For a moment last night I thought I was getting out of this, because Sheamus nearly cashed in his MITB contract. When he does, I am done with WWE! Probably... Anyway, I was “saved” from that by the antics of Kane, who returned wearing his mask, looking podgy, and gave both Seth Rollins and Sheamus a kicking. So now we can look forward to that three way feud. Yey.
Promo Time: The Wyatt Family Hold the phone, we are starting Raw with a promo that isn't by Seth Rollins or The Authority!? Right, what are they up to? Bray gets a minute into his rant about how he tried to warn Roman, which brings out the man himself. “Apparently Roman Reigns is hard of hearing.” - Mackle. Swell, anymore random facts about the deficiencies of guys on the roster to spill? Roman wants to finish the feud with Bray, and god knows it has been going on long enough. Bray is unsure, so Roman goads him by calling him scared. Bray sends his heavies away and they go at it, but there is no referee so it is not a match. Just a good old fashioned donnybrook. When Reigns gets on top the other two Wyatts return, so Dean Ambrose (“the calvary (sic)”) runs down to help. One Dean Ambrose against two Wyatts, not his best idea. A big brawl erupts all over the ringside area, and the numbers advantage gives the Wyatts the upper hand. After Roman and Dean are both battered on the mat, Randy Orton decides to get off his ass and make the save. Where was he five minutes ago? Randy, being a superstar, turns the tide and collective the faces manage to bump Strowman out of the ring. Interesting way to start the show, but it does mean these guys are going to almost certainly do a six-man at Hell in a Cell. Backstage, Seth Rollins confronts an unmasked Korporate Kane about what happened last night. Kane plays dumb and pretends like he has no idea what Seth is talking about. Seth is pitched as the dumbest wrestler on the roster. Kane announces Rollins-Cena for the U.S. Title tonight, which should be good. Stardust & The Ascension vs. Neville & The Lucha Dragons This is a rematch from last night’s pre-show match, so Even Steven booking dictates Neville and friends will go over tonight to get everyone back to where they started. You know, I like the concept behind this Stardust-Neville superhero/villain rivalry, but it might help if anyone gave a damn about it. Nobody cares, and it is sad to see. It takes less than thirty seconds for Sin Cara to botch a spot, and the way he favours his knee afterwards suggests he may have tweaked it. While little is going on, Cole goes off on one of his nonsensical spiels, within which he notes that Steven Amell “plays Arrow on television.” The announcers spend the whole match talking about Korporate Kane and Demon Kane, ignoring the action completely. Not that it is particularly good mind. Generic heat on Neville, a muted crowd. The usual throwaway Raw match. Kalisto flips all over the place when Neville gets the hot tag, but none of his offence looks like anything resembling a wrestling move. Including the finish, which sees Kalisto pin Viktor after a move where you couldn't tell who did what. Final Rating: * Seth cries to his mummy and daddy about Kane, and they act like they don't know what he is talking about. He whines about having a title shot against Cena tonight, because he is not ready after last night’s pair of matches. Hunter tells him to focus on the match and they will take care of Kane. It seems The Authority didn't know Kane was back in his Director of Operations role. Oh, the plot thickens. Ryback vs. Bo Dallas Kevin Owens does commentary, because, well that’s what they do around here. You can hear a pin drop when this starts, because Ryback isn't particularly over, and Dallas is a total geek. He is a waste of TV time. This gets three minutes tops, then Ryback wins with the Shellshock. Owens attacks him afterwards, because for whatever reason he wants to keep fighting Ryback even though he has beaten him and got the title he wanted. Ryback sends him scurrying, as Cole warns us that Ryback has a mandatory rematch clause. Yippee. Final Rating: ½* Charlotte’s Celebration Ric Flair comes out first and tells us he is proud, then reminisces some about the partying he has done in Laredo. There isn't a city on the planet he hasn't partied in. The crowd break into a “thank you Ric,” chant, so he reciprocates before getting back on track. Flair says Charlotte’s win last night was the proudest moment of his career, and points out she did it all by herself with blood, sweat and tears. He brings Charlotte out for her title celebration, and she immediately starts weeping as she says how much she wants to make her dad proud. Ric, emotional bear that he is, does some crying of his own. It’s all very touching. Charlotte puts Paige and Becky over for being such good friends to her, telling them both how much they mean to her. Oh this is screaming for a heel turn from one of these girls. And we get one! Paige rips on Charlotte for patronising her and for basically giving a Hall of Fame speech, then goes on an AMAZING rant at Charlotte. The gist is whoop-de-do, because she won the title on her first night. She then turns on the rest of the women, referring to Brie Bella and Alicia Fox as Nikki’s “hippy sister and third wheel”. Then she calls Becky Lynch “the least relevant of all of us.” But, Tamina! After basically calling Summer Rae and Lana whores, and alluding to the real reason the Bellas get their push (who they are banging), she asks, “Where is Nattie? Do you even work here anymore?” After that, Paige storms off. Amazing segment! Oh, but then the Bella twats come out to say a few words. Nikki basically renders Charlotte’s title win pointless because she doesn't sell having lost it, instead mocking her and promising she will be humiliated. And here I was hoping the Bellas would fuck off for a while. What was I thinking? Charlotte vs. Brie Bella I assume this is non title because no announcement is made otherwise. Brie is far worse in the ring than Nikki, even if she is a modicum less irritating. Although, that horrific banshee wail she does makes it a pretty close run thing. Brie works over Charlotte’s injured leg, so at least there s some psychology on display, but like last night it is a whole lot of Charlotte selling and not doing a great deal else. Quite frankly the best part of the match is seeing Brie’s pants slowly come down a little further with each move. Like a builder. Charlotte wins with the Figure Eight, and I am still waiting for this Diva’s revolution. Charlotte should have came out and denounced the term Divas, then got into it with Paige and gone into a program with her. But no, instead we had to suffer more of the vapid Bellas. How awful. Final Rating: * Sheamus vs. Mark Henry Ah, Sheamus needs a win after weeks of doing jobs. Mark Henry doesn't win matches any more you see. Plus, this is his home state, and you always lose in your home state in the WWF. I want to see this match like I want a hole in the head. This goes two minutes before Sheamus wins. Pointless filler. Post match, Sheamus claims to be WWE Champion. Pray the day never comes. Final Rating: SQUASH The Authority talk with Kane, who acts like the nicest guy in the world. They are surprised that he is here after having not heard from him since he got injured, then question his actions last night. Again, Kane pretends he had nothing to do with it. Steph wants him to cut the bullshit and give him the mask back, so she holds out her hand. He gives her “five”. She gets a little cross and demands the mask, but he tells her he doesn't know where it is, but that he will help her find it. Intriguing! Kane has been really great in these segments. Honestly. Elsewhere Paige spots Nattie backstage and expects a lecture. She gets one. Nattie reminds Paige that she does still work here, and that she has a match tonight! Well, it’s about time. The New Day & Rusev vs. The Dudley Boyz & Dolph Ziggler Ah, this old chestnut. Throwing two matches from the prior night’s pay-per-view into one quick and easy segment. We have Rollins-Cena later too, rendering Night of Champions almost pointless. New Day were the best thing on the show last night, especially the genius Xavier Woods. He has gone from one of my least favourite performers on the show to the most entertaining. He brings out a piece of table in a zip lock back, which he claims the medical team had to remove from his ass last night. Kofi calls the Dudleys a menace to society, while Big E thinks the solution is to build a wall around Dudleyville for their protection. I really hope they start bringing a wall to the ring with them. It’s a shame Jerry Tuite is dead. Rusev comes out with Summer, despite her costing him the match with Dolph last night. I am not sure why a character like Rusev would team with these goofs mind you. Necessity, I guess. Dolph and Kofi do some nice sequences to start, then the Dudleys come in and bring the smash mouth. When we return from commercial, Dolph is mid-dropkick, and nobody is doing a chinlock! Progress. He soon gets grinded down into heat, which means the joy of Xavier and his trombone. As I am thinking to myself, “Wouldn't it be cool if he played some of the guys’ entrance themes on that thing?” he only goes and does it! Busting out a tremendous rendition of Rusev’s tune as he takes over on Dolph. Best moment ever. This goes on far too long, with the only notable moment being Rusev screaming, “Lana is mine!” at Dolph. Summer Rae doesn't sell that at all. Bubba cleans house on the hot tag, Ziggler partakes in the Wazzup Drop, then Xavier’s trombone causes the distraction and allows Rusev to superkick Dolph for the win. More Even Steven booking! Final Rating: ** Naomi vs. Natalya Anyone who watches Total Divas will be hoping Nattie doesn't piss herself tonight. Nattie is wearing a full body PVC suit, which looks warm. It makes a change from the revealing attire that the other girls wear, because it makes her seem like a wrestler rather than a sex object. It’s a shame the crowd is mainly indifferent to the action, which is perfectly solid but hardly thrilling. The finish is annoying though. Nattie, in her big comeback match, gets beaten after a distraction from Sasha. Final Rating: * Mom and Dad decide that Kane got all of his rage out of his system last night, so he won’t cause Seth any more problems. Poor frightened Seth is still afraid of being disembowelled, but the Authority tell him to focus on his match and not Kane. The Big Show vs. Cesaro In the worst booking decision of the year so far, Big Shite beat Cesaro on SmackDown. Thankfully that is in another universe and no one watches that show, so hopefully it won’t have hurt Cesaro too much. Show spends much of the match jawing with the crowd, hilariously calling someone “fat boy”. He dominates the bout, and the announcers talk about Brock Lesnar, who is wrestling Show at MSG in a few weeks. Oh no, they are going to put Show over her to build him for a house show match with Lesnar, aren’t they!? Again, the crowd is absolutely dead because they don't want to see the fucking Big Show. Nobody in the world wants to see him in 2015. Cesaro mounts a little offence and tries to suplex Show back into the ring from the apron, but he can’t do it. He won’t be deterred though, and eventually connects with the move. That’s his big spot for the match, then Show punches him and pins him clean. This company is a joke. Never mind this bullshit about keeping him strong for Brock. We have seen that match a hundred times, both in Brock’s first run and his current one. We know how it goes. And anyway, the problem in the first place is that they have even booked the match. Brock vs. Cesaro, now that would be worth seeing. After the match, Show claims to be the greatest big man of all time. I feel sick. He then reminds us that he beat Brock Lesnar as Survivor Series 2002, but all that does is remind us of just how insipid WWE’s booking now is that they are dredging up matches for over a decade ago. Show calls Brock a “vanilla gorilla” then says he won’t be going to Suplex City. Sure he will. Final Rating: DUD WWE United States Championship John Cena (c) vs. Seth Rollins Well, we have seen this on the last two pay-per-views, and a match on Raw a few weeks back, so what more is there to see? The crowd clearly feel the same way and bust out the Mexican wave, just like they did last night. What a fun new way to turn on a match. Even though it’s a battle between two of the biggest stars on the show, the heat is nowhere near what it should be. Nor is the match, which is fairly boring and struggles to hold my attention. As usual, WWE ruins something good with overkill. It’s the same moves, the same story, the same everything. Cena goes over clean after powering out of a frogsplash and pin into the AA. Strange to beat the WWE Champion twice in two consecutive nights. Cena makes a sharp exit so that Korporate Kane can appear on the screen and frighten Seth with threats. As he does, Demon Kane bursts through the ring and drags Seth into “His own personal hell”. Hokey and silly, but mildly amusing because of how much Seth oversells it. Look, I don't actually mind Seth working Kane on the Hell in a Cell undercard, because that show is built on the Lesnar-Taker HIAC match (which I am not even sure they really mentioned tonight) and they have a long-term storyline there, plus Seth is running out of fresh opponents. Final Rating: **1/4 THE RAW RECAP: Most Entertaining: Xavier Woods. Paul Heyman aside, he is the best annoying heel manager to come along in nearly twenty years. Least Entertaining: The Big Show. Quote of the Night: Take your pick from every single word of Paige’s promo. It wasn't quite a “pipe bomb”, but it was pretty awesome. Match of the Night: Nothing doing. Summary: Another drab Raw, with the usual post-PPV nonsense going on, with a bunch of rematches and reruns of the same programs we have seen for weeks on end. Nothing new happened, nothing was developed, it was just the same old elongated programs being stretched out beyond their points of being interesting. It’s a typically tough to endure three hour show, with nothing particularly bad (Big Show and Sheamus aside), terrible commentary, and nothing really worth seeing outside of a brief promo from Paige. Raw is going to continue to get battered in the ratings until it becomes a more vibrant and less predictable show. Verdict: 36
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20th September 2015.
During a conversation with fellow 2015 Raw reviewer extraordinaire James Dixon, we agreed that I’d cover Night of Champions this week while he volunteered to do Raw. Which is a show we both seem to detest in equal measure. It occurred to me after this arrangement had come to pass; what did he know about Night of Champions that I didn’t? Had he caught wind of foul occurrences? Had I been saddled with a duff PPV, caught unawares thanks to my gleeful ignorance of PPV cards ahead of time? I say that but I know most of this card; it’s the show where all the titles are defended so it’s hard not to know what’s happening. Oh well, once more into the breach… We’re in Houston, Texas. Hosts are Michael Cole, JBL and Jerry Lawler. WWE Intercontinental Championship Ryback (c) vs. Kevin Owens The Ryback is popular but Owens is REALLY popular. As in his pop dwarfs Ryback’s and the crowd start into the “Fight Owens Fight” chants and then start booing Ryback’s offence. Ryback does a lot of power business but Owens takes his arm. The brilliance of Kevin Owens is he always manages to retain his heel status, even when the crowd love him because he’s such a dick. Unfortunately that means he has to grind away at holds that nobody is going to cheer, which is dull. You just can’t win with the heel/face alignment. When he was working with Cena it was a lot easier as the crowd were inclined to cheer him anyway but you can’t do that with poor Ryback. He’s fragile. The arm psychology pays off with Ryback struggling to get into offensive positions with it and Owens continuing the assault. When Ryback fights through the pain Owens just rakes the eyes, because screw the rules, and rolls Ryback up for the belt. Owens controlled this one and definitely deserves the IC title. His biggest problem will be how he’s portrayed as IC champion as others have suffered in the role. Wade Barrett immediately springs to mind. Hopefully the forward planning with Owens is better than Barrett. Final Rating: **1/4 Video Control shills Brock Lesnar’s “Go To Hell Tour” with a match against Big Show at MSG, Podcast with Steve Austin and Taker-Lesnar at Hell in a Cell. From there we get another recap of the Rusev-Ziggler ‘TMZ’ feud. Summer Rae is now wearing Ziggler’s “peace offering” earrings from last week. Is sweet, submissive Summer also in danger of being stolen away by the Show Off? Ziggler is building a harem. Dolph Ziggler vs. Rusev No belts on the line in this one, unless Summer Rae is some sort of locker room championship. The commentators ignore this one and talk about diaries and Twitter instead. That about sums the feud up. It’s not about wrestling. Partly because of this, and partly because they don’t do anything, the match struggles to gain my concentration. The crowd gets bored too and chants for Lana, who’s the only person who’s gotten over through all of this. Rusev dominates much of the match, even though that means nothing against Ziggler as he gets beaten up by everyone. That’s his gimmick. He’s a punching bag. He’s probably hoping for some serious throwback love from the ladies in the audience, like Ricky Morton in the 1980s, but most wrestling crowd’s are sausagefests nowadays. You have to cater to your audience. Pretty babyfaces getting their asses kicked doesn’t get the same reaction as it used to. Although, oddly enough, the “USA” chants still ring out to greet an anti-American heel like Rusev. Both gimmicks are throwbacks but Rusev’s is still over. The match is actually solid with good back and forth action until Summer jumps in there and gets thrown out. Good grief, she’s got a screechy voice. She goes nuts and starts throwing shoes everywhere and a distracted Rusev is planted with the Zigzag for the loss. I feel bad for Rusev, who was pure gold at the start of the year but has found a John Cena feud hard to recover from. Final Rating: **1/4 WWE Tag Team Championship The New Day (c) vs. The Dudley Boyz The New Day might be the greatest turnaround in wrestling history. Saddled with a craptastic positivity gimmick, they were roundly hated and turned heel only to become a phenomenally entertaining act, one of the best in the promotion. It’s a prime example of taking what you’re given and making it worthwhile. New Day run through a list of guys who’ve signed their #Savethetables petition. D-Von is a bit of a throwback too. His move set is rooted firmly in the Attitude Era. All punches and the like. Bubba upgraded himself somewhat by becoming a main eventer in TNA. They do some great trash talking in this match, even outside of Xavier Woods’ ranting. “GO HOME OLD MAN, THIS IS OUR TIME” – Big E. “FUCK YOU” – Bubba. I find Big E’s headlocks entertaining, for crying out loud. When did that happen? Xavier running through his scales while Bubba gets stomped in the corner is AMAZING. That trombone is a godsend. Big E splashes Bubba on the apron and it genuinely looks like it knocks poor Bubba stupid. The ref is obviously worried. Kofi breaks out some boxing and Xavier plays the Rocky theme; “Gonna Fly Now”. When you’re hot, you’re hot. If he can coordinate more with Big E and Kofi about doing spots like that this could be one of the greatest tag team units of all time. That’s how friggin’ great that trombone is. 3D on Kofi but Xavier runs in for the timely DQ so the New Day retain. The New Day go to table the Duds and the crowd chant “save the tables”, showing the New Day can get just about anything over. The Duds recover, kick everyone out of the ring and 3D Xavier through a table. Xavier Woods made everything happen in this match. A glorious display of awesomeness. Final Rating: *** Video Control shills “Breaking Ground”, an inside the company look at getting into wrestling. It’ll be on the Network. That sounds pretty cool, actually. From there we get clips from the 301 day reign of Nikki Bella as Divas champion. She’s broken AJ Lee’s record. WWE Divas Championship Nikki Bella (c) vs. Charlotte I think most people are hoping for a title change here although it’s a bit weird how they’ve stacked the deck against the champion. If Nikki gets disqualified she loses the title. Nikki’s biggest problem as champion is that while she does have a smoking hot bikini bod, she’s still not very good in the ring, despite a record title run. My biggest issue with the Divas Revolution, is that the Queen is still the Queen. When the French had a revolution, they cut the Queen’s head off. The commentators build up Charlotte as being Ric Flair’s daughter, to the point where you wonder why they dropped her surname? Initially they wanted her to get over on her own but now she has, now they want her to piggyback her old man’s glory? To be fair, they did the same thing with Randy Orton and it didn’t hurt him any. They establish an early injury to Charlotte’s knee and it’s really awkward. It takes all the steam out of the match and the contest has to rely on the ring skills of the champ. It’s not a good role for Charlotte either, who’s far better at dominating the ring with her superior size and athleticism. Nikki does have some better ideas than usual, like suplexing Charlotte into the ropes so her leg lands on the bottom strand. Nikki is still a clumsy fucking mess at times. She manages to punch Charlotte square in the vag at one point, missing her target (the knee) by a quarter of Charlotte’s entire body and then can’t decide which leg is injured for a half crab. But then again, she does use the Ringpost Figure Four. It’s a fairly competent, for the most part, performance from Nikki. But that’s it…competent. The ladies on NXT were doing far better than that. I might like Nikki more if I start referring to her bossing a match as “Nikki Heat”. I love me some Castle. The match struggles, thanks to the total lack of chemistry between the two girls. Charlotte looks like a rampaging horse and Nikki comes across as more calm and composed by comparison. Too many spots look rough around the edges and they’re not on the same page often enough. The match has a weird ending too, after all that leg work (the entire match) Charlotte just hooks the Figure Eight for the belt and that’s it. It’s strangely anticlimactic. Actually a half decent showing from Nikki, there’s hope for her yet. Even if she made too many mistakes for someone of her experience. Hopefully Charlotte can work with Becky or Sasha now. A tearful Ric Flair can’t help himself and joins in the celebrations, crying like a baby. And that makes it feel a lot more special. Hopefully they can make this belt mean something because Nikki’s run means one thing at least, they actually made the title change mean something. Even if it took a blubbing Nature Boy to push it. In a world where Ronda Rousey is headlining for UFC, there’s potential for the WWE to have the women as a major alternative to the men. Final Rating: **1/2 Video Control takes us backstage where the new IC champion Kevin Owens puts over his string of big achievements since signing for the WWE. He’s once again a prize-fighter with a prize to fight for. “It’s no secret just how great I am”. From there we get clips from the pre-show where Neville & the Lucha Dragons lost to Stardust & the Ascension. Another curious piece of 50-50 booking would be a reversal of the same result on Raw the next night. What purpose does any of that really serve? From there we go backstage where Ric Flair and PCB celebrate Charlotte’s title win. The Wyatt Family vs. Roman Reigns, Dean Ambrose & Mystery Partner There’s been a lot of debate about who the third man in the Shield team will be. I’d love for Seth Rollins to team up with the guys again but he’s already wrestling twice so that would be overkill. Bray’s entrance, as per usual, is super cool and the crowd love it only to start booing when he poses on the corner. Why does Roman still come in through the crowd when Ambrose doesn’t anymore? A fan tries to run in before they announce the mystery partner drawing a great improv from Wyatt. “That’s your guy?” Anyway, the third man is Chris Jericho, as he’s got history with Bray Wyatt and has been working for the WWE on house shows so he’s available. He’s only wrestled once on TV so far this year, despite thirty house show dates, working the Network special “Beast in the East”. Before that his last TV appearance was losing at last year’s Night of the Champions to Randy Orton. Jericho’s presence perks the contest up a bit as the others have been working together for a while, without much interest. The WWE seem intent at getting Braun over as a killer, even if the crowd really don’t give a crap about him. He looks like a gigantic man-baby with enough forehead for two people. I don’t get sacrificing genuine talents to him. There is a need for new stars on the roster but Braun is completely inexperienced and not gifted, nor threatening. So why pick him? Because he’s big. Luke Harper is actually scary, even if he’s smaller, because he has the look of a serial killer but they’ve already cocked his booking up. When Braun shows weakness it’s because he’s standing on the apron in place for Jericho to dropkick. All that work they’ve already done on Strowman to get decked by Jericho? The guy jobs to everyone. Ambrose and Wyatt have the best sequence of the match, both attempting finishers only for them to be countered in inventive fashion. Braun gets a shoeing from Roman and Ambrose, with Reigns having the match won only for Jericho to tag in blind. As per usual poor Chris gets overpowered and is used as fodder for Strowman. The crowd’s “urgh” reaction is palpable. The match was ‘there’ with a decent final third. I don’t really care about the storyline I’m presented with here. Maybe it’s partially because I wanted someone better as the third man, and maybe it’s because I was hoping this was heading to a Shield reunion. As heels. But hey, that might still happen. Final Rating: ** Video Control takes us backstage where the Authority big up Seth Rollins, who’s up against two first ballot Hall of Famers tonight. I wonder if that means Sting will go in next year then? Sheamus walks in to hint at cashing in