing a funky dance. Why should I care? Why should anyone care? Final Rating: 3/4* Michael Cole then shares the news of the announcement broke by TMZ and WWE.com earlier in the day that Macho Man Randy Savage is "expected to be" announced for the annual Hall of Fame later in the broadcast. What a strange way of putting it. We then cut to a series of pre-taped mini-vignettes of current roster members doing Macho Man impressions. Roman Reigns is tremendous at it, Daniel Bryan doesn't seem to know where he is, and the New Day go for comedy but fail miserably. More on this later I guess, but my God is this long, long overdue. [Note: For the full story about why it has taken so long for Vince McMahon to finally bow to public pressure and accept Randy Savage in his Hall of Fame, check out Titan Sinking, which dedicates an entire chapter to delineating the tale] We get footage of some football team doing Ric Flair's full "limousine riding" routine courtesy of TMZ, used as a promotional vehicle for "Raw Reunion" next week which features Ric Flair, Hulk Hogan, Shawn Michaels and Scott Hall. Not Kevin Nash though, because WWE pulled him from the line-up following his unsavoury Christmas Eve bust up with his son which landed him in jail. Mitigating circumstances or not, WWE is ultra protective of its image and carte blanche refuses to use anyone facing charges for domestic abuse. So, no nWo reunion next week, sadly. The use of this Flair footage does beg the question why WWE refused to use any of the similar and far more pertinent Daniel Bryan stuff that was doing the rounds last year though. Promo Time: The Big Show Is he going to turn for a thirty-third time? No, he is going to talk about being at the top of the food chain. Yeah, whatever, maybe at the front of the queue in a food court. Show tries to make himself relevant by referencing having beaten Hulk Hogan on his debut. TWENTY YEARS AGO! "You're losers," he tells the crowd, in a desperate attempt at generating cheap heat. He talks about attitudes towards new employees at work, which leads him in a roundabout way to Roman Reigns. He is hardly a "new guy", he has been around for over two years now. When Show says he "dominates the WWE," he is barely able to keep a straight face. The moral of this story is that Roman Reigns fans are losers. That son-of-a-bitch! How dare he. Cue Reigns' music, and good lord he has a mic in his hand. For those who missed it, on SmackDown he used the phrase "sufferin' succotash". The poor guy is then forced to regale us in a squeaky voice with the tale of a little boy called Roman, who planted some magic beans and grew a beanstalk, but the cowardly giant ran away. "This is ridiculous," mouths Big Show, and for once I agree with him. Reigns is absolutely dying out there. Vince has turned him into an organically popular badass into a pandering John Cena facsimile. And the fans are beginning to turn on him too, as evident from the smattering of boos he is getting here. I foresee a repeat of last year's Royal Rumble in two weeks, with Reigns in the Batista spot and Daniel Bryan once again as the man the fans are determined to get over. Hey remember a few months ago when Roman Reigns was... Oh, what's the use? Roman Reigns vs. Luke Harper Harper has also suffered a major downturn in fortunes this year following his random and unexplained split from the over and effective Wyatt Family. WWE just keep knocking them out of the park don't they? Reigns shouldn't be working long matches with big stiffs, he should be doing hot matches with good workers who can carry him or demolishing opponents a'la Goldberg, Ryback, Kane when he first started, or anyone else who has ever got over. Reigns was great in the Shield because they were dominant. Now with each passing week he is losing momentum and being made to look like a chump, thanks to the inanely penned ramblings of an out-of-touch Vince McMahon. Unless there is an insurgence, which will never happen, Vince and his stubborn ways will do serious damage to this company before he dies. He needs to realise that as a near seventy-year-old man, he cannot write scripts for thirty-year-old guys, or connect with audiences two or three generations removed from him. This match helps Reigns none at all. It is plodding and boring, lacking in any heat or intensity. Back at Elimination Chamber in February last year they were on opposite sides of the ring for one of the best WWE matches of the year, a trios match pitting the Shield against the Wyatt Family. Harper looked good, some even (wrongly) compared him to the late, great Bruiser Brody. Back to this "great match-up" (JBL) and Big Show is still at ringside and gets involved, nearly causing Reigns the match. He is the chosen one though, so like Cena he cannot be beaten easily. He breaks out his standard arsenal but another Show distraction causes him to get drilled with a Harper superkick for a near fall. Reigns counters with a spear and that is it. Show