tonight. WWE United States Championship Seth Rollins (c) vs. John Cena As with Ryback-Owens, the crowd hate the babyface and cheer the heel. It’s perhaps less obvious here as Seth has his White Power Ranger gear on again. Maybe he considers it a good look charm, having bested Cena for the US title while wearing it. These two had a thrilling, outstanding match at Summerslam…until the finish. It’s still a contender for WWE MOTY. That’s what they have to live up to and Seth is wrestling again after this match. Like the Summerslam contest, they establish a quick pace, determined to be the showstealer. Seth has a lot of clever counters for Cena’s rather predictable move set. It shows how good Rollins is, confirming his status at the top end of the card. When Rollins tries the same counter twice, Big Match John finds a switch in tactics and busts out the Code Red. JBL makes a fair point that Cena changed with the times, as an in-ring competitor, which is why he’s been so successful for so long. Cena again surprises by countering the Bucklebomb into a rana into the corner. Indy Spot-Monkey Cena is the best Cena! The match exists on a higher plane than most of the night, with the action fast-paced, inventive and loaded with high spots. Not just ridiculous moves but effective moves and counters thereof. For instance, Seth manages a roll through out of a superplex into another suplex. It’s ridiculous and wonderful. Cena does rely on his old finishing holds, frequently going after the AA and the Struggle Snuggle. I’m surprised, given how many times both have been escaped from, that when Cena started doing the springboard Stunner and the Code Red, that they didn’t supplant the normal moves as Cena’s finishers. Diving Rocker Dropper sets up the AA and Cena wins his title back. Thrilling contest, loaded with effective big spots and the kind of chemistry that makes me hope for a third match between them. Preferably without it burying Seth Rollins back into midcard obscurity like long feuds do for every Cena opponent. Final Rating: ****1/2 WWE World Heavyweight Championship Seth Rollins (c) vs. Sting This would be far more effective if Sting hadn’t lost to Triple H at Wrestlemania. It didn’t make any sense at the time and it doesn’t make any sense now. Although, and I have to say this, I did call it at the time. The ‘spoiler Triple H wins’ meme overpowers all. Kudos to Seth Rollins for working two PPV matches back to back to headline the show. It sets him apart as a workhorse, something the WWE haven’t had since Daniel Bryan went down injured in April. The pressure is on him as Sting doesn’t need to do anything to cement his own legend. His advanced years have not altered his technique or in-ring and unlike a lot of exciting power wrestlers he’s not deteriorated with age. Hell, he’s well into his 50s and is wrestling almost exactly the same as he did 17 years ago, in his prime. Maybe slightly passed his prime at that point. Nevertheless he’s not deteriorated like a lot of other workers and Rollins doesn’t need to carry the match. It’s a decent back and forth, although much, much slower than the Cena match. Sting suffers a head injury when taking the Spanish table spot and that slows him right down. Seth takes some silly bumps during the two main events. A couple of monster ones against Sting especially. A massive backdrop over the top near the start and another where he takes a nasty spill to the floor. Sting is no slouch and is keen to cement that damn legacy by busting his ass. A crossbody to the floor and the Scorpion Deathdrop have Seth grabbing at the ropes. Sting takes a horrific bump on the Bucklebomb, legitimately destroying his neck in the process and you can tell something is wrong as he just drops to the canvas. It’s a really, really bad injury. Sting twice collapses without contact and, because this is wrestling, the match must continue! If it was any other sport Sting would have been carted to the back. They hurriedly go to a Scorpion Deathlock with Sting still wobbly legged. They try that again only with Rollins blocking it into a pin and that’s the match done. Sting’s neck injury was described as “significant”, which at his age (56 years old, if you recall) probably means he’s now retired. An unfortunate end to an incredible career. If only they’d done the real dream match vs. the Undertaker. Final Rating: ***1/4 Post Match: Sheamus runs out here. BROGUE KICK. Sheamus is cashing in…only he’s not because OLD SCHOOL KANE is back. Complete with mask and “hair”. Kane quite happily chokeslams Rollins and Sheamus is eager to cash in again. Until Kane chokeslams him and Tombstones Seth. So, Kane is in line for a title shot? Super. Summary: Pretty solid show, with Cena vs. Rollins being the star attraction. The injury to Sting is a bad one and what the show may ultimately be remembered for, depending on whether he makes a full recovery. Seth Rollins comes out of the show looking extremely good as he wrestled two main event matches and looked great in both. He dropped the less important belt in a phenomenal match and retained his title in difficult circumstances. Nothing on the undercard was actively bad and two title changes put hardcore fanbase favourites Kevin Owens and Charlotte into plum positions. I have very few complaints about the show as a whole but the only match worth going out of your way for is Rollins vs. Cena, which was on a par with the Summerslam match. Verdict: 79 We are less than a week way from Night of Champions, a show I am rather looking forward to, mainly to see how WWE is going to approach its World and United States title pictures. Surely John Cena is a lock to defeat Seth and bring back his excellent weekly Open Challenge to Raw. The main event is less predictable. I cannot see Sting walking away with the WWE Championship, but stranger things have happened. If he doesn't, then the question is how do they beat him? That ridiculous job to Triple H at WrestleMania looks more and more ridiculous with each passing week. Let’s just hope that the woeful Sheamus is nowhere near any of this. They need to get the briefcase off him immediately and put him back where he belongs in the middle of the card.
This is the “season premiere” of Raw, which means football has started and they are worried about what the impact will be on the ratings after last week’s horror show in the Nielsens. Thus we have two big title matches tonight, and WWE will, in theory, be making a concerted effort to put on a memorable show. Promo Time: The Authority The resident WWE Big Bad show their heelish nature immediately by pointing to a huge “Connor’s Cure” logo emblazoned on the ramp, just in case you forgot that WWE are doing something charitable and needed reminding of that. They waffle on about nothing in particular for a few minutes, reminding us of some names on the roster, then running through the cards tonight and at Night of Champions. They both promise we will see history courtesy of the Nikki Bella vs. Charlotte match that will either break AJ Lee’s pointless record, or will crown a new champion. In addition, Sting will be wrestling on Raw for the first time ever, which shows how desperate WWE are to prevent this show from flopping. The prospect of Sting wrestling on Raw does sound pretty great, until Hunter reveals his opponent: The Big Show. The motherfucking Big Show! What is this, Nitro? Oh my god, what is wrong with them? Why does everyone you might want to watch have to work with the frigging Big Show? WWE Tag Team Championship The New Day (c) vs. The Prime Time Players The champs are wearing new gear which is so good it makes me do a little dance. Apparently the feeling is shared by Steph and Triple H, who boogie in the ring with New Day before the match. I admit it, I was wrong about New Day. Well actually no, I wasn't, because they did suck, but they have evolved into one of the best acts on the roster. Much to my delight, Xavier has his trolling trombone with him. That thing is to him what the megaphone was to Jimmy Hart. The winners of this face the Dudleys for the belts at Night of Champions, so it is an important match. A shame then, that the announcers treat it as an afterthought and spend most of the contest talking about Sting. The match is the same bout these guys always have, only with the addition of a Xavier Woods soundtrack. He is so good that he babyfaces himself, and the crowd start chanting “New Day rocks” along with his playing. Xavier is a brilliant dick manager, and uses his trombone to distract the referee and give New Day the advantage back after some Darren Young fire. “OH NO! WHAT HAPPENED TO DARREN?” yells Woods in his most obnoxious voice. He will rank in this year’s Guilty Pleasure award for sure. After commercial, Michael Cole reminds us for the tenth time already on this show that this is the season premiere of Raw, then Xavier immediately takes me from annoyed to amused by playing the Pink Panther theme on his trombone as Big E stalks Young. “Let’s go New Day, New Day suck.” Only this time the older fans are doing the first part, and the kids are doing the latter. Welcome to bizzaro world. A hot tag to Titus gets the fans back behind the PTP, because he is so charismatic and likeable that he wins everyone over. Unfortunately he gets distracted by the trombone, and the distraction leads to him getting pinned because, of course it does. The distraction finish is the most deadly in the business. “Nighty nighty Titus” bellows Cole as Titus succumbs to defeat. What a nerd. Final Rating: ** “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the season premiere of Monday Night Raw” - Cole. I am beginning to lose my patience, and we are not even half an hour in. Backstage, Steph marks out over Triple H’s dancing. Seth Rollins walks in and praises his mom and dad for booking Sting on tonight’s show, then moans about his two other problems: John Cena and Sheamus. Trips says he has solved his own problem, and books them against each other tonight. Well, I could live without seeing Sheamus, but at least he isn't wrestling Randy Orton again. In a moment of growth, WWE show a highlight video of Charlotte challenging Nikki Bella last week. Yes, they are actually hyping and building to a Divas match! Charlotte does a promo with Renee Young, and she has her famous father Ric Flair there with her. I wonder if Nikki will bring out her soon to be father-in-law John Laurinitis in her corner. Flair tries to talk them into the armchairs by building up tonight’s match in a manner that only he can, and to my horror, I am almost looking forward to a Nikki Bella match! Paige vs. Sasha Banks Cole feels the need to explain why Charlotte isn't here with Paige and Becky Lynch. I wish he didn't feel the need to point out the ins and outs of every single minute detail. Let people read between the lines themselves and draw their own conclusions. It is bad enough that WWE micro manage themselves to such excessive degrees, they don't need to do it to the audience too. Is there any good reason why this couldn't have been Becky vs. Sasha? It is almost as if they are afraid of putting on a good women’s match on the main roster. We have seen Paige-Sasha for the past few weeks, and they have been nothing special. Paige is too WWE-ized now to be capable of having the kind of matches she used to have in NXT. Credit where it is due though, they certainly try hard. Sasha works over Paige’s arm, and the psychology is solid. Paige returns fire with a flurry of hard kicks, then nearly kicks Sasha with a dangerous German suplex that Sasha takes right on her head. You can tell that the referee, announcers and Paige are worried that she is hurt, but Sasha is a tough girl and gets right back up. Paige goes for a cannonball off the apron, but Tamina (no longer Snuka) pulls Sasha out of the way, causing Paige to crash and burn. Back inside Sasha hits the Backstabber followed by the Bank Statement for the win. Good match by Raw women’s standards, but too short to be anything special. Final Rating: **1/4 We get a recap of the recent attempts of Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns to find a partner to go against the Wyatt Family, and the subsequent beatings that their potential teammates have suffered as a result of their name’s being mentioned. Last week on Raw it was Randy Orton, then on SmackDown Dean brought Roman’s family into it by suggesting Jimmy Uso. He got a kicking from the Wyatts as well. That little family detail could yet prove important. I suspect it will be the start of Roman’s heel turn, a move he desperately needs to make because he has floundered since WrestleMania. MizTV: The Wyatt Family If I haven't said it before, I will now: I adore the little touch of making the Wyatt’s name graphic a collection of lights which spell out their name then disperse. They do a similarly gimmicked nameplate for Rusev too. More of this, please! Miz appreciates the ambiance that the Wyatts bring to his set, with the ring shrouded in darkness and only a spotlight highlighting them. If you think about it too much it doesn't make any sense of course. Do the Wyatts employ their own lighting technicians? Maybe they do, I don't know, I am merely asking. Bray warns Miz not to sit down because he is not safe, to which Miz responds by assuring him that he is not Reigns and Ambrose’s partner at... Hell in a Cell! Oh dear. Miz doesn't realise his error, and carried on with his interview, asking, “Who is Braun Strowman?” Bray tells him to ask Braun himself, which Miz does. Braun takes off his black sheep mask, and says nothing. Bray mocks Miz for putting himself in danger to get a scoop, then tells him he wants to see him suffer. Don't we all. Shield minus one arrive to take care of business, which prompts Cole to ask, “Are they alone?” Do you see anyone else!? Dumbass. Ambrose immediately lays waste to Miz, leading to a stare down between the two rival groups. Reigns addresses Bray, who he says makes him sick, and criticises him for not being able to beat him one-on-one. Interesting thing to say, given Bray beat him at Battleground two months ago. Roman says they have found a third man, and that it is going to be a war on Sunday. Then the Wyatt family noise hits, the lights go dark, and that is the end of the segment. That would be fine, but then we go straight to the announce team. What happened to the guys in the ring? Did they just magically disappear? Good segment though, that made me want to see this match. A minor miracle actually, as I was sick of this program months ago. Knowing WWE, it will turn out to be Erik Rowan. If he comes out as the mystery partner to that ridiculous music of his, it will go down like a big wet shart in white y-fronts. “This is the season premiere...” I swear, I want to punch him in the mouth so hard. John Cena vs. Sheamus These days, I look forward to John Cena matches. Not this one. Sheamus is my least favourite male wrestler to watch in the entire company. The match is pretty heatless because nobody will cheer for Cena other than a few high-pitched kids, and nobody in the building gives a shit about Sheamus. Nobody. They run through their trademark spots with little variation, passion, or feeling. There is no soul to the match, and it is ultimately meaningless. They shoot for epic with extended selling and big hits, but they don't reach it. Or even come close. I don't enjoy criticising John Cena after the excellent year he has had, but this is one of his weakest outings in a while. The match isn't terrible or anything, there is just nothing to it that we haven't seen a million times. In a move that further panics me knowing how WWE book, Cena picks up the clean win following the AA, after completely no-selling a rolling senton. Often when the briefcase holder loses to handily, they are about to get the title. I know, it doesn't make sense, but, y‘know, WWE. Robot Saxton notes in monotone that, “The match surely delivered”. It surely did no such thing. Painfully average. Final Rating: ** * Feel free to add a snowflake if you have never seen a Sheamus or John Cena match before. Backstage, Nikki Bella warms up while Team Bella randomly clap. An onscreen graphic reminds us that Nikki breaks in the record in just over two hours. What amuses me is that even if Nikki does beat the record, AJ will still be clear at the top of the pile for cumulative reigns by over one hundred days. Of course, we all know the record means nothing anyway, but even more so when you consider that Nikki hasn't actually defended the title since Beast in the East, which was over two months ago. What happened to that old chestnut the thirty day rule? They could have actually built drama with this storyline by having her defend it week after week, rather than just holding onto it to keep a record. It means as much as Curtis Axel’s record amount of time in the Royal Rumble. It is a meaningless title, with a meaningless champion, going for a meaningless record. The whole thing is a farce. Promo Time: Ryback Ryback does the worst promo in the history of promos, noting that it is fitting they are in Memphis because apparently Kevin Owens has him, “All shook up, uh hu hu.” Oh man. When that goes down like a lead balloon, Ryback smiles blankly and carries on. Owens comes out and brings up Ryback’s promo on Raw a few months back where he put over the book The Secret as having helped him overcome obstacles in his life. Owens is clutching a copy of said tome, and he rips it to shreds. “I feel sorry for you and all of the other people who believe this garbage.” So is this the program now then? Ryback is going to defend the honour of his favourite book against that nasty Kevin Owens? Maybe Rhonda Byrne, scribe of said book, can serve as the referee. Owens destroys Ryback in this promo battle, just absolutely mauls him. Owens is articulate, believable and natural, whereas Ryback is all twitches, nervous energy and scripted lines. It is like night and day. The crux is that Ryback will defend the Intercontinental Championship against Owens at Night of Champions. That will be... interesting. Stardust vs. Neville Stardust is flanked by The Ascension, who are now serving as his “henchmen”. Neville is flanked by the Lucha Dragons after a comical segment on SmackDown where the new cosmic faction beat up the Dragons, and Neville chased all three of them off on his own. What a heel unit! This doesn't even happen, presumably down to time constraints, with Neville and the Dragons hitting the ring and taking out the face-painted trio in seconds, then Neville’s music playing for no apparent reason, without any finish having been called. A waste of time. I would suspect this six-man tag will be your pre-show match at the PPV. Neville is being utterly wasted on the main roster. Final Rating: N/R WWE Diva’s Championship Nikki Bella (c) vs. Charlotte They have done a very good job building this up as a big deal, but there is a big problem still to overcome: Nikki is one of the participants. I suspect shenanigans will cost Charlotte here, allowing Nikki to break the record, before Charlotte wins a rematch at Night of Champions and finally (hopefully) kick starts this supposed revolution. The story doing the rounds at the moment is that Nikki’s title reign was supposed to end months ago, but John Cena stepped in and used his considerable political stroke to keep the belt on his gal, presumably to prevent her incessant pouting. It is also said that he was rather vocal about her keeping the belt tonight and breaking the record, but I find it hard to believe. Unless Nikki really is that much of a mark that she really cares about breaking it. JBL, ever the idiot, points out that Charlotte’s dad was in one of the greatest factions of all time: Evolution! Not the Four Horsemen, then? Charlotte does an interesting rolling head scissor early on, but Nikki comes back with arm work. Didn't she watch Sasha and Paige run the exact same play earlier on? Poor agenting. Charlotte breaks a Nikki submission by powering out with a powerbomb, as her PCB cheerleaders on the outside try and get the crowd going. They don't really buy into it, and then things fall apart when they take forever over a sunset flip, during which Nikki’s pants come down a little. That distracts her so much that she runs the ropes a couple of times more than needed while trying to pull them up, before walking into a spear. Cue the nonsense then, with Brie switching places with Nikki for the old “twin magic” deal, and Charlotte pinning her to win the title. But not so fast. We have a Dusty Finish on our hands, because mom (Stephanie) comes onto the stage to sort things out. She declares Charlotte the winner via DQ, then books the rematch at NOC. Told you! The crowd is deflated about that ruling. You have to wonder though, why didn't Nikki just get herself intentionally disqualified from the start? So there you go ladies and gentleman, Nikki Bella is the undisputed longest reigning Divas Champion of all time. Let’s all have a big petty celebration now that AJ Lee’s record has been wiped out. I don't expect we will ever hear her name on WWE programming ever again. Final Rating: **1/4 Rusev vs. Cesaro I notice no mention has been made of the retarded booking last week that saw Big Show knock out Cesaro in the aisle for no other reason than because he was there. It made him look like a chump. The Cesaro Section is out in force, but until they start turning on the product like the fans did to support Daniel Bryan, they won’t get anywhere. There is no reason for the match going in, so the fans are not really all that bothered about it. They do at least amuse themselves by chanting, “Ce-Sa-Ro SECTION” to the cadence of “New Day rocks”. A couple of minutes in, Dolph Ziggler heads to the ring and tries to give Summer Rae a gift, which given how it is boxed and wrapped appears to be jewellery. She refuses to open it, so Dolph leaves it on the announce desk. The distraction is deadly for Rusev of course, who gets caught with a swanky hammerlock roll up and pinned. Cesaro won a match! Dolph gives Rusev a superkick after the match, and Summer grabs the mystery gift and leaves with her man. Final Rating: * After commercial, Summer opens her gift in secret, and it is indeed jewellery. Rusev screams and hits the locker room door, demanding she come inside. Trouble is brewing. Low and behold, the six man tag I predicted earlier has been added to the Night of Champions pre-show. Not that they are predictable, or anything. Sting vs. The Big Show This is their first meeting since October 1998, seventeen years ago. The last time they met on pay-per-view was at Great American Bash 1998, where they headlined in a real shitfest of a match. The Authority are at ringside for the match, guaranteeing silliness. It bothers me that Sting no longer wears a leather jacket for his entrance. It feels half-assed. I do get a kick out of Lillian Garcia doing the “This is Sting!” bit to announce him. Michael Cole drops another beauty, declaring that this match, “show how far we have come in Sports Entertainment”. Oh yes, there’s nothing like recycling crap main events from a rival promotion twenty years later. Sting wrestles in his t-shirt, which is another bugbear of mine. Sting dominates for a couple of minutes, then Seth Rollins runs down for the DQ, pissing the crowd off beyond belief. “Welcome to Monday Night Raw,” bellows JBL. Yeah, that says it all doesn't it. Nothing turns fans off like building to a match for three hours and then delivering two minutes worth of action before going to a crap non finish. Thankfully, Triple H is the voice of the people, and rebooks the main event into a tag match. Well, thank god for that. Final Rating: N/R Sting & John Cena vs. The Big Show & Seth Rollins I actually would have preferred Seth and Sting to not touch until the pay-per-view, but I will take this over a lame DQ. To no surprise, Cena does the bulk of the work for his team, taking a beating from Show and Seth. Show, who has done almost nothing, is sweating like Brock Lesnar. This man needs to be away from wrestling rings yesterday. The pace is snail-like when Show is in there, and it is fucking tedious. I would have preferred the non finish to this! Seth keeps the tempo glacial when he finally tags in, then when Show gets in the ring again he uses a STOMACH CLAW OF DEATH to immobilise Cena. Show follows with a Vader Bomb, but he is sweating so much and is so blown up that it looks atrocious. “SPLAT!” yells Mackle. “He missed by a good foot,” responds I. A long, slow, formulaic tag match is not what the doctor ordered for this besmirched audience. The match kills them dead. Show goes for his useless Vader Bomb again, and this time misses. Sting finally gets the hot tag and goes to town on Rollins, only to get tackles down by Show. Cena takes out the giant sweaty beast with an impressive AA, only to turn into a Pedigree attempt by Rollins. Sting is there to save the day with a Scorpion Death Drop, then finishes Rollins with the Scorpion Deathlock. And now we know who is going over at NOC. Sting has won a match now, and pinned the WWE Champion, so in WWE’s skewed mind that is enough to justify beating him on pay-per-view again. Horrible, horrible match. The Big Show is the worst wrestler in the company. I take back what I said about Sheamus earlier. Show is far worse. Final Rating: DUD THE RAW RECAP: Most Entertaining: Xavier Woods and his trombone. Least Entertaining: The Big Show. Quote of the Night: “I have to uphold the integrity of the Diva’s division!” - Stephanie McMahon. Insert your own joke her. Match of the Night: It might have been Nikki vs. Charlotte if not for the copout finish. But it isn't, because I cannot praise a Dusty Finish in 2015. Nothing else stood out. The wrestling was serviceable but mainly mundane tonight. Summary: It was a show that promised much, but delivered precious little. The strongest segments were probably the talking ones, or the bouts that featured outside shenanigans such as the opener. The rest felt like a bunch of performers going through the motions, and it certainly didn't feel like the special show it was supposed to be. At least WWE realised that there was far too much Seth Rollins last week, and countered that by barely featuring him tonight. The problem was, they replaced him with garbage. A real let down, and I will be amazed if they managed to hold interest throughout the football game for the duration of the laborious three hours. Verdict: 38 We’re in Baltimore, Maryland. Hosts are Michael Cole, JBL and Byron Saxton.
Promo Time: Seth Rollins Triple H and Stephanie are rumoured to be missing from this Labor Day weekend show as they’re taking the weekend off. So instead of them yacking for 15-20 minutes we get the champ instead. Rollins recounts his achievements; winning everything, cashing in at ‘Mania and knocking John Cena off his perch. Seth calls Sting’s title shot a chance for him to “validate his legacy” but Rollins intends to crush that legacy. The crowd get bored and chant “boring”, which all of these droning opening promos are. This one goes on waaaaay too long. Once Seth has gotten his initial points across he starts rambling about his statue. This leads to Sting revealing he’s still got Seth’s statue. Before Seth can go after it Sheamus interrupts. “Do you realise how stupid you sound?” – Sheamus. “Do you realise how stupid you look?” “You look like Ronald McDonald with a bad haircut”. Sheamus implies he might cash in at Night of Champions, seeing as Seth already has two matches on that card. If they put the belt on Sheamus, I’m seriously not reviewing these shows anymore. Video Control takes us backstage where Seth chats with Steph and Hunter, so it looks like the McMahon-Helmsley’s got back from their holiday early. The droning continues unabated. Why don’t they just rename the promotion World Talking Entertainment then Triple H can stand in the ring talking for three hours. Hunter books some matches to properly prepare Seth for Night of Champions and Rollins is doing double duty tonight. Vs. Ryback and tagging with New Day vs. Cena and the Prime Time Players. The real agonising moment of this chat was Hunter booking Sheamus vs. Randy Orton for tonight. For the love of God, they’ve run this match into the ground and it wasn’t good to start with. There is an audible groan from Baltimore. They’ve seen this match before too. Paige vs. Sasha Banks A diva’s match without a Bella involved! Hallelujah! Paige starts the match badly by doing diva crap like hair mares. As Sasha completely outclasses Paige it makes me wonder if Paige’s run on the main roster has turned her soft. Sasha has better ideas, better structure to her offence and generally wrestles a far superior match. Paige has more experience but it takes her a while to become adjusted to how good Sasha is. The first few minutes are grotesque. Paige’s weakness doesn’t stop there as she hits a weak looking senton onto Tamina. At least the in-ring action picks up with Banks taking a wonderfully sick bump off the wheelbarrow suplex. The crowd are into it, thanks to Sasha’s skill, and Banks scores the pin by countering the PTO into a cradle. Both girls shoulders were down incidentally so if Paige wants a way out of that job it’s there. Ok match but there’s a feeling the Divas Revolution has gone badly thus far and they need a big match at some point to convince the fans the corner has been turned. I have no doubt that one of Sasha, Charlotte or Becky will be involved but they need that match to come quickly. Final Rating: **1/2 The Ascension vs. Roman Reigns & Dean Ambrose Am I the only one who wants Reigns & Ambrose to team up with Rollins again as a heel SHIELD? A unit designed to protect Seth’s title would make sense, especially if the current angle is leading to a turn for either Seth or Hunter to set up a match between them. Both Roman and Ambrose seem to be drifting at the moment. It’ll be interesting to see who their third man is against the Wyatt Family at Night of Champions. If it’s Erik Rowan then I’ll be disappointed. If it’s someone good, setting up a SHIELD 2.0 I’d be onboard. The Ascension are lambs to the slaughter here, getting beaten up throughout until a series of finishers ends it. Final Rating: ½* Video Control takes us backstage where a happy, cartoonish Ryback calls himself a fighting champion. It looks like he’s reading off an autocue but when the camera goes wide there’s nothing there. Ryback is such a goof. Kevin Owens arrives, eating an apple in sinister fashion to warn the IC champ to not bite off more than he can chew. From there we get a saucy gossipy TMZ-style recap of the Dolph-Lana-Summer Rae angle. Champion vs. Champion Ryback vs. Seth Rollins The IC, US and WWE titles are all represented here, making it a little odd to do this as the throwaway midcard match while Seth tagging with New Day is the main event. You’d think this was more important but I guess that shows how highly the IC title is regarded. Ryback has a decent opening shine, even if he’s a little unorthodox. He’s such a goofy character. It obviously suits the guy though so at least they’re working to his strengths. Considering the WWE champion is in this match it’s strangely heatless. Baltimore only getting excited enough to chant “where’s your statue?” for a bit. Ryback starts to get the crowd invested with near falls and Seth is really generous in the match, making Ryback look like a monster. The only thing Seth lauds over the IC champ is his superior intelligence, but Ryback is widely regarded as being a bit of a dummy so that’s ok. Rollins is tactically astute, avoiding Ryback’s aerial offence (Flyback!) and attempting to win via countout, knowing Ryback has more power than him. The match owes a lot to Seth’s intelligence and the way he sets Ryback up for his comebacks. Plus his counters are slick and the way he baits Ryback into them is great. Sting distracts via Titantron and Ryback gets the distraction roll up pinfall win. What is with that finish? I guess Seth really likes that statue. Decent match though, Rollins showed he could be the Flair to Ryback’s Nikita Koloff. Final Rating: *** Video Control takes us backstage where the New Day try to cheer up Seth by playing trombone for him and clapping it out. They’re interrupted by Edge & Christian, in town to do Steve Austin’s podcast. They’re both looking skinny, even next to Seth Rollins. Edge basically challenges Seth to a fight so Rollins heads off. Xavier trombones his way into a battle with Christian who produces the KAZOO! Which Big E eats…and the Dudley Boyz turn up! They’ve got the Prime Time Players a rematch next week on Raw and whoever wins that match has the Dudleys at Night of Champions. “NOW, you can leave” – Bubba Ray Dudley. Tangent: I’ve been told that Xavier’s music of choice was the victory music from Final Fantasy. Which goes to show I don’t play as many video games as my fellow wrestling nerds. Promo Time: Summer Rae She’s out here to publicly apologise to Rusev for shagging Dolph Ziggler. Apparently the story grabbed “the entire planet” last week (Cole). Rusev accepts the apology but Dolph arrives to call the whole thing BS. The storyline isn’t doing much for me because they’ve already run Ziggler-Rusev into the ground. The whole thing just screams “MIDCARD”. You know how you can tell the WWE has no plans to make you into a top tier guy? You’re secondary to a valet in an angle. Rusev’s delivery is actually exceptional, constantly making derogatory comments toward Ziggler (“skinny American”) and putting over the storyline as a whole. Ziggler, who increasingly feels like the heel in this feud, superkicks Rusev out of the ring. Hopefully they’ve got a plan for this feud before it does damage to poor Rusev, already badly derailed by a slew of defeats to John Cena this year and injuries. Video Control picks up Randy Orton chatting to Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose. I could probably get onboard with a Wyatt vs. Orton feud. Randy Orton vs. Sheamus Oh for the love of sweet baby Jesus, not this match AGAIN. How many wrestlers does the WWE currently employ and yet Raw seems to recycle the same matches over and over again to the point where nobody wants to see them. Especially these two goons who wrestle the same tedious match over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. This is the same tedious match as always, with nothing new added and it goes sixteen coma inducing minutes. Skip to any moment in this match and you’re likely to catch them in a fucking chinlock or stalling. Baltimore must not have been paying attention to the million other Orton-Sheamus matches and get into it down the stretch. The familiar finisher countering and other such business just about saves this from negative stars but even at the match’s dramatic conclusion the spots look contrived because they’re the same recycled spots over and over again. Orton is incapable of making near misses look realistic. The only thing he has going for him now is the RKO and he clocks Sheamus with that to end the pain. Post match business finally picks up as the Wyatt Family destroy Orton suspecting he’s the third man. Remind me never to stop off and chat with Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose in a hallway! Final Rating: ½* The Dudley Boyz vs. Los Matadores Los Matadores have been doing nothing worthwhile for an eternity, despite there being dead time on Raw every single week that could be filled by the tag team division. Torito gets himself slapped by Diego who then turns into the 3D. Los Matadores are allegedly getting repackaged, which is bad news for the midget in the bull costume. Maybe the Dudley Boyz could adopt him as foot stool or something. The Duds table Fernando to stop him bullying El Torito. I would not have any faith in the WWE to repackage Los Matadores as anything worthwhile. Maybe they’ll just unmask them and have them wrestle as the Colon Brothers. If that happens they’ll probably get future endeavoured by years end. Final Rating: SQUASH Cesaro vs. The Miz I know Cesaro is generally considered to be job-proof but would it kill the WWE to put him over someone once in a while? It grates at me that Miz used to be part of one of the most entertaining acts on Raw at the start of the year and the interesting part of it, Damien Sandow, is no longer on TV and yet Miz seems to be on this show every goddamn week. Sandow hasn’t wrestled on Raw since May. Cesaro on the other hand is on rare form, mocking Miz’s spots before borrowing JBL’s hat for a few spots. “Who says he doesn’t have a personality” – Cole. NOBODY, you odious little cretin! Nobody! Everyone loves this guy apart from the goddamn bookers. He’s one of the best wrestlers in the promotion, one of the most enigmatic performers they have and one of the most inventive wrestlers in the business. Miz takes over on the floor but Big Show runs down and it’s a double count out. Jesus, they couldn’t even put Cesaro over Miz on count out! Come on, guys. Give him *something*. They even have Show KO punch Cesaro on the way out, treating him like absolute garbage. All to further a feud between Big Show and Miz that NOBODY wants to see, ever. Fuck this promotion. Final Rating: ½* Promo Time: Team Bella Nikki has a week left before she beats AJ Lee for the longest reign in divas history so the WWE can wipe that record off their books, seeing as AJ is married to black-listed CM Punk. Nikki has all of seven days until she breaks the record so she’s got a celebration planned for next week’s Raw. This brings out PCB and Charlotte has a title shot next week on Raw, right before Nikki breaks the record. At least that should give next week’s Raw a little drama. PCB clean the ring and Charlotte hooks the Figure Eight. I don’t care one way or the other if Nikki beats the record as long as she drops the belt soon. There’s a revolution happening and she’s the queen. If a revolution is successful, that means the queen gets booted out. Just so we’re clear on that. John Cena & The Prime Time Players vs. Seth Rollins & The New Day I appreciate the WWE actually incorporating the tag titles into the hottest angle they’ve got. Oh no, wait, that’s Lesnar vs. Undertaker. Seth is selling the effects of the earlier match and a fan jumps the barricade to walk to the ring with him. Seth’s calm indifference is pretty spectacular. At least the guy didn’t attack Rollins and the incident was fairly uneventful. JBL tries to do his “Chief Jay Trombone” gag again and again the other commentators completely ignore him. Big E and his “tricep meat” take over on Cena and the New Day’s whole act is working so well now it’s actually shocking to me. Because a couple of months ago I hated them and the gimmick and they’ve completely turned it around. Xavier times the trombone perfectly to Kofi hitting a corner dropkick. It’s hilarious. That trombone is a life-saver. If anyone ever breaks it they’re the biggest heel in the company. New Day work over Cena for heat, for ages and are totally convincing doing it. Not to mention entertaining, largely because of Xavier Woods trombone but also because of the other two dancing. What I like best about the whole thing is the way the tag teams tag teaming is superior to a singles star singles shtick. Super Cena recovers from his lengthy heat segment to hit the AA on Kofi for the win. This was all about the New Day and how wildly entertaining they’ve become during the course of the year. They certainly stole the show here although Cena gets a decent chuckle doing the Millions of Dollars dance with PTP. This match was so much fun it felt like a house show where they can get away with goofing off. Sometimes it’s nice to just take the pressure off the main event and have a laugh instead. Final Rating: *** Post Match: Sting turns the lights on at his location, revealing himself in front of a garbage truck and throws Seth’s statue into the truck. It’s a damn shame, that was a nice looking statue but this was always its destiny. I’m amazed it lived for three weeks. RIP Statuesque Seth. Sting’s weird Joker-esque approach to this segment made it work. THE RAW RECAP: Most Entertaining: Xavier Woods’ trombone. Least Entertaining: Miz, Big Show, Orton, Sheamus Quote of the Night: “He can catch John Cena no matter the circumstances, because he’s SO STRONG” – Xavier Woods, in between playing the trombone Match of the Night: Cena & PTP vs. Seth Rollins & New Day Summary: A pretty dreadful show on the whole. That Orton-Sheamus match just destroyed any joy that existed in the universe. Segments and matches like that one just drag down the enjoyment of professional wrestling. You know it’ll be bad, the WWE must surely know people aren’t that into it and fifteen minutes later it’s all confirmed. At least some of the WWE’s acts are enjoying themselves. The New Day owned the main event, Seth Rollins looked like a pro in putting Ryback over (even though I’d have gone with Seth cheating to win as he’s jobbing too much), Cesaro was great and Sasha Banks looked decent in the opener. The problem they have is programming their best talents in with people who are worthwhile, which at the moment isn’t happening. The biggest frustration regarding the WWE is their repetitious nature (despite a big roster), which is why NXT is always a more interesting show because their show is shorter and the wrestler turnover is greater. Also that so many deserving workers keep butting heads with the glass ceiling. How long is the WWE going to carry on pretending that certain workers aren’t over when they get big pops every night and other wrestlers are over despite crowd reactions that suggest the opposite. Also the constant 50/50 booking of most of the roster helps no one (the divas, the tag guys, even Rollins, Owens, Cena, Taker, Lesnar) and three hours is too long for Raw. The complaints are constantly being recycled because the WWE never learn and keep making the same mistakes week in, week out. Triple H told us to wait for the next chapter because we might like it better but all the chapters have the same ending. Verdict: 36 After five weeks straight of up and down shows, Arnold Furious took the reins back last week, and WWE put on one of its most entertaining episodes of the year. It’s typical. Tonight promises much in what has been an interesting week for WWE to say the least, with a series of odd incidents including attempted stabbings, shootings, Nazism, and a couple of their Hall of Famers losing the plot. More on most of these things later.