jumps Reigns after the match and knocks him out with his fat fist of fury, which is just another swell way to build the man destined for the WWE Title. Final Rating: 1/2* Backstage, there is no audio but it looks for all the world like Jimmy and Naomi are playing a frustrating game of charades. Elsewhere, Miz and Mizdow again talk the Globes. Mizdow tells Miz that he had cameras all over his house that he has been using to secretly film him. Oh, I cannot wait for that surely rib-tickling footage. Naomi vs. Alicia Fox Naomi had one hand tied behind her back as previously stipulated, but even with that handicap she remains twice the worker that the obnoxious Fox is. She really winds me up, because she has been around the main roster for more the seven years and yet she still appears to have a limited at best grasp on what pro wrestling even is, never mind how to perform it. Her facial expressions, body movements and selling are so forced and unnatural that it makes me cringe. Even by the abyss-low standards set by the Divas division, she is the shits. Backstage, the Usos stand and watch the monitor and shake their head. Why does no one ever sit and watch the monitor? And why is no one ever watching it when secret devious schemes are afoot? The crowd is utterly silent for this crap, though credit to Naomi for trying to work within the limitations. She actually does a decent job of it, until Alicia wins with a scissors kick to the back. That means we get the delight of hearing the frankly unacceptable aural assault that is Alicia's music. Double win! Final Rating: 1/4* Back in the doctor's office, Deranged Dean is given the old picture association test. Rather than ink blots that look like butterflies, Dr. Corbett shows him pictures of members of the roster. Triple H? "Irritable bowel syndrome". Seth Rollins? "Scumbag". Roman Reigns? "Brother". Kane? "Toothpaste". Hacksaw Jim Duggan? "Hoooooo". Stephanie McMahon? "Hoooooo" Ha, I like that. This was fairly funny actually. Dean Ambrose is one of a very select few who can make the WWE's puerile scripted comedy come across as mildly entertaining. Promo Time: Brock Lesnar & Paul Heyman Well, just Paul Heyman really with Brock standing there looking cross. He is probably embarrassed to be a part of this farce of a promotion and counting down the days until he can walk free and back into a series of big money UFC matches. Heyman reminds us that Lesnar beat the Undertaker at WrestleMania, not that anyone who saw it will ever forget. They sure have done a good job of promoting Lesnar since he ended over twenty years of a legacy haven't they? Is he a bigger star now than he was going into that match? No. Hell, is he a bigger star than he was when he first returned a few years ago? Not at all. Heyman reminds us of Lesnar's various accomplishments, but we have heard it all before. When your champion only appears sparingly he should be utilised in the best possible way, not performing the role of nodding automaton. Literally ever program he has been involved in since he came back to WWE has followed the same strict, linear progression. He beats someone up once in a while to set up a match, Heyman puts him over, they do the match, he disappears. What a waste of money. The point of this segment? To hype the contract signing later in the night. Talk about a redundant use of time. More Macho Man impressions next. Miz is great, the Bellas suck, Santino is unbearable, Dean Ambrose coughs, Jimmy Uso is good. Cena isn't bad, Kane won't play along. The Mix vs. Jey Uso As usual the brilliant Mizdow steals the match with his genius comedy on the outside, though frankly he is not a patch on Kota Ibushi, one of the finest wrestlers on the planet who once showed his whimsical side by contesting an epic contest with a blow-up doll in madcap promotion DDT. This lasts all of two minutes before a Miz skull crushing finale for the win. Nothing match. Final Rating: DUD Next week the WWE Network arrives in the UK, at the higher price point of £9.99. Believe me, anyone in the UK who wanted the Network has already got it. Promo Time: Daniel Bryan New Orleans is into Bryan, far more than anything else on the show but with nowhere near the level of visceral passion that he was generating a year ago. He reminds us - after pretending to forget - that last time he was in the city he won the WWE Title in the main event of WrestleMania. He says he is not only in the Royal Rumble this year, but that he intends to win it. The nails on chalkboard opening strains of Stephanie McMahon's music hits, and she wanders out clutching her new fitness DVD to an amusing chorus of "Hoooooooo" catcalls from the crowd. Nice one, Dean. Steph condescendingly offers him a copy of the DVD so he can keep fit, because mocking real life serious injuries is fun, folks. Steph does her best to belittle Bryan, reminding us that last time we saw him in April he was getting stretchered out after a ringside attack from Kane, and noting that an "A+" player not only wins the big one but defends it. Bryan doesn't take the bait and leads the crowd in a "Yes" chant, before deviating from the script and channelling Hacksaw with a "Hooooooo" shout and the trademark thumbs up. I hope this little taunt stays around. Steph tells Bryan that he won't be returning at the Royal Rumble but rather on SmackDown against Kane. I get why they are doing that, because it is a good way to push the move to Thursday and it makes sense to pay this off. It also gives Bryan a chance to get into ring shape before the Rumble. Kane heads out and the two have a wild brawl, with Bryan doing some fairly risky things for a guy fresh out of recovery. It is going to be hard watching him for a few weeks because his style lends itself to potential injury, and based on this he has no intention of slowing it down at all. Decent enough for a segment involving Steph. Backstage, Brock Lesnar bumps into Seth Rollins and the two exchange barbs. It's good, the closest thing to intense on the whole show. Rollins says he is the future, and Lesnar tells him that he will decide when the future starts. Which will be in about eleven weeks when his contract expires. Heyman tells them to work together to take out Cena and then fight each other. Not that you can do that in a WWE triple threat match. Paige vs. Brie Bella This exists to shoot angle footage for Total Divas, which will then morph into some sort of alternate reality "real-life" story. The way they do Total Divas is wacky, but it is actually the best scripted entertainment show WWE have, far more interesting than Raw and an enjoyable guilty pleasure if you take it for what it is. The problem it has is the quality of the wrestling it is partly built around, and Brie is a prime example of that. On the show she is likeable and interesting, with a personality and everything. On Raw she is vapid and pointless, a template Diva cut and paste job complete with a routine that doesn't change. The most cringe worthy is her bizarre Hulking Up on the ropes as she shouts "BRIE MODE" like a video game character activating her special move. You would think being married to super-worker Daniel Bryan would rub off on her, but no. To further a Total Divas angle, Natty and Tyson Kidd are at ringside with Paige, and wouldn't you just know it they are involved at the finish. Following a Paige superkick, the twentieth on this show, Tyson jumps on the apron thinking the match is over, but he is premature. In the confusion Brie scores with a roll up. Blergh. Afterwards Paige decks Tyson, who laughs it off. Natty walks off amused. Final Rating: 1/4* In an unknown dark location, Bray Wyatt does his usual promo, this time warning everyone in the Royal Rumble to run from him. He needs an injection of inspiration pronto, because a once superb gimmick has been WWE-ified to the point of becoming mundane. Randy Savage is officially announced as the first 2015 Hall of Fame inductee... even though they pretty much announced it earlier. Skewed logic as ever, but now, finally, this Hall of Fame is bordering on legitimate. A shame it comes four years after Randy's tragic, untimely death, but WWE even acknowledging him at all has to be considered a huge victory for Savage supporters who have been campaigning for a decade for him to be put in. It will be interesting to see if Hunter or any of the McMahons comment on him at all. I guess Lanny Poffo will accept the award, which will be an interesting speech to say the least if he does. It is of note but no surprise that they didn't honour his wishes of inducting the rest of the Poffo family with him, which I think they should have. Hell, if Drew Carey and Chris Von Erich are in there, anyone is fair game. Hulk Hogan is announced as inducting Savage, which is a goddamn loaded choice to say the least. Perhaps that is a final parting shot from McMahon, who is well aware of the real-life bad blood that simmered between the two for their entire careers. The Ascension vs. Jobbers Under the file of baffling WWE logic, last week the Ascension did a promo running down the vastly superior Demolition and Road Warriors duos, which resulted in JBL burying them on commentary in response. That was the idea, apparently. WWE felt that by bashing two great tag teams, the Ascension would generate heat, and JBL's shredding of them would get them over. How? I don't know. Once again they are fed jobbers here, which I approve of, but JBL evidently does not. He spends the duration of the minute-long affair making racist comments about the unnamed pair, and then continues to bury the Ascension for only beating nobodies. Cole tries to justify the booking by pointing out they don't choose their own opponents, but JBL won't have it. It is the strangest attempt at getting a badass team over that I have ever witnessed. The Ascension murder their hapless opponents, impressively actually, but JBL rags on them following the win anyway. Utterly