We are live in Tampa, Florida, just a few hours following an unpleasant incident at the WWE Performance Center across the state. A twenty-nine year-old stalker called Armando Montalvo who had been pestering an unnamed female talent at the facility, and had been arrested and removed a few times already over the month, was caught hanging around again today. He was well-known to WWE and local police, due to a series of videos he had shot of himself mixing his shit with milk with the intention of pouring it on the building (Who does that!?), posting videos detailing his obsession with A.J. Lee, and pissing on the building. He turned up again earlier today, and made like he was going to attack Cpl. Steve Wahl. Worried that he had a knife, Wahl shot him in the stomach from one hundred feet away, leaving him in a life threatening condition at a local hospital. Promo Time: Sting Sting starts out by putting over Triple H, whom he says he has nothing but respect for. They just had to get that in, huh? Sting rips into Seth Rollins, calling him good, but not as good as Triple H, then criticises him for the way he has held onto the WWE Championship. It seems Sting is offended by Seth wanting to be held in the same regard as the three WWE legends that WWE has statues of, and it is so amusing to me that names like Bret Hart, Hulk Hogan, Shawn Michaels, Steve Austin, and Ric Flair are not on that list. “I’m going to prove that on his best day, Seth Rollins is not half the man that Triple H is.” This is a weird promo. All of a sudden the promo is over, without Sting having really said a great deal. It seems like they cut him off early, because he didn't appear to be expecting it to end. He looks grumpy about it. I guess WWE don’t trust him to stick to the script for more than five minutes at a time. Backstage, Seth whines to Stephanie about what Sting has just said. She tells him that beating a legend like Sting will only help improve his standing. What is his problem anyway? He should be confident going against an old man like Sting after having beaten guys in their prime over the past few months. Steph brings up what Sting said about Hunter, and agrees with him, irking Rollins further. Why does this have to be about Triple H? Seth wants to know where his statue is, so Steph tells him to ask Sting. I guess she is a babyface tonight. Dolph Ziggler vs. Rusev I am not exactly hankering to see this after suffering through their useless match at SummerSlam. I do like Dolph’s new long tights though, even if they do make him look like more of an eighties midcarder than ever. Lana is dressed as the dolled-up girl next door tonight, as she becomes more and more generic with each passing week. I suspect WWE have realised the error of their ways and will reunite her with Rusev eventually, though it is sad to see how far a once successful, top-end act has fallen. It will be near enough impossible to get the aura back for Rusev now. It might help if he didn't have snoozefest matches like this one. It’s another drab encounter between two guys capable of so much more. Their hearts are not into this program, and I don't blame them. The creative has hardly been on fire in making anyone care about their issue either. After running through the motions, Rusev loses his temper because he fails to win on a count out. Ziggler skips out of the Accolade into the ZigZag, bringing Summer Rae in for the DQ. The crowd enjoy seeing Summer and Lana fight after the match, but they leave a real mess in the ring from either their make-up, fake tan, or the dye in Summer’s cheap clothing running. Please, no more matches between these two. Final Rating: *1/4 Backstage, Dolph Ziggler talks with Renee Young, then disappears into his private locker room (yeah, right) which is handily located right behind where the interview is taking place. While Young is talking about what’s coming up on the show, Summer sneaks into Dolph’s room. The plot, as they say, thickens. Promo Time: Nikki Bella The next sight I am greeted with is that of the three most unlikeable faces on WWE television, Team Bella. Two of the talentless pouty bitches are all involved in singles matches tonight against members of PCB, which sounds like hell. Absolute hell. Nikki speaks, which is even more awful, and introduces the Bellatron, which shows how many days are remaining before WWE can right a perceived wrong and erase AJ Lee from their record books. Fourteen days, then we can be rid of this Bella nonsense forever. If only. Beat The Clock Challenge Alicia Fox vs. Becky Lynch All three members of PCB are against Team Bella members, and whoever wins in the least amount of time faces Nikki Bella at Night of Champions. Becky uses some nice submission holds early on, causing a cry of “Owww” from Alicia. She is subtle in her selling. Alicia, one of the worst workers I have seen in a WWE ring, shows her abilities, or rather lack thereof, with a Liu Kang dropkick that misses by a mile. Even the cut-happy production crew can’t hide that one. The match plays out to near silence, with the crowd only reacting when Becky taps Alicia in 3:21. Becky tried, but she can’t mould shit into gold. Final Rating: ½* Ryback does a promo about nothing being able to keep him down, which is broken up by the sound of cats dying. No, wait, it is Summer Rae cackling like a witch and running down the corridor. The camera cuts to Dolph Ziggler, wearing only a towel. Where are they going with this? I am not sure I even want to know. WWF Intercontinental Championship Ryback (c) vs. The Big Show As with the Ziggler-Rusev match, this is another bout I have no interest in seeing. This program has been rumbling along for what seems like years now. WWE Creative hits another one out of the park, having Miz sit ringside to do... yes, commentary. Again! He talks extensively about himself, rendering the match secondary. Not that it’s a bad thing, because the match is expectedly awful. The silence was bad for Fox vs. Lynch, but they are even quieter for this. The crowd decide they want Show to retire, so he grabs a mic and repeats his sentiments from a couple of weeks ago, telling them if they can find someone to do it, he will. Please, Florida, do it for me. Find someone, anyone, to get this fat piece of worthless shit off my screens for good. Twenty years I have had to suffer through his awful matches, I cannot take any more of it. Show is so out of shape and useless that he sweats profusely while applying a chinlock, dripping it into Ryback’s mouth. How vile. The match is painful to watch, and made even worse by the dead crowd. Show in an act of desperation, climbs to the top rope and lets Ryback throw him off with a slam, which he takes on his side. Nasty looking bump for a guy that size. Show comes back right away with a spear, showing no ill-effects from his big bump. Show looks to finish, but a distraction by Miz leaves him prone to Shellshock, and Ryback pick up the win. Someone’s signature move should be the distraction finish, because it is the most effective way to beat an opponent in WWE. Big bumps at the end aside, this was horrid. Fans in 2015 do not want to see big lummoxes go at it anymore. The only person in the world who does is Vince McMahon. Final Rating: ¼* Beat The Clock Challenge Charlotte vs. Brie Bella Not only do we have to endure the sight of the Bellas again, but Charlotte’s PCB teammates, the very ones she is competing against in this challenge, accompany her to ringside. Why does WWE insist on this cheerleading nonsense? Are they scared of dead crowds? It didn't exactly help in the earlier match, did it? Charlotte, like many in WWE, has had an interesting week, with her estranged husband Bram (formerly Kenneth Cameron in the first incarnation of The Ascension) arrested for holding his new girlfriend down by her neck in his apartment, and keeping there against her will. Has everyone gone wappy over the summer or something? Brie decides to stall, then points at the clock on the tron repeatedly to hammer home the point of what she is doing. Yeah, we got it thanks. The stalling proves to be useless, because Charlotte finishes her off in 1:40, halving Becky’s time. Becky gives a little shrug of disappointment. So much for this Divalution and the longer matches that were being championed. I will say this though, they have been far less prone to shouting “DIVAS REVOLUTION” tonight than usual. It hasn't felt like a marketing campaign as much as it has over the past few weeks. Mind you, that could just be because they have lost all faith in the project and have decided to go back to what they were doing before. Final Rating: DUD Backstage, the Dudleys do a promo. They are back to win the tag belts, and to put everyone in the company through tables. Sounds good. I am absolutely ecstatic about the return of the Dudleys, for the record. Cesaro vs. Kevin Owens Another SummerSlam retread next, only I am not complaining in the slightest about this one. I do fully expect Even Steven booking to play a part though, because that is how WWE do things. Everyone beats everyone, no one gets over beyond the midcard. That is the way it goes. I really hope this gets plenty of time, because this show is dying so far. “Cesaro will let his fists do the talking,” says the ever idiotic Cole, as Cesaro unloads with European uppercuts. Not his fists. Cesaro impresses early on with a long delayed stalling suplex, following up with a double foot stomp. Owens, who is popular in Florida, decides to take a walk to buy some time. He gets met with Cesaro’s always-impressive running uppercut into the barricade. They work hard, but the crowd is really terrible. They have been quiet all night, and it hurts the show. Miserable Florida bastards. Maybe they are still worried about the tropical storm that was due to hit the state tonight, which thankfully dissipated. Owens tries to play heel, but the crowd keep cheering for him, so he shuts them up with a chinlock. Smart wrestling, though not exactly riveting viewing. After commercial they jockey for position on the top rope, and Cesaro wins out with a dropkick and his impressive deadlift gutwrench suplex. Even after that, the crowd are docile. They do pop for a potential giant swing, but Owens escapes and hits a superkick for a near fall. “Cole, Cole! Watch this you little jerk.” Good one, Owens. Shame he misses with a cannonball in the corner immediately afterwards. With Cesaro still selling the superkick, Owens begins slapping him around and telling him to stay down. All that does is wake him up. He blocks a tornado DDT using his ridiculous strength, then hoists him into a reverse urinage into a crossface. Owens escapes, then tries for a sick suplex to the outside, which Owens blocks. Cesaro ends up tackled from the apron into the announce table, but he breaks the count. The injury to his ribs has left him weak, too weak to hit the giant swing, and Owens takes advantage by drilling him with the pop-up powerbomb for the win. Well done, WWE, keep his momentum going. As with SummerSlam, it is a shame Cesaro is the victim, but the guy is so good that it almost doesn't matter if he wins or loses. Good match, which would have been even better had the shitty crowd reacted to it better. Final Rating: ***1/2 Backstage, Dolph and Lana have a conversation about what happened with Summer. He claims she came in and saw him in the shower, then left when he told her to. He denies anything happening. Lana is furious that she saw him naked, which makes her seem like a bit of a twat because Dolph did nothing wrong. She storms off despite Dolph’s attempts to explain himself. It’s nice to have an angle on this show, because we almost never get them, it is just a shame it’s such a naff one. Braun Stroman vs. Dean Ambrose Speaking of interesting weeks, Dean Ambrose had quite the ordeal a few days ago on a WWE live event, when an idiot in the crowd jumped the barricade and came at him with what onlookers described as a sharp object, and at least one said was a knife. Luckily the security team were on the ball and tackled the guy before he reached Ambrose, but it sounded and looked like a close call. Ambrose laughed it off, but that is the second incident of its kind in the last few weeks against former Shield members, with Roman Reigns having suffered a fan throwing a briefcase at his head during a match a few weeks ago. Pre match, Bray Wyatt talks, and because he is now white noise, I don't hear a word he says. Braun gets a few words, and he has a delightfully manly voice. He reckons this is the apocalypse. It would certainly explain a lot of the odd behaviour going on around these parts of late. As for this match, it seems like a bad idea. Stroman is greener than grass and needs protecting. On TV he should be a cornerman who aids Bray and Harper, while he is picking up experience in live matches on the road. WWE cannot help themselves but to splurge him off the bat, and they run the risk of exposing him by doing so. Ambrose is flanked by Roman Reigns, which is no surprise. They are still outnumbered significantly (Stroman counts as two) and need a third member to keep this program going. “One of the most anticipated debuts in recent memory,” says Cole of Stroman. Yeah? What about Sting at WrestleMania? Ambrose does everything he can to make Stroman look impressive, hurling himself around the ring from his throws and tackles. Stroman no-sells Ambrose, then sends him flying with a punch to the stomach, before kicking him out of the ring. If they keep booking him like this, he might do alright. When Stroman takes the fight to the outside, Michael Cole gushes about how big he is, and you can practically hear Vince McMahon’s voice in his headset. Roman Reigns cannot take anymore and punches Stroman, leading to the DQ. Stroman manhandles him, hurling him into the barricade and the timekeepers area, and hoying Ambrose over the announce table. Stroman throws Reigns into the ring, but Ambrose saves with a chair shot to the back. All that does is irritate Stroman, who pulls the same sort of expression as Hulk when he gets shot. Stroman mauls Ambrose some more, then Harper jumps in to prevent a further Reigns rally with a superkick. Okay, I was wrong. Braun Stroman is awesome! I hope to hell he isn't jobbing in nothing matches to other midcarders in a few months time. This entire presentation, post-match included, was the best thing on the show so far. Even more so than Owens-Cesaro, because the crowd was actually into this. Final Rating: ** Backstage, Renee Young asks Seth Rollins about his statue, but the grin on her face angers Rollins. He says Sting stealing it disrespects everyone, and that he is going to call him out and demand his statue back. It’s like a playground rivalry. A note on Seth Rollins, while we are at it. He has also had a tough few days, thanks to the shenanigans of his girlfriend Zahra Schreiber. She made her debut on NXT over the weekend, and immediately that prompted a number of people to point out some rather unsavoury things she had said and done on social media a few years back. Among other things she insulted fat women, posted pictures of Swastikas, and insulted anyone who disagreed with her. Even though it was a few years back, like they did with the Hulk Hogan racism situation, WWE reacted. Schreiber was fired immediately, with WWE terrified of being associated with her Nazi-loving ways. She has caused nothing but chew for poor Seth. I am sure everyone remembers earlier in the year when pictures of her appeared online via Seth’s social media, which was a scandal because he had a fiancé at the time. Said jilted now-ex posted pictures of Seth with his tail out in response, prompting much embarrassment for him and a slap on the wrist from management. He has nothing to do with this and is unlikely to suffer as a result of the fallout, though I don't suppose he is particularly happy that his girlfriend has been released. It is her own fault though. She should have been such a dumb, ignorant, asshole. Beat The Clock Challenge Paige vs. Sasha Banks Okay then, this is more like it. As boring as Paige can be, I am willing to give her the benefit of the doubt and concede that it is down to the low level of opponents she has been working with. There is no one better for her to work with in WWE that Sasha, though the Beat The Clock concept may hurt the bout. If Paige wins this in 1:40 or under to tie Charlotte, I will riot. Paige desperately tries to put Sasha away early with a number of different pinfall attempts, but her psychology is patchy. It generally helps if you do something first before going for a win. Paige hits RamPaige and might win, but Sasha rolls out of the ring with the help of her bad, sorry, B.A.D. teammates. Paige is unable to get her in the ring and lock on the PTO before the time runs out and the buzzer sounds, leaving her collapsed in a sad heap on the mat. Why is she so upset? She has had dozen of title shots this year, more than anyone else by far. Can she not just be happy for her new BFF? And anyway, why the hell does the buzzer signal the end of this match? What a crock! Surely they should carry on and produce a winner at the very least? Oh, that’s right. As Nikki Bella outlined oh so clearly last week, wins and losses don't matter a jot. The three Bella bints turn up on the stage after the match, and stand on the stage pouting. It is all they have in their locker, it really is. Nikki’s eyes look like she has been crying. I wonder what that is about? Hopefully she just learned she would be losing her title before beating AJ’s record. Wouldn't that be hilarious after all of this bullshit. Final Rating: N/R Backstage, Summer tells lies about Dolph, claiming he asked her into his locker room to smooth things over. She spins a yarn about Dolph stripping off and inviting her into the shower. She admits to having been captivated by him, but says she didn't go through with any sexy time acts because of her relationship with Rusev. It is actually a really good bitchy promo from Summer, dripping with such insincerity and delivered with such malicious conviction, that for the first time ever, I appreciate something Summer has done. Lana buys the obvious lies, and storms away from an interview with Renee. Thank god they are actually doing the right thing and splitting her from Dolph. The New Day vs. The Dudley Boys They have been hyping this all night: the return of the Dudley Boys to Raw after a decade absence. Like I said earlier, I am thrilled that they are back. Immediately the waning tag division is stronger for it. Xavier Woods has his hair straightened tonight, and he looks outstanding. It instantly makes him look like a smug dickhead, which is exactly the idea. The trio bring out a table covered in bubble wrap, which seems a little like poking the bear, and get the crowd to chant “save the tables”. I would call this odd, but it really isn't even on the same page as the wacky stuff that has been going on this week is it? Guess what Creative thought was needed to improve this match? Yes, guest commentary from the Prime Time Players. I like the PTP, and they are good on commentary, but come on. It’s getting silly now. D-Von looks really good for a forty-three year-old guy, moving just as he did a decade ago. Bubba, who is a year older, is even better now than he ever was. One of the things I enjoy the most about Bubba is the way he commentates on his matches while he is in them. He is the most vocal wrestler since Mike Sharpe. After commercial, New Day take over on D-Von, with Big E ramming him into the barricade. Meanwhile, Xavier combs his hair. The match is nothing special, and the heat is a little too long, especially in front of this crowd. The hot tag to Bubba wakes them up, and the match becomes a lot more fun. Kofi prevents the Wazzup Drop, but immediately falls victim to 3-D, giving the returning icons the win over the tag champs. D-Von brings “the last table” into the ring, and the Dudleys remove the bubble wrap before trying to put Big E through it. His partners save his ass. Final Rating: *3/4 Seth Rollins calls out Sting Rollins starts out by saying he has no problem with Sting. Great. Can’t wait for the match. Seth uses the WCW card, saying Sting’s actions in stealing his statue showed him exactly why WCW went out of business. That’s nearly as bad as JBL’s comment about Starrcade. (See: The Raw Recap). Seth wants Sting to take back what he said about not being as good as Triple H, because it is not true. I guess that long-mooted Rollins-Triple H program is going ahead soon after all. Instead of Sting, Rollins gets an annoyed Stephanie, who warns him not to insult her husband ever again. Can the guy not fight his own battles? Seth defends what he said, saying he is simply comparing himself to a great, much like Hunter did with Ric Flair when he was in Evolution. Steph chastises him for letting Sting get into his head, telling him it is the oldest trick in the book and that he is smarter than that. Evidently he is not. Next to arrive is John Cena, who I half suspected wasn't even going to be on the show given the late hour. “It’s time to have that little talk we were going to have last week,” he says on his way to the ring. Cena says Steph isn't going to throw him out like last week, and instead is going to make Seth’s life a misery. Cena calls him an idiot for thinking The Authority are his friends, and that he was only chosen by them because he is expendable and malleable. Like Randy Orton, Batista, Kane, etc. He has a point. “Lot of hardware you got there Seth Rollins,” observes Cena, before calling Steph out for saying all titles will be on the line at Night of Champions. He plans to invoke his rematch clause for the United States Championship at the show, and asks Steph for an answer. With little choice in the matter lest she be outed as a liar, she says yes. Seth Rollins is not amused. Before we go off the air, Sting turns up on the stage so WWE can spell out the situation for those slow in keeping up. Two matches, two titles, one night. Should be good. THE RAW RECAP: Most Entertaining: Braun Stroman. WWE are trying to make a new monster heel, that much is obvious. If they keep booking him like they did tonight, they will succeed. Least Entertaining: Brie Bella and Alicia Fox. They were both awful, so they can share the award. Quote of the Night: “The man who put Starrcade on the map.” - JBL about Sting, which is an absolutely moronic statement. Match of the Night: Kevin Owens vs. Cesaro. A good match, hampered by the worst crowd of the year. They didn't have much in the way of competition, mind you. Summary: I guess the Brock Lesnar-Undertaker situation is currently on extended pause. It is frustrating that WWE builds to something for so long, then ignores it completely for a few months until its part-time performers return. There were other notable absentees tonight too, such as Neville, Stardust, Randy Orton, and Sheamus. I wasn't sad about at least half of those being away. Of those that were there, the women were the worst thing on the show by some distance. They couldn't muster a single snowflake between them over three matches, which is shameful. Mind you, the collective run time of the bouts was around six minutes, so it wasn't all their fault. Only the strong Cesaro-Owens match, and the massacre handed out by Braun Stroman saved this show from a much lower score. In the end it was painfully average. Verdict: 40 We’re in Brooklyn, New York at the Barclays Center. The same building that hosted the amazing NXT show TakeOver Brooklyn on Saturday. That, combined with the G1 Climax, has been my wrestling viewing over the past month. I have been spoiled rotten by professional wrestling. Returning to my Raw duties may be a bit of a comedown. Or perhaps not. I seem to be on a lucky streak.
Incidentally; massive thanks to James Dixon for covering Raw over the past five weeks or so giving me the time to work on the G1. If you’re not a New Japan fan now would be a fantastic time to get onboard. New Japan World is ridiculous value and they put on the best wrestling matches in the world. Incidentally, again, this was the hardest Raw to watch all year so far. Normally there’s a version somewhere on YouTube that’s fairly watchable. I have Sky but not Sky+ so I’m not waiting until 4pm this afternoon to watch the show, and it’s not on the Network. If it was I’d watch it on there but it isn’t. I’m paying all this money out every month and I can’t watch the shows I want to watch. It’s a ridiculous economy that makes no sense. Anyway, after an exhaustive search (over 30 minutes) I finally found a stream. Video Control starts us off in the back. Triple H is with WWE and United States champion Seth Rollins. “You’re not the future of the WWE anymore. You’re not the future. You are the man”. Triple H’s pep talk results in Seth having a statue made in his honour. What’s the betting that’s tonight’s “main event”? Promo Time: Paul Heyman & Brock Lesnar “Hashtag BrockvsTaker” says Michael Cole for no apparent reason. It’s not even in any context. Is Michael Cole a robot? “What the hell happened here last night?” asks Heyman. What indeed. Heyman calls the controversial finish unjust. This is the problem with Sportz Entertainment. You build up a big match and know you can’t deliver a clean finish because you want to do a big re-match. That’s not what happens in UFC. You build up a main event and two guys fight and one guy wins. Simple. Heyman gives us a replay of Taker tapping out for the first time in his career, which the ref didn’t see but the timekeeper (Fred Ottman’s son Berkley) did see. Heyman takes an axe to Taker’s mythology and Lesnar seems happy to be confirmed as having submitted the Dead Man. Heyman preaches and says he has enough material to eat up all of Monday Night Raw and the crowd react positively to it. Only Paul Heyman could come out here and talk and talk and say he won’t stop for three hours and get a pop. Heyman virtually turns Taker heel by pointing out how conniving he was tactically at SummerSlam. Lesnar wants Undertaker. Not at ‘Mania, not at the Rumble, not at Survivor Series, not next week but RIGHT NOW. Heyman is amazing. He took a screwy finish, spun it on its head and gave me goosebumps for a match I didn’t care about seconds earlier. Whatever they’re paying Paul Heyman it’s not enough. And what do they do? They send Bo Dallas out here. The look of disappointment on Paul’s face matches my own. How could they even consider doing that? Naturally Bo Dallas gets a one-way ticket to Suplex City. I actually typed that before JBL said it on commentary. If Brock killed Bo Dallas here nobody would object. To recap; brilliant segment completely ruined by the conclusion. Having built something up they then deliver nothing. Why would Bo even come out there? Paul making Lesnar laugh at the end is pretty funny though. “One F-5 Brock, for me”. “BROCK LESNAR BO-LEAVES!” Thus Heyman saves the disappointment by turning it into a positive. Once again, whatever the WWE pay Paul Heyman, it’s not enough. The New Day vs. Lucha Dragons New Day won the tag straps last night as they’re the only over team the WWE have. No offence to Titus O’Neill, who’s great. I love how New Day had a terrible gimmick so the crowd hated them and turned them heel but they got so good at being heels they’re now being popped. Xavier Woods on trombone, New Day singing “New York, New York” as “New Day, New Day” is genius. These guys have taken the worst gimmick in recent memory and run with it. It’s a lesson in getting yourself over in spite of how bad the cards you’ve been handed were. It’s the kind of thing you see on NXT all the time. Normally Xavier Woods drives me nuts but his trombone antics at ringside are reminiscent of Jimmy Hart and his megaphone. He’s found his megaphone. The match is a decent six-minuter with Lucha Dragons hitting fun spots but New Day cheating to win and Xavier just owning the finish by playing Taps while it goes down. I might be about to do a U-turn on Xavier, he won me over big time tonight. Final Rating: **1/4 Post Match: THE DUDLEY BOYZ RETURN! Oh my God! They clear the ring out and hit all the trademarks, popping the crowd hard. GET THE TABLES! “E-C-DUB”. 3D through a table on Xavier. This was brilliant. This might be the hottest start to Raw all year long. Can we just end the show now before they ruin it? Video Control gives us clips from John Cena’s 500th wish for the Make-A-Wish Foundation. It’s great that Cena does stuff like this. I don’t object to the WWE patting themselves on the back, looking for positive PR, as Cena really deserves the spotlight for the work he does. Elsewhere Triple H and Steph reveal the Seth statue but won’t let Rollins himself see it yet. Roman Reigns & Dean Ambrose vs. Bray Wyatt & Luke Harper This is a re-match from last night, which is a bit odd as the crowd has to be a similar makeup to last nights, as it’s the same venue. Were they really that into this midcard contest to see it again 24 hours later? Also, I’m still confused as to why they split up the Wyatt Family in the first place. Did they really think Erik Rowan would get over by himself? I guess they did. As the match gets underway the crowd just dies, pretty much proving they can’t keep a crowd hot for an entire episode of Raw. The biggest problem they have with these guys is they don’t really have a story. Not yet. It’s just been Bray screwing with Roman and then both men getting backup. Where do you go from here? Well, if you’re Vince McMahon, you debut a third man in the Wyatt Family and you pick a guy called Braun Strowman who looks like a simple woodsman with a gigantic forehead who has only wrestled a handful of matches ever. So why him? Because he’s tall, muscular and has a beard (which he probably pronounces “bee-UD” because he’s manbaby. Braun is 6’ 8” so that’s Vince’s thinking. Strowman destroys both Ambrose and Reigns to get himself over as being a big scary dude. The crowd are a bit nonplussed because the booking is decades old. Hopefully Bray will be able to pull it together with his promos. “Follow!” Two debuts in the same show though, shaking things up! Final Rating: *3/4 MizTV: PCB And now the show dies a death. Miz ceased to be relevant a long time ago and having him try to get the “Divas Revolution” over is a mistake. His guests are PCB, which is probably a mistake as Becky and Charlotte’s promos are more driven towards wrestling matches. Paige is the only one of the three who comes across well in casual interviews. Miz is more irritating than anything else and the segment is pretty dreadful, thanks to the writing. They’re interrupted by Team Bella. I may be in the minority here but I just want to see Sasha Banks. She should be the centrepiece of this diva’s revolution. It turns out I’m not alone as the crowd chants “we want Sasha” so loudly it puts Brie off her scripted promo. Miz pisses PCB off but that sets them up to get jumped by the Bellas. So I guess they have to wrestle. Crowd turns on it loudly and chants “WE WANT SASHA”. Amen, Brooklyn. Preach on. PCB vs. Team Bella They just don’t get it do they? The women’s wrestling revolution in NXT worked because they got a load of great talent and had them wrestle each other and everyone got over. At no point were all of them together on the same team trying to get a decent match out of useless tarts playing at being wrestler. Which is exactly how they’ve booked the divas revolution. They’ll never get a good match out of the Bellas, ever. Ever. EVER. What needs to happen is Nikki drops the belt to someone who doesn’t suck and they can start to have good matches and then they’ll win the crowd over. Until that happens…”we want Sasha”. Becky Lynch tries desperately to get a good match out of the worthless divas champion and Nikki just can’t do anything. Can’t make anything look convincing. Like a robot pretending to be human, she’s a non-wrestler pretending to be a wrestler. And the match is FOURTEEN minutes long. The crowd gets bored and chants “we want Blue Pants”. Unfortunately the WWE will probably blame Charlotte, Becky and Paige for not being able to get themselves over while working the champion. What they will never acknowledge is that the Bellas are a cancer on the divas division. You could bring in Bull Nakano, Alundra Blayze, Lita, Trish Stratus, Sensational Sherri and Molly Holly (and anyone else you felt inclined to bring in) but as long as the division revolved around Nikki it will always suck. Hopefully someone will beat her at Survivor Series, or sooner. The crowd doing the Mexican wave incidentally is a really bad sign. They put the Bellas over here, thus negating the big PCB win the night before and the status quo, the one everyone hates, is resumed. Please stop wasting this crop of talent. It’s upsetting. Final Rating: ½* King Barrett & Stardust vs. ? Stardust decides to attack the Cosmic King instead of tagging with him. This brings out Neville to run him off. What was the point of any of this? Promo Time: Jon Stewart Jon turned heel on John Cena last night, costing him the US title. However that’s more like a face turn because it’s Cena. “Thank you, Stewart”. “You’re very welcome Brooklyn”. People had asked him why so he’s out here to explain his actions. Jon Stewart’s excuse is he couldn’t let Cena tie Ric Flair for 16 world titles because “the champ is FLAIR”. Superfan Stewart! This brings out…Ric Flair! Naitch appreciates Stewart’s deed but says he was pulling for John Cena because sooner or later the record will be broken and he respects Cena and wouldn’t mind him taking it. The crowd give him crap for it and Flair shoots them all down. “God’s in the house tonight”. There aren’t many people who can verbally slap 15,000 people into line. As Stewart starts apologising out comes John Cena to a loud, loud reaction. Love him or hate him, you can’t argue that Cena isn’t over. Cena is happy enough with Jon Stewart’s reasoning but the result is that Seth Rollins is US and WWE champion. Cena puts over all the midcard guys who wrestled him for the US title and how that opportunity for the young guys has now gone because the US belt went to Seth. “If I do this *waves hand in front of face*, can he still see me?” – Stewart brings the funnies. Stewart reasons that the greater evil would have been Cena tying Flair’s record. Cena ends up hitting Stewart with the AA. You can’t do that to Jon Stewart! The idea here is that Jon Stewart’s involvement gets the WWE mainstream press. I get that and this wasn’t a bad segment but why ruin the big SummerSlam match for this pay off? In fact, why run an angle where whoever beat John Cena for the US title would be instantly made as a top card guy and use the angle to get Seth Rollins over, when he’s already WWE champion? Video Control takes us backstage where John Cena defends his decision and promises to have a chat with Seth Rollins later. Dolph Ziggler, Cesaro, Randy Orton & Ryback vs. Rusev, Kevin Owens, The Big Show & Sheamus Summer Rae has raided Lana’s old wardrobe, seeing as Lana is all about the stonewashed denim now. Lana’s new look is what Ivan Drago’s wife would have looked like if she’d defected to the United States after the Apollo Creed fight. Because Dolph Ziggler’s brain is stuck in the 1980s. Is this whole storyline that Dolph is stuck in a small Russian town (WWE City) designed to look American to teach Russians how to act American? Is he John Travolta in the Experts? Because I would totally watch that. The reveal that Randy Orton has been a sleeper Russian spy all this time would be the best swerve, ever. Can you imagine him coming out, singing the Soviet national anthem because he can’t let go of the past? His finisher is short for Russian Kommunist Organisation. Seriously, I would watch the shit out of that angle. Eight men tags are usually good fun as they can keep the action fresh with frequent tags and you’ve got eight guys hitting their spots to make it entertaining. Even Show is entertaining in this environment doing the “sssshhhhh” chop spot. The crowd are noticeably hotter for Kevin Owens than anyone else. Despite the potential for quick shifts in action they opt for heat on Ziggler instead. Ziggler has a massive problem with taking heat. Because he’s so good at it, it happens in every single match and it’s both predictable and boring. Lana keeps things interesting by getting into a sensational catfight with Summer. There’s no skill involved but there’s plenty of passion and you can’t teach that (Summer Rae is SAWFT). Lana needs something after her character was stripped to the bone in recent months. There’s a bit of a tease that Ryback might be working Owens going forward, which would give Owens a title to parade around. He’s pretty great at being a champion. Ryback is more interesting in pursuing gold than defending it. His IC title run has been a damp squib. It doesn’t help he’s been working Show and Miz. The match concludes with Sheamus eating an RKO after Big Show miscued his big punch. This evens up the booking on Orton and Sheamus, again. I love Owens and Rusev tearing Show a new one for his failure. The babyfaces amuse themselves by having Cesaro and Ryback toss Show into a flying RKO in an awesome closing spot. Match was passable but the long heat segment on Ziggler was a chore to sit through. Eight man tags should never have those dead spots. Final Rating: **1/2 Video Control gives us a recap of the newest member of the Wyatt Family and head over to Bray for a live promo. Braun is introduced as “Abigail’s black sheep”. Elsewhere Steph and Hunter get a chat with John Cena and call him a sore loser for attacking Stewart. Which he is. The Authority don’t want Cena around to ruin Seth’s statue unveiling and Cena is escorted out by security. Steph’s evil “you can’t see me” is sensational stuff. Steph’s recent work has been bordering on cartoon super-villainy. I actually…like it? I don’t want to hear her talk much but if she has to talk at least she’s growing on me with her evilness. I can see why Hunter likes her. Seth Rollins Statue Unveiling The main event unveiling is given fifteen minutes. Steph stops off to put over Vince McMahon, who’s turning 70 today and they sing Happy Birthday to him. Good lord Hunter can’t sing for shit. Should have got some lessons off Lemmy. The crowd love Vince because it’s New York and that’s his home. “He is so pissed off in the back right now it’s not even funny” – Triple H, breaking the fourth wall. Hunter spends a while putting Seth Rollins over. Moving the opening show Triple H promo to the end of the show doesn’t freshen it up. Seth comes out here for the official unveiling of his statue and he gasses along for ages too. “To be the man, you’ve got to beat the man” says Seth, quoting Ric Flair and pointing out that Cena was the man around here but not anymore. The statue is unveiled and….it’s STING! Not a statue of Sting but Sting himself. Triple H does a magnificent sell of surprise on that one. I wondered what they were planning on doing with Sting and it’ll be interesting to see how Sting vs. Rollins pans out. THE RAW RECAP: Most Entertaining: Paul Heyman Least Entertaining: Nikki Bella Quote of the Night: “If I do this *waves hand in front of face*, can he still see me?” – Jon Stewart Match of the Night: Nope. Summary: Considering there was very little wrestling going on, you could be forgiven for thinking this wasn’t much of a show…but you’d be wrong. We’ve been saying for a while that the WWE is a stale show. Generally you can tell what will happen before it does and the programs that are being booked don’t capture the imagination. The show needed to be more like NXT. Unpredictable, driven by the feeling that ‘anything can happen’. It’s a show where Samoa Joe and Jushin Liger rub shoulders with Kevin Owens, Finn Balor and Hideo Itami. It’s a show where the women can steal the show. Anyone can steal the show, if they want it. The main roster hasn’t felt that way in a long, long time but this episode of Raw was so weirdly different to anything they’ve tried this year. As if to say they’re aware it was a problem and hit the reset button after SummerSlam. And how! The opening thirty minutes with Paul Heyman’s amazingly detailed promo, the death of Bo Dallas, New Day’s singing and the subsequent return of the Dudley Boyz was one of the best openings to Raw all year long. I was probably most pleased that a boring, rambling main event promo was merely a lead in for yet another innovative booking decision. Bringing Sting back to be in a program with Seth Rollins. It might have had more impact if they’d not jobbed him out to Triple H at WrestleMania but the introduction to the feud worked perfectly. The show did sag in the middle and the divas revolution is going badly, a massive disservice to the talent involved (on one side at least) but the overall feeling from the show was one of success. This is one of those Raw’s where if it was a two hour show it would have been all killer, no filler. Big props to the WWE for doing something different and getting out of their damn holding patterns. The show needs a degree of talent churn to keep it fresh. Are we on the Road to WrestleMania yet? Verdict: 71 Last night’s NXT TakeOver Brooklyn was one of the great shows in wrestling history. A revolutionary broadcast that delivered what it was supposed to in every single match. It was perfect in many ways. How in the hell can this line-up possibly hope to even come close?
Promo Time: Jon Stewart We start out with host Jon Stewart, who looks like he hasn't slept in weeks. He reckons tonight will feature ten of the best matches we will ever see. Not likely. Stewart runs through the guys on the show, reminiscent of Vince McMahon’s post-WCW purchase where he threw names out to gage whether he should hire them or not. Stewart says he wants to interview Brock Lesnar, but he is scared of doing so himself so he wheels out Mick Foley to help him. Mick gets a nice response, then tells a story about how he was expecting to be here interviewing The Rock. He didn't hear the “B” because of his missing ear. It’s a good excuse. Foley admits to being scared of Brock, so Stewart puts him over, reminding him of his Hell in a Cell match with Undertaker at King of the Ring ’98. “That was seventeen years ago!” screams Foley, who decides to leave Stewart to tackle Lesnar by himself. Stewart doesn't fancy that, so they both leave. Why bother having four hours of pay-per-view time instead of three if they are just going to waste it with pointless shite? Randy Orton vs. Sheamus Okay, last night was great, WWE are in my good books at the moment, so let’s try and stay positive... Erm. At least they are getting the most boring match out of the way early, let’s go with that. I am trying to work out if the amount of times I have seen this match-up in double or triple figures. Randy goes for the RKO first move, which would have been fantastic. Sheamus avoids it, then decides to argue with the crowd. “I don’t look stupid, you look stupid.” Oh, snap. “Sheamus might not think he looks stupid, but Randy Orton thinks he looks stupid.” - Cole. In other news, Brock Lesnar thinks Undertaker is a poo-poo head, and Seth Rollins believes John Cena to be a doofus. As if my interest in this match could drop any lower than it already is, the camera work is at its all-time worst. I cannot even work out what is going on because they use the shot from outside of the ring for an age, switch between cameras mid-move, and play silly arses with the zoom function when it is simply not needed. It turns out nothing is happening anyway. The crowd, who don't have to suffer the camera, hate it too. They turn on the show in the first match, chanting “How you doin’?” and “Olé”. I love it when crowds turn on Sheamus matches. The thing is, it always happens to him because he is so unspeakably dull, and his character is hokey. Obviously, that is the person WWE decided to put the briefcase on. The day he wins the title is the day I stop watching. Randy somehow ends up bleeding from... a slam. Wait, what? It’s hardway, but there is not much blood. Randy tries to excite by catching Sheamus with an RKO off a slingshot, but Sheamus rolls out to avoid it costing him. Back in, Sheamus does some stuff and finishes with the Brogue Kick. I don't care. I don't care one fucking bit. As usual, there was nothing wrong with what they did, but I have seen them both do it in the same order with the same robotic execution for what seems like decades. Even worse, it is now likely that they will work with each other again in a rubber match. One match in, and already I want to turn it off and go to bed. Final Rating: ½* * Note: Add a star or two if you have never seen a Randy Orton vs. Sheamus match before. WWE Tag Team Championship The Prime Time Players (c) vs. The New Day vs. The Lucha Dragons vs. Los Matadores Before we get going, New Day win me over with a tremendous rendition of ‘Empire State of Mind’, changing the lyric “New York” to “New Day”. The trio are so obnoxious that they get over as faces. Their amazing white and gold gear is a big plus too. Big E and Kofi try and make a mockery of the rules by pinning each other, but the other teams soon break that up. Sin Cara manages to botch a spot within second, because, well that’s his thing, isn’t it? Kalisto looks absolutely outstanding during his sequences, like a video game character. I have never seen anyone move at the speed he does. The action is good, though there is so much going on that it feels somewhat lacking in structure. Darren Young becomes the second hardway victim of the evening, bleeding from the mouth. Brock Lesnar is guaranteed to bleed because he takes moves on his face, so it is going to be a bloody show. Young takes some heat from New Day before making the hot tag to Titus, who looks amazing again in running through everyone. It all falls apart when Sin Cara re-enters the match, making a mess of another spot and then doing a dive which is “blocked” by a Matadores kick. In theory. The kick missed by about two feet. Big E makes up for it with a spear through the ropes to the outside, which is a badass spot. Everything breaks down, which Cole says is fine because it is first fall wins and thus essentially a free for all. Why the fuck were they all stood on the apron waiting for tags then!? A tower of doom from Titus connects, then Kofi kicks him in the face and pins Fernando for the win and the belts. Big E’s post match celebration is a thing of beauty. He doesn't glitch, skip frames, or anything! Cole harps on after the bout about confusion over who was the legal man, which only serves to remind me that it sure wasn't Kofi. Whatever, this was fun, even if it made no sense for 95% of the time, and the other 5% was Sin Cara botches. Final Rating: **1/4 Backstage, Jon Stewart tries to catch a word with Neville and Steven Amell, then the lights go black and everyone looks concerned. It turns out to be The Undertaker bringing the magic, walking past without saying a word clad in his regalia, with a plume of smoke flowing behind him. Then the lights come back on and they return to what they were doing. Best worst segment ever. Why is Taker already wearing his coat though? He has three hours to wait yet. He will get awful hot. Rusev vs. Dolph Ziggler The build up for this has been... interesting. Any feud that incorporates a headless fish and a confused sexuality denim jacket cannot be described as anything but. Rusev uses a bearhug early on, which is never a good sign. Ziggler brings some fire, but Rusev smashes him back down and connects with a brutal looking flip senton. Dolph survives and goes to a sleeper, which Rusev survives. They do a double down and Dolph loudly yells instructions for the next spot, then Rusev connects with a superkick and locks on the Accolade. Lana yells at him, so Summer tries to intervene by slapping her, but Lana blocks it and gives her one back. That is enough of a distraction for Rusev to break the hold. Rusev comes outside and threatens to smash Dolph’s face right in front of her, so she screams. Summer takes her out, hurting herself in the process because she is inept. Superkick on the outside from Ziggler, and they do a double count out. The crowd hate that. So do I. Rubbish. Final Rating: ¾* Post match, Rusev and Dolph brawl again, so Summer gets involved and pounds on Ziggler. Lana makes the save, if you want to call it that, before the fellas split them up. Whatever, this was a waste of time. So far, SummerSlam is living right down to the low expectations I had for it. They could have cut this entire first hour and kept the card at three hours, and we would have missed nothing. Neville & Steven Amell vs. Stardust & King Barrett Why isn't Barrett the Cosmic King? Boo. The hype video for this, including comic book pics for all four, is a work of art. Then Michael Cole goes and ruins it by reading out a cryptic Stardust tweet, making me want to die. Everyone has swank new gear tonight, and they all look great. Neville has gone for Daniel Bryan maroon, King is in blue, Stardust in his best Goldust tribute with short sleeves, and Amell has an Arrow-inspired entrance jacket. After King and Neville run a brief sequence, Stardust tags in and wants Amell. The actor obliges by vaulting onto the top rope and into the ring, survives being shoved over, and connects with a boot. Amell then flips out of a backdrop and hits a hiptoss, and he looks fantastic for a non-wrestler. Like a modern-day Lawrence Taylor. Barrett wants a piece of Amell and hooks him for a slam, only for Amell to escape and leapfrog over him. Great athleticism from the guy, and credit to him for putting in the work beforehand. His luck runs out right after that, and he takes a beating from the cosmic duo. He sell well, I am really impressed with the dude. After hitting an enzuigiri on Stardust he makes the hot tag to Neville, who goes to town on Barrett with kicks and forearms. He hits a move from the middle rope that Cole can only manage the word “incredible” for, and I don't blame him. I don't even know what it is, but there was flipping and twisting and lots of it. Amell does a dive from the top onto both guys, then Neville finishes with the Red Arrow on Barrett. Inexplicably, the camera switches mid-move. This was fine. Obviously the celebrity was going over, but he deserved to on this occasion. Good on Amell for taking his participation seriously