bizarre. Final Rating: SQUASH (Not rated) In the now epically long psychological evaluation, Dr. Corbett is on the couch and Ambrose in counselling him. I am not sure what this says about the quality of medical professionals that WWE use, but I am sure CM Punk has a few thoughts on it. Ambrose makes Corbett sign his papers then buries him with childish insults and horrible jokes, ending the occasionally amusing but mostly naff segment on a low note. Promo Time: Rusev & Lana Lana thanks the Authority for firing Ryback, and Rusev calls him spineless. I like these two, but it's the same played-out crap every week with them. Rusev mentions Cena, briefly, setting up their inevitable WrestleMania match, then Dean Ambrose comes out for a confrontation. He gets a good pop, despite having been demolished week after week on TV and PPV for the past few months. He is Teflon. Dean Ambrose vs. Rusev We return from commercial and apparently this is a match now. Rusev targets Ambrose's dodgy leg, which was hurt by Big Show on SmackDown. It makes for a slow paced match. The crowd dies during this, sitting in silence despite Ambrose's believable selling and Rusev's strong monster status. I guess they don't give Ambrose a hope, rightfully so, and thus refuse to waste their time becoming invested in this. The finish is a joke, with the referee calling a halt to proceedings because he felt Ambrose was too hurt to continue. Surely that is why being able to submit exists as a rule? This did nothing for either guy. Final Rating: 3/4* Royal Rumble Contract Signing Main event promo time with the Authority, Seth Rollins, John Cena, Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman. Heyman starts things off, pointing out unfair (and stupid) the triple threat rules are, because it means Lesnar can lose the title without being pinned. And he probably will too. WWE are running the risk of a Bret Hart / Montreal type situation with Lesnar, so I fully expect they will change course and abandon Lesnar-Reigns WrestleMania main event plans and go in a different direction, then just have Lesnar put over Daniel Bryan or something. Heyman put over Rollins for bringing back the Authority and masterminding the whole thing, and Rollins thanked him. Heyman snapped, yelling at him for cutting him off before he was finished to an "Oooh" from the crowd. When Seth was allowed to speak and Heyman cut in, he barked back that he wasn't finished, and the crowd popped it. Shit's on! Lesnar briefly did his own talking, noting that he has conquered Undertaker, Triple H and John Cena, and that Rollins will be next. Cena has heard enough and tells Lesnar that even though Lesnar doesn't need to be pinned to lose the belt, he intends to pin him. Again, I have no doubt that he will. Cena has been made to look like a promise-breaking, spineless, friendless chump these last few weeks. They don't harpoon their top guy unless there is a reason for it, so all signs point to a Cena title win over Lesnar, then Rollins cashing in immediately to set up a return. Probably. Things break down into a scuffle, as they always do, with Cena putting Lesnar through the table but Rollins laying out both guys with his curb stomp. He looks like a star as the show ends, on the level of the two megastars he is rubbing shoulders with. Let's sit back and watch them make a bollocks of it. THE RAW RECAP: Most Entertaining: Daniel Bryan. His encouraging of the crowd to chant "Hoooo" at Steph was fun, and his brawl with Kane was believable. It's good to have him back. Least Entertaining: Stephanie McMahon. For being involved in half a dozen segments including three interviews in the ring, and for making the babyfaces look like simpering whelps, bowing to her presence. She is a cancerous polyp on the wrestling anus that is Raw. Quote of the Night: "Hooooooooooooooooo" - Dean Ambrose / Daniel Bryan Match of the Night: Hot diggety, nothing deserves this. Cena vs. Rollins technically, but the wrestling tonight was the drizzling shits. Verdict: Bad. Actually not so much bad, as just mind-numbingly dull. The writing is so inspired that every promo sounds forced to the point of making you want to turn off. Wrestling has become deeply un-cool, akin to how people viewed it pre-Attitude era once the boom period ended around 1992. Stupid, played-for-laughs nonsense like Roman Reigns telling fairytales, Dean Ambrose making shit (literally) jokes and all of the other tongue-in-cheek stuff that no one can take seriously, just drives people away in droves. Casual fans don't want to be associated with something that makes their friends question why the hell they like this in the first place. And the hardcore fans, well they have long since grown weary of it all, and though they stick around, they don't care anymore. About anything or anyone. A year ago the company was riding a wave of momentum courtesy of Daniel Bryan, The Shield, The Wyatt Family, Cesaro's weekly great matches and the return of