and training hard for it. Final Rating: **1/4 WWE Intercontinental Championship Ryback (c) vs. The Miz vs. The Big Show Big Show is getting into the spirit of things and has changed his attire slightly. I would still rather have my testicles slowly ingested by a python than watch him work. God, I’ve been looking forward to watching this for two months now... After hitting a double suplex, Show climb the ropes. He looks like an elephant trying to tightrope walk. Then he hits a goddamn flip senton, or something approaching one. That’s a response to the “please retire” chants if ever there was one. Not to be outdone, Ryback hits a splash off the top onto Miz. Show chokeslams him onto Miz in response. JBL decides it is appropriate to bring up the 5* Bret Hart-British Bulldog match from SummerSlam ’92 as this juncture, which only reminds me how great the IC title used to be, and what a frigging state it is in now when these three shitbags are involved. Ryback hits Shellshock on Show, which is impressive, but Miz prevents the count with Skull Crushing Finale for a two count. He covers Show with the same results, then keeps covering both to no avail. The crowd are actually into it! Show knocks out Ryback with his WMD, and I pull out the remaining hair I have at the prospect of Show being IC champ. Thank the Wrestling Gods for The Miz, who breaks the count. Show knocks him out too, Ryback clotheslines him out of the ring, eventually, then covers Miz for the win. This far surpassed my expectations. I was expecting a DUD but got a couple of snowflakes. Final Rating: ** Backstage, Jon Stewart bravely knocks on Brock Lesnar’s door, and gets Paul Heyman. He asks for Lesnar, but Heyman says now is not a good time. Stewart shouts at Heyman on behalf of all wrestling fans for rubbing salt in the wounds regarding Brock snapping The Streak. Heyman sings “Glory Glory Brock Lesnar” in his face to respond, with WWE clearly trying to get that over so the whole arena sings it. “I guess we couldn't get Letterman to host the show,” snipes Heyman, before slamming the door in Stewart’s face. WWE should bring Jon Stewart in every week, he gets things over very well. His opening segment was still a waste of time though. Bray Wyatt & Luke Harper vs. Roman Reigns & Dean Ambrose It seems a week in New York has meant a shopping spree for the roster, because Bray has a new jacket with horns on it, and Harper wears a... hoodie. Like a chav. Here we go with yet another match that I have no interest in seeing because it has already been played out on Raw for weeks on end. My spirit has been killed by this card and we are not even halfway through. So far, the show that is “bigger than WrestleMania” feels like an episode of Raw. As was the case in the opener, it is full of perfectly acceptable action, but there is no heart to it. What do I care if either team wins? What difference does it make to anything? Ambrose is over, though Brooklyn despises Reigns with a passion. Ambrose and Reigns win thanks to a Doomsday Device, double powerbomb, Dirty Deeds and then a Roman spear on Wyatt. A complete waste of time for the most part. Way to go Vince for rejecting the idea of using Sting in this bout. Final Rating: ** WWE Championship WWE United States Championship Seth Rollins (c) vs. John Cena (c) Seventh match on the card, halfway into the show? What a curious place to put the WWE Championship match. I smell a non-finish. Cena of course got a jump on the new gear craze, having debut his new orange and green shirt on Monday. Seth Rollins has got in on the act too, debuting frankly ridiculous all-white with gold trim ensemble. He looks like Randy Savage circa SummerSlam ’91. It is certainly striking, I will give him that. Because we are in New York, Seth is over like the second coming, while Cena is heavily booed. I thought he might have been given some respect for the whole broken nose thing, not to mention his weekly classic matches on Raw over the past few months. I guess not. They even chant “Cena sucks” to the tune of “New Day sucks”. That clap and chant is the new “What?” Rollins hits a dive early on, then Cena comes back with his usual mid-match offence. The wacky Stunner is particularly squiffy tonight. Seth basically ignores it, then hits a running SSP out of nowhere. Cole doesn't know what it is called, so dubs it, “moves like these”. He follows with another Indy favourite, a double footstomp from the top a’la Low Ki. “Cena knew it was coming, but he could do nothing about it.” - Cole. Yeah, except, y’know, move. Cena comes back with an AA out of nowhere, and that move is dead at this point. Everybody kicks out of it nowadays. We are already into the big finishers/big selling portion of the match, which is basically how all of Cena’s matches go these days. He hits his top rope legdrop for a near fall, and Lawler is stunned that it didn't score him the win. I don't know what he is on about; it never works. After making a mess of a spot in the corner, Seth hits his powerbomb into the buckles and follows with a frogsplash into a pin, which Cena powers out of looking for the AA. Seth escapes, Cena hits a crossbody, but Seth rolls through and powers Cena up into an AA of his own. Very impressive. “Shades of John Cena tonight” - Cole. Shades! SHADES!? He is one of the guys in the fucking ring! What an asshole. What a complete and utter dumb fucking asshole. Put this imbecile out to pasture, immediately! Actually, get rid of all three of these idiots, and replace them with the NXT trio. Cena locks in the STF, but Seth escapes, and they go into a nice sequence switching each other’s attempted holds. Cena locks on a figure four, looking to tie Ric Flair’s (WWE approved) record title run by using his own move, which gets him heat. I like it. Seth manages to turn over and reverse the pressure. Cena goes up top, only for Seth to cut him off and hit a superplex straight into a Falcon Arrow for another close fall, but he misses with a big move off the top, allowing Cena to hit the AA. But, disaster: the referee got bumped by Seth’s legs mid-swing. Cue shenanigans, surely. Seth smashes Cena in the nose, which brings out Jon Stewart armed with a chair. He makes like he is going to hit old rival Rollins, then makes the SHOCK TURN OF THE CENTURY by smashing Cena in the gut with the chair. What is going on? I wanted unpredictability, but that is absurd! Rollins hits the Pedigree onto the chair, and covers for the win and the US Title. Can we look forward to a Cena-Stewart program now? I cannot wait to hear the justification for why he turned. Good match, as most Cena bouts tend to be these days, with Seth reminding me that for all his promos suck, his ring work remains very good when he is properly motivated. This show desperately needed that. Final Rating: **** Team PCB vs. Team BAD vs. Team Bella Three moves in, and I am already sick of Brie Bella’s pathetic attempts at bumping. Team BAD cut off the ring and work over Becky Lynch, which would be fine in a straight tag, but in a three team match like this, not so much. The crowd chant for Sasha and they get her, but she is limited in what she can do with so many strawbs in there with her. The difference in crowd reaction for this match compared to last night’s epic Sasha Banks-Bayley match is remarkable. It is so ridiculous, because WWE want a women’s revolution, and they have one under their own roof, yet they persist with this useless, pointless dross. And why? To end a petty record that nobody except them cares about. Everyone does a dive, and they get progressively worse, ending with Paige basically falling off the post. Back inside, Brie hits a crappy X-Factor on Tamina to eliminate Team BAD. Welcome to reality, Sasha. Nikki nearly ends it with the fake tit Shock Treatment on Becky, but the rest of PCB make the save. Nikki ends up on the outside and blocks a Paige baseball slide with a PUNCH TO THE LEG, then hits an Alabama Slam on the outside. Brutal. Brie comes in and starts using her husband’s moves, but New York refuse to accept it. They are silent now. Paige gets worked over in the corner to utter apathy, then Alicia Foxx locks on a half-assed stretch. She pulls a face like she is struggling with some complex algebra. The heat on Paige lasts for approximately a week, and it is rotten. Just mind-numbing. They are flirting with negative stars at this point. Paige finally tags out to Charlotte, who hasn't done anything in the match so far. She unloads on all three of Team Bella, hitting a spear on Alicia followed by the Figure Eight, which Nikki breaks up. Paige sends her out of the ring, then Charlotte and Alicia collide with double big boots. Becky ends up in with Brie, the latter of whom misses a legdrop, and Becky finishes with some form of slam. I don’t even care enough to remember what it is. I think it was a pumphandle slam. My brain had already melted by then. Okay great, so what does that win mean? Nothing. A horrific comedown and a step backwards for the division after last night. What a mess. Final Rating: DUD Kevin Owens vs. Cesaro Cesaro has new grey trunks and a customised grey towel. Did everyone get paid this week or something? Recent burial or not, Kevin Owens is still over big in Brooklyn. He deserves to be after putting his body through hell against Finn Balor last night. We get highlights of that, yet they couldn't show anything from the even better Bayley-Sasha match? Whatever, WWE, carry on. Cesaro and Owens both hit big dives right from the off, making that around ten so far tonight. Owens takes over by sidestepping a running uppercut on the outside and sending Cesaro into the barricade, then slows things with a chinlock. Cesaro uses his strength to come back, hitting a big suplex then his strongman gutwrench, from the top no less, though the crowd is fairly muted. I guess this overly-long chore of a show has killed their spirit. Cesaro tries a few times for the Neutraliser, but Owens backdrops out. Tornado DDT from Owens for two, but he misses with his springboard moonsault. He makes no mistake with a superkick though, decking Cesaro right on the chin for another two count. Cesaro simply has too many tricks in his arsenal to stay down for long, firing back with a twisting slingshot uppercut, then following up with the running uppercut on the outside that he tried earlier. Giant swing time, which as usual the director tries to ruin with excessive zooming. Sharpshooter applied centre ring, which Owens escapes via means using the ropes. “This whole match is a train wreck. I like watching train wrecks,” says JBL, oddly. If he likes train wrecks, and who doesn't huh, then he must have loved the last match. This is certainly not a train wreck. They battle up top, where Cesaro begins to lose his balance, so Owens quickly covers by dropping down and crotching him on the ropes, then climbs back up to hit his fisherman’s urinage. He follows with the pop-up powerbomb, and that gets him the win. Hmm. I get why they would put Owens over, because he has suffered a lot of high profile losses recently, it is just a shame that Cesaro ends up his victim rather than someone like Sheamus, Orton or a whole host of useless guys on this roster. Decent match, though underwhelming compared to what I was hoping for. Final Rating: ***1/4 Brock Lesnar vs. The Undertaker Here we go then, with the match WWE have dubbed, “too big for WrestleMania”. It’s a baffling tag line when you think about it. My prediction going in: Undertaker wins with an assist from his baby brother Kane, revenge for Lesnar having broke his ankle a few months back. I think that is the wrong option mind you. Because if they really are doing this match at WrestleMania 32 in Texas, then Taker needs to go in having lost to Lesnar twice, and indeed having never beaten him. Cole makes a dumb claim as Taker makes his entrance, saying that JBL has wrestled Taker more than anyone else in WWE history. Bullshit. Utter nonsense. He has the credibility of a weekend tabloid. Lesnar jumps Taker before the bell, not even giving him chance to remove his coat. It backfires when Taker rallies with a big boot and sends him to the outside with a clothesline. It’s clear from that sequence alone that Lesnar is now the heel and Taker is the babyface, despite how they have been positioned on TV of late. Once the bell rings they slug it out, and Taker gets more joy in the first few minutes than anyone else has against Lesnar in his last half a dozen matches. Taker goes Old School, but gets pulled into an F-5 attempt, but Taker escapes and locks on a goozle. Brock avoids the chokeslam and delivers the first move on the road to Suplex City, a belly-to-belly. He follows with a German suplex which turns Taker inside out, yelling “suplex city bitch” to a big pop. He goes for another, but Taker is not feeling anymore bumps this early and sends Lesnar into the buckles. Snake Eyes and big boo from Taker, and Lesnar is busted. I told you! I told you he would bleed! Taker rams Lesnar back-first into the barricade and the apron a couple of times, followed by his legdrop on the apron. Nobody has enjoyed this much control against Lesnar for years. Taker throws a few air punches which are uncharacteristically poor, but all they do is wake Brock up. He hits a German, then another, then another. I really didn't expect Taker to take quite so many suplexes. I figured he didn't have the bumps in him. The action spills to the outside, where Lesnar rearranges the announce desk with bad intentions. Taker recovers and goes for a Last Ride through the furniture, but Lesnar escapes and hits an F-5 through the table. Somehow, inexplicably, Lesnar’s cut has gone from nearly dried up to dripping with blood. Curious. Taker only just beats the count, prompting Lesnar to yell, “I’ll kill you, you son of a bitch, come on.” PG folks. PG. Lesnar mouthing off gives Taker time to recover and hit a desperation chokeslam, and a beauty too. He follows with a Tombstone, and that is... only enough for two. Well, there is still half-an-hour left of this show yet. Both men are out selling the fatigue, but Lesnar sits up first, laughing. Taker sits up and does a big mock laugh, which is brilliant, then they just start slugging away at each other on the floor. Brilliant. Lesnar goes to the Kimura on the ropes, which the referee just allows. He should have broke it. Taker escapes with the Last Ride, getting a close two count. Both men struggle to their feet, and now it is Undertaker’s turn to kick out of a finish, getting a shoulder up after a Brock F-5. Brock, dripping with blood, sweat, and snot, goes for another and connects. That’ three including the one on the outside, which was enough at WrestleMania a few years back, but not tonight. I cannot remember a time when Undertaker too this many bumps. Taker coughs and splutters, suckering Brock into Hell’s Gate. Surely Lesnar won’t tap? Nope, he switches it into the Kimura instead, locking it in fully. Taker sits in it for an age, almost as if it is a body scissors or something. And then, shenanigans. The bell rings after Charles Robinson counts one, and Brock thinks he has won on a tap out. Robinson yells at the timekeeper, and while he is doing so Taker hits Lesnar with a low blow. He hooks Lesnar in the Hell’s Gate, Brock gives him the finger, but passes out and loses. Goodbye two and a half years of build. What a fucking horrible finish. The announcers cannot even decide properly what the finish controversy was. JBL thinks it was because of the one count, Cole desperately tries to explain that Taker tapped and the timekeeper saw it but the referee didn't. Even though the timekeeper was on the opposite side of the ring. Whatever, it’s a flat finish that everybody can see through, and nobody really gets over from. There’s nothing like a half-assed, controversial, bungled finish to end an epic, “biggest match in history”. Post match, Heyman rings the bell a bunch of times and announces Brock as the winner via tap out, but that is not fooling anyone. Lesnar lost, aura shattered, the end. Final Rating: **** Summary: The show wasn’t helped by having to follow NXT’s groundbreaking explosion into the mainstream consciousness last night, and a lot of the matches felt very, very flat. As usual it was down to the same quintet of super-workers to save the event from the mundane, soulless undercard that preceded them, with John Cena, Seth Rollins, Cesaro, Kevin Owens and Brock Lesnar doing the business, and The Undertaker rolling back the years with his best performance since his match with CM Punk. Even then, the big matches had problem, mainly down the horrible screwy finishes and questionable booking decisions. Or in other words, the same old story for WWE. If SummerSlam had remained at three hours and trimmed the fat, we would have been looking at a much stronger card, scoring in the mid-seventies. As it was, the show was far too long and it really dragged in places. It ended up being middle of the road. Good in places, but a long way from great. Verdict: 56 22nd August 2015.
We’re in New York City at the Barclays Center and it’s a SELL OUT, meaning the WWE’s little feeder promotion sold 16,000 (15,589 officially) tickets to a show. The NXT title headlined a show in Tokyo recently but it was partially sold on Brock Lesnar wrestling; the show was even called “The Beast In the East”. This is NXT selling out a venue the size of the main roster. Triple H’s little side project is paying off in ridiculous fashion. Remember when the WWE tried to force a brand split where the fans could choose between two almost identical products? NXT is swiftly becoming a genuine alternative to the WWE, produced by the WWE. You can watch this show and see different styles, new characters and different booking. There’s still a degree of rebranding but you’ve got Samoa Joe and Jushin Liger alongside Apollo Crews and Finn Balor. What a time to be a wrestling fan. A word on the pre-show. Several, in fact. Firstly it’s amazing to hear the crowd chanting twenty minutes before the show even starts. You can’t buy crowd participation like that. You have to earn it. Secondly; the shill video for Sasha Banks vs. Bayley is wonderful. The way they faded Bayley out of the picture of the Four Horsewomen gave me chills. I’m the biggest Sasha Banks mark in the world but if Bayley wins I may legitimately weep. Interesting that they tease a few things too. Like suggesting Lita may take Alexa Bliss down a notch and showing Cesaro and Neville arriving with Finn. Even when they have a killer card, NXT teases delivering even more. Which is the difference between themselves and the main WWE roster. They’re not satisfied with delivering a ‘good’ card. They won’t take excuses either and despite suffering losses with Sami Zayn and Hideo Itami, both seriously injured, they’re prepared to push on. Every time an NXT card rolls around I’m excited about it not just because it’s good on paper but because they always deliver. Hosts are Rich Brennan, Byron Saxton & Corey Graves. Promo Time: Triple H He basks in a spotlight and has a radio mic, which is pretty cool. So he can talk normally. “The future is now” and the lights come up and HOLY SHIT, I’m getting chills. That is incredible. Best Hunter promo…ever. It reminded me of Paul Heyman’s pure joy and sense of achievement when ECW hit PPV with Barely Legal. Tyler Breeze vs. Jushin Liger Tyler’s entrance is incredible as models dressed as major New York landmarks flank him on his way to the ring. Liger gets a knock-off version of his song, which is unfortunate. Regardless of that or his veteran status, he’s probably the greatest cruiserweight wrestler of all time. It is surreal seeing Liger in there. Liger of recent years doesn’t do all the high-flying stuff but his mat skills are superb so he can still win the crowd over unusual stretches. Liger even stops off to mock Tyler with turnbuckle poses and stealing the selfie stick. It’s easy to forget that Liger is old, like Undertaker old, and yet can still go at about 70% of his prime. That Koppou Kick is as sharp as ever but he can’t do the high risk stuff like he did before. Breeze isn’t quite sure how to sell the shotei, 360 side flipping it. Another shotei leaves Breeze stunned and the Ligerbomb finishes! For those counting at home the WWE just put a New Japan wrestler over one of their developmental guys. What universe are we in? Did I fall through into a parallel one? Final Rating: *** Ringside: Kevin Nash, Scott Hall and X-Pac! The Kliq is in the house to back up Triple H’s project. Elsewhere Charlotte hugs it out with Bayley and Becky Lynch offers an apologetic handshake. Bayley is getting the rub from the locker room. Will Sasha Banks be so nice? Video Control then gives us a shill for Nia Jax (that’s a Star Wars name, surely). Debuting soon. Nia is one they have big hopes for. Why? Because she’s from the famous Samoan family. She was working NXT under the name “Lina” as enhancement but obviously they have some top women’s talent they need to replace so she’s getting repackaged. NXT Tag Team Championship Blake & Murphy (c) vs. The Vaudevillians The challengers bring the old-timey circus act. The champs bring Alexa Bliss. My support is torn. Brooklyn’s is not; they hate the champs. Clearly they don’t have the same crush on Alexa that I do. #BAMF. The challengers come out without backup to offset Alexa. “We want Blue Pants!” chant the crowd and here she is! That entrance music kills me. Brooklyn enters into a chant of “Blue Pants city”. It’s astonishing how just about everyone in NXT gets over. Another thing it shares with the old ECW. Gotch’s old timey offence is great. It’s something different. The WWE’s main roster has too many samey talents doing ‘Main Event Style’. English’s bicep pose armbar is pretty awesome too. Incorporating your gimmick into your move set is some next level shit. People who fail in wrestling generally fail because they can’t do this. I have great difficulty paying attention to the match because every now and again they cut to Alexa walking around ringside and, damn it, I have a Jerry Lawler level of issue with this girl. The match focuses on heat from the champs on English allowing a great hot tag to Gotch but bizarrely he then tags out again. Alexa and Blue Pants get into a catfight, thus preventing Blissterference and the challengers hit the Whirling Dervish for the belts. Blue Pants pointing and laughing at Alexa is perfect. Blake & Murphy did a lot of good double teaming but their miscues didn’t work for me. Otherwise a well booked overall experience that the fans were into from the start to the finish. A little surprised it was the Vaudevillians who won the belts not Enzo & Big Cass. I can only assume the latter group are heading to the big leagues. Final Rating: **3/4 Tye Dillinger vs. Apollo Crews Apollo Crews, the former Uhaa Nation, a future WWE champion if ever there was one. He has everything. The look, the personality and the skills. His agility is insane. He won’t be in NXT long so make the most of him. “Whoa, that’s a lot of people” – Crews. Apollo marking out for his entrance shows the man’s humility. Tye gets his gimmick over nicely as he’s the Perfect 10. It’s easy to chant. Apollo promptly steals it with his ridiculous Dragon Gate regular move set. Gorilla press and the standing moonsault finishes for Crews in short order. Once the brief heat segment was over this was brisk. Crews has a massive future. But then, we knew this. Final Rating: *3/4 Video Control takes us backstage where William Regal puts over the American Dream, Dusty Rhodes. In honour of the fallen legend there will be a Dusty Rhodes Memorial Tag Team Tournament that will culminate at October’s TakeOver show. A big months spanning tournament. It’s almost as if they were listening to the fans who were into the G1. Ringside the Tough Enough finalists get booed. New York is a tough town. Don’t get used to any of these guys, they’ll go nowhere. Well, maybe the blonde girl (Amanda Saccomanno) will get on TV. Sara Lee looks a bit like Emma Stone so she might have a shot an interviewer gig or something. With NXT being so good, did they even need Tough Enough? It’s never worked before. Even Maven got abandoned and cut loose in the end. Baron Corbin vs. Samoa Joe This is an interesting match up as Joe is the big unstoppable Indy star and Corbin is the WWE’s version of the same guy. He’s been squashing people in NXT since Day One. When Corbin hit End of Days on Joe on an NXT episode recently I freaked out a bit. Corbin has ridiculous power. That’s clear but his in-ring has always been a bit shaky. Joe doesn’t do subtle so that works in Corbin’s favour as they can just batter each other. Because of Corbin’s dominance he’s perhaps not accustomed to a longer match. This is evident in his early penchant for stalling, which isn’t in line with the NXT mentality. Corbin is the kind of guy who’s always been in WWE’s Developmental System. The hand picked muscular big man. Joe has a vast array of moves that Corbin has never even seen and he chains his submission attempts. To counter this Corbin gets a heel hook out of nowhere, showing he’s not one-dimensional, and then following that with power as Joe’s mobility is limited. This leads right into a beautiful strikefest, which is what I came for. Joe’s spinning backfist is fantastic. Corbin’s lack of experience counts against him during this as his strikes are way inferior. Joe sees his chance from a sloppy pin and hooks the Koquina Clutch to send the good Baron to sleep. Corbin’s best match in NXT thus far. Final Rating: **3/4 Ringside: Ric Flair and Sgt. Slaughter. Plus Kana (not “Kanna” as the graphic reads) and Team BAD. The stars are out for this one. Sarge looks so thin I thought it was someone cosplaying Sarge. Promo Time: Stephanie McMahon They just can’t let the whole ‘talking on PPV’ thing go can they? The McMahon-Helmsley’s just love a natter. NXT is one of the few places where people don’t hate Triple H and Steph because the crowd is very aware of how much they’ve put into creating their own Indy promotion. “We are all making history, right here, right now”. She talks about the diva’s revolution and how it began in NXT where they earned the main events. Video Control gives us another look at that Bayley video package from earlier, which gave me chills. Same again here. The Bayley story is one of the best I’ve seen booked in any promotion in years. NXT Women’s Championship Sasha Banks (c) vs. Bayley Bayley’s entrance, with the inflatable wacky arm waving tubemen, is great. It works so well. She is a hugger. Sasha’s entrance suits her too as she’s accompanied by