Batista. This year they look rudderless and seriously lacking in inspiration. Everyone is just going through the motions, too scared to challenge their position or the way things are done, quietly sitting there while their careers get damaged irreparably out of fear for their jobs. This show, while not their worst of recent weeks, exemplifies that. Avoid. Rating: 19 Well, this should be interesting. I’ve not seen a full episode of Raw in about five years. Not only that, but I stopped watching WWE completely around 2009 and I’ve only seen bits and pieces since (mostly CM Punk stuff). The only WWE show I’ve watched in full over the last year was WrestleMania (compare that to around seventy events from Japan), and from their biggest show of the year alone I could see major issues with the booking and the in-ring. "New York Style" isn’t something I particularly enjoy anyway, but the flaws in the work are gaping and obvious. What’s worse is that this Raw follows New Japan’s biggest show of the year; Wrestle Kingdom, which featured two phenomenal main events (Okada-Tanahashi ***** and Nakamura-Ibushi *****) and set a bar so high that WWE just can’t compete with it. So, why am I even reviewing Raw then?
Good question. Hosts are Michael Cole, JBL and Booker T. Last time I watched a full episode of this show, both former wrestlers were still active and Booker T was in TNA. Video Control gives us some clips from last week, making me really confused as Edge & Christian seemingly now have a chat show? [Editors note: It was a one-off deal, combining Edge's Cutting Edge with Christian's Peep Show). The booking is already a bit weird as Seth Rollins threatens to break Edge’s neck if John Cena doesn’t bring back the Authority. But surely Edge hates Cena, and vice versa? They had a bloody violent feud based on that mutual hatred. It pretty much defined Edge as a champion. Apparently that’s all been forgotten about because they had a brief moment together backstage last week. Super. Also, the Authority were booted off TV for all of a month. I’ve only been back for three minutes and I’m already totally confused. Promo Time: John Cena vs. The Authority The ring is full of the WWE roster to greet the returning Authority, which means Raw kicks off its new year, "WrestleMania Season" and my return to watching the show with a long, rambling Triple H promo. Some things never change. This goes on for a while, then the Authority bring out Seth Rollins and add him into the already announced John Cena vs. Brock Lesnar title match at the Royal Rumble before booking Cena’s Survivor Series buddies into shitty matches, with Dolph Ziggler against Bad News Barrett taking place right now. WWE Intercontinental Championship Dolph Ziggler (c) vs. Bad News Barrett I did a quick look through the Intercontinental title history to see what I’d missed out on over the past five years, but there’s really nothing memorable. Barrett is actually a four-time former champion though. How did that happen? I seriously miss the days of the IC title being an important and worthwhile championship. It can still be done though. Take New Japan and their obsession over the importance of title belts. All of their titles mean something and their version of the IC belt headlines PPVs and is held by one of the biggest stars in the company, Shinsuke Nakamura, and is used to elevate talent. Just the day before this show Nakamura defended the belt against Kota Ibushi, practically MADE Kota as a main event, tore the house down and had a match of the year contender. The WWE’s version of the same belt? Not quite so important. Yet another note, before we get underway, about ring announcer Eden Stiles. She’s competent, has a decent voice, inflection-wise, and she’s a lot better to look at than Howard Finkel. I totally would. I get that the WWE hire people based on appearance rather than talent but it’s nice when they get both. Cody Rhodes, the lucky bastard, is married to her. 1st Fall: I’m well aware this isn’t announced as 2/3 falls, but it will be. I’ve always liked Ziggler but his lack of forward momentum in the WWE shows how little they care about making new stars. Maybe it’s because Ziggler is so good at selling. Wrestlers like that tend to get stuck in a niche and are forced to get everyone else over. The first fall is all Barrett dominating with boring holds until Ziggler rolls him up for the win. Corporate Kane strolls out here and makes this 2/3 falls. So it’s 1-0 Ziggler. 2nd Fall: A word on the camerawork; it’s fucking abysmal. ZOOM IN, ZOOM OUT, ZOOM IN, ZOOM OUT. Just hold the fucking camera still, monkey, you’re giving me a headache. It actively makes me hate watching. Barrett continues to boss the second fall, hits Wasteland and levels the scores. 1-1. 3rd Fall: Seeing as Ziggler is lying around selling, they play Barrett’s music. What a promotion. Ziggler’s injury becomes the focus for the match but he kicks out of Wasteland. Okay, cameraman, we have to come to an agreement here before I puke on my keyboard. Just stop zooming in and out. Just stop it. Barrett, not content with slipping two rest holds into the first fall, then slaps on a rest hold so they can have a chat. Top work. Chinlock. Chinlock. Chinlock. Chinlock. Zzzzz. Is the match going on for the entire rest of the show or something? Speaking of which, why is Raw three hours long now? Isn’t it bad enough that Hollywood has no idea how to keep their movies at a reasonable length anymore (Peter Jackson, I’m looking at you). Chinlock. Ziggler runs into the Black Hole Slam for a near fall. Ziggler returns the favour with a superkick. They lie around for a bit and then Barrett hits the Bull Hammer for the win. His FIFTH IC title. Both of these guys could be good, given the right circumstances. At least Ziggler can sell like a champ. Final Rating: ** Video Control gives us a recap of John Cena’s first big WWE moment: coming out to challenge Kurt Angle on SmackDown in 2002. Shame he botched the handshake with Undertaker. Oh yeah, I may have forgotten to mention; it’s "John Cena Appreciation Night" tonight. There are clips of him all night. I won’t bother detailing the others. This is followed by clips of Big Show and Roman Reigns from last week. Promo Time: Roman Reigns His personality stays at home. They try to make him compare himself to Superman. He’s not very good at it. Video Control takes us to Bray Wyatt, who shows Roman Reigns what an actual promo should sound like. I could actually listen to Bray talk for the entire show, which leads me to believe he should become a commentator when he retires. The Ascension vs. Jobbers Konnor & Viktor come out here, dressed like dime-store Road Warriors... to make fun of the Road Warriors. Which is perfect because it sets up... nothing, and makes them look stupid. Okay, not so perfect. The WWE are so respectful of the enhancement guys here that they don’t even have names. The Ascension win in thirty seconds flat. Nobody cares. The only thing this team has to look forward to is WWE.com wishing them the best of luck in their future endeavours. Final Rating: DUD Video Control gives us a word from Rusev and Lana who big-up Vladimir Putin. Okay then. Roman Reigns vs. The Big Show Whenever I saw the Shield wrestle, which I admit wasn’t often, Reigns always looked like the one that the WWE wanted to push but that no one was that into. The Shield was ideal for Roman because it concealed his flaws. Most notably that he can’t talk, but also that his work is WWE-generic. Given the stature of both these guys the match is all clubberin’. I don’t expect much and it delivers. The crowd are dead by the way. Considering the match is only five minutes long it’s so, SO boring. At one point Show just hooks a bearhug and I swear Reigns falls asleep in it. It’s like watching two guys working in treacle, it’s so slow. Show then uses the ring steps and mercifully it’s a DQ. I don’t think I could have stood much more of that crap. Final Rating: DUD Video Control replays the opening promo, just in case you’ve forgotten what happened an hour ago. Nikki Bella vs. Natalya Nikki has her sister Brie out here so Paige turns up to even the score. This is pretty sloppy. Natalya wins with a roll up after about a minute. Final Rating: DUD Video Control takes us backstage for words from Dean Ambrose. I have no idea why they’ve booked Ambrose and Wyatt together when they can both sell an issue with someone a bit straighter. Their promos are great but they’re both a bit crazy. Putting them together just doesn’t make sense as all it does is nullify their strengths. The usual mind games don’t work. Erick Rowan vs. Luke Harper These guys both used to be in the Wyatt Family. I’m not quite sure of the logic behind why they were removed from that stable and pitched against each other. Special referees for this are Jamie Noble and Joey Mercury, heels representing the Authority. They side with Harper, who seems to be heel. I say “seems to be” as he has only one facial expression. Harper wins, with a very fast count, and nobody cares. You know what they should do with Luke Harper? Give him a My Name is Earl gimmick where he tries to make amends for the bad things he’s done. Not only because that would interest me, but also because he looks like Jason Lee. Final Rating: DUD Video Control goes backstage to see Alicia Fox attack Naomi. Ambulance Match Dean Ambrose vs. Bray Wyatt This is WWE’s fourth ambulance match, according to Wikipedia, and I vividly remember the first one between Kane and Shane McMahon… because it was awful. They actually stole the gimmick from WCW! It was Mike Awesome’s speciality match. The problem with a gimmicky match like this is you lose the thrills and spills of near falls. "Nearly" putting someone in an ambulance doesn’t count. The match does mark an important turn in the show though, as the fans actually seem to care about it and Ambrose in particular. Shame WWE are pushing Roman