four security guards and arrives in an Escalade. Sasha gets a little more heat than usual because she’s from Boston. The rowdy crowd give this a big match feeling from the go with duelling chants. The action doesn’t even need to be that good because this match has a killer storyline and yet the action is good. Bayley accompanying her underdog routine with big bumps that make it look like she’s got no chance. They have similar experience but Sasha desperately wanted it more. Bayley wanted to be nice and people love her for it but she’s always been in Sasha’s shadow. Bayley is like your little sister. You want her to be safe. Sasha, I greatly admire but Bayley is like family I’ve never met. Bayley dodges the double knees a couple of times so Sasha does them on the top rope, switching up the offence. From there Sasha goes after Bayley’s hand, which she broke in June and it’s vicious. While Bayley is recovering Sasha hits a dive over the ref to the floor and it’s the “NXT” chant. “This is awesome”. This is emotional. It seems as if Sasha has a counter for everything Bayley brings, strapping her in the Bank Statement and STAMPING ON THE HAND! Glorious. Bayley kicks off the ropes and gets her own Bank Statement and the crowd are losing their minds. We’re seeing something very special. Bayley to Belly doesn’t get it done and Bayley then takes a SICKENING bump off the top rope, landing on her head. Bayley refuses to stay down though, manages a ridiculous reverse super rana and the BAYLEY TO BELLY finishes! Bayley wins the NXT title! Sasha was great in defeat here, constantly focused on the body part story and looking like the slick and indestructible champion she always has. Bayley just wanted it more this time. The hand stomping bit on the Bank Statement was the best. I found it hard to do this match justice in writing because I was so busy being into it. Final Rating: ****3/4 Post Match: Becky Lynch and Charlotte come out to hug it out with Bayley and Sasha Banks, who’s never, ever shown anyone any respect, ever hugs Bayley. They throw up the Four Horsewomen sign in a call back to the MSG Curtain Call. They may have feuded over the last two years but they’ve done this together and they’ve made it together. This was one of the great moments in wrestling history, never mind NXT. It’ll be replayed many times over. The revolution has begun. The WWE happen to have four of the greatest women’s wrestlers in recent memory and they’re all on the same page. I love these guys. They need to let these wrestlers take over on the main roster because none of the main roster girls can live up to this level of talent and emotion. The post match stuff is the intangible that changes this from a great wrestling match a genuinely important historical occurrence. We’ll be looking back on this night come the end of the year. This is likely to be WWE’s MOTY, never mind NXT’s. Final, Final Rating: ***** Video Control takes us to Triple H earlier on when he announced NXT are going to tour the UK in December. Sold! They’d better bring some Horsewomen. Ladder Match NXT Championship Finn Balor (c) vs. Kevin Owens Owens is mega-over in the heel friendly New York area. It’s the first time he’s ever looked like being anything approaching a babyface on an NXT show. Balor’s entrance is amazing as there’s dry ice everywhere and multiple fake Balor’s making it look like Finn can teleport. It’s clearly acknowledged that NXT are doing great things with their in-ring but what is not so frequently acknowledged is how great their entrances are. Think about it. Breeze, Bayley and Balor all have better entrances than anyone on the main roster. That can’t be a coincidence. They start out sans ladder working a decent match, a mini-version of the Tokyo contest. Double stomp, cannonball, Slingblade all feature. As soon as the ladder comes into play they start to tease big spots with Owens intent on deliberately not doing sick spots. The stuff around ringside is brilliant with Owens mixing creativity with carelessness. Owens hurling the top of the announce table at Finn in particular amusing the locals. It gives the match a different feel to the standard ladder match and both guys are keen to avoid doing ladder spots too early, bringing logical counters to prevent ‘slow climbing’. When they do bring ladders into play they’re intent at avoiding those climbing spots, instead doing battle with the ladders. This includes Owens taking a nasty backdrop onto a set up ladder and a missed Cannonball. Coup de Grace puts Owens down but not for long enough and he pulls Finn off the ladder to hit the powerbomb. The way that Owens is far from careful how he hits stuff reminds me of Vader in his prime. It makes everything so much more impactful. It also adds to the structure of the match to the point where my usual ladder match criticisms are simply invalid. Owens frustrations are superb. “STAY DOWN. STAY DOWN!” Balor’s fighting Irishman will not give up. So instead of appearing to set up spots in awkward sequences Owens deliberately sets stuff up intent at ending Balor so he has time to climb. Owens takes a nasty spill into a ladder and Finn is in position, but can’t reach. He’s so close. Instead he opts to give Owens the Coup de Grace off the ladder. That’s enough for Balor to pull the belt down and continue on as champion. Another great match with both guys eager to have a fine showing in the ladder environment while not running through a list of clichés. Everything made sense during this one, which makes it one of the finest ladder matches I’ve seen in years. And yet it was still eclipsed by the ladies storyline. Final Rating: ****1/2 Summary: I am so pleased I discovered the joys of NXT when I did because as a promotion within a promotion it’s unparalleled in its brilliance. Watching the progression of the women and the respect they’re deservedly getting is particularly rewarding. The culmination of the last couple of years is Bayley finally getting the women’s title, although there remains a feeling she’s only getting it because everyone else is leaving. Interesting to note Becky Lynch still has no title win. That could easily be transformed into a main roster storyline when either Charlotte or Sasha inevitably wins the Divas title. The overall show was very strong but the main topic of conversation coming out was Bayley vs. Sasha Banks and the story they so beautifully told. We’re in the midst of a renaissance for women’s wrestling, reaching levels not seen since the heady days of All Japan Women’s promotion in the mid 90s. Verdict: 100 We are on the final stop before SummerSlam, with the go-home edition of Raw featuring a loaded line-up of stars. Namely Brock Lesnar and The Undertaker, both of whom are scheduled to appear. It will be interesting to see how they are used, because I struggle to see how they can top their epic pull-apart brawl from a few weeks ago. After a recent run of much stronger shows than usual (three of the last four episodes have been pretty good), I am cautiously optimistic going into tonight’s broadcast. Fool that I am.
Promo Time: The Authority Well, that sanguinity didn't last for long. Christmas has come early for Stephanie, who puts over the excitement of the Road to SummerSlam, which she naturally reminds everyone is available on the Network for... $9.99. Oh, that is back. How utterly fantastic. Hunter gives us the drawn-out hard sell for the card. He takes so long that he drones through a video on the Titantron, so when Steph starts talking about Lesnar and Taker both being here tonight, the vid shows John Cena and Seth Rollins. How pleasingly unfortunate. The rest of the promo takes place over the SummerSlam theme, which is mildly irritating. They continue to ramble on and on about the matches, which is about the most mind-numbing way possible to hype a pay-per-view. Steph reckons the matches are not even the most exciting part, she thinks that is the announcement of Jon Stewart as the guest host for the show. How much more are they going to try and cram into this pay-per-view? I quite enjoyed Stewart on Raw a few months ago, but I am not particularly interesting in him as host. Whatever though, WWE gets off on these celebrity tie-ins. This was a dreary introduction to tonight’s broadcast. It was like one of those old-school wrap up segments that Todd Pettengill used to do during Raw in the mid-nineties, only in the ring and with a backing track. And with (honestly) more annoying presenters! Randy Orton & Seth Rollins vs. Kevin Owens & Sheamus Michael Cole calls SummerSlam “epic” a couple of times, then announces to the casuals that ESPN will be covering the card all day, with none other than Jonathan Coachman hosting. What a prospect, huh? This match is standard lazy WWE booking, throwing two pay-per-view matches together in a throwaway tag bout that only serves to lessen the interest in the forthcoming singles bout. It is counterproductive booking to the extreme. When did the concept of keeping rivals apart until the big payoff become a thing of the past? More to the point, why did it? Cesaro is over big again, with more fans waving around “Cesaro section” signs in the audience, leading me to suspect that WWE are now actively encouraging what started as one man’s quest to help get the guy over. “Pound for pound, perhaps the strongest man in WWF,” reckons Mackle, who has apparently forgot that Mark Henry works here. It is stupid throwaway comments like that which make him lack any credibility. After a slow heat, Cesaro springs to life and comfortably outworks Sheamus in a nice sequence. Orton steals in to take glory, failing to RKO Owens, but connecting with Sheamus for the win. Put your bets on Sheamus at SummerSlam. Final Rating: **1/4 Undertaker does an old-school style backstage promo with the full shebang - purple lighting, smoke, grim reaper voice. He says Brock’s name has been called by the reaper, and that he will never rest in peace. After more footage of Seth Rollins breaking Cena’s nose, Seth has a confab with The Authority. He wants a favour: after his beats Cena, he wants a statue of himself in WWE headquarters. It seems he fancies himself as worthy of rubbing shoulders alongside the likes of legends Bruno Sammartino, Andre the Giant and The Ultimate Warrior. No mention of Hulk Hogan, obviously. Steph and Hunter promises to give him a statue if he brings home both titles at SummerSlam. Roman Reigns vs. Luke Harper It is only the second match of the night, and yet this is the third SummerSlam match come early that they have blown on free TV already. How do they not understand that having the same guys wrestle each out repeatedly is incredibly dull? All combinations of the four guys in the SummerSlam tag match have worked with each other in singles matches over the past month, killing any interest I might have had in the PPV encounter. It is maddening. “It seems like we’re gonna be entering the Ambrose asylum, because Dean has put on a headset and joined us on commentary” - Cole, talking shite. Again. How nice to see a fresh piece of creative; we never have guest commentators on this show usually... The role doesn't suit Ambrose at all, who tries so hard to be wacky and out there that he comes off as a cartoon. At this stage he is more Norman the Lunatic than Brian Pillman. He also doesn't want to sit next to JBL, because he was mean to him, so he moves to the other side of the desk. Aww, poor Dean. Did that big, nasty Texan call you a nasty name? There, there. It’s pathetic! Can you imagine Steve Austin reacting in that manner when he was in his pomp? Of course not. The only positive to Ambrose commentating is it leaves Saxton without a chair, and doing commentary on his knees. The match is absolutely secondary to the Dean Ambrose commentary show, thought it comes to life, for two seconds, when Harper kicks Roman’s face off. It is one of the best big boots I have ever seen. “Brody used to do a kick just like that,” chips JBL, getting in his weekly delusional theory that Harper is the second coming of the legendary Bruiser Brody. “I bet he didn't kick that hard.” - Ambrose. Oh, I am fairly sure he did, Dean. Harper follows his moment of excitement with a chinlock. How thrilling. Harper uses a few more kicks, then Roman fights back to a chorus of mostly apathy. Spear, game over. The announcing killed this match dead for me. Final Rating: * Tamina vs. Becky Lynch It’s nice to finally see Becky get a singles match on the show, but why, oh why, does it have to be opposite the walking disaster that is Tamina Snuka. She is a brutal worker - wildly uncoordinated and with the most wooden facials since Chyna. The Bellas and their third wheel stand in WWE’s favourite pose - the unnatural circle - and watch the action unfold. Upon receiving her cue that the director is focusing on them, Nikki points to something on the screen. Even though nothing is going on. The staging for all of the backstage stuff in this company needs to change. It is so hokey. Tamina controls with her beasty power offence, but because no one cares about Tamina, no one cares about the match either. Becky gets a pounding then makes a token comeback, before finishing with the Disarmer out of nowhere. A horrible way to showcase the best female worker in the company. Revolution my arse. Final Rating: ½* Rusev vs. Mark Henry For the third week in a row no less. And to make matters worse, we have guest commentary again! Lana already proved she had zero aptitude for the task last week, yet here she is again, wheeled out because they need her for the post match angle, and unable to find a more interesting way to get her there. She is equally rubbish at it this week. What is even her role these days, other than wallflower? WWE have killed her character stone dead. And Rusev’s, for that matter. He comes out with a proxy Lana anyway, so all he has done is stayed the same, only slightly worse. Who benefitted from the split? What did it achieve? Why did they do it? The rationale, from what I can tell, was that Lana is too pretty to stay heel. Idiots. “There’s no one stronger than Mark Henry, he’s the world’s strongest man.” - JBL. I refer back to Michael Cole’s dopey claims about Cesaro in the opener. Mark Henry gets far more offence than you would expect, throwing the once invincible Rusev around like a jobber. “For the win,” says Cole after a Henry near fall. It’s like fucking groundhog day. Rusev eventually takes over and gets distracted by Lana’s presence, but incredibly it doesn’t cause him to lose via a roll up! Instead he scores with the Accolade for the win. I never need to see these two wrestle again. Final Rating: DUD Post match, Lana calls Summer out for a fight. Summer pulls her usual chin-heavy expressions in response. After both taking their shoes off they go face to face, and Lana demolishes her with a slap of justice. Then she calls out Rusev with the intention of giving him the same treatment. Rusev intimidates her, and the crowd call for Dolph Ziggler, who turns up on cue. He kicks ass Rusev’s ass, but the Bulgarian pulls his new beau in the way of a superkick. Ziggler stops short before taking her face off. Shame. Lana shows her athletic side by smashing Summer with a kick, and with her out of the way Dolph hits his own. Following the humiliating beating, Ziggler makes out with Lana in front of her real life boyfriend. Wrestling is weird like that. Afterwards, Dolph says he wants Rusev at SummerSlam, pushing us up to ten matches and a guest host by my count. It is like a SummerSlam card from the eighties. The Miz vs. Ryback I don't believe it. I honest do not BELIEVE IT! Big Show is out here... ON COMMENTARY! What is wrong with this company!? I have never known a wrestling promotion in history so bereft of original ideas. At this stage, I genuinely believe that Vince Russo would improve their product. Yes. I really said that. Show, schizophrenic yoyo that he is, acts like a babyface this week. And blow me down, if it isn't another tinkered with variation of an upcoming pay-per-view match. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with this writing team? “Here’s a man who’s become a star on Tough Enough,” says Cole, referring to Miz judging on the useless 2015 version of the show, rather than the fact he came through that series (though didn't win it) a decade ago. I find it amusing that Cole thinks Miz has only recently become a star because of that show. What about when he main evented WrestleMania!? Ryback smashes through the hapless Miz with ease, while Show makes the funnies behind the desk. He soon gets the job done with Shellshock, prompting Cole to ask, “Can Ryback do that to Miz or Big Show come Sunday”. Well, he can obviously do it to Miz! Another crappy match. Final Rating: SQUASH Post match., Ryback calls out Show. Show goes heel again and walks away. What a useless lunk. SummerSlam Contract Signing “And now it is time for the contract signing,” informs Steph, who feels the need to spell out the goddamn obvious. Seth talks about himself as usual, gets some cheap heat as usual, and makes grandiose proclamations as usual. Then he rags on Cena for holding the WWE hostage for the past decade, saying he is not a hero, but a villain. “Yes, Yes, Yes” agree the crowd. A few years ago that might have been the case, sure, but Cena is hands down the wrestler of the year in WWE. “John Cena is a disease” says the heel champion, playing to the crowd like a mark. He continues to go to town on Cena, claiming his now famous knee to the face was his way of “injecting the serum to cure WWE”. It certainly needs curing, but Cena is far from the problem. Seth continues to rant on, calling Cena a coward for not answering his challenge on Raw, and instead accepting from thousands of miles away on Tough Enough. Yeah, that was a dumb thing WWE did. Add it to the list. Cena eventually comes out, making his first Raw appearance since the nose break, which was apparently enough time to get some new bright orange gear made with “15x Champion” emblazoned on the back. That seems like a shirt with a limited shelf life. It should be noted that there is absolutely no sign that Cena has recently suffered a badly broken nose. There is no mark, no blemish, no crook, nothing. The guy heals like Wolverine. Cena notes the usual mixed reaction, which he is of course very used to by now, and points out that while the fans are passionate about him one way or another, that nobody is saying a damn thing about Seth. Well, why would they? He is a bland, grating character who has been repeatedly booked to look like a lucky chump who is hanging onto his title by a thread. Cena shouts at Seth for being a Cena rip-off and a disgrace to the title, which at this point is about fair. Of Seth’s recent mocking of his catchphrases and mannerisms, Cena says deadpan, “So very, very original Seth. Nobody has ever done that before.” What a great way to bury the writing! One point to John Cena. Cena continues to destroy Seth, ragging on him for not living up to Triple H’s hand-picked billing. It’s an odd route to take mind, because he sounds like he is sympathising with The Authority. Is he disappointed in Seth? Is that the deal here now? Whatever the case, Cena appreciated the extra week off to think about how he could get revenge on Seth, ruling out breaking any of his bones in an eye for an eye response, but rather he plans to do something that will haunt him. “I am a fifteen-time champion... you see where I am going with this? You see, I designed this gear months ago...” The gist is, he wants Ric Flair’s (WWE approved) title run record. Because no record is sacred in WWE these days of course. Cena points out that the record is currently held by Hunter’s mentor, so it will be a double whammy: he loses if Seth loses. “You are an answer to a trivia question,” he tells Seth, “All you are gonna be is the answer to the question: ‘who did John Cena beat to become sixteen-time World Heavyweight Champion?” This all sounds like good motivation for Triple H to interfere at SummerSlam. “There’s one major difference here: Triple H was never Ric Flair’s bitch. This Sunday, I’m gonna make you mine”. Boom, promo schooled. Seth, Triple H and Steph ranged from pointless to droning here, but Cena was excellent. The Prime Time Players & Lucha Dragons vs. New Day & Los Matadores You cannot be serious! Another SummerSlam match come early in a slightly altered form. Jesus Christ. Barely anything happens because time is so short, though Titus again looks really good. His charisma is unique and beginning to get him over. Xavier jumps on the apron to distract, but gets into it with El Torito, even though they are on the same team! The fannying around leads to Kalisto getting the pin on one of the Matadores. Final Rating: ½* We get an awesome video detailing the recent issues involving Stardust, King Barrett, Neville and Steven Amell, done in superhero comic strip style. I cannot believe it, but Stardust is actually growing on me. He is finally going fully over the top and becoming a Joker/Riddler-esque super-villain, and it works well. In a VT, Barrett gets a gift from Stardust - a swanky new cape from Stardust, and becomes a new, super-villain character: “The Cosmic King”. Now we are talking! Make everyone into a comic book character! It is larger than life. I love it. Nikki Bella vs. Sasha Banks It is champion versus champion, and also the blind leading the inexperienced. Like all of the women’s matches since the quote unquote revolution, it gets a lot of time. Of course, that doesn't help it because Nikki Bella is involved, and she typically struggles to entertain in three minutes, never mind ten. If ever there was a match that proved this “new” division is in fact a botched together identikit version of the insipid old one, it is this. Nikki is woeful, relying on rest holds far too much, and walking around pulling dopey expressions after every move. Pay attention next time you are unfortunate enough to watch Nikki wrestle - She is constantly staring off into the crowd, as if seeking approval because she is “trying hard”. Try harder. Try harder to fuck off out of wrestling. Nikki shows her abilities with a kick from the ropes that misses by at least a foot, which the director doesn't quite manage to save. Sasha sells it anyway. The crowd get so fed up of the shitty wrestling and a generally bland show that they turn on the match and start loudly chanting, “We want Lesnar!” Nikki reacts with her usual expression of haughty derision. The only good thing about the match is Sasha going over with the Bank Statement (a distraction finish mind, thanks to Naomi), but no matter how much Nikki jobs, she still has the Diva’s Championship, and will not be letting go of it until that AJ record is gone. Final Rating: ¼* I am not even going to comment on an interview from PCB, which is so fake and over-staged, not to mention cringe-worthy, that it makes me shudder. Promo Time: Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman The return of the prodigal son is met with the expected rousing response. So much so that they don't stop cheering when Heyman is ready to go into his promo, so Paul gets on his knees and starts bowing to him. Brock smiles, but then the whole damn crowd to it too! Amazing stuff. And Brock deserves it, too. Heyman then breaks into song, to the tune of what football fans will know as ‘Glory Glory Man United’. Lesnar is having a whale of a time out there, until an ominous dong, erm, of a bell, not a concerning penis, ends the celebrations. The lights go out, but there is no sign of Undertaker. Brock and Paul laugh it off and get back to business. For Heyman, that means cutting another fantastic promo, which again demonstrates how much better than everyone else on this roster he is behind the stick. For anyone not already intending to watch SummerSlam, Heyman just changed their minds. He is the last of a dying - actually, pretty much entirely dead - breed who can “talk them into the building”. When Heyman finishes his promo, the dong hits again and the lights go dark, and this time Undertaker is stood in the ring when they come back on. Taker repeats his actions from the last pay-per-view by kicking Brock firmly in the nuts, leaving no doubt as to who is the babyface and who is the heel in this program. It is the first time Undertaker has been positioned as such since 2002, and indeed, the first time his “proper” (as in, not UnderBiker) character has been a villain since the Ministry of Darkness days in 1999. He will still get cheered in WWE stronghold New York at SummerSlam anyway mind you, because he is an icon. As we are in Brock’s hometown and this is pro wrestling, Lesnar gets a kicking without reply, taking a chokeslam and the Tombstone to end the show. Not a patch on the brawl from a few weeks ago, but thanks to Heyman and the rowdy crowd, it was fine. THE RAW RECAP: Most Entertaining: Paul Heyman. It will be a sad day when WWE stop using him to get people to actually give a damn about their product. He should be doing more than tri-monthly appearances to talk for Brock. He could be a real asset to others, as he was to CM Punk. Least Entertaining: Hmm. Let’s see... Nikki Bella! Actually, throw Dean Ambrose in there too. His commentary was appalling. Quote of the Night: “All you are gonna be is the answer to the question: ‘Who did John Cena beat to become sixteen-time World Heavyweight Champion?” - John Cena to Seth Rollins. Match of the Night: Cesaro & Randy Orton vs. Sheamus & Kevin Owens Summary: Hard work to endure. We have been spoilt of late by a weekly four-star match featuring Neville, John Cena, Cesaro or (occasionally) Seth Rollins, but of those four only Cesaro worked a match, and Neville wasn't even on the show other than in a VT. What we go in the ring was fairly drastic, either dull and uninspired, or quick and pointless filler. The ironically named “creative team” were again a real issue, with the horrible booking damaging the show. Three guest commentary spots, again, not to mention all of the SummerSlam undercard condensed into slightly altered versions of the bouts tonight, rendering much of the upcoming PPV pointless. All it now exists for is to “right” the booking with even steven BS. Without Brock, Heyman, Cena, and some great work from the video department for the Stardust and co vid, this was a horrible show. Verdict: 28 I was wrong last week; it wasn't my third Raw in a row, but my fourth, meaning this is an unprecedented fifth in succession for me. Meanwhile, Arnold Furious is waxing lyrical about near 5* Ishii matches in New Japan’s G-1 Climax. Sometimes life just isn't fair.