Reigns and not him. The work in the match is a lot tighter than anything else on the show, the opener aside. The similar personalities seem to have the crowd divided though, and it’s a snoozer for Corpus. I appreciate the WWE feeling the urge to let this develop and giving it twenty minutes to do so, but it may have been a mistake. Or the lack of big spots is the mistake. The focus is Ambrose having his leg worked over before they give up on that and just brawl around aimlessly. The spots look painful, rather than good. Ambrose ups the ante a bit by hitting a dive off the ambulance to put Bray through a table. I like his selling of the knee afterwards as it harks back to the work they put in earlier. Bray hits Sister Abigail a few times and that’ll do it. What a strange piece of booking. Match was okay, certainly better than anything else on the show. Final Rating: **3/4 Video Control replays that same promo from the top of the show. Again. Is this just so we don’t forget who Stephanie McMahon is? The Usos & Naomi vs. The Miz, Damien Mizdow & Alicia Fox Part of my research for this show was watching about twenty minutes of Damien Sandow impersonating The Miz. He’s a funny guy. Apparently these aren’t men and women, they’re superstars and divas. That is why I could never commentate on WWE: I’m not part of the "WWE Universe", thanks, I’m a wrestling fan. Mizdow taking Miz’s bumps on the apron is good for chuckles. Headlocking the ropes while Miz has a headlock on also makes me laugh. Mizdow is popular as hell too, mainly because Miz cuts him off before he does anything in the ring. The wrestling in this is fun enough and Miz wins with a roll up after Naomi causes an accidental distraction. Really short at four minutes though. I like my trios matches to have time to develop. Final Rating: *3/4 Ryback vs. Kane & Seth Rollins If there’s a wrestler I give less of a shit about than Ryback I’ve yet to see him. Meanwhile Kane still wrestling in 2015 is ridiculous. Did he not save anything? Has he got a massive gambling problem? Just retire. The crowd gets on Seth’s case for being a sell-out, but at least he has heat, which puts him in an elite bracket if this crowd is anything to go by. The crowd seem to like Ryback too, which most people are putting down to his shoot-esque promo last week. It’s a pity this match is such a non-event until Ryback’s comeback. It’s very Goldberg-y. Kane has to save Rollins from Shellshock, which earns him a Shellshock, but Seth is able to run back in and Curb Stomp the Big Guy. I know they’re calling it a curb stomp but it’s not. Super Dragon’s curb stomp is a fucking curb stomp. Ryback eats another and stays down. Final Rating: *1/2 Adam Rose vs. Big E The New Day faction (Big E, Kofi Kingston and Xavier Woods) = three guys Vince McMahon put together because they’re black. Adam Rose I’ve never seen before, but he’s just a super-bland WWE style worker, actively boring in the ring. Tyson Kidd & Cesaro, wearing masks, run in for the DQ. What in the world are the WWE doing with Cesaro? He should have had at least one run with the WWE Title by now, not be slumming it with all these useless twats. Final Rating: DUD John Cena Appreciation Night Triple H and Steph come back out here to jaw some more. They talk for ten minutes, bring out John Cena, thank him and then bring out Ziggler, Rowan and Ryback to fire them. Because *that* will stick beyond a week. Nobody "grabs the brass ring" and does a goddamn thing. I must admit, the peppy music and confetti that plays us out makes me laugh. Especially with everyone looking so miserable in the ring. THE RAW RECAP: Most Entertaining: Dolph Ziggler. Put in a decent shift in the opener. Can’t blame him for Barrett’s malaise. Least Entertaining: Roman Reigns. It either him or Big Show for their colossal bore of a five-minute match. Reigns had a promo that sucked too so he wins. Quote of the Night: “The devil is real, and he’s not just a man with pointy horns and a curly tail. He is suffering. He is pain” – Bray Wyatt. Match of the Night: Bray Wyatt vs. Dean Ambrose. It wasn’t a good match but at least some of the spots were cool. The elbow drop off the ambulance was a bright point in an otherwise dull show. Verdict: It’s been a while since I saw one of these so it’s hard to really gauge if this is a good Raw or a bad Raw or just a normal Raw. Three hours is way too long, yet even at that length the matches seem to get stiffed for time. At least the ambulance match got some time to play out, but the wrestling in the WWE is so insipid I’m almost thankful some of the other matches were kept brief. Show vs. Reigns felt like an eternity and it was only five minutes long. Maybe I’ve been spoiled by watching New Japan so much over the last year, but it’s hard to get an investment in the WWE. Rating: 25 |
AuthorJames Dixon and Arnold Furious. The poor sods have volunteered for this... Archives
January 2016
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