Promo Time: Seth Rollins This is an overly-familiar sight. Seth is sporting new apparel in the form of a mock John Cena shirt that reads “Never Shuts Up” on the front. We get another airing of the footage where Rollins broke Cena’s nose two weeks ago, leading to JBL stating in monotone, “That’s why he is the future of the WWE”. He is like one of those toys that has a set number of phrases, where you press a button to activate them. Rollins makes an awful joke about how Cena being “Mr. You Can’t See Knee”, then questions why he hasn't answered his challenged to a title vs. title match at SummerSlam. “John Cena isn't straight outta Compton, he’s straight outta action.” The scripting is bad tonight. Rollins says that if Cena doesn't want to come and lose to him like a man at SummerSlam, then he can turn up and forfeit his United States Championship. Rollins notes that Cena is scheduled for Tough Enough tomorrow night, and points out that he must be fine after all, and simply running scared from him. Please, do not take this feud to that show. Seth then does a weird bit where from the ring he has a conversation with someone at ringside - even though no one is talking to him - and says Cena is here... via satellite. Cue more of WWE’s trademark bad comedy, which is a picture of Cena and his smashed up face, with Rollins’ lips super-imposed over the top making ha-has. Rollins has a conversation with “Cena”, the latter of whom says he is going to give up. It’s really cheesy. Rollins brings up last week’s open challenge with Neville, putting him over for coming close but saying he doesn't have what it takes to be a champion. Cue Cesaro, who rags on Seth for going on and on and on and on and on and on and on... I have been saying this for weeks. Cesaro - who is suited and booted and looks like a modern-day Ric Flair - wants to take on Seth tonight for the WWE Championship. Rollins refuses because his open challenge last week was a one-time deal, which brings out Kevin Owens. He says Cesaro doesn't deserve a title match because he has done nothing to warrant one, then mentions the fan who printed out thousands of “Cesaro Section” signs last week and handed them out to everyone. He has to, because the same wonderful human being has done the same thing again. The place is full of them. Owens buries the audience for being sheep who just want to hold up a sign, then tells Rollins that he has beaten Cena so if anyone deserves a title shot, it is him. Owens points out that of the three of them, only he has beaten Cena, though we are conveniently forgetting his two defeats to Cena following that momentous win. Randy Orton turns up to spoil the fun, which the announcers think is the segment “getting better”. Orton throws in a line from the office, asking Owens if he has put on weight recently. “No,” replies Owens nonplussed. Orton wants a shot as well, predictably, even though he has had plenty and blown them all. Seth reiterates his point that he is not doing an open challenge tonight, regardless of what anyone, including The Authority thinks. That brings out an irritated Triple H, who doesn't care for Seth’s choice of words. He informs us (of the lie) that John Cena is only 50/50 to make SummerSlam, and that there is turmoil in the WWE ranks because of it. With that in mind he makes a triple threat match between the three would-be contenders, and promises the winner a shot at Seth Rollins for the title in the main event. Predictable booking, but it should give us two decent matches. Well, unless Randy Orton wins. Then it will only be one. Team Bella vs. Team B.A.D. This looks like a nightmare on paper. Team PCB join commentary, and for those wondering who they are, it is Paige, Charlotte and Becky Lynch, who have dropped the Submission Sorority name after one week because it turns out to be the name of a porn website. Oh ho ho. In a VT, Sasha calls the Bellas the Belladashians, which is pretty much the perfect way to describe them. Naomi and Alicia do some surprisingly competent stuff, then Nikki comes in... She tries to put an armbar on, but can’t figure out the mechanics so just awkwardly holds Naomi’s arm instead. The crowd loudly chant, “We want Sasha” and afford her a big pop when she comes in, which is pleasing. I hope it really irks Nikki Bella that a newbie is already far more over than she ever has been, and indeed ever will be. After commercial Sasha has a chinlock applied on Nikki, so Brie and Alicia try and get some support going for her from the crowd. Are they babyfaces this week? The crowd answer that with a resounding no when Sasha smacks Brie off the apron. Meanwhile on commentary, Paige buries the Bellas and says what everyone else has been thinking for years. “The Bellas started this revolution? They wish. They’re ruining the division.” Fact. Because her husband is Daniel Bryan, and we are in his hometown, Brie gets a ridiculously over the top reaction to a hot tag, and the crowd chant along when she hits all of Bryan’s moves. “She can’t come up with her own stuff,” snipes Paige, who is already the runaway leader for tonight’s “Most Entertaining” award. Brie ends up pinning the equally dreadful Tamina with a roll up for the win, which leads to a brawl between all nine girls out there. A far better match than I expected given who was involved, but still a million miles away from revolutionary. At least the crowd was into it though. Final Rating: ** Los Matadores vs. The New Day In Michael Cole’s world, this is an “important match”. The action is fine, but the commentary is a disaster. At one point Cole starts reading out tweets from the New Day in that irritating way that he does, right in the middle of an argument between JBL and Byron Saxton because the former called Bryon “Michael”. Cole just talks right over the top of them, as if he has an unstoppable need to get his shit in at the expense of everything else. What an ignorant little prick. New Day get the win following a nice DDT/flapjack double team, then do some bad dancing afterwards. Filler. Final Rating: * Renee Young catches a word with New Day backstage, and they are in a celebratory mood because of their win. Renee tells them they have been booked against the Prime Time Players at SummerSlam, but also Los Matadores and The Lucha Dragons. What a division, huh? New Day are not impressed because it just rendered their win entirely pointless, but try and stay positive. New Day name a trio of teams that might as well get added to the bout since everyone is involved, name-checking Harlem Heat, Doom and Men on a Mission. Is it coincidence that they are all black teams? Of course not, this is WWE. The latter is impossible what with Mabel being dead and all, which they should probably know given his widow is suing WWE. Elsewhere, Seth pisses and moans to Triple H about having to defend his title again tonight. Hunter tells him he will be fine because he is going to be wrestling someone who has just competed in a tough triple-threat. All that does is point out the weaknesses in the booking. It’s like when guys bury their opponent before wrestling them. Who gets over? Either you look like a loser if you get beat, or you only beat a loser if you win. WWE Championship Number #1 Contender’s Match Randy Orton vs. Kevin Owens vs. Cesaro This is good from the off, with Randy seeming to up his game to match the far more interesting workers he is in there with. With the triple threat rules, Randy is unable to do his usual boring grind, and instead is forced to get creative. He does so with a series of well executed t-bone suplexes, and has fun on the outside back suplexing Owens into the barricade. Owens gets his own kicks mocking Orton, while Cesaro is simply Cesaro, and everything he does is worth watching. Things slow down when they begin to pair off a little more, though not too much that it becomes dull. Cesaro and Orton engage in an uppercut battle, which Cesaro of course wins, only for Orton to come back with a clothesline. Cesaro counters back with a crossface, and because the ropes can’t save him, Orton is forced to climb out of the ring to break the hold. Owens makes his return by sending Cesaro to the outside, then hits an insane flip plancha (“a flying bus” - announcers) to take us into commercial. Jesus, where did that come from? After the break, Owens is in control of Cesaro and connects with a cannonball in the corner for a near fall. Owens goes up top where he gets cut off by Orton, who combines with Cesaro to drill Owens with a double superplex. The brief alliance breaks down immediately because they both want to get the pin, and we go to another uppercut fight between them. Orton loses again, and he should know better really, then Cesaro hits him with the giant swing and locks on a Sharpshooter. Owens causes the break and nearly wins with a schoolboy, then Orton regains control. He drills both with the draping DDT, to which Cole bellows “vintage vintage Randy Orton”. Please shut up! Randy goes for the RKO on Cesaro, but gets pushed off and into the ropes, where Owens trips him, pulls him out, and sends him into the barricade with an SOS. Cesaro immediately takes Owens out with a corkscrew plancha, then back in the ring he “flies around like a cruiserweight” in pursuit of victory. Owens and Cesaro fight up top, and Owens ends up going for his flip senton only to connect with knees. All of a sudden Randy Orton is back, and he drills both men with RKOs and covers Cesaro for the win. Urgh, fuck off WWE, you tedious, predictable, samey, idealess, mundane motherfuckers. I cannot take any more of Randy Orton at the top of this promotion. What more does Cesaro need to do to be given the opportunities he deserves? Or Owens, for that matter? Yes, it was a really good match, but Randy Orton winning leaves a sour taste, one which completely puts a dampener on any enjoyment I had watching the bout. Orton vs. Rollins? Well whoop de frigging do. It’s not like I haven't seen that match a dozen times this year already. It seems Rollins-Orton is WWE’s last minute Plan B in case John Cena really is unable to make SummerSlam, or indeed if Sheamus doesn't recover from his concussion and Orton has no one to wrestle. Final Rating: **** Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns do a promo outlining why they are real friends, while Bray is simply using Luke Harper. Talking Heads Discuss Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar Or in other words, neither Brock or Undertaker are here tonight. It’s a nice hype video, outlining the full recent history of the Undertaker-Lesnar rivalry, with plenty of background on both prior to the end of The Streak, and indeed what has happened since. It is nothing we haven't seen before, but tied nicely together with a little bow around it does increase anticipation for the match. Dean Ambrose vs. Luke Harper WWE are claiming this is to “whet the appetite”. I call it running a program into the ground. The match announced for SummerSlam is the ex-Shield guys sans Seth Rollins against the Wyatts, which is apparently “family versus family”. Even though none of them are related. At one point Sting was set to be involved in this match and it was set to be a six-man tag with an unknown third member of the Wyatts. Then Vince McMahon decided against using Sting for reasons only known to himself. Now the match has no appeal, because we have seen it all before a couple of years ago, only it was better because everyone in it was more over than they are now. JBL throws out a few comparisons, making his usual claim that Luke Harper reminds him of Bruiser Brody, and that Dean Ambrose is Brian Pillman. He wishes. Oddly, JBL claims Ambrose is “Hollywood Blondes Pillman” because he is so out of control. Not his specifically out of control “loose cannon” gimmick then? The match is pretty drab, with a quiet crowd not helping matters. Harper wins it with a clothesline, so it is safe to assume Ambrose and Reigns are going over at SummerSlam. Final Rating: *1/2 Miz TV: Daniel Bryan The place is rocking for the hometown hero, who get a kick out of being able to do their “Yes” chants. A spontaneous “Daniel Bryan” chant breaks out, so Miz shuts them up. Well, he tries and fails. Instead they just chant yes again, then yell “No” at Miz when he tries to talk. It’s pretty cool, actually. Bryan says he didn't actually come here to be on Miz TV, he just didn't want to miss Raw from his homeland. Cue some cheat heat bits, before Miz tries to take credit for Bryan’s success. Bryan laughs at the notion, mocks Miz’s upcoming movie Santa’s Little Helper, and with it the entire farcical disaster that is the WWE Films division. Miz turns focus onto Bryan’s health, gloating how he personally has never had an injury in his career. Dangerous talk if you are the superstitious type. Bryan says he has been keeping himself busy writing a New York Times bestselling book while he has been on the shelf, and also acting as a judge on “the greatest show in the history of the earth”, Tough Enough. His mocking of lame WWE products amuses me. Miz turns his attention to Ryback, who he thinks should forfeit the IC Title. Bryan doesn't quite agree, then Big Show turns up to ruin the fun. The crowd greet him with a chant of “please retire”, which Show actually bites on by telling them to find someone who can retire him. Right on cue, Ryback makes his return after a few weeks out with a staph infection. Miz tries to bail, only for Bryan to throw him back in the ring where he gets mauled by both guys. Strangely enough, this match has far more going for it now with an extra month of build, and with WWE unable to ruin it by having all three guys repeatedly work with each other every week. Regarding Bryan; it is interesting that no mention was made of when he will be returning to action, and probably not a good sign. With each week that goes by it increasingly feels like Bryan might well be done. And that would be a real shame. WWE show a Charlotte hype video in which she puts over Ronda Rousey, then announce that there will be a three team elimination match between the Diva teams at SummerSlam. It sounds like a clusterfuck. Rusev vs. Mark Henry Because last week’s match was so good? According to Cole, these two have had “quite the rivalry”. Have they really? Quite the shit rivalry, that much is true. Lana is doing commentary, as the guest announcer spot gets completely overused once again. She says Dolph Ziggler will be back after SummerSlam. So much for the proposed Rusev-Ziggler bout at the supercard. Almost immediately Summer gets on the apron to distract Henry, so Lana pulls her off. Summer throws her in the ring where she looks up at Rusev from her knees, then Summer takes her out and viciously rams her face-first into the canvas. For whatever reason, that is a DQ. Summer continues the assault and locks Lana in the Accolade, then a Bulgarian flag with a huge picture of Rusev drops from the ceiling. This was a decent segment, and I was pleased the match practically didn't happen, but where is it going? If Ziggler is back after SummerSlam, what was this designed to build? Please not Summer vs. Lana. That would be the worst match of the year. Final Rating: N/R Next we get an awesome comic strip style video highlighting Neville’s tremendous performance against Seth Rollins last week, interlaced with footage of his arch nemesis Stardust mocking his defeat. It’s the first time WWE have really embraced the superhero/super villain aspect of the program properly, and it makes it that much more interesting a program. The hype videos have all been really good tonight. Neville vs. King Barrett This goes for maybe a minute before Neville hits a kick and finishes Barrett with the Red Arrow. I don't know what Barrett has done wrong, but it isn't nothing, that’s for sure. He is only one step away from being a taller Zack Ryder on the WWE totem pole. After the bout, Stardust attacks Neville, then spots Arrow star Steven Amell in the crowd, the man he has been feuding with on social media. He has a stare down with the actor then pie faces him, so Amell hops the barrier, jumps in one leap onto the apron then hurdles over the ropes before spearing Stardust and unloading on him with punches. He looks great! WWE security break them up and hold Amell back, as Cole lectures him for being a fan getting in the ring, which is “never good”. For sure, that’s a direct response to an incident on a house show this past week where a fan threw a briefcase at Roman Reign’s head. Stardust gets dragged away by Barrett, as Cole mutters, “I think Stephen Amell realises that he did wrong there.” He is such a snivelling goody-two-shoes toad. Another good segment though, with Amell coming out of this looking great. Final Rating: SQUASH Backstage, Triple H confronts Amell and Neville, yelling at the actor for nearly getting himself killed. They argue the toss, and Amell says he wants to take care of Stardust. Neville suggests the two of them team up to take on Stardust and Barrett at SummerSlam, but Hunter refuses. He has no intention of an actor getting murdered on his show. Amell fires back that he might not be a wrestler, but he is a man, then yells in Hunter’s face for him to make the match. It’s a better promo than anyone else’s tonight by some distance. Amell says he will sign anything Hunter wants to keep the lawyers happy and to take culpability away from him, so Hunter finally agrees. At SummerSlam it will be the Green Arrow and the Red Arrow against Stardust and King Barrett. It sounds fun. I hope Neville and Amell come in costume. Amell has been a real asset to tonight’s show. Renee Young interviews Sheamus, who can’t work for a few weeks due to a concussion. It’s karma. Sheamus was the one responsible for putting Bryan on the shelf with a dangerous beating on SmackDown. Sheamus cuts a nonsense promo, suggesting that he might cash in the briefcase tonight. WWE Championship Seth Rollins (c) vs. Randy Orton As much as I had no desire whatsoever to see this, I will begrudgingly admit that it is still a decent enough TV match. That much was never really in doubt, they always have fairly good matches together, it’s more the tediously predictable WWE mentality that turns me off. Back in the glory days when everyone was protected and guys rarely worked with each other on TV, it was a rare occasion and thus an important one when two stars collided. It never got to the stage where you would be bored because you had seen something so many times already, yet nearly every potential match-up in WWE feels that way nowadays, especially Randy Orton bouts. He has been around non-stop for over a decade, and he was worked with everyone. What more is there for him to do? They do some fairly nice stuff, and it looks like we have a new champion when Randy catches Seth coming off the top with an amazing RKO. Thankfully/disappointingly, depending on your perspective, Sheamus turns up and pulls Orton out of the ring, drawing the DQ. Following that, Sheamus takes out Orton then smashes Seth with the Brogue Kicks, and hands the referee the MITB briefcase to cash in. For some reason Sheamus and the ref engage in a tug-o-war over the case, which was done so Randy Orton could sneak in and prevent the cash in with the RKO, but looked ridiculous. Man, I hope Cena is back in time for SummerSlam. Final Rating: **3/4 THE RAW RECAP: Most Entertaining: Cesaro. The best worker in the company, without question. Least Entertaining: The Bellas. Their match was not bad tonight, by their standards, but Nikki is still incompetent, and Brie remains very annoying. The odd good match doesn't change the fact that they are the cancers of the Divas division. Quote of the Night: “The Bellas started this revolution? They wish. They’re ruining the division.” - Paige Match of the Night: Randy Orton vs. Cesaro vs. Kevin Owens. It blew away everything else, irrespective of the toss booking. Summary: Much to my surprise, this was one of the best Raws of the year. There was a lot of good on display, with yet another 4* match, some strong segments, and more focus on the direction they are going than usual. Combined, that made for a very watchable broadcast, which dragged far less than it usually does. I disagree with some of the samey booking, but I guess it doesn't really matter who wins and loses. It’s more frustrating than anything else. For a show without John Cena, Brock Lesnar, Undertaker and Paul Heyman, the stars of recent weeks, this was definitely a success. Hopefully WWE can keep this momentum next week on the go-home for SummerSlam. Verdict: 73 |
AuthorJames Dixon and Arnold Furious. The poor sods have volunteered for this... Archives
January 2016
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